《BadLifeguard》Punch 2:01 I became a bodyguard!

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Well, I finally got to Dublin. Just the airport, but that’s still a part of it, so I was excited to see the place. But with the bright green suit, there wasn’t much of a chance they’d just let me walk through the gate. I was stuck already.

I didn’t want to risk sneaking in, in case that caused a panic. I remember a news story about a terrorist attack in which a disposable drone was piloted too close to an airport, and so they closed the place down. I imagined what might happen if they found a guy climbing around on the roof. Probably nothing too serious, but still.

I really wasn’t looking forward to this. Well, the tourists looking for pictures is always nice, but sitting around for an hour? Not cool. Bob said it was best if I got there an hour early to keep a look out for any “suspIcious activity”. Don’t know what he thinks I’ll notice; I’m not going to be able to tell if anything weird is going on in this town.

I’m not a good fit for this job, we both knew that, but I need to pay for that “rebirthing fluid”. Maybe it was called something else, but I don’t care to remember his secret agent tech. In his words, there were apparently some hiccups in the paper work concerning the Pooka, so his hands were pretty full at the moment, so he needed me to take his place while he… Did whatever paper work for an incident with an undying monster may entail.

He wanted me to do the paper work at first, seeing that it was me who actually fought the thing, but I reminded him that I was now a registered powered Unit in this area, so it would only make sense if I showed this guy around. Ambassador style.

Technically, I’m not fully registered yet, but I will be, so it’s important that I find out what this billionaire is up to on my turf. Honestly, I’d rather do the tried-and-true method, which is having Clover push some form of bad luck onto me so that I end up fighting the guy later on.

I realised before this job that the other two super powered humans I met have tried to kill me, so I don’t have a good track record when it comes to them, so forgive me for being cautious when a stranger flies in from Boston.

Bob provided a lack-lustre break down on the guy. He’s 22, works in coding, and is rich. He also gave me a dumb sign with his name on it. Bob threw me off with the normalness of his name, I forgot that most people I’ve met doing this have had strange names, and this guy’s wasn’t much different.

When it got closer to the time for his plane to land, I got up and held that stupid sign like some sort of cartoon mascot. I’ve worked really hard on this suit, and this one is a suit. I would call the old one a costume in retrospect, this one’s brand new, I just took it out last post.

I don’t have the materials to make it how I envisioned, but I needed a new disguise quick after the Pooka. I’d been hoping I could find quality materials from my school’s technology department, but I clearly forgot my school was shit, they don’t have the budget for tanned leather. I was able to get some leather strips and thicker fabric, so this one is a little more durable, if a little harder to repair.

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My old mask is still intact, but I figured I needed one that would stay on whenever I’m getting tossed around. I reused the pieces for the eyes, and added a thicker material. I thought of a way to gurantee that a normal person can’t take off my mask

I’m not going to say I gorilla glued this thing to my face.

But, basically…

Yeah, it’s not like it’ll hurt when i tear it off.

I cannibalised the scraps of my old top for the restraints and extra fabric. I thought about putting those tAssely bits on my suit, but from experience I now know that most people aren’t in a lucid state when they need rescuing from disasters, for example, the first guy I saved couldn’t tell what was happening when I grabbed him. I kept the one on my mask though, I think it’s a nice touch.

I’ve said before that I’ve gotten less awkward, but I stood there for twenty minutes like a beanpole holding that sign to my chest as people passed me by. One of the reasons I like to wear this mask is because I don’t want people to look at me when I’m doing this stuff. Obviously, people are looking at me. But they’re looking at Sam.

I don’t know why I really want to be a super hero, when they’re basically just flashy versions of real heroes. Paramedics, garde, and I don’t know, astronauts? Those are the real heroes.

Not much else to tell, so let’s skip to the introduction.

I heard some laughing, and turned to face it. Obviously, I get plenty of laughs from… everyone, but that doesn’t Mean I’m gonna ignore it.

