Ch. 17

I watched her look between Julian and I with pure confusion written across her face. We all stood in an uncomfortable silence for what felt like forever but in actuality was no more than a few minutes. Julian's grandmother looked at me and my reflexes made me automatically look down at my feet. It was a defense mechanism that I had for as long as I could remember. When I was wrong I knew I was wrong and I was definitely wrong in this situation. She reached out and grabbed my hand before pulling me into a warm hug. I held on to her for a little while before she whispered "Let's go inside okay." I nodded and she showed us the way in. Once I was completely inside I was completely taken aback. Her home had such a warm feeling, her Christmas tree was up and fully decorated and stockings lined the top of her fire place. I hadn't really been into the holidays since my father passed away, I actually pushed the idea of the holidays so far into the back of my mind that for the past couple of years I hadn't even registered them happening. This year was absolutely no different. I hadn't even realized all the decorations starting to go up but standing in the middle of her home caused my heart to sting. I had allowed myself to shut off certain memories and they we're all starting to flood back in at full force. I saw Julian raise an eyebrow almost like he could sense that something was wrong with me but I mustered up the most realistic half smile I could which only caused him to stare at me for a few seconds and look away. A wave of guilt washed over as I saw his dull facial expression, I knew this was coming and I knew he had every reason to act the way he was but I didn't expect for it to hurt me so bad. Julian's grandmother must have noticed the tension between us so she motioned for us to come sit next to her on the couch. I reluctantly walked over and took a seat next to her while Julian still stood in the door way. I sighed, frustrated at no one but myself. He didn't deserve this regardless of how I felt I should've handled things differently. After realizing Julian was in no mood to deal with him his grandmother walked over to him and they exchanged a few words. I couldn't really make out what they were saying but I assumed she tried to convince him to play nice and he kindly declined. After a few minutes of them speaking Julian walked past me up the stairs without saying a word and his grandmother joined me back on the couch. She wrapped one arm around my shoulder and gave me a tight squeeze before patting my leg and saying "everything is going to work out my dear."

"You think so?" I whispered. More so talking to myself than her.

"I know so" she responded.

I looked at her round face that was home to same piercing green eyes that she shared with both Julian and Janae and noticed a small smile form at the corners of her lips.

"You're trying to read me for answers" She said.

"Huh?"

"Julian does it all the time when he's uncertain of his next move. He stares at me long and hard like the answers he's looking for are going to emerge from my face" she chuckled.

I frowned and looked down at my hands that were now folded together in my lap.

"I'm sorry ma'am I didn't mean to stare I just... It's just that I.. I don't know"

"What don't you know baby?" she questioned.

I fiddled around in my seat a little longer before saying "With Julian ma'am I don't know what to do. I think I really hurt him."

" First, Don't call me ma'am call me mama and second what is it that you feel you did that was so unforgivable"

"I kept a really big secret from him for a long time, we weren't together and we're still not together but It was wrong of me to do."

"Just give him time, something seems different about him. His aura has changed maybe its because of you" she smiled..

Yeah right I thought before faking a smile. Julian hated me if there was anything positive about his aura I definitely didn't have anything to do with it.

"May I ask you a question" she asked

"Yes ma'a..." me almost allowing ma'am to slip out my mouth caused her to raise an eyebrow which made me smile

"Yes mama I mean"

"I've never heard Julian speak of a child when did this happen?"

I groaned. Not only did Julian hate me but I was about to add his sweet grandmother on to that list. I thought to just fake an illness but I figured what the heck I was already in the hole why not just bury myself completely. I knew the questions would come eventually but I didn't anticipate eventually being right now. I took a deep breath before saying "It happened in high school Janae is 7"

"Seven?" She repeated definitely confused as to how Julian and I could have a seven year old daughter that she never knew about.

"Yes seven. Julian and I met in high school when I moved to Atlanta from Chicago. One thing led to another and I ended up getting pregnant."

She nodded and waved her hands in a motion that indicated that she wanted me to continue because she knew it wasn't the end of the story.

"Prior to me finding out about my pregnancy Julian had gotten into a relationship with this girl and things just weren't falling into place. He had a girlfriend, we weren't an item, he was going to school to play basketball and look he got drafted, I would've just ruined his life."

"Okay continue" she said

"So I went to college in Chicago and had Janae, I've raised her on my own. Julian and I didn't speak after high school but Janae has always asked about him and we kind of just bumped into each other because I moved back to Atlanta so I just told him the truth."

"I see" she said. She let the words hang off her lips like she was trying to think of what to say next.

"So you see why he has all the right to hate me mama?" my voice started to crack and before she could respond to what I had said the tears started to violently pour from eyes. I was crying for myself and what I thought I had to do, for Janae because she missed out on so much time with her dad. My dad was always my hero and I never gave her the chance to have Julian be hers, but more than anything I was crying for Julian because I robbed him of the chance to be a father. I took his family from him, I took his daughter away from his grandmother and other relatives I had hurt so many people and it was all just making my head spin. I tried to catch my breath but because I was crying so hard all I ended up doing was making the heaving worse. I started wheezing but by that time Julian's grandmother had come back in with a paper bag that she helped me position around my mouth. She put her hand on my back and tried to help me control my breathing. My wheezing was soon replaced with light sniffles once I was able to get my breathing back under control.

