Chapter 21

The smell of nature reached my nose and I could feel it swarming in my head with the peacefulness it brought. Nature always brough me to relax. With that scent the first thing I became aware of, I assumed I was still out in the woods. But that wasn't the case. 

The smell of the outdoors and a new day came to me through my bedroom window, I saw upon opening my eyes. I groaned for a few reasons. The first one was kind of obvious: I was back at my house. But I also groaned because an instant pain entered me from all over my body - mostly through my head. 

As I laid there after shifting a bit, my eyes resting on the blank wall I was facing, I tried to ignore the pain in my head. And once I was able to do that, I was faced with the reality of last night. I didn't get away; I was back at the bitch's lair. That really wasn't what made me upset. It was that there was no escape either way. Even if I made it out of this town and on my own, where was the relief? 

"I don't know what to do," I heard a voice say aimed at me, surprised it wasn't my own since it's exactly what I was thinking. But it was his voice. I internally sighed. I bet heaven was having a riot at seeing I didn't succeed in getting away. God has a cruel sense of humor; but then again, so do I.

I turned over in bed, my eyes finding Luke as he sat in that same chair by my bed - the chair that was just removed a day ago since I got my freedom back. Now, it would happen all over again. Yippee. His eyes were tired. But not like they have been in the past. He was emotionally tired, mentally drained it appeared and just done with this drama. I couldn't blame the guy; so was I. That was just my life. 

My cheek resting on my pillow, I felt my hair was still in a bun and I was still in the same clothes as I was last night. Looking to him, I replied. "You don't know what to do? I'm just going to take a leap and say that it might be a good idea to get a divorce. But hey, that's just me," I said with sarcasm though my voice was dead, groggy, along with everything else it seemed. 

His eyes flickered down to the floor and he remained silent, thinking. I took that time for distraction from the pain and looked him over. His hair was slightly messier than usual but it just added to his good looks. He was wearing a grey t-shirt that was loose on him and jeans again that probably made his ass look good. None of that would matter though if his face was as broken or tired as it appeared. He was taking deep breaths and I could tell he was worried. Most likely even more stressed beyond what he already was. 

My words weren't worth answering to and he just said, "What is it you want?"

I felt myself smirk but it wasn't genuine. "Oh," I sighed. "There are too many things for you to understand. I could do without Clare being born," I said. He would never know how serious I was on that.

"If Clare wasn't born, then you never would have been born either," he said, pointing out that fact with a neutral face. 

"Exactly," I mumbled just lightly under my breath against my pillow, enough so he wouldn't hear.

"I meant what is it I can do for you? Because I'm not sure what it is you want anymore. I thought you were getting your life together. I've tried hard to help you. I got you out of a lot of shit, got you off the drugs, bought you whatever you wanted, promised you a fun summer..." he sighed, frustrated. "Plus, I offered to teach you how to drive. Yet, there will always be that one thing I can't change, won't there? The one thing that will continue to make you run away or try to."

I nodded. "I will always be insane. I will never have a good life because of that, because of my records and background. Like I said: as long as I am Albany Higgins, I won't have any future to look forward to."

He sighed. "What was your plan when you ran away then? Change your name, start over?"

I scoffed. "That's not possible. The only thing I would have been able to accomplish is getting Clare out of my life. That's why I ran. Plus, this town knows me. I'm safe wherever else I go. That is, until I apply for a job or try to make a living. Then my name will come up and they will know not to hire me. And even if I somehow had the money, it wouldn't have mattered."

He shifted forward slightly, sighing. We sat in silence for a moment and I let my thoughts wander. Like to what excuse I was sure Clare made. I also was curious as to how I got back here. Getting the blow to the head was what made me pass out last night. Clare didn't cause it or want that because after my head hit whatever that was, I was destined in that minute to become unconscious - something she did not want. She wanted me to suffer - but she also wanted me to scamper out of town and I couldn't do that while I was blacking out. The plan was ruined at that point, after I lost the ability to go forward. I remembered all that happened to that point. But what happened after I passed out? What did she do? I bet she was beyond pissed - which was okay with me. Would she have left me there? Or would she have taken me home? Hell, like I told her before, she wasn't going to be able to explain this to Luke without the truth. So really, there were a lot of things that could have happened.

I watched as Luke then stood up, pulling me out of my spiraling thoughts. He stepped closer and towered over me from where I was laying in bed. He sat down on the bed next to my legs, his beautiful eyes never leaving mine. 

"How did I get back here?" I asked him. "I'm curious to know what Clare told you."

He pursed his lips. "I would first like to hear what happened last night from you. Forget about what Clare said - or 'made up' as you believe. It doesn't matter. I just want to hear your side," he whispered, resting his hand on my knee through the bed sheets. I wasn't sure what to make of that but I was ashamed to say that it brought me some comfort somehow. 

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter," I said. "Why should it? It's obviously not true, whatever I have to say."

"Listen," he said softly. "I know that you must feel that way. And yeah, I guess I really can't believe you fully. But I didn't forget what you told me before. I will not give Clare an unfair advantage. There is your side of the story and hers. And... I know what happened in your eyes is true to you. So I would like to know."

