I hate myself.

I don't think I have even hated anyone as much as I hate myself.

Ever since I woke up on Christmas, three years ago, I knew I had messed up. I knew I had fucked up bad when the most important person in my life, just vanished in thin air.

I have blamed and cursed myself every single day for what I had done, but only after the call with Miles on Friday, did I realise that I still don't know the direness of my mistake.

I still don't know what happened to Miles after I... left her on the sidewalk and as much as I want to repent my actions, I don't know if I would be able to handle the whole truth.

I can't stand the thought of Miles being hurt, and I can't imagined what I'd do if I get called out for being the one who hurt her the most.

I'm not being self centred, and taking blame just for the hell of it. I've seen it on her face, the fact that she doesn't trust me and that pretty much shatters my heart.

On that note, Miles has been acting weird, more weird than usual, and I just can't figure out what's wrong with her.

I'm one to talk, as I've been very careful myself, when I talk to her, avoiding the chances of our conversations to drift to the events in the past, like a coward.

I know she has noticed my change in behaviour, and she very well knows how much that piece of information bothers me but I'm not sure if I'm ready to go on a new level of hating myself right now.

"Green!" Coach's voice pulled me out of my thoughts as I enter the gymnasium for PE. He motioned for me to go over to him, making me break into a jog and stop in front of him.

"School is making me attend another boring meeting, green." He said pinching the bridge of his nose. "Lead the class for me."

I nodded with a chuckle, at his annoyed expression.

Coach is one of the few teachers I can stand, in this school. And it could have something to do with the fact that he's the coach of the football team and helped me practice and push my limits, even when I wanted to give up.

I was about to reply when a tiny voice, which was barely audible, cut me off.

I turned to look at the hunched figure of Miles who looked like she was dared to do something she doesn't want to do.

"Speak up, young lady." Coach said making Miles roll her eyes, glancing at me in acknowledgement.

"I said, I have a note." She gritted out, waving the note right in front of coach's face, making me cough to mask the laugh that was threatening to come out.

Coach snatched the note out of her hands. "What, you got a cold so you can't throw balls?" Coach scoffed, muttering a 'lazy kids' under his breath.

"Can I count on you, Green?" Coach asked, turning away from Miles, making her stick her tongue out at his back and walk away to the side benches.

"Green?"

"Yes sir, of course." I quickly said, snapping my eyes away from Miles, suppressing a smile of my own.

After coach left, more students came in and deciding to wait for all of them to arrive, I turned to walk towards where Miles was sitting on a bench, with a book on her lap.

Her gaze lifted to meet mine when she felt me approaching, when it shifted to someone beside me and her face fell.

"Hey Ryder." A hand with pointy nails stopped me on my way, landing on my chest as Jennie's voice rang through my ears.

I turned to look at Miles and caught her glaring at Jennie, before she noticed my gaze at her and ducked her head into her book, quickly.

I frowned at that.

"What do you want, Jennie?" I groaned moving back, making her hand fall from my chest.

She gave me a smile, which was supposed to be seductive, I think. "I thought I made that pretty clear, I want you."

I mentally gagged before I stepped to the side, away from her. "Keep this up, and you'll maybe, find a limit to your own nonsense."

I shrugged. "Or not." I said, walking away, as she frowned and scoffed before sashaying away to another guy.

I turned to walk towards Miles again, who was looking down at the book with a troubled look and her jaw clenched.

"Hey Em."

I stopped in my track as Miles turned to look at a Zac Efron wannabe, who greeted her with a little too much enthusiasm.

I frowned, as I slowly walk closer.

"Oh hey Ryan. What are you doing here?"

Ryan?

Ah he's one of Alec's friends.

"I was getting some of Mr. Reynold's stuff from the back room." He raised a folder, he was holding. "Thought I'd say hi."

"Oh well, hi." Miles said, with an awkward wave and smile.

"Hi."

Both their heads snapped towards me as I stood there with my arms crossed over my chest, eyes narrowed at Ryan.

'Good going dude. Just scare the girl away. Problem solved.'

I mentally groaned.

"Uh hey?" Miles said, with a confused frown.

Ryan stood up straight, copying my posture, making Miles switch between looking at us with a confused look.

"Oh right" She suddenly said, standing up as well. "Ryan this is Ryder, Ryder, Ryan." She said waving at us with introductions.

"Oh, your older brother's friend, right?" I said with a smirk, my tone overlined with a reminder of the bro code.

Yes, I'm a petty little ass.

His jaw clenched, signalling that he got the message.

