Barra da Tijuca, Rio de Janeiro

Tuesday, 4 a.m. Barra da Tijuca. The day of the week does not make much difference to this story. In fact, the real villain showed himself during the early morning hours. Enzo was rocking on his bed, mulling over something, maybe in a dream. As soon as he woke up, he felt an enormous pressure in his head, which was concentrated in only one region of his body. His left ear. And it hurt. A lot.

- Oh, bugger. What a hurt!

It was very sad. Enzo hadn't felt pain like that since he was a kid. A strong throbbing pain in his left ear. And the worst thing was that there was no one to help him at that moment or to say a few words of comfort. Unfortunately, he would have to wait until daybreak to seek help.

At exactly six in the morning, Vini heard knocking at his door. He found it odd, because if it was Enzo, he would have been kind enough to ring first. At least that's what Vini figured. Full of slumber, he assumed it was a burglary. As crazy as it might be, a few break-ins had occurred in twenty years of Lake Buena Vista, fortunately nothing major, except for the scares and angry residents.

- Something wrong, pal? - Vini answered him very patiently.

- My ear. It just keeps hurting.

- When did it start to ache?

- Today, Vini. I woke up with this pain. It feels like I was punched.

That's when it happened. Without any warning, Enzo began to cry profusely, something that had not happened since the defeat in the Libertadores Cup in 2021. And the worst part was that it was a cry of grief, of despair, the worst of tears.

- Vini! - Enzo groaned. - My ear hurts!

- I'm sorry, buddy. - Vini was speechless at this abnormal situation. - Is there anything I can do?

- Make this goddamn pain stop!

Okay, this Vini couldn't do.

- That's it. I'm done with this bullshit. - Enzo picked up the cell phone angrily. - I'll take care of this shit myself.

And after a few words on the phone, he was ready to go. The thing is, Vini actually wasnt.

- Where am I going to?

- I was looking on the internet and I found a clinic.

- That's cool. And it's open?

- Yes, it's open.

- And does it accept our health insurance?

- If they don't, I'll burn the shit out of that place.

It took only a few minutes to walk to the clinic, a beautiful glass building. There was only one small problem. And Vini soon noticed. Enzo, on the other hand, became aware of the problem after a while.

- Is it here? - Vini asked.

- That's what the map says. - Enzo clarified.

- Enzo, buddy, your pain is in your ear, right?

- Yes.

- Then why are we in an eye clinic?

- Excuse me?

- Enzo, ear problems are solved by ENT doctors. Not ophthalmologists.

- What do ophthalmologists do again?

- They take care of the eyes.

Enzo didn't want to confess, but in fact he had made a big blunder in confusing ENT with ophthalmology. Well, after all that, there was only one thing left for him to do.

- Vini, my ear hurts a lot.

- It's all right, Enzo. Let's go home.

Yes, Vini knew that Enzo had made a mess of the situation. But what would he do? His friend was suffering, and he wouldn't be so ridiculous as to give a lecture about it. With this thought in mind, Vini returned to Lake with Enzo, but not before making a list of all the ENT doctors in the neighborhood. Sadly, his efforts were in vain, as none could see him that day.

- Not until tomorrow? - Vini complained. - My friend needs an appointment now. It's an emergency. He will die.

Hyperbole. It wouldn't hurt. He had to give it a try.

- I couldn't. - Vini was sorry. - I did my best.

- Forget it, Vini, it's useless. This health insurance is worthless!

- Well, there is still one more option.

- Anything, Vini. I'm about to rip my ear off!

This time, Vini took Enzo to the right clinic. Fortunately, they would be taken care of, but at the same time...

- Vini, when I said anything, I didn't really mean anything.

- Be quiet! You want the pain to go away, now it will go away.

- How long are we going to wait?

- Why do you ask?

- Well, the pain persists and so far we have not been treated.

- Enzo, this is an emergency clinic. And we have been here for twenty minutes. So be patient.

- What difference does it make? I'll be dead from waiting and my ear will probably explode and kill everyone here.

