《diagnosed》oct 5, 2018
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another continuation
9:18 pm
ive listened, watched and read about suicide and depression, about the psychology of the depressive mind and so many motivational articles and stories and forums and experiences about everyone involved.
pretty much all of last month i would text 741-741 which is like a crisis line and it would always be when im just having bad like crying attacks? and shit like that and ive apparently been texting since august 30. thats the first day i stayed home from school because i procrastinated so much and couldn't get anything done and prepped for my test and binder check, so i ended up crying in the middle of the school parking lot decided last minute to get my sister to drive me home and got my mom to say i could. so i did.
when i got home all i could do was cry. i tried to work and i even lied about it when my sister texted me about it. i called he suicide prevention hotline but i wimped out when they asked my name. so i ended up looking for other resources and lo and behold i found 741-741 and it was kinda everything ive been looking as for online help. from that point on if i really wanted someone to talk to as a way to stop myself from crying and let out all these feeling ive had bottled up for so long everytime i would lash out and walk back to my room only to close the door and find myself bawling my eyes out.
it really helped at those times, but at some point i dont think it was enough. my family problems only got worse and just having someone listen when i was mad wasnt enough for me so i just decided to stop texting it last sunday so i could find a way to cope on my own. about five days and id probably say ive only gotten worse.
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741-741 is really helpful if you need someone to talk to, free, anonymous, new person every time, you can opt out, all you can ask for but thats besides the point
the point is...
i dont think anything anyone else has to say or teach me is changing my opinion on committing suicide.
people will think im selfish or weak?
that's because i am, i cant handle the pressures of life so why keep living it, my family doesnt care about me enough to harm themselves if i die and i dont have any close friends that i would trust with any of this. and even if i did, they'd probably just move on after grieving for like 2 days bc all my friends are just like me...assholes. genuine, honest assholes...yeah. but assholes that would care enough about me to even cry over it...not at all. so fuck it, oops i'm killing myself
there's more to life for?
nope, ill miss out on stuff but by the end of this school year im not going to have friends that would want to hang out or talk to me over the summer so they wont know for a while. college is just hard and having a job or having kids isn't something im looking forward to. no one likes me and i grow tired of people so i doubt anyones compatible with me. oh well.
your friends and family will worry?
my grandma might wonder where i am but she live far away from me so i dont care enough. all i do id disappoint and hurt other people's feelings so i might as well go out will a bang and do just that. no one cares about me so fuck off. you wouldn't kill yourself because some bitch you're related to and never talked to killed themselves.
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you're saying this bc of your depression, just get some help and you can get through this?
ive asked for help indirectly and directly, no one listens. my depression can get better, but i wont be able to live with myself because my high standards wouldn't accept the failure ive grown to become oops lol
but still
im scared
i want to die
but i dont want to die now
id hurt people and thats why im cutting everyone off
(according to some depression and suicide article i read lol)
but that sounds so true
the same mentality that started shit isnt going to end shit
i know that but HOW THE FUCK DO YOU JUST DECIDE TO LISTEN AND CHANGE YOUR WAY OF THINKING???
shits hard as fuck if you've ever tried
i think like a stubborn spoiled child
i probably am
but im a stubborn child capable of killing herself 🤠
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