"Yeah, that's the one." Miles said, still confused.

"Anyway, I should get going now." He said, his eyes narrowed at me, before turning to Miles with a smile. "See you later."

Miles nodded, unsure of what the conversation even was, as Ryan patted her head before giving me one last glare, and walking away.

"Weird" Miles muttered fixing her hair. "Why would he see me later? Eh... maybe Alec invited them to hangout again."

"What?!" I couldn't keep it in. She turned to look at me wide-eyed.

"What?" She asked, her lips parted. "Did I say that out loud?"

"Yes. Yes you did." I said, trying to sound a little less pathetic than I actually am. "Does he go over to your place a lot?"

She gave me a weird look before shrugging. "Nah, not really, they mostly go out together. But they crash at someone's house like twice a week, and seems like today's one of those days."

She rolled her eyes, getting comfortable on the bench again, leaning on the wall and grabbing her book again.

"You don't seem to like that very much." I said nonchalantly, taking a seat beside her as she sighed.

"Oh no I don't hate them or anything" she started making me clench my jaw, and look away. "it's just that, Alec acts weird. He asks me to stay in my room and he just becomes more overprotective than usual."

"Well, that's good." I muttered, noticing that the whole class is now here.

"How's that good?!" Miles asked, exasperated, looking at me with a frown.

I turn to look at her, but didn't realise how close we were, when I did.

Her breath hitched, as she bit her lip making my gaze shift to them. I shook my head slightly and gave her one last smirk, before getting up and walked to the front of the class.

"Alright, attention chimps!" My voice boomed through the gymnasium. "Coach has been called for a meeting and he has left me to lead the class."

A few girls giggled at that twirling their hair with their fingers while the guys looked at me expectantly.

Miles...

Well...

She had her head buried in her book. What's even so interesting about it. Shadow and bone?

How's that more interesting than I am?

I sighed before getting back to the class. "So, we're playing dodge ball, because... well, I want to." I said, shrugging.

I heard a scoff echo through the gymnasium, making many eyes snap to Miles.

She looked up wide-eyed, before letting out an awkward chuckle. "Nothing to see here."

"Do you have something to say, Emily?" I said, loud enough for everyone to hear, with a smirk on my face.

"No. I don't." She gritted out, narrowing her eyes at me.

I can't help but be a jerk, I love riling her up. It's so hot how bold she is and the power she omits when she's mad.

But I still wouldn't want her to overexert herself because she was sick a few days ago.

So I turned my jerk mode on, even though I know nothing good is gonna come out of it.

"Just because you have a note, doesn't mean you can disrupt the class, Waters." I said, shaking my head.

A few chuckles erupted from the crowd.

"A note? What are you? 11?" Jennie squeaked, high fiving her minions.

A few more students broke into laughter as Miles openly glared at me, and if looks could kill, I'd be six feet under.

"On a scale of 1-10? Yeah." She said, turning with a sickly sweet smile towards Jennie, making her smile drop, while she went back to reading her damn book.

I hadn't noticed till then that I had a stupid smile on my face.

"We should do a girls versus boys, don't you think?" Kelly, one of Jennie's minions said, making the other girls squeal.

I heard a low snort from the bench where Miles was and turned to see her eyes still on the book, with a smirk on her face.

"That's actually a good idea." I said, making Miles scoff and raise her head, but her eyes widened when she saw me already staring right at her.

This is perfect. She can never walk away from a fight and this is exactly that.

I smirked at the thought before turning to the class and explaining the rules, before taking positions.

*****

"This is stupid." Jennie whined, after being out for the second time, and walking off court.

The girls had barely aimed at half of our team while their team has already been all out once and are back in court for the second time.

I could tell by the laughter from our team's side, that no one was really playing, we weren't planning on hurting anyone of them.

But I know how badly this whole thing was affecting Miles.

She was now leaning back on the wall, with one foot on the bench in front of her. Her book supported by her knee,

which she was holding upside down by the way,

as she sat there chewing on her nails and tapping her foot.

The tapping grew louder and faster with each girl walking out of the court, making my smirk grow, as I caught another ball in my hands with ease.

I threw the ball with minimal force towards a girl and it bounced off her knee.

There was one girl left on their side and she looked so scared, that it looked like she might cry.

She threw the ball with shaky hands and the ball barely crossed the line between the two sides, making us look at it in disbelief.

"Alright. That's it!"

There it is!

A very annoyed Miles, peeled off her jacket, throwing it in the bench on top of her book, leaving her in her a black top and grey pants.