Vini thought quickly, as he realized that the numerical password on the electronic scoreboard was still 550, and Enzo's number was 660, not including the priority queue. To distract him, he remembered a story he had heard about a resident on the 20th floor and his new car. Want to distract Enzo? Put two not necessarily related things together and make comments about them. In this case: cars and gossip.

- Hey, buddy, did you hear that Alberto from the 20th floor lost his new car on the Américas Avenue?

Enzo's eyes widened.

- He crashed his new Porsche 997?

- Yes, he did.

- But he had insurance, right?

- Well, not for third parties.

- What the fuck does that mean?

- That the insurance doesn't cover the shit you caused other drivers.

- In other words?

- If your girlfriend's dog pees, you have to pay for the neighbor's carpet.

- Oh, dammit.

- That's right.

- And how much was the damage?

- Eighteen thousand.

- Eighteen thousand? For a smack?

- That was a lot of damage, Enzo.

- Shit, if I'd known that a smack was so expensive I wouldn't have stayed so long in the bathroom for so many years since I was 16.

- Thanks for the disturbing mental image.

- You are welcome, my friend.

But Vini knew that this was only a stopgap. As much as he hated to agree with Enzo, his rant made sense. It was going to take time. And so it did. Too long. Enzo couldn't take the pain anymore, or his new enemy. The waiting. He couldn't accept the fact that his number was so far away and that others who arrived later were attended before him. Still, it could be worse. But, sadly, was. The last straw was when an old lady driving a Volvo XC60 - not that it has much relevance to the story, but it confirms the average age of 75 for Volvo owners - pulled into the clinic's parking lot. She got out of the vehicle, which magically turned off its headlights as soon as the doors closed. The white-haired lady took a number and sat down next to Enzo. And then it happened. The electronic scoreboard flashed twice, showing the ticket of the lady who spent less than ten seconds in the clinic. She probably took longer to park her Volvo. Oh, Enzo was a frazzled mess. He felt like he was going to explode like Vesuvius. And the counter attendants would be the population of poor Pompeii.

- What the fuck! - Enzo complained. - How will she be attended to now? She arrived, sat down and was called? Fuck me without a condom!

- Enzo, she should get in the priority line. - Vini made a pertinent observation.

- Fuck the stupid priority line! There's no one at the fucking counter!

The lady overheard the conversation - or Enzo's psychotic outburst - turned and walked towards him. For a madam, she had the hearing of a feline.

- What's going on, kid? I don't like the way you talk.

- Sorry, I'll mind the day you take the fountain of youth!

- I'm very disappointed in your manner, boy.

- Oh, you're old, you probably don't even remember how you got here!

- Enzo!

- What, Vini? She drives a Volvo! Of course, she must be at least a hundred years old.

- Enzo, stop being silly!

- Idiocy? Vini, I've been waiting my shit here for ages! This woman pops up out of oldtown, parks her Volvo, takes the fucking password, and then she's already in! All in ten seconds! I'm not counting, but I'm here much longer than ten fucking seconds!

Although he didn't say it out loud, Vini was tired of Enzo's complaining and attacks. Yes, Enzo had reasons to be upset, but all this anger and lack of control was not in his nature. Even for Enzo this was stupid behavior.

A few long hours later, Enzo's password flashed up on the illuminated sign. Even with his bad ear, he could magically hear Hallelujah playing randomly in the clinic. Next, some doctors would appear and start a choreographed dance, and the attendants would get up on the counter and proceed with the dancing and singing, just like in Disney movies - before they went garbage.

Enzo sat down in the velvet chair next to Vini. The room didn't have many decorations or anything fancy. Two chairs, a white table, some pictures in picture frames, and a laptop. Nothing too flashy or interesting.

- Dentists' offices are better. - Vini made a comment.

- Yes, because they torture their victims. - Enzo said, kidding. Apparently.

The doctor opened the door and sat down in his chair in front of Enzo and Vini. He could be the father of the two boys, he must have been 35 or so, tops. He wore glasses and a lab coat with his full name on it.

- Sorry for the delay. I went to get a cup of coffee.

- That's fine, doctor... - Vini read the name under one of the pockets of his lab coat.

- Rodrigues. - said the doctor.

- All right, Dr. Rodrigues.