Wouldn't hurt to just tell him anyway I guess. Closing my eyes and sighing for a second, I opened them and began to speak the words I didn't expect him to believe. "I was going to runaway. I had all my shit together and raided the fridge. But right as I was about to leave the house, Clare caught me."

His eyebrows dipped and I knew instantly that my words contradicted whatever Clare's excuse was. "She caught you before you left the house?" 

I nodded. "Yeah. But then she told me she would help me runaway. She wanted me gone just as badly as I wanted to be gone. So she said she will help and drive me to the edge of town. The only downside was that she first said she was going to pull over and beat me, to torture me like I knew she's been wanting to do. She said that after my beating, she would then take my sore and bloody ass the rest of the way to the next town. Then I would be free after that. And I agreed."

"Then would you mind explaining why your wrists are slit and why Clare's neck was cut up?" He asked, a little anger in his voice that he couldn't keep within him. I understood though why he was pissed. I was nearly positive that, according to Clare, I had some 'breakdown' and 'attacked her and tried killing her.' I didn't really care anymore what he believed. It wasn't my job to try to convince him. But he still wanted my side of the story.

"Well, I agreed. But I wasn't going to just sit there and let her do that to me - especially then since I knew it would have been worse than all those other times. I had to at least try to fight back so when she pulled off the side of the road, I had a kitchen knife ready I grabbed from earlier. So when she came at me with her knife, I fought back and was able to pin her to the ground--"

"Then you tried cutting her throat?" He asked, quickly assuming that was it. I couldn't blame him for guessing that though. There weren't too many things that could make it look otherwise. But I really wasn't trying to kill her.

"I was beyond furious and upset at her when I pinned her down with the knife at her neck. I was screaming and yelling at her as I pushed the knife a little harder. But I had no intentions of killing her then. I would want more time and to be prepared if I were to kill her so she could then suffer as much as I have." I pursed my lips as I took in his face. Luke was obviously disgusted at me and the whole situation but he at least tried to stick to what he said and not take any sides. He must also have realized what those last words implied; that I wanted to kill her. 

He kept his face blank as best as he could. He simply nodded and shifted more towards me, sliding his legs up on my bed, crossing them as he turned to directly face me from where I was laying down on the bed. His hand still rested on my leg. And I still was able to take comfort from that for some reason. Looking up into his bright eyes, I saw darkness stain them still and I felt that maybe that stain would never leave him. 

He smiled lightly after he took a deep breath, trying to stay open minded with what I was saying. "Then what?"

"Then... well, I was pretty distracted with just shoving my face in hers and screaming," I chuckled lightly under my breath. "She caught me off guard and used it to her advantage. She was able to get me off her and ended up pinning me down to the ground. But when she did, I think I hit my head on something because after that, I started to slowly move towards unconsciousness. I became weak and couldn't really fight. So then, she stared the process of torturing me. But I was only awake for when she started guiding my hands to cut my own wrists. After that, I was out - which was a relief because it meant I didn't have to endure what else she planned on doing to me." I paused, looking down at myself when I propped my upper body up slightly with my elbows. Looking down and closer at my arms, I saw that those cuts were the only thing on me. She must have stopped the start of that horrible process when she saw I passed out. It made sense that she would have wanted me up to experience it.

I looked back up at Luke and his eyes rested in mine. There was more than anger and the pressure to be open minded there this time. There was an expression that radiated worry for me and sadness. I hated that. I didn't like people thinking I was weak but I guess it was fair to say I was this time. After all, I didn't succeed in getting out of this personal hell. But then again I guess I never planned to ever leave it. It was always going to be with me.

He pursed his lips before he looked down at my hands resting on the bed at my side. He grasped the one closest to where he sat by my legs and examined the cuts there. Before he even said it, I knew what was going through his head.

"Albany," he said softly. "These are self inflicted."

I looked away from him, not so much mad as I was disappointed. At him and this whole world. At myself. "You didn't listen to what I said. But whatever," I said, not willing to fight him on it as he put my arm back to my side. I was too exhausted - of everything. And if I learned anything, it was that it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I was crazy.

He was quiet for a moment before his voice came through the air gently. "I did listen. You said that Clare guided your hand with the knife to cut yourself. But... can you see how that would be hard to believe? These cuts were inflicted by your own hands. You and I both agree on that. The only thing is that you are saying she forced you to cut yourself."

I nodded slightly. I did understand how that was hard to believe. Clare was smart this one time it seemed. She had to go behind me and at that angel, took my hands with the knife and slit my wrists. If she did that at any other angle, you would have been able to tell that the cuts were inflicted by someone else. But it was obvious that these cuts looked to have came to be from myself. "Believe what you want. I've lost faith in you believing me a while ago."

Hurt crossed his face with an intake of breath, just slightly. It attracted my eyes to observe him again. His eyebrows dipped low, eyes falling, and lips pursing. His breath increased slightly and I saw that my words really hurt him. But it was the truth.