My eyes had a mind of its own and kept drifting down her face, making me look away for a second, to recollect my thoughts.

I could tell from the gulping sounds from the other guys, that I wasn't the only one facing this problem.

I turned to throw a glare over my shoulder, making most of them look away from her.

"I can't watch this shit, anymore." Miles gritted out, rushing into the court. "Rematch."

I smirked looking down at her. "But what about your note?"

She glared up at me with so much intensity, that I wanted to push her against a wall, with my body against hers.

"Fuck that." She said stepping closer.

She's gonna be the death of me.

'For real.'

"Okay then." I tilted my head to the side. "You heard the lady, rematch it is." I announced walking back to my position in the court, while she did the same.

This is gonna be interesting.

*****

We're fucked.

Annoying Miles was definitely not the way to go, before we play something that involves balls.

Uh... the ones that are supposed to be played with...

... whatever

The girl's team still had four of them on the court while the boy's team was down to 2, me and Jake, another guy from the football team.

The reason we were losing was because we had the strength, for sure, but Em's agility is inexhaustible. She's flexible and throws with quite a lot of force, as well, which ended up embarrassing a lot of boys, walking out of the court.

I have caught a number of her throws, making her glare at me and target someone else.

I... well, I haven't thrown at her at all. In fact, anytime someone does, I'm reminded of all the bruises I've seen on her body.

As if on cue, Miles swung her arm back, throwing the ball towards Jake, which hit him in the stomach, making him let out an oof, and slowly walk out of the court.

I turned back to look at Miles with my eyebrows raised in surprise, only to notice that it's just us left in the court. One to one.

I received the ball, from Miles who passed it with quite some force, as the smirk playing on her lips was constant.

Cute

'Get a grip.'

I shook my head slightly, before aiming at her legs, not to hurt her.

And she dodged, which is quite impressive, seeing as to I threw it with quite some force.

She frowned at that, looking unimpressed.

"You're gonna keep holding back because I'm a girl? Cuz this is getting boring Ryder." She spat, before throwing it right in the line of my face.

I caught it right before it could touch my face, but the force made me stagger back a little, making me frown.

"The face? Really?" I pointed at my face.

Talk about being ignorant to real beauty.

'You're a dick.'

I received an eye roll from her, muttering an 'I would've fixed it' under her breath.

I swung my hand back and threw with medium force towards her, which went off a little above to where I intended to aim at.

She moved to the side quickly, but she wasn't quick enough and the ball scraped against the side of her covered abdomen, making her turn all the way and fall on her knees.

Loud hollers from the boys echoed through the gymnasium, making me wince. I was then swamped by the crowd as they patted my back.

There were also some girls in the crowd, commenting on how strong my arms are or whatever, making me grimace in disgust.

Through the crowd, my eyes landed on a figure on the other side of the court, still on her knees, clutching her side.

The sound of the bell saved me from making meaningless excuses, as the students slowly started filing out of the gymnasium, by themselves.

I didn't wait for an extra second before running to the girl who doesn't even know, but owns my heart.

"Hey, you good?" I asked as soon as I reach and squat beside her hunched form.

Her eyes widened, before she let out a nervous chuckle. "Yeah, totally." She rasped out, but I could hear pure pain in her voice.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "What's wrong, Miles? I don't think the ball hit you smack dab in your abdomen, did it?" I asked, moving to inspect the area, but she stopped me by placing a hand over my chest.

She was holding the side of her stomach on the other side of where I was, looking at me with her eyes wide.

"I'm fine, really. You should go, or you'll be late for your next class." She said, trying to push me away from her.

I clenched my jaw. "I'm not going anywhere, we're going to the nurse's office, so you can get checked." I said, moving to slide my hand under her back, to the other side and under her knees so I can pick her up, bridal style.

"Ryder, I'm telling you, I'm fine. The ball barely touched me." She said slapping my hands away from her.

I sighed grabbing her hand with one hand and sliding the other behind her back, to the other side, making her wince and whimper in pain.

Seeing that, I quickly retracted my hand as she completely laid on her back on the gymnasium floor.

I looked at her wide-eyed, when I felt something wet on my right hand and I turned to see it coated with crimson.

"Ryder..." Miles rasped out, looking at me with an alarmed look as her chest heaved up and down.

I was robbed of speech, as I sat there looking at her wide-eyed.

Probably not the best moment for my brain to shut down, as she bled on the floor of the school gymnasium.

'This day's going pretty well.'

Kill me, now.

*Author's note*