I'm sorry

Logan's p.o.v.

It's been a month since I've asked Patton to be my significant other. If I am completely honest, it has been the most wonderful month of my life.

I've felt emotions. How pleasant is that.

Things I haven't felt for nearly ten years I can finally feel again.

Love, happiness, trust.

I hadn't realized how much I had missed feeling feelings. It was quite the refresher.

But unfortunately, sadness always lurks in happiness' shadow. As hate does love, and doubt trust.

Though this month has been delightful, it ends leaving a painful feeling in my stomach; a reminder that feelings are better to not be felt.

A reminder that I need to let go of Patton before he leaves me.

A reminder that everyone will eventually leave me, and it will always be my fault.

I'll screw up, say something wrong. I might as well get rid of people before they can leave a gaping hole in my heart once they're gone.

And that's what I did. I broke up with Patton. I screwed it up like I knew I would. And now I have to push my feelings deep down so I don't feel the pain of his loss. Just like I did her loss.

Today is the anniversary of my sister's death.

-

I ran through the forest with my sister, Lydia, laughing. Mom and dad were walking behind us, hand in hand. It made me happy that they were happy.

Lydia is my most favoritest twin sister I could ever ask for. She's funny and smart and she always helps me when I have trouble in math class.

But the only problem is, she's faster than me. That's not very practical for a race.

"Hey, no fair! Your legs are longer than mine!"

Lydia cackled as she ran faster. "No excuses! I'm gonna beat you!"

Eventually she made it to the lake first and was already knee deep in the water by the time I made it.

"Hah! Beat you."

"Like always," I mumbled. "I'm never gonna win."

"Hey, cheer up! I never go easy on you cause one day you're gonna get so fast you're gonna beat me."

"Really? You mean it?" I said, my eyes sparkling.

Lydia nodded, smiling. "Yep! You just need to keep trying really hard."

"I'll try my hardest!" I said, now determined to surpass my sister.

"Alright, kiddos. You know the drill. No swimming out too far." Dad said, setting down his towel down in the sand and sitting down.

"Okie, dad!" Lydia said, cheerfully.

I slowly made my way into the water. I always had to ease in slowly so I had time to get used to the cold water. I was doing fine, until Lydia splashed me.

I screeched. "That wasn't nice!"

Lydia shrugged, clearly not sorry. I pouted.

"Oh, come on. Sometimes you just need to jump in."

I sighed and smirked as I splashed her back. She giggled and we continued to splash each other until mom called out.

"Not too much splashing!"

"Ok!"

"Yes, mom!"

Lydia and I began to play marco polo for a while, until we eventually got bored.

Lydia smirked and got an idea.

"I bet I can hold my breath longer than you."

I looked at her, offended that she always assumes she can beat me.

"I bet you can't!"

"Can!"

"Can't!"

"Can!"

"Can't!"

"Alright then, if you're so sure you can win, then I challenge you to a..." she paused, smirking. "breath holding contest!"

"But mom and dad said we aren't allowed to hold our breath and that it's dangerous."

"So? They aren't looking! And besides, don't you want to beat me at something?"

I thought about it for a moment. I mean, Lydia was right. Mom and dad weren't looking, which made this the perfect time to prove myself to Lydia.

"Alright, you're on!" I said.

"Ok, on the count of three, go underwater and hold your breath."

"One..."

I got this.

"Two.."

I'm finally going to win.

"Three!"

We both took a big breath and went underwater.

I shut my eyes tight as I held my breath. I wasn't going to lose.

Not this time.

This time, I'm going to win.

I feel my lungs start to beg for air, but I don't give in just yet. I have to win.

I have to.

It got harder and harder. My lungs were burning.

I have to!

I..I couldn't hold my breath for any longer. I swam up to the surface, gasping for air.

Of course, Lydia was still underwater. She won, like usual.

"Alright, Lydia, you can come up now. You won." I said.

She still didn't come up.

Show off.

I waited for a little bit. She still didn't come up. She was good.

"Lydia?"

Lydia eventually floated back up to the surface, but her back was up and she wasn't moving.

"Lydia, you can breathe now.." I said, poking her.

She didn't move.

No...

No..no. No!!

NonononononONONONONONO!!

"MOMMY! DADDY! LYDIA ISN'T MOVING!!" I cried out, getting scared.

I heard my mom cry out from the shore as my dad ran in the water, swimming quickly towards us. My dad picked her up and swam her to shore as my mom called someone.

I got out of the water shaking, but not from the cold.

My dad laid Lydia down on the ground as he started to try and get the water out of her lungs.

Mom was still on the phone with who I could only guess the police. She was shaking and sobbing as she gave the person on the phone our location.

"Come on, Lydia." My dad said, as he kept trying.

I didn't know what to do but cry.

This was all my fault. If I didn't accept her stupid challenge then she would be fine!

-

I sat down on the couch as my mom and dad fought in the kitchen.

"It's his fault Lydia is dead! He was RIGHT THERE and he didn't do anything to help her!" My dad yelled.

Lydia's...dead.

"What was he supposed to do, Jed?! He's seven years old!"

"He should've done something! How do you just stand by while your sister is drowning??!"

"What the hell is a seven year old going to do to help except panic? He is just a kid! He's not grown up like us, he can barely add or subtract, let alone save his sister?"

