Barra da Tijuca, Rio de Janeiro

Wednesday, 5 pm, Barra da Tijuca. That particular day of the week has many meanings. For the football fans, it is a match day at the end of the night. For salaried employees, the middle of the work week. But for Vini and Enzo it would signify one thing: supermarket day. And for a person like Enzo, it was nothing more than assisted torture. For Vini, hearing Enzo's endless complaints would also be a hell on earth. But who gave a hoot about poor Vini? Certainly not his aunt, who made him go to the supermarket and take Enzo with him.

- Do we have to go? - he complained.

- Yes, Enzo. - Vini had to answer, although it was obvious. - We've been going to the market for years. Every Wednesday.

- This is absurd! Can't your aunt come?

- No, Enzo. My aunt works late nights. She has no time for mercado.

- How wonderful! I hate this place!

But it was pointless to complain. If that were the case, Enzo would have abandoned his weekly shopping years ago. It wasn't the fact of having to choose hundreds of products on shelves. Or the fact that he had to wait in line when it was time to pay. Or not being able to buy everything on the list. In fact, it was a mixture of several factors, several iceberg tips floating in Al Gore's 10-meter thawing sea. Nevertheless, they finally entered the front door after a five-minute walk down the Avenue of the Americas, after crossing the overflowing parking lot. Before they took opposite directions, Vini handed the list to Enzo.

- It's all there. - he said. - This is what you need to buy. I have 400 cash on hand. If you exceed this amount, you will have to sell your body to the owner of the supermarket.

- Ha, ha. I don't do that, Vini.

- Well, you'll have to if you want to get out without having enough money to pay for everything.

Well, as soon as Vini's speech was over, he made his way to the fruit section, while Enzo took the remaining part. The circumstances indicated a potential disaster, but Vini wanted to give his friend a vote of trust. After all, what was a friendship without trust? But despite the writing, Vini's eyes widened and he thought, even though he couldn't put his feelings into words:

- Uh-oh. What the fuck have I done?

Vini's concern made perfect sense. Because it is obvious that if a child sees several goodies lined up on a shelf, of course he will grab everything he can. Infinite possibilities for food and cleaners. Although we are not talking about a child, as far as Vini was concerned, the worry was pretty much the same.

- What did Vini say to take? Cereal. - Enzo read the list, but at the same time didn't read it. - Cookies. Salmon.

Before he could read what he would like to buy and not what was on the list, Vini popped up.

- What are you doing here? - Enzo asked.

- I changed my mind. - Vini justified. - I'd better do the buying with you.

Oh, sure, absolutely. And the fact that you left the list with a person whose neurons constantly fight with each other has nothing to do with it.

- What's on it? - Vini asked.

- Drinks. - Enzo answered the first item on the list. - That is...

- Matte. - They both answered at the same time.

And in the drinks department, Enzo and Vini were able to choose from a wide variety of liquors. Beers, wines, sparkling water, soft drinks.... The choices were - almost - endless. From time to time they would bump into boys who were excited to steal alcoholic booze. But Enzo was all about his precious Matte, references aside. Matte is an ice tea, very popular in Rio's beaches, also Enzo and Vini's favorite drink.

- Look, how cute. - Enzo took a small plastic bottle off the shelf. - A baby Matte.

- You may finish it in one day.

- One day? - Enzo began to laugh. - I'll finish it in one fucking lunch.

As it turned out, Vini had to get seven bottles of Matte. After all, he knew his audience very well.

The next department was not one of Vini's favorites, but what could he do? He had to go through the bread section, without taking anything, at first. It was not so crowded, but the line to get the bread was. Men and women wanted to get the warm bread and leave that pandemonium as quickly as possible. After some walking, they reached the sector that had been left behind.

- Cold. - said Vini.

- It's really cold here.

Vini stared at Enzo.

- Do you have to say it every time?

- Hey, I have a God-given right to have some good times.

Enzo looked at the cold cuts section a little differently than the others. Besides the temperature, the counter held his favorite dish.

- Hey, Vini, can I...

- No!

- You know what I'm going to say? - Enzo objected.

- Yes, I do. You're going to ask me to buy salmon.

Holy smokes. Dude's good.

