“So this is it.” An old man said as he looked at his corpse sitting in a lawn chair. “This is death.”

Mort stood beside the man expressionless.

“And are you Death?” The old man asked with surprise.

Mort nodded.

“Well. Look how peaceful I look. Much more peaceful than I deserved to go.” The old man sighed. “I suppose you are going to take me to hell now.”

Mort didn’t even have to pull out the ledge for he knew this old man very well. The old man’s actions have condemn over a million innocent souls to death. “It is not up to me to judge, but it is certain where you will be sentenced.”

“Well that is reassuring. How much hotter than Florida is hell?” The old man said with a smile accepting his fate.

“The method of torture is varied. Unlikely for you to see hellfire, unless specifically chosen.”

The old man nodded then asked. “The people I’ve orde— Well the people I’ve unjustly murdered are they in…” The old man asked with an anxious expression.

“All innocents souls are graced with heaven, all sinners will live out their sentence in hell in time.” Mort said as a matter of fact.

The old man exhaled letting out with him an sense of guilt and anxiety that had plagued him for all the later parts of his life. It haunted him in his dreams, it haunted him in his memories, it haunted him in his thoughts, now he knew it didn’t have to haunt him for much longer. The old man turned to look at the sun and the beautiful grass of his lawn, feeling the gentle breeze of the world perhaps one last time.

“Mind if I asked you a few questions before I go?”

Mort took out a pocket watch and calculated. “We have time for two more questions.”

“What’s God like? Is he omniscient, omnipotent, and all good as advertised? I know my faith, but I want to know for sure.”

“He is and he isn’t. He has the power to know and control all things, but he chooses to not. From a human perspective I would not describe him as ‘all good’. His idea of ‘good’ is from an eternal viewpoint. I do not have the time to describe who he truly is or capable of in our short time together.” Mort said while gazing into the distance.

The old man had a million follow up questions from that answer but held it in. He closed his eyes and asked. “Will my family be ok?”

Mort got out his ledger and flipped through and checked a few entries. The old man held his breath as he watched Mort scan through each entry. “They will be fine, none are likely to be condemned to hell or suffer from untimely deaths.” Mort said as he put the ledge away and checked his pocket watch before announcing: “it is time.”

The old man took one last deep breath of fresh air before Mort and the old man disappeared.

***

“That was a lot of demons.” Victor said while watching James devouring a corpse. James was chewing slowly on the corpse, savouring each bite.

“I dunno if this is good for em. What’s the saying? You are what you eat.” Mars said while wiping blood off his hands with a handkerchief.

“So you thinking we should balance his diet? Food pyramid and all that?” Victor gave Mars a dumbfounded look.

“I dunno maybe some ‘good’ souls, at least a Nephilim or some some.” Mars shrugged. “Don’t reckon Mort will be too happy when he sees a rabid hell hound instead of a horsemen.”

“Hmmm. Probably not. Can you tell apart the souls?”

“Not without straight up seeing it and I don’t think we got enough dough to hire a reaper to play dog sniffer.”

Victor facepalmed. Before Mort sent Victor and Mars into purgatory Mort confiscated all their ill-gotten coins. Which effectively left the two broke except for a few emergency fund tokens they had buried for rainy days. Burning those for Souls McEating here and being broke might just cause real damage to themselves.

“So what are we going to do?”

“What can we do?” Mars frowned. “Gotta play detective and observe their vibe.”

Victor exhaled in frustration. “Not only do we have to travel all the way to a ‘lost’ soul, we now got to make sure they are a ‘good’ soul? My God. what’s next? Making sure they are flavourful as well?”

***

Victors, Mars and a bounded James slung over Mars shoulder was now observed a drug deal. A dealer was selling drugs to a visibly pregnant lady. The dealer had a firm look as he counted the money and handed the pregnant lady a clear bag with pills.

“All right, this guy is evil, let’s go to the next one.” Victor said as he turned to leave.

“Wait wait, hold up. We flew 5 hours for this dude give em a chance.” Mars said as he pulled Victor back.

“Come on he’s dealing to a pregnant person. How many righteous souls in heaven have done the same?”

“Well, she’s gonna to get high one way or another, can you really say it’s evil if it’ll happen one way or another?” Mars asked.

“Are we going to have to debate morals, ethics, good and evil now?” Victor scoffed.

“Well we gotta test em.”

“’Test em’ how?” Victor mocked.

“See that kid over there?” Mars pointed to a kid playing basketball a few feet away.

“Yeah?” Victor replied, not seeing where Mars was going with his line of thought.

“Ok when our guy walks pass that kid, you break the kid’s leg or something and see if he helps.”

“Is the righteous litmus test going to be based upon whether drug dealers help kids with broken legs?” Victor said sarcastically.

“It’s a start, unless you got a brighter idea in your noggin.” Mars frowned.

“Ok fine.” Victor said and waited near the kid.

As the drug dealer passed by Victor waved his hand and the kid landed unnaturally on the ground, perfectly breaking the kid’s legs.

“Why did you break both?!” Mars asked with exasperation.

“You said legs!” Victor yelled.

“I said leg! Not legs, one leg. Now this looks sus.” Mars yelled back. “Shit see, now our guy booked it. It’s fucked.”

“Alright I bet you a gold token our guy is evil anyways.”

“Your on.” Mars agreed and the two shook on it.

Victor then snapped his fingers and the fleeing drug dealer floated in the air while still trying to run and was yanked back to Victor and Mars. The drug dealer was panicked and looked around in fear but spotted no one except the kid on the ground yelling in pain. Victor snapped his fingers again causing the dealer neck to be twisted around 180 degrees. The dealer fell limp. The kid saw the dealer’s horrific death and screamed out in fear before crawling away. Mars and Victor kept their eyes trained on the corpse of the drug dealer waiting for a reaper. It took a few minutes longer than normal before a reaper showed up.

“Well if it isn’t —“

“Ah just get on with it!” Victor said and waved the reaper off.

The reaper looked at Victor and Mars with a confused expression before muttering “well. Alright.” And reached his hand toward the corpse and a white soul floated out.

“FUCK!” Victor yelled.

“See. Ya can’t judge a book by its cover. You gotta test em thoroughly.” Mars smiled smugly.

Victor grumbled and muttered curses as he took a token out of nowhere and threw it hard at Mars’ face. Mars caught it with ease and put it away while sporting a shit-eating grin. The confused reaper decided to not get involved with the two well known trouble makers and vanished after retrieving the soul.

“A ‘good’ demon, well fuck me.” Victor cursed as he inspected the corpse, noting its distinct demonic smell.

“Half-demon.”

“How can you tell?” Victor asked with skepticism.

“Less coal smelling more charcoal smelling.”

Victor sighed. “Is that why you wanted to test this one?”

Mars replied with a grin. “But to be honest, ‘good’ demons ain’t that rare. Alotta demons are just poor blokes who got tricked into the job after their time in the pit or just picked the wrong team.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Victor grumbled while walking away.