I shifted my gaze to a young man wearing baggY sweat pants and a pink shirt with a bold graphic design on it. He clapped a little at my appearance with a dumb smile drawn under his slated glasses. I didn’t think anyone actually wore those things, I thought that was only for new years.

He was walking too me. No way, I thought he’d be bad, but I don’t know if I can handle this guy.

“Holy hell! I’d noo clue the Internationals had a sense of humour! Hey leprechaun, which way to the limo. Or personal R.O carrier, I ain’t picky.” I stared at him, what was Bob actually thinking I was going to do here.

I tried to puff my chest up, “So you’re Axel Wright? I’m the uh, powered unit of this area. The area You’re visiting. So, I’m meeting you instead of Bob, he’s the International-“

He interrupted me, his expression unchanging, “Hey, don’t think I skipped out on doing research of the area. I heard about some trouble with a mutant. Internationals told me about some shapeshifter one of their cleaners took out. Hell, I developed an algorithm to survey the underworld of this little island, and yOu sure as hell don’t look like Bastard’s little princess.”

I didn’t let it show but I was impressed, a little angry at Bob for stealing the credit, but mainly impressed. Maybe it was because I’m from the country, so whenever somebody talks about algorithms, I just think that’s cool sci-fi stuff.

Ahat was nearly all of my knowledge of the paranormal, this 3rd world, that was the research he did for his little trip. or business venture…

Or territory grab.

“-so don’t try to pull any shit kid. What are you, an activist? John’s new recruit? Whatever the case, it hardly matters. A Gecko’ll get here in a few hours regardless of what you do or say.”

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I’ve lied to everybody I’ve met so far, and they’ve ended up going for my head, so maybe I can cool this situation by just putting the truth out there.

“Seriously, I am the- I don’t know what I am, bUt this is my area, my home, sure I’m a little new to all this, but I’m telling the truth when I say I was sent here by the Internationals to greet you. I had to make a deal with one of their agents to pay off a debt, I needed a big can of medical foam from them so I wouldn’t die.”

His expression didn’t change at all from that dumb smile.

“Ok. That makes sense, dude.”

I thought he’d take a little more convincing, “You believe me? We’re good?”

“Sure man, we’re good. Long as the limo has a sunroof and heaters. AC must be cranked up to max in here. I’m freezing my tits off.”

“Uh, I don’t have a limo. Like I said I’m paying off a debt. The guy gave me the job, he didn’t give me a budget. We can get a taxi, or bus, but if we’re catching the latter you might want to get your coat on.” I stretched for the bin so I could dispose of this sign I made, but as I did Axel called to me,

“Coat? Come on, this is the emerald isle, right? Can’t be that cold, how else’d all those plants grow?”

I thought to myself, either he overlooked researching his holiday spot, or this isn’t a holiday.

“Do you have a hotel? AnywheRe to stay? Don’t know if Bob set a place up but-“, he broke into another laugh, “Hey, I just thought of this, you’re interning for the internationals! That’s a little funny, man. Cause like, they aren’t actually paying you, are they.”

I tried for a laugh, I was working for the guy, sorta, and I didn’t want to get on his bad side. Though I did wonder if it was even possible to get this guy in a bad mood. He seemed aloof more than anything, his expression and mannerisms gave off that feeling. But if he’s built an enterprise and strong connections with globe spanning factions, all upon the back of some sort of super tech invention, then surely, he’s cleverer than he seems.

“Uh huh… bus stops across the road from here. We should get going.”

He gave a shruG and curved his lips further.

“Lead the way, Intern.”

I had skipped school yesterday to watch a grown man jump on a king-sized bed like a little kid.

It’s not like that’s exactly something I can affOrd to do with my failing grades. We have holidays coming up so most people don’t bother to come in anyway, the teachers tend to act according to the poor attendance.

“I thought that was you done. Not that I’d be particularly happy to see the back of you. That’s where the smell comes from.” I gave Saoirse a dejected look.