- Please, Vini! Please, Vini! You love it too!

- Yes, but loving things doesn't mean I can afford it. They're different animals.

- You're such a pain in the ass. And this place sucks. What's the point of having a bunch of stuff here if I can't take anything I want?

That's what kids ask every time their parents take them to the mall.

Meanwhile, as Enzo continued his relentless complaining, Vini was choosing the fruit. Although it is a simple duty, the choice of fruit must be made with some care. Because the smallest puncture and a different color could be the difference between life and an all-day stomach ache.

- Are you done, Vini? - Enzo asked.

Yes, Vini would not have all that peace.

- No, Enzo, I'm picking the fruit.

- Can't you just pick any fruit?

- Enzo, you dummy, you have to make a pre-judgment. Analyze carefully before choosing the fruit. Make sure there are no deformities or impurities. Check if it is soft and juicy inside.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- All well, I admit that I got a little lost. But my point stands.

- Is this fruit good? - Enzo pulled out a tangerine and handed it to Vini.

- No, it has a hole in it.

He returned the tangerine and soon brought him another.

- And this one?

- No, it's too soft.

Once again he repeated the procedure.

- What about this one?

Vini made sure to look. And then, he returned it. But he gave no reason this time. Soon Enzo noticed a pattern.

- I don't get to choose anything?

But before Enzo could protest, he noticed an intriguing detail. Not only that. A detail with long straight hair, light eyes, beautiful legs and maybe six feet tall.

- Goodness Gracious Me! - Enzo was amazed. - Who is she?

- Oh, no. Here we go. - Vini whined.

- Vini, let me off the hook one single time!

- I'm gonna put a hook in your bloody nose!

Enzo was annoyed.

- You're saying this because you know that my nose is much prettier than this ugly thing in the middle of your face.

Well, a fact. But it is also true that Vini wanted to hit Enzo.

- If you do anything stupid, I will kill you. - said Vini.

Enzo left him behind, as they usually did, a sort of tradition between both gentlemen. Vini moved on with his shopping, while Enzo went after the pretty girl. Initially, he hatched a plan to get her to genuinely talk to him. Therefore, Enzo noncommittally approached her and tried to grab the farthest product from the shelf. And, almost unwittingly, he bumped into the woman.

- Oh, sorry. - Enzo was embarrassed. - I was trying to reach for my stuff here.

She looked at him strangely and asked:

- Absorbents?

Yes, Enzo didn't check the shelf properly.

- Oh, it's not for me, it's for my friend.

- Does your friend use pads?

- No, no, it's for his little sister.

- How old is she?

Uh-oh. They say lies have short legs. Maybe that's exactly why.

- Eight?

Actually, the woman was more confused than annoyed.

- What is your name?

- Hannah.

- Oh, Hannah. Enzo. - He grinned, like a car salesman. - Pretty name. Not for anything, but all the Hannah's I know are very cute.

Which was true, except for the fact that he didn't know any Hannah except for the woman he was talking to at that very moment.

- Are you still looking for your pads? - Hannah asked, unpretentiously.

Enzo laughed. And then dropped the product on the shelf.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. Let my stupid friend come over here and buy himself!

Oh, no. The conversation was fading.

- Look, Hannah, I'm hungry. Would you join me for a snack in the supermarket cafeteria?

It seemed like a reasonable invitation. Even more so when she said "yes".

- Sure, why not? - Hannah agreed. - My son is playing on the playground. I can hang out a little longer.

Son?

- Teen pregnancy? - Enzo asked. Not so unpretentious.

She didn't hear the question.

On the other side of the supermarket, Vini needed to do Enzo's job. But instead, he was looking for random women to spend his time with. But as it turned out, Vini kind of managed to enjoy the quiet moments without any Enzo, as he quickly bought his and Enzo's favorite cookies. And secretly, he stopped by the fish aisle and brought out a salmon, but of course he wasn't going to tell that idiot Enzo.

- Let's see. Cereal. - Vini started staring at the colorful boxes on the shelves. - Froot Loops, Cornflakes, Nescau, Snow Flakes. - Until a detail caught his attention. - Wait a minute. Isn't Snow Flakes the same thing as Sprinkles?

If Enzo were there, that question would soon have an answer.

