(TW: Self-harm and mentions of suicide)

There was something comforting about repetition and familiarity.

The crashing of waves against the shores out on the beach; the sound of seagulls squawking and soaring over the water; the soft sounds of music coming from the stores that lined the beach a few streets over.

The melodic laugh Mom would make when Dad used to pick her up and spin her around to the sound of Billie Holiday; the times Athena and Jason would let me tag along with them on their trips to the pool when we were young; the smell of muffins fresh from the oven every morning at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

The quiet in my room when you know there would be nobody home for hours; the stillness of the sky, moon, and stars as you stared at them from the carpeted floor of your room; the soft voice of Edith Piaf floating into my room from the vinyl playing downstairs; the fading, fading, fading away...

The white paleness of the ceiling overhead; the low hum of the fan; the sound of water thrumming through the fixtures of a house; the cool feel of the tile against the exposed parts of my skin; the fading, fading, fading away...

And as I sit here, staring at the ceiling, listening to the music floating in from the living room downstairs, I take comfort in the familiarity. I take comfort in the fact that I've been here before, that I know what comes next.

There are no tears and there is no fear cradling my bones. All there is that's left is me and the blade in my hand and these thoughts.

I think back to Mrs. Holly, our neighbor who lived a few houses down from us. She was a widow with nobody left but her maid, Olive, and her dog, Rocky. Her husband had died a few years back from pancreatic cancer and her children had all grown up, started families of their own. I used to see her a lot by the lake that was right next to our house. She used to bring along Rocky and feed the birds that gathered by the trail.

While she quietly hummed to herself and stared off into the ripples of the lake, I was few feet from her, quietly drawing or scribbling words onto a piece of paper. I would zone out a lot, get lost in the ripples of the water just like her, thinking about then and now and everything in between.

The first time we spoke was on a Thursday. I had skipped school to write down my thoughts, compose a few poems, and sketch. She called out to me, "Read to me what you're writing, boy."

I didn't want to. I would have rather crawled into my skin or jumped into the lake then read to her what I was writing. She seemed to sense that by the way I hesitated and patted the spot on the bench next to her. As I made my way to the sat, Rocky lifted his head up from the ground and watched me. He was getting old, greying just like her.

"My husband used to write all the time when he was about your age—when we first met. Everywhere he went, he had this little notebook, a little smaller than yours and frayying at the corners. He used to write and write and write.

"Back then, I used to work at my parent's restaurant, cleaning tables, closing checks, that sort of stuff and he—" She paused, smiling softly at the memory, "He used to sit at the very back, sipping a glass of water and writing. He'd come in like clockwork every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoon.

"One time, I got so annoyed just watching him write and write. I got angry and I marched right up to him and said, What are you writing that so important? Huh?" This time, she laughed as she shook her head.

"He looked up at me with the most amused of smiles and turned his pages with such conviction and thrusted the little book in my hands. His handwriting was a mess of curves and flicks like you would see on important letters or journals. I remember thinking that I would read anything and everything if every word looked as beautiful as his words."

She let out a sigh and turned to look at me. Her eyes were green and wide and her hair was a long reddish brown, grey at the roots. Her face was lined with wrinkles and when she smiled, my heart warmed. Her nose was straight as an edge and her chin sharp, a deep contrast to the round apples of her cheeks.

Her hands shook as she folded them on her lap. The thin band of her silver ring glinted in the morning sun.

"I took a seat right across from him and swallowed up his every word. Till this day, I remember the story like I had written it myself—one of my favorite pieces of his. He had written about a French girl who had fallen in love with a Polish boy during the World War. I hadn't gotten very far in the story, but he let me read a few pages everyday after work. I'd take him back into the kitchen and we'd sit on the steps of the back door. He'd watch me read and I'd listen to the ramblings he'd make about each and every character."

Mrs. Holly didn't end up making me read my writings until a few weeks later. I think she just needed a person to talk to about all the places she's been, all the people she's met, and about the boy she had fallen in love with when she was 15.

When I did end up reading something to her, a simple haiku that I had written a few days ago, she listened like it was 1955 for her again and she was falling in love with the english language all over again.

She distracted me from the turmoil in my head from time to time.

I squeezed my eyes shut and sat up, my head spinning at the memories. I placed the thin metal on the tile floor and pressed the heel of my hands to my eyes. Breathing in and out, I found myself thinking back to Eden, guilt stabbing me in the stomach.

She thought I was okay. Everybody thought I was okay.

I sucked in a deep breath and picked myself up, staring at myself in the mirror. The lack of sleep deepened and colored the bags of my eyes. My hair was a mess of tangled curls and my eyes were bleary. My shoulders were peeling from the day we spent out in the sun yesterday and I was much tanner than when we first arrived in Greece.

When I should look like the epitome of health and happiness, I can only see a reflection of the opposite. I ran my fingers over the cuts I had pushed into my skin at the sides of my torso. They had healed, but not fully.

Now... Now, I was starting again.

I grabbed the blade from the floor and pulled off my sweatpants, leaving me in my boxers and nothing else. I climbed into the shower and turned on the water, letting it it rush out of the faucet and into the drain until it heated. Once the overhead shower was on, I let the boiling water pelt my back as I stared at the unharmed skin of my wrists. The thin blade in my hand has been everywhere but here. It has seen almost every surface of my skin, but these wrists.