She smiled brightly. That was strange for this persona, she usually kept it toned down a little.

“What’s got you in such a good mood. Got plans for the break?” I put on a mocking voice, “Valentines?” She giggled at that, “Screw off.” She laughed for a little longer and there was a silence between us.

Mr Bio was missing, he hadn’t even bothered to check if anyone was in. He just disappeared into smoke, just like Mullet and more than half the class.

“You know, this is the second time we’ve enDed up together on a day nobody else bothered to come in.” I corrected her, “Trixie O’Neill’s in.”

She leaned in and whispered, though I doubt the general silence of in the room helped to mask what she said, “Trixie O’Neill? Girl with the pig tails? Don’t tell her I said this, but she’s worse to talk to than you, you’re borIng. She’s bitchey.” She leaned away and gave a nod at her. She probably heard, but I don’t think she cared. Her friends called her a bitch all the time, so I guess the demeaning became an inside joke. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to being called a skunk.

“Right.” I didn’t push the joke any further. Not my place.

Saoirse fidgeted for a while before admitting, “I actually do have plans for valentines…”

This I could joke about. I changed back to a mocking tone, “Ooh? What, did you finally fall for Mullet after all the Muscle flexing and dick stretching?” If she’d been drinking it would have come out her nose.

“Shut up, oh my God! Could You imagine though? If I was dating him? First order of business, he shaves the back of his head.”

I smiled and pushed further. “Yeah, that makes sense. What’s the second?”

She frowned in mock thought, “Sssssecond is we get married, third’s we get divorced, forth is I win the settlement for his houSe and the kids, and fifth…”

I butted in while she was thinking, “Damn, let him be. Guy’s a misogynist, not a criminal.”

She laid her head down on the table and crossed her arms, “Well, maybe that should be a crime. Think about all the other minor stuff people get done in for. Possession of weed… I can’t think of anymore examPles, but that shouldn’t be illegal is what I’m saying. Pussy ass shit like a doobie? Please.”

I didn’t know enough about drugs to comment, and she was probably biased on the point so I just shrugged and exhaled through my nose harshly.

Her messy hair partially covered her face, and her arm pushed the cheek that rested on it up, “Feb 14th-”

Her speech was puffed, I put my head down and mocked it, “Yeah?”

“Is my birthday. I’m having a party.”

“Thought your pArents were out of town still. How they gonna sing you happy birthday? No way they’ll miss their little girl blowing out her candles on her…”

“18th birthday. I’m a woman. A rich woman, so I’m having a kickass house party, no expense sparred.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “You got a clown? It isn’t a party without a clown.”

She smiled, “We’ll see if he can come.”

She sat back up in her seat and said aloud, “Everybody’ll be there.”

There it was. “Not me, I’ve got plans.”

She covered her mouth to hold back a grin, “SoRry, I just don’t believe that.”

I admitted the truth, “I’ve never been to a party. Don’t take it personally, but I don’t want to go.”

She pouted. “It’s your loss. Maybe you’d even meet a girl there. Plenty of people are desperate On Valentines.” She might have motioned back to Trixie O’neill.

I just told her bluntly, “I’m not interested in hooking up. I… want a relationship. And I don’t think I’d be able to tell myself from Mullet if I went about things in that way.”

The ‘class’ was over and I was getting ready to leave. “That’s just how it’s done Sam. You hook up and if there’s anything there, you go for it.”

“I might show, I might not. I won’t promise you anything.”

“I’m sorry, you want to know if I can what?” I scratched the back of my head with my free hand, still trying to understand why I was gEtting this call.

“What?? Are you deaf and stupid?? I’ll get you a friend of mine, so you just get me a man. What’s so hard to understand??”

I looked back down the stairs to check what floor I was on. “No, I heard you, just curious why anyone would ask a guy they shot in the dick to hook them up with somebody?”

