sunday

12:51 am

i have 2 weeks of school left until winter break.

that means i have 2 weeks to bring up my d to a c so that i can actually graduate in honors and not feel like a failure. 2 weeks to turn in both this weeks and last weeks math hw that i didn't do bc i was lazy and busy all week. 2 weeks to ace a final even though i skipped so much work that i only know half of everything. 2 weeks to bring my b in english up so that i have higher than a 3.5 gpa. 2 weeks to get myself together and get shit done.

but i cant. i cant manage to pull myself together and i know that seems really hopeless, but i just cant.

i know im blaming depression and using it as an excuse but it better than nothing. i have to much pride to admit that ive fallen this low.

man i just want to die.

its not even just bc of school. i just cant picture myself ever getting better and every week just makes me realize how useless i am even more.

im just that one person in the group thats just. there. during lunch my friends don't care if im gone, they dont notice if i leave, they're nice and funny and we all have care for each other but my point is that we aren't close. im not trying to say no one is caring enough bc people care for you just as much as you care for them. and ive been trying not to care for a while but i guess it just doesn't work out all the time.

a whole lot of it has to do with me. i cant fully commit to anything because of the risk of the unknown. so i push everyone away. but bc im stupid i always end up joking around too much and hurting someones feelings or oversharing and accidentally make the attention go towards me. i don't want to be an attention whore. even if i probably am. i get sick of people very easily and what other people think about others affect me bc im a gullible piece of crap, so i hear something, think abt it too much, and boom now thats my image of that person. terrible i know

i try to be indifferent and understanding but i know at alot of times im just not. im secretive but bc im poke fun at myself and my depression so much now, i just overshare and now instead of the awkward kid i was growing up, im just the annoying and in your face dumbass. bc i dont have boundaries.

i like to think i haven't revealed much of myself to others but thats not really true anymore. idk guess not alot of people know much abt the depressive me lol.

like

no one really knows im planning on killing myself. no one really knows i was going to at the end of this year. no one knows how i use cable ties. no on really knows im too sensitive to start cutting myself bc i fear stinging pain. no one really knows i was at first going to pay back my parents for taking care of me then killing myself. no one really knows i was going to kill myself after my lola died. no one really know i keep a knife (its dull and useless lol like me) under my bed bc it makes me feel better but idk why. no one know i cry myself to sleep whenever i can and especially on the weekends. no one really knows that the reason i can cry on demand is because i cry so much its become a norm. no one really knows about this wattpad book thing or that i finally joined reddit 2 months ago so that i could post on r/suicidewatch or that i made a contact in my phone for the crisis text line bc for the entire month of september (aug28-sep30) i kept needing help and that was the closest thing to therapy i could get. and no one also knows that i stopped texting it bc i had to wait a little long for a counselor one time and it pissed my pride off so much that i ranted to the automatic thingy and said i would never text again but i didn't realize no one saw it, but just in case i stopped texting bc im too prideful.