Zairi

I did what I was best at.

I blocked it all out.

Nothing could touch me in this safe place inside.

I got up from the chair and marched out the room as gracefully as I could,not heeding Sekra's call for me to come back.

I walked and walked into the forest crossing the boundary that had always stopped me earlier.There was no fear anymore.Nothing jarred me. I wouldn't let it.

I kept on wading in the woods.No longer caring.

My eyes didn't see anything.My ears didn't hear anything.My mind didn't think anything. My body didn't feel anything.But it was necessary I kept on walking. I didn't stop because if I stopped everything would come back and I won't be able to breath.

Nothing made sense and numb was not the right word to describe my state.

I ventured further.

Looking for any shelter that could hide from this world.Hide me from myself.

I walked until I couldn't anymore.Until the sky darkened.Until it was getting difficult to breath.

I collapsed against the big tree I stumbled upon.

And even then I didn't let any thought enter the blank paradise that I had created inside .

I kept the shields on.Making all my efforts to keep them from giving any leeway.Not allowing those wayward thoughts any entrance.

I took huge gulps of air and my guard lowered a bit.And just like that everything flooded inside back with such a rush that I felt dizzy for a moment.

As clearly as they could ,one by one they started accumulating and forming the horrid picture I was running from.Now the escape route was blocked by them.I didn't knew where to run anymore.So I stood there and stayed still.

A laugh erupted from inside and I started chuckling.Laughing crazily.

And I laughed and laughed and laughed.Because crying was never an option.I wasn't given that right.

Funny how my life was turning.Hilarious.I couldn't stop my chuckles.

Apparently my mate wasn't my mate.And my Ma wasn't my Ma.

Tomorrow for sure a huge secret would be revealed and I'll lose my identity. Even I won't be what I think I am.

And that last thought resulted in a cackle so loud that it was the only sound I could hear despite the night sounds of crickets and animals.My giggles and chuckles didn't subside for a long time.I was losing my mind.I was going mad.

Now I'll be labelled as the Mad witch.

I chortled at this.

Amusing.That's what my life had reduced to.

I sighed as the amusement faded away and I was left with the brutal reality.

Now time to face it.

Nothing could have prepared me for the bomb that exploded my life. My body had thought it necessary to give me sometime off.Life crushed me time and again.But I hung on.I won't let go of that rope called Hope.I'll survive this.Time to cry and rage and curse was all over.Now it was imperative that I don't cower.Don't hide behind.

So I let them all enter and went over everything again.

Really thought about it.

Ma.Trina. Granna.

So she wasn't the one who gave birth to me.It was her sister.Trina.My real mother who died giving me life.And Granna was a part of it all.

I couldn't question my real mother's sacrifice.I couldn't degrade Ma for my upbringing as well.And I couldn't fault Granna for hiding the truth .

So what was left.?

What could I do.?

Every one did what they had to.Fulfilling promises and responsibilities.

Knowing the truth did open my closed eyes to truth but it didn't change how I felt.Knowing that Ma hid something this vital from me, hurt.I trusted her completely.I still do.I understand her reasons but it still left a bitter taste in it's wake.

What was done was done.I can't keep it with me forever.It will decay, taking me along.So either I could let the wound fester and erode or I could put a band-aid over it and give it take time to heal.

I chose the second.

Life didn't wait and it won't for me so I have to just get going with the flow or else I'll be left so far behind that it will take me forever to find my way again.As it is,life is short,I cannot waste it by throwing tantrums and hating everyone,holding grudges against them.Anger would help sustain this thirst inside for only so long.And what when it dims and fades away..?

What support will I cling to then..?

Pity.Sadness.Grief.Revenge.

No.That will never help.

Everything happens for a reason.We never saw the bigger picture but just this time I'll wait for that picture to be revealed.I'll let time heal my wounds.

Forgiveness is the biggest honor one could impart on some one else.And maybe both Ma and Granna are the top ones on my list for that gift.

I still held the same love for Ma.My respect for Granna wouldn't be any different now that I knew the past.And Trina,my real mother..I won't let her sacrifice go to waste.I won't just let her stay in the past anymore.I'll make her a part of my life now.She deserves my love and respect as much as my Ma.She is entitled to the title of being My Other Ma.

It was still all new.It will take time to forge that bond with someone who doesn't exists anymore.Ma would definitely help if I don't ask.And I didn't need anyone else.She was enough.

Finally decided and determined I got up and walked back the way I came .I can't keep on sitting here any more.

I had so much to do.So many wrongs to right.

Ma must be out of her mind worrying about me.I made my way back home hurriedly.Steps turned to full out run.Every emotion washed away.My mind cleared.And I could think clearly.Look at things from other perspective.I couldn't change the past but I could change my present and the future.And I won't waste it away by begrudging the people I loved most in this world.So what if the real life had chucked me upside down.I could still stand and make my way to the loved ones who waited for me patiently.Their presence alone in my life,knowing what waited me gave me courage to dust off and walk ahead never looking back.That's what matters.

I smiled realizing how lucky I am actually.Many people weren't given the privilege of having one mother and here I had two of them who held unconditional love for me.

I saw my house looming in the distance and tried covering it as soon as possible.

Before I even reached the entrance.The doors opened and Ma rushed out.Her face filled with tears that kept on running down her cheeks.She didn't stop in her stride.Not waiting for me to say a word she hugged me to herself tightly.

"Don't you dare think about leaving me.I'll tie you to bed of I have to.But I won't let you leave."

I kept the most serious expression on my face not letting her see my amused expression.As suddenly as she had gripped me she let me go and shook me."Where did you go..?Do you even know how worried I was..?What if something had happened to you..?Do you see the time..?Just because I gave you some time to cool off doesn't mean you'll just vanish for this long.It has turned dark Zairi. Don't you dare disappear like that again..?You can't.. "

Ma stopped in her charade as I smiled.

"What.?Why are you smiling like that..?"

I smiled wider as I took her hands away from my shoulders and wrapped them in mine.Her warmth transferred itself to me and I was okay.I am fine now."I love you Ma."

The tears which had stopped in her anger ,started again."I am sorry I didn't tell it all to you sooner.But I didn't want you to go away.You mean so much to me Zairi. More than you can think.And I won't ever apologize for raising you as my own.Trina gave birth to you but you are my daughter now.No one can change that."

"How could you even think I'll leave you.You are the only home I know, Ma.I am lucky to be the only one to have two mothers who love me so much.And you never need to apologize for that.I love you both.And I would like to know more about my Ma Trina as well,if it's okay with you."

"Nothing would make me happier than that Zairi. I'll reacquaint Trina to you.Your other Ma."Ma gazed softly at me.And I reciprocated that warmth.

I was at peace at last.

After the bitter truth,the taste of love was much sweeter.