"Ok baby you just need to calm down and we'll talk about this later, there's a guest room upstairs go lay down for a few" She said

"Oh mama, no. It's okay I'll head back to my hotel" I said while standing up to leave

She rushed to the door and blocked it. I sighed, Julian must of got his persistence from her I thought.

"It wasn't a suggestion it was an order young lady."

I looked at her with her hands folded against her chest and knew she meant business.

"Okay"

She smiled all the while never moving from the door. She motioned for me to go upstairs and although I was reluctant I headed on up and found the guest room. I could use the sleep because all that crying had given me a spliting migraine.

I fell back on the bed and just as I closed my eyes my phone started to ring. I opened one eye and glanced at my screen. Rico's name flashed across and at first I was going to ignore the his call but I decided against it.

"Hey!" I shouted into the phone trying not to sound utterly depressed and drained.

"Hey you sound like you're having fun what are you up to" He asked

Fun.... Yeah... Tons of fun I thought.

"Yeah, you remember my cousin Erica I use to tell you about?"

He thought for a second then said "yeah what about her?"

"She stays in the heights, I'm visiting with her"

"That sounds great babe, I'm driving into Jersey because I have a meeting I might not be back tonight"

I caught myself rolling my eyes because one he had lied about going to practice and two he just made me realize that he never ever listened to me when I spoke. As much as I talked about Erica he didn't even notice I was lying. I always talked about one day going to LA to visit Erica. Even though I was annoyed I was also relived because I didn't have the energy or mental capacity to fabricate a coverup story at this current point in time. I was tired. I just needed a break from adulting.

"Heaven did you hear what I said?" I heard him ask

"Yeah.. You wont be home"

"NO what I said after that"

"No I was spaced out a little what did you say?"

"I said stay with Erica, I don't want you headed back to the hotel alone"

"Rico I can't really st..."

"You can't what ? I'm just worried about your safety."

"I can't impose on her like that"

"Well let me get her number I'll call and ask her for you"

I choked on my spit once I heard him say that.

"No, it's okay I'll stay."

"Good, I love you"

"I know I'll talk to you later be safe"

with that I hung up the phone, powered it off and tried to doze off. The only way I could escape all these lies on top of lies was in dream land and that's exactly where I intended to go.

After a few hours I got up and headed downstairs to see if there was anything I could help mama with before I headed out. I know I told Rico that I would stay at Erica's but considering Erica really lived in California that wasn't much of an option

"Mama I'm going to be.. OH!" I shouted as I reached the bottom of the stairs. Julian sat on the last step just gazing off into space.

"Sorry I didn't know you were here I'll just go" I said

"Don't"

I stood there frozen not sure what to do next.

"Sit" he said coldly.

I followed his command and sat on the stairs careful not to sit too close to him because I wasn't sure how he would react.

"Does she know about me Heaven"

"Yes, she's known about you since day one. She doesn't think Rico is her dad if thats what you're concerned about"

He nodded before asking "Does she want to meet me?"

"More than anything" I replied

"Why did you do it?" He asked. This time turning to look at me right in my eyes.

"Because... Because you belonged to someone else, I didn't want to ruin your life."

He looked at me and the sadness never left his eyes he eventually stood up and headed towards the door. I sighed and got off the steps to find mama

"Mama I'm going to be headed out" I shouted not sure where she was located in the house

"Oh but Heaven, what about dinner you didn't even eat." She said

"It's okay, I'll get something at the hotel"

"No you won't! And you'll stay right here tonight. You have a lot on your plate you don't need to be alone"

"I.."

"You nothing it's final. My granddaughter is just about your size you go get freshened up and I'll bring you some clean clothes"

I knew better than to try to protest with her. I went back upstairs to my guest room and turned on the water for my shower and leaned against the sink as I waited for the water to reach a desirable temperature. After a little while I tested the water and stepped one foot in when the bathroom door creaked open.

I jumped back out of reflex but my body naturally calmed down when I saw that it was Julian.

"Julian What are.." He cut me off with a rough kiss. There were so many emotions wrapped up in that kiss it took my breath away. He pulled back and his eyes roamed all over my body and my eyes never left him.

"I forgive you Heaven... I Love you. I've always loved you. I want to be there for you and my daughter. Things complicated right now but we'll work it out."

I opened my mouth to respond but he took my arms pinning them together by the wrist with his hand and placing them above my head. He left trails of kisses all over my neck then made his way back up to my lips. Our breathing was heavy and the air surrounding us was full of longing. He looked over at shower and then back at me

"You mind if I join you?" He said

I smirked and responded " I would mind if you didn't"