A crackle came from the phone, “EEWWW!! Don’t bring up your ‘d’ when you’re talking to me, got it?? And since when do you question my methods?? Here’s a clue you might not have picked up on, I ask questions I get answers, I look for something I find it, I ask someone to hook me up, that’ll probably work out pretty great for me.”

I realised what she was getting at here. Who she was getting at, even if she didn’t know it

“No, no, screw your super powers. I’m supposed to be this guy’s body guard- or tour guide, or his target even. I’m not hooking him up with the girl whose goons have endangered innocent lives to take me out.”

She went quiet. When she finally did speak, it was in a tone I hadn’t heard from her before.

“Tay-tay’s been reprimanded for her actions. There were some issues with the change in territorial power. She’s not… used to working so closely under a superior. It’s resulted in some insubordination that was been corrected.”

There was a coldness in her voice. VerY pragmatic.

“Soooo is this guy tall? I like tall guys, but short ones aren’t bad. So long as he isn’t a mutant. You’d tell me if he was all mutated right? If he had horns you’d tell me right? Is he foreign? Is he from Spain? Is his name Alfonso? ‘Alfonso’ would sound sooo hot with an accent. And a deep voice”

I squirmed at… whatever this was. I think the juxtaposition screwed with me even more.

“Listen this guy is not your type. He’s an idiot and a code monkey. Pretty sure neither of those are good in bed. Not to mention if you guys are doing it, I’d have to wait outside so I can make sure you don’t assassinate him.”

A groan came from my brick, “Aww, well, I hope something happens that’ll change your mind. Seems reeally unlikely though…”

I bit down on my bottom lip, “I swear if yOu pull some causality rewriting shenanigans on me, I’ll-”

I’d what, beat her up? I’d already thrown a door at her. I’m already ruining her main source of income. I’ll have to think about that. How I can screw with her. Not just to get back at her, but to try and get her to stop.

I hung up on her. I was nearly at the room Mr Wright was staying at, and I didn’t want him to over hear anything from Clover that might get him interested. I’m not letting her evil plans reach fruition.

I unlocked the door and barged in, too late to hear, “NOT TO WIDE, THE LITTLE SHIT’LL GET OUT!”

Before I could process what he was saying, a small train-like machine skirted under my legs, while it let out an electronic squeal, “Reheheh, FREE, FREE!”

I looked after it in confusion for a while before the foreigner let out a shrug and sigh, “Ahhh, shit. Well, I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’ll run oUt of battery before he gets up to too much trouble. You don’t have any nuclear reactors in a six-mile radius, do you?”

I was in a dazed state so I just said. “Yeah. No, no. I don’t think so?”

He scratched at his nape, “Eh, shit.”

“You want me to go after it?”

He shook his head. “Just close the door before anymore get out.”

I’m surprised anymore didn’t get out, because there were a ton of robots in that room. There were disc shaped robots skating around the floor, one medium sized machine that was basically a box on treads, and two that were like headless dogs.

I didn’t even close the door. “There is no damn way this fit in your suitcase.”

One of the dogs, walked over to me and unfolded a four-digit arm from its stomach. And closed the door behind me.

“Uh, thank you.” I lifted my leg over the dog to make my way to its maker, it bleated out in a southern belle accent, “No problem suga’! Ahuhuhu.”

I awkwardly smiled, and made eYe contact with Axel. “Hey, I just give them a selection of voice samples. There personalities and voice are developed after I throw together their central programming.”

The dog spoke up, “We developed a lot more than that, daddy.” It twirled the tips of its appendage. I glanced back and forth between the two of them. Axel chuckled and covered, “She’s talking about coffee. She makes a mean cappuccino; I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed without it!” The canine was giddy, “You bet. I get daddy out of bed better than any other helper drone from Boston to San Fran!”

This was getting out of hand.

