“Okay, tell me again. What did Andy say when he dismissed you?” Peggy asked Gem for what felt like the hundredth time.

“He said ‘I think I’ve reached my decision but I need to talk it over with the board’ and then dismissed me.” Gem dropped her head back against Cory’s shoulder.

Peggy chewed on her fingernails whilst continuing to watch Gem.

“That sounds positive, right? Unless he’s already decided not to accept us in which case we could always appeal the decision? Get a second opinion? Cory, what did he say to you? Did he bring up your relationship?” She asked anxiously.

“Peg! Come on, everyone is worried too. This isn't helping anyone.” Cas interrupted gently.

“Sorry! I know, I know. I just really want to be able to do this.” She looked down at the screen in her lap.

“That’s okay. I’m not too worried though. We’ll make it.” Gem said sleepily.

We’d pushed all of the beds together in Peggy, Gem and my dorm and were now sprawled out across them anxiously waiting to hear if we’d been accepted as a crew. The simulation and practice flights had gone well but I hadn’t been able to stop obsessing over them. I played them over and over in my head, trying to work out if I’d reacted well enough to everything. I think I did. We’d succeeded at all of our search and rescues, we hadn’t had any fights or done anything that would get us refused I didn’t think. Once we’d landed Andrew had called Cory and then Gem into his office and none of us could work out why. I tried to think back over how they acted during the flights but I think it was fine. They seemed professional enough? We disclosed they were in a relationship before the flights anyway. Maybe it was the way we acted towards them? I didn’t think we did anything inappropriate, everyone knew about their relationship anyway, they’d been together for years.

“I just know we’ll be fine. The practice flights went well, why wouldn’t they accept us? They always need more crews.” Gem sounded on the verge of falling asleep.

“I guess… Well, we should probably try and get some sleep. Andy did say we would find out in the morning. Should you guys go back to your dorm?” Peggy asked as she curled up, pulling the duvet high around her face.

“I think it’s okay. We’ve applied to be a crew after all, when you’re flying you often have to sleep in the same bay.” Cory answered tucking the blanket more securely around Gem.

“Yeah, but we aren’t in space yet.” Gem mumbled.

“I can go if you want?” He asked quietly, moving as if to get up.

“Don’t you dare.” She gripped his shirt tightly making us all smile.

“I guess. I heard Venus’ crew have moved in together anyway.” Peggy added.

“There’s twelve of them. I’d hate that. The bathrooms would never be free.” Cas chuckled gently.

I smiled as I looked around at who would hopefully become my crew.

“Night everyone.”

They all said it back apart from Gem who mumbled something incomprehensible.

I lay back and shut my eyes, hoping I’d be able to sleep easily tonight but I was already dreading it. Sleep never came quickly for me, it was something I envied about Gem. She would fall asleep within minutes. Peggy struggled with sleep too. She took medication for it but I don’t know how much it helped. I’d often see her awake using her screen until the early morning, reading crazy things on online message boards or scanning various planets just to see what it was like there.

She seemed to find sleep easier with all of us together though. I’d asked her about it once and she said it made her feel safe. I looked across at Cas, tracing the lines of his face with my eyes. He always looked so relaxed when he was asleep, the crease between his eyes almost disappearing.

He makes me feel safe. My mind thought without my control.

He did though. I didn’t even want to think about that. I care about him a lot but I just didn’t know what to do. It was generally seen as a bad thing for the Captain of a ship to be dating a member of their crew. We’d been taught that ever since we started training. It still happened sometimes. A lot. But it was seen as bad.

I rolled over with a quiet sigh, looking at the clock above the door. Somehow, it was already half one in the morning.

I’m not going to sleep again tonight. I thought, annoyed at myself.

I sat up, trying not to move the bed too much in case I woke one of the others, and walked over to the window at the end of the room. I sat down next to the window, resting my head against it. My eyes traced a small flickering light as it moved steadily closer.

Must be one of the older crews. Probably on their way back from a mission. I thought.

It was probably just a search and rescue. That’s all most trainee crews did. The bigger, more exciting stuff was left to the older and professional crews. We’d be doing that someday, if we actually managed to become a crew. We’d get to fly to far off, barely contacted planets and meet them, learn about their ways of life, their beliefs and help them connect with the Council. It would be so fun, Peggy would love it. We all would.

I was dumb back then. I had hope.

“Hey.” Cas whispered, standing awkwardly in front of me holding a blanket.

“Hey.”

I must have fallen asleep at some point because the clock read 3:27 and the ship was no longer in the sky.

“Sorry, did I wake you? I woke up and you weren't there.” Cas sat down next to me, wrapping the blanket around both of our shoulders.

“You did but don't worry, I don't sleep that much. I was worried I’d wake the others by rolling about too much if I stayed there any longer.” I looked back at the beds where Gem and Cory were curled up together with Peggy completely covered by blankets on the bed opposite them.

“How come you don’t sleep well?” Cas asked quietly.

“Never had. Been in the orphanage my whole life, it was safer not to.”

Cas snorted almost silently.

“I get that. I was sent to the orphanage when I was seven. You learn quickly there.”

“They manage it though.” I gestured at the beds.

“I guess. Cory takes meds for it though. I don’t think he slept more than an hour a night the whole of the first term here. He was a wreck.”

“That makes sense. Peg does too. Gem just always sleeps well. Why don’t you?”

“It scares me. What if something happens during the night and I don’t wake up? Or if someone needs me and can’t wake me?”

I nodded. I understood that too well. That’s why I’d rather not sleep but be alert.

“I used to worry about that at the orphanage too. They’d hand out sleeping pills all the time but I would never take them.”