Back at the surprise date, Hannah sat down next to Enzo and ordered a hot cup of coffee. Enzo just stood there, motionless, just admiring his guest's European beauty.

- What? - she asked.

- Nothing, nothing. - Enzo disguised himself. - So... Do you come here often?

Oh, no. Was Enzo really going to appeal to the questions that a simple cell phone tracker could answer?

- Every Wednesday.

- Oh, really? Me too. With my stupid friend.

- Do you live together?

- No. Vini has too many rules. I couldn't live by Vini's methodology.

That' s when Hannah's phone rang. She quickly answered it and exchanged a few words with the caller. Not to be rude, Enzo walked up to the counter and ordered a Pão de Queijo - for those who don't know, Pão de Queijo is basically a small bread with cheese dough, very popular in Brazil and strangely not very popular abroad.

- Waiting for someone? - Enzo asked as soon as Hannah turned off her cell phone.

- No, no. I just need to schedule my appointment. To the gynecologist.

- Gynecologist? Is this a routine appointment?

Uh-oh. Enzo was asking some dangerous questions.

Sadly, he would not get the answer, because Vini showed up with a cart full of products. And not only that. He wanted Enzo to stand in line with him. Initially, he waited for Enzo to make the decision on his own, but it didn't work out. And in a funny way, Vini was already expecting this to happen. Soon he positioned the cart in the long line and got it closer to the tables in the cafeteria.

- Who is your gal? - Vini asked, smiling. Almost as a tease.

- Hannah. Vini. Hannah. - Enzo could kill him with his eyes.

- Is it really?

- I swear to God i'll kill you. But why are you here? What do you want, Vini?

Incredibly, Vini noticed something that Enzo hadn't until that moment.

- Enzo, you don't think she is... - Vini began to explain, but soon interrupted his speech.

- I don't get it. - Enzo was lost. - Is she a man? Are you a man?

Hannah denied it.

- No. I'm all woman.

- A lesbian?

She didn't deny it that much.

- Yeah, at university. But who isn't at uni?

- So, what's the bloody problem, you dumbass?

- Hannah, if I may ask, how old are you?

- 35.

Enzo's eyes widened. If he had a microphone, Vini would have thrown it on the floor.

- Wait a minute. So, you're 35?

- Yes, I am. Why? How old are you?

- 16.

- Fuck me!

- I wish, but, yeah.

It didn't take long for that conversation to turn into a drunken chit-chat.

- No way in hell you look 35. - Enzo justified.

- How nice - Hannah looked happy. - How old would you give me?

- At the very most, at the most, 20. Which wouldn't be a problem, after all I've dealt with older women before.

- He slept with the teacher. - Vini clarified.

- And I don't regret it one bit. - Enzo smiled.

Well, there was nothing more to be done. In fact, Hannah gave Enzo a light kiss on the cheek and returned to some random aisle of the supermarket. Now there was no escape. They were both forced to wait in line. But in the meantime, they wanted to talk about that day.

- I can't believe I almost got together with a 35 year old woman. She could easily pass herself off as a teenager. Like in those movies you watch. - Enzo teased Vini.

- Yes, I am the one who actually watches those films. - Vini smiled wryly.

- Did you buy my cereal?

- Froot Loops. And Sprinkles. And cheese bread.

- I love you.

- Cut the groveling already, you idiot.

Still, it could be worse.

A few hundred kilometers away, a metallic, plate-shaped spacecraft was observing the mundane life on Earth from afar. The two one-eyed, six-tentacled, sign-height creatures chatted in their own language, a mixture of Ukrainian and Croatian. Just in front of them was a computer full of buttons and lights.

- Shcho nam robyty z tsym nerozumnym zhyttyam? (What should we do with this unintelligent life?)

- Vybukhayte zaraz! (Blow it up, come on!)

So, the spacecraft approached the big blue planet, positioned itself a little ahead to dodge the cosmic boulders. One of the creatures pressed the red button. Beneath the craft, a laser beam weapon appeared and tilted to the right. Finally, a single beam of light was fired toward Earth. The great orb was hit and exploded into millions of pieces, finally turning into mere cosmic dust, which according to Neil deGrasse Tyson is what started life and all other things.