“Okay, speaking of stuff dad needs, Hector, get the smoke detector, I need a hit.” As the code monkey rummaged for something on the treaded carrier, a disc shaped bot skurried over to the wall with a hardy, “Sir yes sir!” and scaled the wall through some unseen method, like it was being attracted to the plaster by a magnet.

“I told you, a Gecko’d bring in some more resources. Come on, what did you expect? I’m a tech genius, remember. Just because I like to ride middle class, doesn’t mean I don’t have it made. Damn, Zimmer, you’re sure I packed some in here?”

A light on the carrier beeped up, “My most benevolent master. I have stored within my mechanical mind the exact contents for which I am prepared. There in my hold you stored the life-giving extract of my siblings and I.”

To which his creator replied, “Damn bro, I’m not seein shit.”

This piqued my interest, “How do you make a robot? What’s the ‘extract’?” He let out a pfft, “I’m a coder dumb ass. I just pull together an ai for an express purpose and it extrapolates from there. And like any good coder, I need to get into the mood. God, I’ll Really need some for the presentation. You get me a limo for that, or are we ridding in a taxi?”

I shook my head, “I didn’t suddenly grow a budget.”

“Shit man, I’m gonna be in a bad mood if I can’t get any MJ.”

I thought to myself, what the heck does MJ stand for?

“Hey, green goliath, can you run and buy me some more?”

“More what?”

“MJ!”

“I don’t know what that is!” I admitted, and he pointed to the other dog, “Sparky, synonyms for our guy in green.”

This one’s voice was degraded, scratched and heavy. “Woof. Woof. Synonyms for MJ include: Pot. Hemp. Ganja. Weed. Cannabis. Potash. –” I interrupted, “Thank you Sparky, I get the picture. Listen boss, I don’t know about Boston, but that stuff’s illegal here so-“

Shit.

“Come on bro, you’re dressed like the stuff! You gotta know where to get some.”

She was doing this.

“Axel, I’m not getting you any weed-” His enTourage booed, and Zimmer shouted “Shame” upon me.

“So you know where it is! Listen man, I can’t work without the stuff. I don’t mean just coding either, I crash man, I got no energy for this CEO multibillion tycoon stuff And you’re supposed to help me out. I’m sure the guy who hired you’d give a bonus if I made a statement about what a good job he did finding you.”

Crap. Clover might not have planned for this, but then again, I don’t think she plans most stuff.

“Ok, listen, before you make your mind up, you should know who you’re buying from, and what deal she’s probably going to make with you. And I heavily advise against taking that deal, even if it means you don’t get your stuff.”

He tilted his head, “Aight.”

“Aight!” I slapped my face.

“Hmm… you’re a little eager Mr Wright. You’re not a virgin, are you? Oh, ground rule, I don’t want you going near my ass… unless it’s to spank it.”

I slapped my other hand to my face, hiding my embarresment.

I can’t believe that in the same room I learned gods are real, and got into a super powered fight, this is happening. I’ll never see this place the same way again. That is, I’ll never see it as a drug den with a super villainess at the top. Even with the trained guards with side arms holstered eyeing my every movement.

“I’m not a virgin. That’s for sure. Though I guess I should ask, what’s the age of consent over here? I’m still playing by American rules, I don’t care, just think it’d look bad if my investors found out I was porking a minor.”

She gave a very her laugh, “Well mister billion-dollar man it’s 17, and I’m turning 18 on the 14th, so you’re fine there pal.”

“Narly.” This guy just loves the early 2000’s, doesn’t he? “Works out great for me, I get the goods, ace my presentation, I party a little on this trip, and, I get the goods.”

Please God.

“Oh yeah? But have you got the goods mister Wright?” She bit her bottom lip as she laughed.

“I’ve got the goods. Right now, I’ve got 300 tons of lead on standby. A state-of-the-art Gecko model equipped with enough fire power to level this place in five minutes, the fourth most advanced fighting algorithm on the planet, and a foot warmer. Incase it gets chilly.”

