day 21- in the resting room

It was hard to cross the first layer, there were times i thought it would be much difficult even to cross the 5000 limits, through this trial I have learned, usage of brain power is as important muscle memory; to not depend on one own brain would be foolishness, and it could later cost me heavy price.

The first trial was nothing much but 10 patterns. Its importance lies in finding these patterns and how to overcome them.

They were not highly complex patterns but repeatable, 1,2,1 patterns, but the speed and the sheer quantity of attacks makes them a troublesome adversity.

I am tired, actually to repeat the same pattern again and again, i cant find anything to change my perspective, if I was little harder on myself I could have made better decisons on my first turn only, I am like a dumb baffalo, who doent know the danger it is surrounded itself in, when it is grazing alone.

I tried to remember my mistakes, but it never comes to rescue in my harder times, only the old habits remain. I feel sad I could not be hard on myself when the time required to be, I remained in my own fantasy, living in the dream world not seeing the reality. When time passes by I could only limit on my past, what if I had taken a major decision when I was young, what if I could have focused on myself rather than others, there are regrets to count, and only regrets comes to my memories, Why is that happiness remains fresh as regrets, I don't understand the human mind at all, I assume this world is where everything is in balance, therefore should my mind also remember some happy memories, why can't I remember any when I need to.

Maybe ordinary memories are happy memories, but sometimes I wish I could have some spontaneous happy memories too. It's been years since I could have a hearty laugh without the weight on my shoulders. Is life just a tragedy, where there is more sadness, as compared to happiness?.

It is kind of lamentable where only success is counted not its journey, if n objective succeeds then there is meaning, and if not all that hard work goes to waste, yes there is valuable experience , which could be more valuable than the success depending upon the circumstances, but if i could get a reward for failures too, maybe there could be a form of satisfaction.

'Mirage, when I tried to imah\gine some fun things, nothing came into my mind'

'I only see my work and nothing more, is it alright?'

'Yes, for now'

'hm'

'Mirage, is the environment really a necessity for success?'

'no, but it is necessity for your peace of mind'

'ah, I see'

'I always think for success only will is necessary, I never considered environment to be an affecting factor, I think if my self control is top notch I could influence my decisions to the positive directions even if the majority of factors is going against me'

'here I feel, environment does truly affect me'

Now a piece of bread brings me happiness, but no matter how I try to appreciate small things, the things that are going to happen, if I don't work hard, make my mood sour.

Aish, no matter what there are number things to look forward to, and the present thing is look forward to the next trial, while the feeling of not knowing the number of trials is unpleasant I have to say it is also wonderful, as the feeling of passing a layer is sweet as honey, since I have felt after crossing the first layer, I want to cross the second layer even more so.

Standing on the round colored ash platform again I waited for the next round of attacks, the same mud colored mud balls attacked me again, I wondered whether there is any change in the pattern but it is not the time to do so, i focused on dodging these attacks, with the minimum amount of effort I need to do, since I am determined to complete this trial in the first round only. The greatest advantage of determination, it adds power to the tired body and the greatest disadvantage is if one fails trying to do the task, and one wants to do the same task again, it requires more energy.

[number of mud balls:100]

Now I can determine the pattern is same, but the speed of the mud ball is 1.5x times faster, it is not that fast and I could easily dodge these attacks, iof it remains the same I believe I could complete the trail with much wease, with much greater expenditure of energy, The pattern is also the same I have complete confidence in crossing this trial.

[number of mud balls:5000]

Alas! everything never remains the same, it is unfortunate that the whole rhythm of my body broke, as a new pattern is added again, I am utilizing t\all my focus in analyzing the pattern, and I could discernibly identify it is not too complex.

I refocused my attention on my legs and slightly moved to bareilly distance myself from the mud ball attacks, and it worked.

[number of balls:10,000]

[trial:success]

It is difficult to be determined, and to believe in myself, but rather than having self doubt I would silently move forward my path even if there is no one to support me, as Ihave come alone and maybe I will go alone.

It is necessity to remain in the game rather than how I have performed it, if succeed even if it is not ,uch a flying color but to succeed by exceeding my limit, I believe I have further taken myself towards a successful life, it is very difficult to follow my own commitment to myself but the day I can do what my mind, my heart and guts says, is the day I believe I have really solidified one of the key for m y foundation, and I pray to GOD to give me the strength to do so.

I am always afraid to ask The Supreme, since I am afraid of the pain it will cause me to grow. I wonder if GOD has a painless way for me to grow...I wonder or is it my wishful thinking?, I wonder..