“Hello, young man. I'm constable Constable. What seems to be the problem here? Heard a few rumours on the grapevine, pardon the alcoholism, that something a bit iffy might have happened here.”

The intrepid hero was faced with a rather rounded man, eyes sharp to offset his plump and reddened nose. The luck based loser, copyright pending, tried to take out his license and registration but forgot these things weren't invented yet so he couldn't possibly know about them. Utterly defeated by reality, he just let his hands dangle to the side in a listless, zero intelligence manner.

“I have a feeling you're getting a bit two edgy four me. Is everything still okay up there? Also, how freaking common is that tiger's accent? This is like the third time already.”

The hero's kindness is appreciated but unnecessary. Emotions are for winners after all. It's just that nobody likes to work overtime. Usually it'd already be the funeral of the third hero by now, which would be followed by an introduction of fresh meat into the grinder that is society. But some..., not naming names, are refusing to die like mould on a kitchen sink.

“Maybe I'm just the chosen hero after all who'll defeat the great contemporary evil.”

Unpaid overtime?

“No, the evil entity that kills hundreds of people every day.”

Unpaid overtime?

“You're not listening are you.”

Listening is not a core functionality of unpaid overtime.

“I meant the dragon or evil demon lord or crooked king that somehow nobody knows is evil and eats babies. Stuff like that.”

A summary search of the system provides no such entities on this planet. Last occurrence of a dragon was fifteen years ago. But it blew itself up due to unstable biology. It's why every dragon or dragon-like creature now has to wear a safety helmet and fluorescent vest to warn people that a dragon is near and might be dangerous.

“Might be? You mean there's times a dragon is safe? Also, how would you even get them to wear the safety helmet? Also also, why the hell would you even need a hero if there's nothing to defeat?”

Being evil is a choice, so is racism by the way. And equipping dragons with safety gear is not part of a narrator's job, hence unimportant. Heroes however are a vital part of the local and global economy. Either they die spreading their innate energy across the realm or they live long enough to kill monsters.

“We're fertiliser?”

Fertiliser for the soul, yes.

“Young lad, are you alright? You've been having a very intense conversation with yourself so far. Should I perhaps call a doctor?”

“Ow, euhm, right. Hello mister Constable.”

“It's constable Constable mind you.”

“Ah, mister constable Constable?”

“Just constable Constable will be fine.”

“Doesn't that ever get confusing?”

“Only for those with low intelligence, young man. Now, back on topic if I may. What exactly went on here? Why is the morally undecided magical person of not yet specified cardinal direction flattened underneath this social housing unit?”

“Euhm... it's a long story that involves a tiger and a hostile narrator.”

Our snitching hero explained his circumstances to constable Constable, his eyes red with tears and cowering like he's never cowered before. It was impressive in a weird and opposite way. It didn't take long before the valiant constable understood that the hero was lying and clubbed him unconscious. Dragging him back to a jail-cell to recover from imbibing too much alcohol. The hero, not the constable. Although later, also the constable and four of his friends.

But before morning broke, meant in a temporal fashion, not a financial one with bad spelling, the narrator decided to head home to his loving bottle of whisky and his two baby bottles of vodka. Good night.

–

It was way past noon when the hero awoke in his jail-cell, observing his own character screen.

“No it wasn't, haven't slept at all with these guards constantly trying to sleep-grope me. Where the hell were you?”

Important *HIC* matters had occurred which required focus and *HUC* attention.

“Riight... now how do I get out?”

*HIC* Persistence and intelligence are key to any bodily hostage *HIC* situation. In the case of this hero, perhaps double persistence might work?

“Funny, very funny. You should become a comedian. A broke one that has to sleep on the floor of a friend of his, whose wife hates him and, by connection, you. Now tell me more about this achievement I got last time. 'Everything but the kitchen sink'.”

Fwaaaa, *HIC* The narrator puts on his reading glasses and stares down at the achievement. Hmm... Ow, right... reading... anyway, You can now turn anything into a weapon if you want.

“Anything?”

*HIC* Sound of a bottle rolling away continued on for quite a while.

“I see.”

Our hero with a *HIC* lust for life considered the implications of his new achievement and looked at the five men that were dropped in his jail cell. Huddled together in one sleep-groping pile, one of whom was the *HUC* valiant and honourable constable Constable. A smirk and a dark look appeared on the weasel-like façade of the hero.

“Turn their hands into weapons.”

The narrator blinked and awaited instructions that made more sense.

“Just turn all their hands into weapons, go on, do it.”

The narrator wiped his forehead with a tissue and consumed another one *HIC* of his children. Things started to make more sense. *HUC*

With every grope the huddle of men damaged one another until all of them ended up dead. Our valiant and honourable constable Constable *HIC* held on for a bit longer until he too succumbed to being groped by his own hands. Our... hero was now surrounded by dead people.

DINGGGG! YOU HAVE LEVELLED UP! YOU ARE NOW LEVEL 4! CONGRATULATIONS.

LOST FIFTEEN KARMA.

GAINED ACHIEVEMENT 'I don't wanne touch that daddy.'

The hero's character stats above his head were renewed.

STRENGTH: 0

INTELLIGENCE: 0

AGILITY: 0

DEXTERITY: 0

LUCK: 130

ACHIEVEMENTS:

'Oh you lucky so and so.'

'Innate colon user.'

'Everything but the kitchen sink'

'I don't wanne touch that daddy.'

“That last achievement sounds so, so wrong. And I figured there'd be a penalty for making things easy for a change. But tell me, what's the karma used for? And why isn't it part of the character screen?”

Karmic points aren't shared until the adventure has concluded. If the number is too low, the hero might have to *HURRRR* redo his adventure. Oof, that took care of the tummybug. And this latest achievement makes you able to avoid uncomfortable situations more easily. Any conversation with your parents on why you haven't got a real job or a girlfriend are now a thing of the past. A very useful skill for heroes like yourself. You're welcome.