Clover narrowed her eyes and laughed again, “You know what I meant.”

He lifted his arms defensively, “Just making sure you think twice before crossing me, babe. Always a chance this deal is too good to be true.”

“Don’t worry. The real thing is better.” She thought she was being sexy with these lines, maybe it was, but it just made me want to die.

“Ok, that’s enough, Axel has to go to a very important press conference, so if you’d excuse us?” She had a shit eating grin on her face. “Call me? Rocky has my number.”

“Sure princess-” I pulled him away to the back door, a big ol’ bag of weed in my other hand.

I spoke to him on the roof. “God, you guys were taking way too long with that smut. I’m fast, but I can’t move fast enough to get us to the conference in time.” He snatched the bag out of my hand and got some paper out of his pocket. He was certainly better dressed than before. His suit was casual, though more expensive than Bob’s.

He started to roll up his joint, “Yeah man, you’re a little fast. A little tough. But here’s the thing. I always make it on time. I always get my way. I don’t need to try as hard as you, when I can make a being that’s the best at any task. Give me a few weeks of sitting on my ass, and I could make a bot, that is faster, stronger, and obviously, smarter than you. Not tryna be mean dude, but I’m an honest guy. I win by doing the least amount of work required.”

I wondered why he was telling me this. “I’ve fought tons of Powered Units, and I never even broke a sweat. You’re in debt from using a little can of cellular rebirthing foam, so you’re poor, and you were badly beaten, enough to need that stuff- You got a light?”

“No…”

“Damn,” he tapped a smart watch on his wrist. “I’m trying to tell you, that despite not thinking through this trip, despite me losing my green, and despite this being your turf, I’m still on top-” I heard the cracking of metal and roaring of engines, I covered my ears.

A giant figure around thirty feet tall on its hind legs. It had a chameleon motif with what I assume were gun barrels on its irises being the most striking part ofits design. Its limbs could probably crush a car between its three fingers. On the great cloud-grey things back, were wings quite like that on Bob’s ship, though in the place of chopper blades were glowing blue discs, and at its rear was a long tail like appendage, rounding out into a third blue disk.

Axel mouthed something, but realised I couldn’t hear him, so after a few taps on his watch, there was silence, the machine relaxing on the edge of the roof.

“You got a light Cam?” The robust construct didn’t answer verbally. It tracked its twitching eyes on me, shifting to focus on my every movement. ‘Cam’ raised a finger and it began to sizzle, filaments on the tip began to glow. “Well would you look at that.”

He quietly smoked his blunt for a few seconds before he began to laugh, “Holy hell! I just thought of something! You know, you’re kinda like Happy! The guy from iron man, not the cat. And I mean the comics, not John Favro.” He banged the chest of the imposing figure, “Guess that makes you iron man, right Cam? My real bodyguard.”

He laughed to himself for a little while, purposefully wasting time we should have spent getting where we needed to go.

This was a threat, a show of power. Obviously. It reminded me that the monster I fought was only a low ranking one, however that was decided. As he smoked, I tried to think of a way I could reply, how I could defend myself. But everything he said was true, and he was right to say it. Before we met, I thought there’d be a good chance we’d come to blows. He claimed to have fought tons of enemies, so I can understand him building his barriers a little higher and a little thicker than mine.

There was only one thing I could say to him.

“You read iron man?”

He shrugged and thumbed at Cam, “Yeah, we both do.”

“Man I loved early iron man; mandarin was really cool to. The whole futurist versus tradition aspect is a cool dynamic.”

Cam creaked.

“Yeah, the movies really kick him in the balls.” His smile faded a little as he said it.

“I know! Like, Whiplash couldn’t pull off being a main villain, did they really think Killian could do much better?”

Something brought him to laugh. He threw the remains of his joint down.

I grinned at him, “Iron man 3 was a pretty good movie overall though. We should watch it after the conference thingy.”

“Hey if we can get Cam to fit in the hotel room, sure kid.”

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