- Who is Enzo and who is Vinicius?

Enzo pointed with his pointer to... Well, Enzo; while Vini pointed to himself.

- What is the reason for the panic? What has gone wrong in both of their lives?

- First of all, just fucking everything. - Enzo answered. - But the most recent facts first, doctor. I woke up with a fucked up pain in my left ear.

- A Fucking pain?

- Yes, doctor. I woke up in the early morning with a lot, and I mean a lot of pain. Pain that still hasn't ceased.

- He went to an ophthalmologist to check the ear pain. - said Vini, smiling, to Enzo's anger.

- Ophthalmologist? - Dr. Rodrigues didn't understand.

- I confess that won't go to my top 5 best moments. - Enzo said.

- It's going to take a while to get over this one, my dear.

- Anyway, doctor, I'm in a lot of pain since morning. Wouldn't you have some medicine, a tranquilizer, a pill, a gun, anything, just to make the pain go away?

- Actually, I do. But first: have you been sick lately?

- Yes, and half of Barra da Tijuca. How did you know?

- Just a guess. And have you been sniffing your nose often?

- Yes. Nobody wants to see a bunch of phlegm coming out of my nose in public. I have a reputation, doctor.

- I'm sure you do.

- Why do you ask? Do you think there is a correlation?

- I think so. And do you sleep with the window open?

- No, I usually sleep with women.

Enzo began to laugh alone, while Dr. Rodrigues and Vini remained silent until Enzo realized that he really was being an idiot.

- Doctors don't have a sense of humor. - Enzo remarked.

- Yes, doctor, Enzo sleeps with the window open. I keep telling him to close it, but he doesn't listen to me.

Dr. Rodrigues got up from his chair and started to think. But before saying anything, he couldn't help but question:

- Didn't you say you slept with women?

Enzo and Vini looked at each other, silent. The doctor let out a short laugh.

- Here's the deal, Enzo. I'm going to give you a pill.

Uh-oh. Enzo's blood ran cold when the doctor said the word pill, while Vini suffered from anticipation as usual.

- Don't worry, it's sublingual. Small. You won't have the worry of getting choked.

- I have a narrow throat.

- Narrow throat? - The doctor was intrigued by yet another medical breakthrough.

- If you were a woman or gay, that would be a problem. - It was Vini's turn to be the joker.

- It's a very strong medicine. - said the doctor. - So don't take more than one pill. Take one now. The pain will go away in about half an hour. After the first dosage, only if you are in pain!

- Aye, aye, Captain.

Vini took Enzo to a pharmacy, in the Downtown Mall, just a two minute walk from Lake. The mall is famous for being an open-air mall, with only the food court and the movie theater being indoors, which is very interesting on a sunny day, but when it rains, it's a letdown. And it is not usually very crowded, even on weekdays, which is always a plus, since the neighborhood is known for the beach and the malls.

While Vini was looking for the medicine package, Enzo couldn't let the opportunity to make a fool of himself.

- Hey, look at this. - Enzo pointed to the condom section.

- Oh, Enzo, fuck!

- What? Don't you think you should stock up?

- I don't.

Enzo's eyes widened and he smiled, incredulous.

- I don't believe it! Are you serious?

- No, Enzo. But... I learned to do it without.

- So you prefer with?

- It's safer. Avoids headache and child support.

- Oh, Vini. It's like buying an automatic Honda Civic! It's not the same as the pleasure of shifting gears and accelerating like a madman.

- That is what you would do.

- Well, maybe. But I wonder... Don't you feel less... - Enzo tried to find the word. - Pleasure?

- No, not exactly. And Belgium has the pill, so... But what about you? Speaking of Honda Civic, not for anything, but your tank is totally dry, isn't it?

Enzo made a dejected expression.

- Oh, wonderful! My ear is throbbing and I'm totally flat. This has to be the most frustrating day of my life.

- And it's still fairly early.

- Just take the medicine and the condoms and let's get outta here.

- I don't want condoms.

- Not even to use as water balloons and throw at the Costabella residents?

Vini smiled.

- I'm all out of money, Enzo.