“They did that at ours too.” I said quietly, glancing at the lumps of duvet on the bed to make sure they hadn’t stirred.

“The kids that took them were always being beaten for being slow in the morning. I didn’t want to risk that or them making me do worse on the testing and being stuck being a Guardian or something.”

One side of my mouth rose in a slight smile.

“That’s the same reason I didn’t take them. But couldn’t your dad protect you from the beatings?”

Cas sighed.

“Probably but he didn’t. The whole reason he put me in there was to prove how great this planet’s orphanages are. How could he say that whilst making sure I got special treatment?” His voice was tight with barely suppressed anger.

“But they’re horrible.”

“I know but there was a guy from Rhoms who was campaigning at the same time as him and he adopted two kids from one of their planet’s orphanages. I remember seeing them on the news, they were talking about how great it was there and how each kid gets their own room and the food was always fresh and real and the staff actually cared. So, my dad thought: how can I top this? If he could show how great this planet’s orphanages are by trusting one to raise his son, he was sure to get elected. You know, one of the few times he came to see me he told me that he gained six points in the polls because of me. He told me I’m the reason he was elected.” His fists balled and even in the low light, I could see tears shining in his eyes.

“Cas, that’s horrible.” I leant into him, resting my head on his shoulder.

I wanted to put my arms around him and hold him or something but something told me he wouldn’t appreciate it. He just wanted to keep talking. The words flowed out of his mouth and he did nothing to stop them. I had a feeling this was the first time he’d spoken about it.

“He stopped coming to see me pretty soon after he got elected. I thought once he was in then he’d take me away from that place because it’s not like he could be voted out or anything… But instead, he just stopped coming to visit me. He blocked my messages too, the whole family did. I think they’d been looking for an excuse to get rid of me. I didn’t fit in with the family. I wasn’t happy to sit by and agree with his policies for the interviews. I wanted to know if he actually was doing the right thing for people, I had an opinion. He said I asked too many questions and he didn’t like that…” He trailed off, lost in his memories.

“What about your mom?” I couldn’t help but ask.

I’d never known my parents but I’d imagined they were kind and loving. As a kid, I’d imagined they were happy together now and would come and save me from Sallis. But that never happened and from what I’d learnt from Peggy parents weren’t always like that. I wanted to have hope that some parents were good but from what I was hearing none were. Cas’ parents were and still are monsters.

He laughed but it sounded more like a sob.

“She was even more ambitious than him. She should have run for the Council, not him. He’s done nothing with his time in the Council, she would have. When he suggested over dinner that they put me in an orphanage, she didn’t argue or anything. She just said she thought it was a fine idea that would definitely give him the edge in the polls. My brother and sister agreed too. Katie didn’t know what she was agreeing too but… Jack… He said he was surprised they didn't think of that earlier.”

I said nothing, just continued to lean against him and let him talk. Goosebumps of horror rose on my skin. How could a parent do that to their kid?

“I was scared earlier, when they asked who should be Primary. I felt like I should have stepped up because it’s what my family would have wanted for me but I know that you will be better. You are better.”

The conviction in his voice made it hard for me to speak for a second.

“You’d have done good too. Plus it doesn’t matter what they think anymore, right?”

“I know. That’s why I volunteered for the Space Corps. Did you know that if you sign up you become legally emancipated from your family so they can’t even come see you without your consent?”

“I didn’t. Don’t have a family to emancipate from.” I said looking at him with half a smile.

Cas’ lips twitched slightly like he wanted to smile but couldn’t.

“That’s fair. I did it on purpose. We belong to the Space Corps from the moment we sign up. Dad was pissed about that. He wanted me to stay in the orphanage until sixteen then graduate from school and come back to them before signing up apparently. He tried to come visit me the day I left but I ran.”

“Where did you go?”

“Not far. I ran into the supply room, there was a loose window you could jimmy open and get onto the roof from there. I just hid until the bus arrived. I caught my arm on the glass on the way out but it was worth it. The bus driver patched me up anyway and then Cory fixed it once I got to the base… It sounds silly but I always felt safe up there, even though it was covered in moss and holes. It was fine as long as you knew where to step.”

I smiled.

“I know what you mean. I used to hide on the roof at my orphanage too. I’d go there when I couldn't sleep sometimes. I used to dream of flying amongst the stars.”

“Tell me more. Distract me?” Cas asked with a hint of desperation, tears still shining in his eyes.

My heart beat harder, I’d never told anyone about this even though it seemed so minor but at that moment I just wanted Cas to be happier.

“I learnt when I was seven that I could climb out of the bathroom window and get up on the ladders to the roof. It was the only place I could be by myself and I could see so much of the city from there, all the way to City Hall. And the sky was so beautiful. Our orphanage was basically on the outskirts of the city so the lights didn’t block out too much of the stars so I’d just lie out there looking at them. During the dry season, I started sneaking a couple blankets and pillows up there to sleep. It was fine, the sun always woke me up before the alarms so I never got caught… I miss it sometimes. Like don’t get me wrong, I love it here and I’d never go back but those moments of quiet where it felt almost like I was surrounded by the stars…” I trailed off, reminiscing.

Cas’ arm wrapped around my shoulders and I swallowed before continuing.

“I remember you saying you’d sneak out sometimes and imagine you were flying. I didn’t know you slept on the roof too.”

I nodded, biting my lip.

“It was perfect. I still imagine it sometimes. That we’re up there, piloting a ship. Being a real crew.”

“One day we’ll do that.” Cas promised with so much belief in his voice that I found myself agreeing.

“I hope so.”

I leant my head against Cas again, my eyes fixed on the stars but extremely aware of him. We fell quiet, no longer needing to talk, instead we watched the stars and wished we were among them.