I ducked my head under the water for a second and took a breath.

The rest was history.

Dawson, Leah, and I were dancing in the living room.

We had come back from a long morning on the beach. We sung, we danced, we ate, we drank until we were a giggling, blubbering mess. Now, Julia was making salad and sandwiches in the kitchen. This time, she let Jude help her, laughing at the few jokes he whispered under his breath to her.

Dawson let out a ginormous gasp as the track switched at Taylor Swift's Shake It Off started. "All of you, shut up, I'm serious. This is my lifeline."

We all giggled at him and watched as he moved to the choreography he set up in his mind. Leah and I tried our best to copy his moves, but they were just too good. We danced, song after song after song until I finally collapsed onto the stools in front of the kitchen counter.

I was sweaty and my face was read and I was just a little bit drunk. Not completely, but just enough to giggle at every little thing. Julia smiled at me as she handed me a cup of water, "Having fun?"

I nodded profusely as I swallowed my cup of water, "I wish everyday was like this."

Jude nodded along to the next song playing from the speakers Midsummer Madness by 88rising. Julia smiled wistfully as she scooped Feta Cheese into the salad. Suddenly, she looks up and frowns, "Wait, where's Atlas? I thought you said he'd be down."

I nodded, "Yeah, he said he was gonna jump in the shower to cool off for a bit."

She nodded, a small smile on her lips. She looks up at me briefly. "So, what's going on between you guys, huh? We never really talked about it."

My cheeks colored instantly and Julia barked out a laugh, "Oh my God, that's cute. You really do love him, huh?"

I ran my fingers through my hair, stealing a look away from her. She laughed at my embarrassment as I choked out a few words, "Yes, yes, I do."

Jude shuffled past Julia, his hands briefly touching the sides of her waist. Before her eyes could fully widen, he was gone. It was my turn, then, to bark out a laugh. Her eyes widened again in warning as she mouthed, "Stop! I'll kill you!"

I stifled my laugh this time, shooting her a look as I wiggled my eyebrows. "You're so childish," She whisper-yells at me.

I blow her a kiss as I move away from the kitchen counter and bound over to the balcony. The door is wide open and the music is floating past the doors and out to the beach. I stand ther, staring out at the sky and the rolling waves and the people walking on the sand, simply breathing in the moment.

I stand there for a while, leaning from foot to foot to the best of the music—slow yet summery.

Someone steps out into the balcony and then there are hands on my hips and the smell of lemon and mint and Atlas. I lean my head back and smile into him. I hold my breath as he presses his nose to my cheek and trails his lips down to my neck. As he plants a soft kiss against the soft spot of my neck, I exhale and breathe him in all over again.

I turn around in his hands and I'm facing him. He's tall and I never seem to ever wrap my mind around it. His hair is wet from his shower and curl against his forehead and behind his ears. His pink lips are pulled into a smile that turns the muscle in my chest to ooze.

"Hi," I whisper against his lips that are maybe an inch from mine. His smile widens and he presses his lips to mine. My eyes flutter close and my hands are tightening around his arms. His nose brushes mine and his lips are faintly salty and taste like saltwater taffy or tears.

His hands slowly move to my waist and he pulls me closer to him. His breath is warm against my face and I'm on the tips of my toes, trying to press myself closer than I possibly could to him.

His lips pull into a smile against my lips and then I'm smiling too. He sucks in a small breath and I press my lips against his cheek. "You okay?" I whisper softly against his skin.

He pulls away from me and holds my face in his hands. I smile up at him and his smile is the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time. He threads his fingers in my hair and presses his lips to my forehead. "I'm okay," he chuckles softly, "Are you?"

I nodded and as he pulled away, I brushed my fingers over his hair. "We leave in four days," he whispers after a stretch of silence.

I pull a smile onto my face and nod, "Yeah, back to our normal boring lives."

He lets out a small laugh as he looks away for a moment, thinking back to home. "How could my life ever be boring again after you?"

My cheeks burn red and I let out a small laugh. He kisses my forehead once more and I breathe out a sigh of relief, of happiness, of longing. August wasn't far and next thing I knew, we'd be boarding a plane and I'd rarely see him again.

The reality of it all hasn't sunk in yet.

So, I press my lips to his and whisper as many I love you's as I can; as many I love you's as I can fit into his heart before it bursts; as many I love you's as I can speak before my voice fades and there's nothing left of us two but the echoes of the I love you's we exchanged.

hi guys, i hope i was t too late with this chapter. happy fourth of july even though it's the fifth rn. hope you all have been taking care of yourself and treating yourselves well. love you all <33

the book is coming to a close so that's crazy af. i'm so excited yet so sad because i kinda don't want it to end. we're at 166K and omg i just can't believe it. it's surreal to think that people like the stuff i write lmfao. but it means so so much.

anyway, love you all. expect a chapter up by the end of the week but don't hold me to it. i'm starting a summer camp job so wish me well <3

also, i met another boy. yeah yeah ik, they usually suck, but he's so cute. some of y'all probably think i'm a hoe by now HAHAH