Then Enzo looked around for security cameras. He looked up at the ceiling. No cameras. He looked at the clerk. Nothing. Everything looked clean. Immediately, he took a box and tucked it in his shirt, creating a bulge. They both ran to pay for the medicine. Vini handed over the money. The cashier didn't want to talk much. She gave him his change and didn't even smile. Everything was going well. Until a security guard blocked their exit with his arm.

- What the fuck? - Enzo complains.

- Your pockets are not empty. - he said.

- Oh, Enzo. - Vini moaned.

Then, magic happened, as nothing but a cell phone and a wallet of money came out of Enzo's pockets. Although he was a moron, that was kind of impressive.

- I didn't know that carrying money in your pocket was a crime in this country. I would understand even if it was in my underwear.

- I'm sorry.

What could the security guard do? Let them both go and get on with his life. But soon Vini noticed the bulk in Enzo's pants. Master move.

Returning to Lake, Vini invited Enzo to come in. Finally Enzo could remove the box of condoms from... well, there. But as it turned out, frustration soon set in.

- Oh, shit! I got XL instead.

Vini started laughing.

- I guess crime doesn't pay, huh?

- You don't know shit.

- I think I do.

- Just give me the drugs.

Enzo took the pills out of the box. He took one and placed it under his tongue. It tasted funny, sweet. It was strangely very good, when you consider that taking pills was one of the things he hated the most.

- It tastes good. - Enzo said.

- And no pathetic drama this time. - Vini made a mean, but true comment.

- It's no drama, you ass. I choke on these pills. I can't take them without water.

- Without water and without a dramatic scene. You should be an actor.

- I'm better than many actors. I'm a better actor than Kristen Stewart.

- Even a vegetable acts better than her, Enzo. It doesn't count.

- I mean, she always makes the same dead expression. Happy? Dead expression. Sad? Dead expression. Brutal sex. Dead expression. Why don't you go and host The View? I mean, there are other five woman doing the same fish dead look as you and getting a few bucks. There's no way that show could get any worse, right?

- If you add Kristen Stewart, yeah.

A few hours later, Vini called Belgium to his apartment. It didn't take long for her to knock on his door. She was wearing a blue jacket and a yellow dress that covered her shins. After all, the wind at Lake was quite strong, and it gets cold depending on the day.

- You look gorgeous, as always. - He kissed her.

- Thank you. - Belgium smiled. - What are we watching?

- How about... Fever Pitch?

Sure, who wouldn't want to see Jimmy Fallon swapping Drew Barrymore for a baseball team?

Vini picked the movie for both of them to watch, and if he was lucky, the night is young, although Enzo's banter made him a little traumatized. But as they put the movie on, Belgium heard the phone ring. She got up from the couch and went to answer it. What she heard was frightening and worrying.

- Vini? Trouble.

- What's that stupid Enzo did now?

The Ambulance took Enzo to the nearest hospital. Vini and Belgium joined him in the back of the Mercedes van. Sirens blared as the vehicle swerved aggressively out of traffic.

- The medicine was very good, Vini.

- Oh, Enzo. You really are an asshole.

Many kilometers away, a metallic gray spacecraft orbited above the huge blue planet, full of life and, of course, water. The two crew members, green alien beings with tentacles, were communicating in their own language, a mixture of Yugoslav languages. Of course, in a galaxy far, far away, there was nothing like the Croatian biodiversity or the rusticity of the Bosnian villages. Still, the communication between the strangers was unique, as was the desire to annihilate life on Earth.

- Užil príliš veľa drog? (Did he take too much drugs?)

- Áno. Čo je to za blbca. (Yes. What a jerk)

- Chce odpáliť atómovú bombu na Zemi? (Does he want to nuke the Earth?)

- Samozrejme! (Of course!)

A laser beam appeared from underneath the ship. It took no more than ten seconds for one of the crew members to press a red button with his gooey tentacle. A shot was fired. Lightning struck the Earth faster than Tom Cruise piloting the F-18 in Top Gun Maverick. But unlike the movie - and all of his action scenes - he did not survive, just like the other billions of people, the deadly shot that put an end to life on the huge blue planet. And you thought the oil companies were going to wipe out humanity?