Chapter 11.

Vanilla by Holly Humberstone

We walked through the city in broad daylight, and Harry held my hand throughout it all. There were pictures. And there were videos. And there were people not minding their business. But it was fine with me.

I hoped Harry wasn't minding it either, at least they weren't crowding around us most of the time. I'm not sure how I would react to that, if I'm honest.

He didn't seem to care at all actually. That helped me. We took a couple trains to a couple different places, not ever exactly knowing where or what they were. He kept asking me if I was comfortable, a couple times catching me off guard.

(tried drawing on the rings, meh. lol)

"Your hair looks pretty today." He said as we walked back across town towards Anna's café. I left it down and natural today. I gushed, "Thank you, Harry." My rings clinked against his at times, which I found funny for some reason. "I like your H ring." I touched it with my open hand.

"Thank you! It's Gucci." I immediately stopped touching it, looking shocked. I probably should have guessed that. They looked crazy expensive of course, but I think that I forgot that most of the time even his plain t-shirts are hundreds of dollars. He laughed at me and I pulled on his arm, succumbing to little giggles as well.

"Hey let's go back home, ok? After we grab pastries from Anna's, obviously." He grabbed my one hand with both of his and I answered, "of course" without even thinking about it. We'd been out all morning and then some, so going back was probably a sensible idea. I just wondered why he was so insistent. "My house?" I asked, he nodded.

"Harry!" Anna leaped out of her seat as we arrived. Typical Anna, I was pretty sure she loved him more. More than who? The answer was unknown by me.

"Darby, what could I get you on your day off." She smiled and went straight behind the counter. "Anna, do you ever take a break?" I noticed that Harry let go of my hand, he seemed to be unfocused, looking off in different directions. I turned back to Anna, shaking her head with a smile on her face. "Don't need a break when it's what I love." She sang.

Harry came back to it. "I'll have the um," He made a deciding face, "The lemon custard tart. Yes, that one. I think she'll have the same thing, am I right?" He raised his eyebrows at me with a cheeky smile. I nodded to Anna, mirroring his grin. She gave us a devious all-knowing smile in return and went to get the freshest lemon pastries. Harry set much too many euros on the counter as we left to sit down.

It was a little bit quiet at first, which was so odd that it pushed me to ask about it. "How are you feeling, H." I wanted an honest answer so badly, typically when you ask someone that question they give a simple 'Good'.

"A little on edge, honestly. Just because of them." He nodded towards the door, an atypical amount of people crowding a bit around it. I turned around and took a deep breath seeing it. I was being strong for him, I reminded myself. He needs a break from them. I am his break and his breath.

"Do you want to switch seats?" I asked only because he was facing directly towards them whilst my back was turned. "Can we go to the back?" He asked, I was shocked at his ability to keep his demeanor under so much control.

"Absolutely." I playfully grabbed his hand and he followed me to Anna's back room, the kitchen. She met us there with two lemon custard tarts. We thanked her and sat on the floor. He giggled.

"I want us to communicate. It's a mistake that way too many people make and I know I'm not the best at it by all means but-" I said, trying to be lighthearted as much as I needed him to know that I meant it. It was odd talking about something not at all defined, our relationship that is. He understood though. I laid my head back on the wall. "How are you feeling, Darby? About us as well as on your own."

What a question. I had absolutely no idea. I was certain of almost nothing going on in my life at the moment. I was used to not being certain, it's been that way my whole life, but it continued to eat at me. "I haven't been very focused lately. On myself or my writing or anything. It's fine though." He shook his head slowly at me. "I promise I'll get back into it, alright?" I smiled to lighten the mood.

"And us?" I took a break to think a bit more, no thoughts appeared. He waited in silence for them, but they weren't there. "I think I'd have to ask you the same." I shook my head. "You confuse me, Darby." He laughed.

"As do you, Harry."

"Just tell me. How you feel. About me... and then I'll shut up."

I stayed quiet, listening to the little dings that the door made everytime someone entered. I stood up, brushed off my pants. His hand found mine and I tried to pull him up to stand, he did most of the work.

I grinned, "So you're not going to tell me?" He asked. I shook my head as we went to leave. "I guess I'll never shut up, then." He sarcastically threatened.

"Good." I giggled, pulling him out the door. We were greeted once more by cameras, people just wanting our time for their money. But this time we ran. We ran for dear life, out of breath mostly from laughing way too hard. "They don't bother you, Darby?" He laughed as we ducked around a corner that led to the opposite end of my street. "Not one bit because of you."