"Why are you taking that little bastard's side? He just murdered your daughter. OUR daughter."

"He didn't murder her! And don't call him that."

"Whatever, Amy. You can deal with the little murderer while I go out. I'm not doing this." Dad said as he left, slamming the door behind him. I flinched at the loud noise the door made.

My mom went over to me and bent down in front of me. Tears were falling from her eyes as she tried to smile for me.

"Hey, sweetheart," her voice was shaky, "None of this is your fault, ok? Daddy's just a little sad right now. We all are."

I nodded, but I wasn't listening.

Dad was right.

I should've done something. I was worried, but I didn't do anything until it was too late. And now Lydia is dead. The overwhelming guilt and sadness is all I feel.

I am so lost I don't even realize my mom carried me up to my room and laid me down on my bed.

"Try to get some sleep, ok?" She said, kissing my forehead and leaving quickly. Probably to cry.

This is all my fault.

I look over at Lydia's empty bed, and I start crying uncontrollably on my bed. I claw at my head, so frustrated with myself that I welcome the pain. Not because it feels good. It hurts so much.

But I deserve it.

I don't want to feel this. The guilt is too much for me to bear. The pain is too much for me to take. The sadness is too much. My heart is falling apart. I have to do something before it breaks and I can't fix it.

And then I get an idea.

Once I've cried all of my tears, I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling.

I don't know how I did it, but I managed to force all those nasty feelings out of my head. Though all the nice ones are probably gone too, I don't care.

Anything to stop the pain.

I stopped the pain.

I can stop the pain forever.

Everyone I love is going to die and leave me alone, so I promise to never love anyone ever again. Even if it means not loving mom or dad.

Cause I loved Lydia.

And now she's dead.

-

I've tried to honor that promise I made to myself all those years ago. I started focusing on getting smarter, just like Lydia was. I distanced myself from my mother and father and all the kids at school.

Mother tried to get me to talk to her, but I didn't want to talk. I didn't need to. Yes, I was aware that I caused my sister's death, I didn't let it affect me. I had more important things to deal with than the grief and guilt.

If I found a way to shut those out, why would I keep feeling those things?

Father, on the other hand, was more than happy to distance himself from me. He grew cold towards me, just as I had grown cold towards him. He believed I was a murderer. I don't care, though.

Besides, even if I could feel, I still wouldn't care. Because instead of at least comforting my mother, he went off and started to sleep with other women. Which, I suppose, was my fault too, since Lydia's death caused them to fight and since I'm the one who killed her..well. You get the picture.

-

I sat at my desk and began doing my science homework. It should've quite easy, but my brain wasn't letting me focus. More accurately, my heart wasn't.

I still felt bad for letting go of Patton.

I tried to push the guilt out this time, but it wasn't working. Perhaps it was just the unsettling feeling I felt today since it's been ten years since her death.

I looked out the window, because I could have sworn I saw movement come from Patton's window. I was mistaken, however, when all I saw were his light blue curtains.

I decided I'd go over to apologize to him. Though I know I can't get back together with him, I should at least tell him the truth. He deserves that much.

I close my notebook and get up, heading downstairs. My mom is asleep on the couch with a box of tissues. She's clearly been having a rough day.

Of course my dad isn't home. He's never home, and I don't mind one bit.

I exit my house and walk the short distance to Patton's front door.

Since I've grown close with Patton's father (while not giving away that I was his boyfriend) both Patton and his father said I could come over anytime. Patton always told me I didn't have to knock, but I felt after lying and hurting him, I should try knocking first.

I knocked.

No answer.

I tried again.

No answer.

I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I opened the door to his house and went inside.

Knowing he was probably in his room, I went up the stairs. Just then I heard a loud crash come from his bedroom. My instincts kicked in and I ran to his bedroom, swinging the door open.

I was terrified at what I saw.

A chair was kicked over as Patton hang by a noose in his closet.

"PATTON!" I yelled, running over to him. I lifted his body up so he could breathe and I removed the rope from around his neck.

I laid him down on the floor as I called the police.

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

"H-Hi my friend hung himself and I was able to get him down but he's not breathing and I don't know if he's alive."

"Alright sir and what-"

"My name is Logan Smith, and the address for where I am is 221 Bad Wolf Lane."

"Alright, Logan. We're sending paramedics over right away. Try to get him breathing while you wait."

I put the phone down and started giving him CPR. I started crying, but I didn't stop.

His neck was purple from where the noose tugged at him.

I heard Patton gasp as he finally started breathing again. I sighed a breath of relief as I kept crying. I couldn't stop.

Finally, the paramedics arrived and made sure he was breathing. After that they immediately got him into the ambulance.

"I'm coming with him." I said.

"Sir, are you his family?"

"I'm his boyfriend and I'm all he's got right now and I am not leaving his side!" I shouted through my sobs.

The paramedic nodded, either understanding why I screamed or just didn't want to point out I was being rude. They let me in the ambulance as they sped down the road to the hospital.

I held Patton's hand the entire time until we reached the hospital.

Eventually, they had to take him while I waited in the waiting room.

I shakily got out my phone and tried calling Patton's dad.

No answer.

I tried again.

No answer.

I tried again and again, but he still didn't answer.

Covering my mouth so I didn't disturb people with my crying, I called the first other person I could think of.

-