"I'm sorry. But no matter how it may look as if I am judging you, I'm not." He scoffed. "Your explanation is strangely more realistic than Clare's." His frown deepened at that and it made my eyes grow a little. I wanted to laugh in her pathetic face. I told her she should have thought of a good excuse first! The dumb bitch.

"So what did she say happened? Or I should first ask how I got back here. Because I can easily assume it wasn't with Clare's help. You or someone else must have stumbled upon us in the woods."

He looked troubled that I said that and I realized why: because I was right. It was making my side look more credible than hers. Though he didn't take sides, he was secretly hoping that Clare was right and telling the truth rather than me for the fact that she was his wife. Now though, he was at least a little suspicious. 

He ignored those feelings at the moment and described what happened. "I woke up at around 4:00 sometime. Clare wasn't in bed so I got up to go see what she was doing. Neither of you were in the house and I noticed Clare's car was gone. I assumed you both went somewhere so I got in my car and started driving around looking. I was getting really panicked too after looking around town but finally saw her car pulled off to the side near the edge of town. That's when I found you laying unconscious and Clare over you, trying to wake you up."

Just from that, I had a good guess as to what her story was. Listening to Luke, I saw I was right as he continued. "She told me she woke up to go to the bathroom and saw that you weren't in your room. Clare told me that she was worried but didn't want to wake me since she knew I had to go to work in a few hours. So she got in her car and started driving around, looking for you. She said she found you on the edge of town and pulled over. When she got out and went to you, she said that you tried to run away. When Clare caught up to you, you attacked her... held her down and cut at her throat with a knife you had. She said she was able to push you off of her and she feared she pushed you too hard because you hit your head on something and knocked yourself out. She assumes that you cut your wrists before she found you."

I smirked. Yeah, that story was suspicious to Luke and I could see why. Looking up at a frown forming on his face, I saw that he at least knew something was off about her story. Yet my story also seemed hard to believe about the cuts. 

"Well... that sure is convincing!" I said sarcastically. "Because I am absolutely capable of walking to the edge of town - several miles away - in that amount of time." I pointed out, knowing he realized there was no way I could have walked that far that fast. I continued on, sarcasm dripping off each word. "Also, it's realistic that she would just 'happen' to come check on me when she woke to go to the bathroom. Because it's normal to go out of your way to come and randomly look into your daughter's room when your bathroom is in your bedroom. Plus, I totally understand where she is coming from. It's understandable that I would just start cutting my wrists out of nowhere - in the middle of nowhere." I scoffed, the sarcasm leaving as I spoke in just a dead voice up to him. "Not to mention she just couldn't push me off effortlessly. She pushed me off because I was distracted. If you think she can beat me physically while being fair, your wrong." That's how it always was in the past. She would hurt me and win a fight out of my fear, me making a mistake, or physically getting the upper hand. If it was fair enough, I could probably beat her.

While I was speaking, I could see it in his eyes that he already thought over all of those coincidental things I mentioned. I knew he wasn't able to find a good explanation for it either. He probably just wanted to forget it but once I said it, he knew that those were obvious and huge points that went against her story.

"Yes," he sighed. "Those are... good points that I took into consideration."

"Good points? How about a fucking explanation on how your wife lied to you. Again," I said, surprised to feel more of myself and not as upset as before. Probably because I could tell he wanted to keep defending her. It was true what I said earlier; I lost faith in him believing me some time ago. But that still didn't mean it wasn't instinct for me to try to defend my side. 

He licked his lips, shifting and trying to get comfortable once more. But with the thoughts circling his mind, I doubted he would be comfortable anytime soon. That is, unless he decided he wants to lay down next to me. Then I think that would be very acceptable and comfortable.

"I don't know what to think. I am not picking a side and honestly, I just want to forget about it. I don't want to feel torn like this," he said and I tried keeping my eyes a normal size and my mouth closed from wanting to drop open. This was... different. He was already becoming more open with me. But now, he seemed as if he were willing to confess a few things. Like his feelings - his true feelings. 

"So," he said, taking a deep breath. "Getting over the past night, we need to confront the future."

My head still resting on my pillow, I shifted slightly myself, turning slightly to my side and stretching as I smirked. For some reason, I was feeling better. "Could you have said that in an anymore nerdy way?"

I saw he didn't really react to that though. His eyes were somewhat pleading, or rather, just asking for understanding and compromise. Ignoring what I said, he went on. "What are we going to do? Or rather what am I going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you want? Like I said before, I tried everything and will continue to. But you still ran and said you won't stop because nothing will ever get better for you."

"Yeah, I'm insane. I'm going to run. Either way, even if you somehow manage to keep me here, the minute I am 18, you will never see me again. Nothing personal; there is just nothing for me here and nothing would keep me here. There isn't anything you can do."

"I think there is," he said after a minute of thinking.

"Dude," I groaned, now fully up after all we said between the two of us. Such a long talk for so early in the morning. I sat up from where I was laying and moved myself back until I was resting against my headboard, my outstretched legs still by him. "Sometimes, you are as dumb as Clare."

He ignored that, thinking whatever he had in mind was an exception. "I can get you a job, give you an opportunity for a new future."