Sweet Creature by Harry Styles

"We're running through the garden, oh, where nothing bothered us." Harry plucked his guitar softly. I was in the kitchen, grabbing a couple of little snacks. I made my way back to him with my hands full, and he got to a point the song that wasn't finished yet, I guessed. "But we're still young—" He mumbled a bit.

I'd never heard it before, I wasn't sure if that was because it was unreleased or not. Probably the prior if he was so confused about the lyrics to his own song. He got all shy when I showed up.

"That song is so comforting, H. It's pretty." I let everything in my arms fall onto the couch, and he set the guitar down softly to grab a couple oreos. "I can't seem to finish it." He said, stuffing 2 entire oreos in his mouth.

I laughed at him, moving the oreos away from him and sitting down close.

"I could always help you. I don't consider myself a poet, but I don't really consider myself as anything—" He picked the guitar back up, and smiled a comforted smile.

"These are the last lyrics I have," He took a breath and started to sing in a low register. He voice was bristly and rough, but his words and tone were as smoothed down as rocks in running water for eons and eons.

He was good. Idyllically good. And I think he had the most beautiful childlike unawareness of it. I hadn't heard his voice anywhere near enough in the time I'd known him. And I was certain that I could never reach the point of hearing enough until the day he broke me into pieces. But even then it would be sickeningly sweet. And it would ache every hour until it was engraved inside of my bones where no one could reach.

"Sweet Creature, We're running through the garden, oh, where nothing bothered us. But we're still young... I always think about you. And how we don't speak enough. Oh, we started two hearts with no home. I know, it's hard to open, and I struggle to cope." He stopped singing but continued to play. It sounded like he had no chorus put together yet.

I spoke softly, not taking the time to process my words before putting them out there. "Sweet Creature... wherever I go, you bring me home. When I run out of road, um," "That's perfect." He said, adding repetitive sweet creatures in between my lyrics. "You bring me home." He said, instantly proud and glistening with a smile on his lips that reflected in his eyes.

"Come up with something on the spot, I dare you. Just something you would write. Your thoughts. You seem to always just spill the words effortlessly, that's something a songwriter literally dreams of." He laid his head on the guitar facing towards me, it was adorable.

Cherry Wine (Live) by Hozier

"You genuinely want me to, huh." I laughed. "I genuinely do, yeah."

I brought myself closer to him and took a deep breath, not really thinking about anything but what was in front of me. Strands of his hair flopped down in single curls that hung over his eyes. And he smiled at the silence like I had just given him butterflies as if there wasn't one already on his chest. And I took conscious breaths as his eyelids fluttered and I sat and I watched.

"On the spot? Completely new?" I whispered, making sure. He nodded.

"Oh, um. My favorite word is ethereal." I begun.

"I feel like you should know that now. And it's because I think there are these times that come around when we're not asking for them. And you always know exactly when it happens that it is one of those moments. They are always connected to music for me, in the way that I connect Fine Line to watching tiny stars with lingering smells of roses in the distance." He watched like I was his center, and I stood up, spinning around softly to emphasize my point. I thought about this all the time, but this was not one of the times that I was thinking. I was skipping straight to saying.

"It's all too peaceful to allow doubt and it's much too lovely for the disgust of anxiety to enter. That's why it's the closest we can be to absolute serenity. That's why I feel so drawn to it, I think." I was stuck in my little realm of fascination at this point. The only place I felt I could go a lot of the time.

"We ask for things so constantly that they become redundant. We don't get what we want almost ever. Things only are allowed grace when we aren't expecting, right? All I asked in coming here was inspiration. And now," I guestered towards him. "And now I have you. So I guess this time was the merciful exception.

"So why was I, of all those truly deserving of distinct answers to their askings, awarded with such a satisfying reward." I rubbed my own tired eyes with my palms.

"And I'll strive to be the rising sun until the end of my days, but I feel only equipped with the lonely nature of the stars and the burning light of the sun."

"But I see you as the stars and the sun. Even I cannot explain that, it just so happens that you radiate comfort and warmth all in one breathtaking moment."

He giggled as though he wanted to speak, but I smiled and impulsively leaned down to set my lips next to his. All I had in me was to smile, and to leave him sitting on my own couch as I walked away. He let himself fall backwards with his eyes closed.

I came back from placing leftovers in the kitchen, sneaking up behind him and running my fingers through his hair. I flopped over the back of the couch as well, still unable to separate the grin from my cheeks.

"You know I- I adore you, Darby."

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