I woke up after a good long night of sleep with no back pain or kinks in my neck. Being used to sleeping in a moderately firm RV bed I felt completely at peace with the world after sleeping in such a luxurious and spacious setup.

Lela was sitting in the recliner with her robot eyes closed. I didn't want to wake her up so I stood up and had my normal morning glass of Gatorade. I remembered it being yellow at dinner and I was pretty thankful for the variety. Yellow was not my favorite so orange was a great step in the right direction.

Still feeling satiated from the large dinner the night before I took the hard tack out of my inventory and nibbled on it. It was salty and chalky but filling. I tried to make a plan for the morning and couldn't really come up with any good ideas. I'd just do what was natural, dive in the dungeon and survive. Find food, kill a monster, locate a boss, and maybe even save a damsel!

I picked up the trusty homemade shield and packed it away in my inventory. Then I had a stroke of genius and unpacked my backpack and packed that all in my inventory as well. Jeesh not having to physically carry around that heavy pack was going to be a back saver.

Pulling out the new STOP! shield I gave it a look. It looked like a regular octagon stop sign with an attached metal handle on the back and a leather strap with a silver buckle to secure it to my arm. It was significantly more comfortable than my self made shield. I then dawned my nice new clean safety vest. The surge in power with my new items was noticeable enough that I got up and jumped a few times. My head almost hit the ceiling of my hotel like room but I landed easily in my padded boots.

Thinking of that I pulled off my boots. I was very tired to have slept my boots the night before. I remembered my Morning Inspection Spell and cast it on my boots. The puncture marks where the goblin had attempted to bite my ankle mended together and all the scuffs and wear of the summers use went away. They looked, and smelled, like brand new boots.

Getting my boots back on I noticed Lela was awake so I grabbed my trusty safety spear and we headed out the door to see what adventures were in store for us today.

After walking for a bit I encountered another dungeon. This time the passageway looked like an entrance into a 16th century gothic church with long high archways with elaborate tracery and vibrant stained glass windows. Light was pouring in from all sides and the colored windows cast varying brilliant colors on the path. Then I noticed the light on the ground did forum different images. The first was of two basic robed figures holding up a bucker over a well, the next of an old lady sitting in a rocking chair, and the last of a hunched figure standing on top of a tall tower.

Assuming these were preludes for the dungeon I asked Lela what she thought. Lela calmly said “Might as well Pat. You had no issue with the dungeon yesterday and this is the quickest way to XP and food”. With my main lady's consent I figured nothing could go wrong. I cautiously proceed into the colorful and overwhelming light under the gothic architecture that extended well past the door to the dungeon. Being so over confident I didn’t even consider to stop and put up an airlock or safety tape blocking anything that could follow.

Something felt wrong when I was halfway through the lighted passage and I spun around and narrowly got my STOP! Shield in the way of a small dark bony figure in a billowing robe came darting in from the shadows created beyond the bright light cascading in from the windows. The thing couldn’t have been larger than 2’ tall and the small ghoulish hand darted forward around my shield and swiped at my face.

The tiny thing was holding onto my shield so I swung the shield down as hard as I could and the small figure crashed to the ground. I kicked out at it but it scurried away. As it was scrambling back into the darkness it spoke out in a surprisingly deep voice that rasped like a chain smoker. “Ohhh the master will eat well tonight. Come. Come. This ignorant husk is nothing for us”. The sound in the chamber echoed and the bright lights in my face were very disorienting. The sound reverberated back in an unnatural way that made it seem like the small frail creature was moving around me while speaking.

Making a split second decision I darted the opposite way from where I slung the creature off. I darted through the bright light and into a more dim section of passage. From the shadows I could look around and see more of my surroundings now that I wasn’t being blinded. My retina's were still undiluted considering I had walked in the bright light for so long but I did notice the walls of the passageway had slowly opened up as I walked along. Now the passage was about 10’ wider on either side and both sides seemed to have some unnatural inky darkness separating them from the light.

As I had this revelation a clawed hand appeared out of nowhere and sliced along the back of my ankle. Knowing I would be way too slow to strike I followed the movement and held out my hand. I cast my Fire Suppression spell in a wide arch. I heard the torrent of fire suppression foam strike into the small creature and bowl it over. I took two pained steps and jabbed down as hard as I could with my spear. The spear struck true and pinned the small devil to the ground by stabbing it through the creatures lower abdomen and sticking firmly into the stone.

I started to ask the creature who its master was and what it meant by “ignorant husk”. I was more than willing to spare its life but it had other ideas. Quick as a whip the deformed left hand shot across its own throat slitting it to the bone. I would get no answers from this devil, because now I could tell it was certainly a tiny devil with red skin and two horns poking out from the dark shroud it hit behind.

The dying light in the creature's eyes seemed mocking as it choked in its own thick black blood.

Everything felt off. My calf was stinging but slowly putting pressure on it revealed the wound inflicted earlier had healed. My sock on that foot was wet with blood and the orthopedic insole not only was wet, but soaked. Putting more pressure on that foot squirted blood out of the insole and into the padding of my boot. It was sickeningly wrong and that realization sent my head spinning. I leaned up against the wall of the august dungeon pathway. Beginning to think again I set up a quick airlock in the passage and sat down against the wall.

What had gotten into me? I am a 62 year old overweight man. My gray hairs have gray hairs and those hairs have Arthritis. My increased stats have me moving like a collegiate basketball player regardless of my sizable girth but I am no young adult. I didn’t survive yesterday from strength and speed but with gumption.

Sitting down I also realized Lela didn’t remind me of this fact like she promised she would yesterday. She didn’t beep or buzz or warn me. Was she absent minded or set against me? This dungeon was over the top and ornate where the one yesterday was plane and low budget. Was this change based on what my opinion on the dungeon was? Am I really stuck here in a dungeon searching for food like a raccoon in a trailer park on a Sunday afternoon? Is this heaven or hell?

So many questions flooded my mind and I knew I was getting nowhere. While I am not happy and I became aware of holes in my personality; I can’t just stop. A guy does have to eat to have these philosophical debates.

I didn’t have to inspect my leg to know it was healed completely but I inspected the leg anyway. It didn’t even have a scar and if it wasn’t for the gash in my pants legs I wouldn’t have been able to tell which leg was even hit. That was a good thing but also probably a bad thing. If I could heal so quickly after dumping so few stats into constitution how would the monsters heal and behave considering the dungeon seemed to be set up as specific challenges for me directly.

That thought process was scary in ways a devil would never be. Challenges and gruesome monsters I could handle apparently. Introspection and contemplation challenged me on another level. If I didn’t like where this whole dungeon thing ended could I do the same? Could I kill myself? If not, would I be compelled?

I wasn’t a devout man but I did believe. I believed one day I would rejoin my loved ones in heaven but could a just god like I was taught about allow this kind of hell?

I stopped my mind from thinking down that train of thoughts. I couldn’t solve or even handle revelations of that nature and I couldn’t let myself get sucked down into the dark blanket of depression. Not now. Maybe not ever. Besides I was an adventurer, it was a solo life.

I got up and examined the passageway. The three murals painted in light were still on the floor. Looking back up the passage I realized why I was still standing in the light passage. The pictures looking so complete and close was a trick of the light and angles as I had been fairly quickly walking down a slope and the passage gradually widened while I was blinded walking in the light. The pictures were pretty large. Standing in the darkness and looking from one side to the other I realized I could see unnaturally far in the dark. It had to be my dark vision.

I passed under the safety tape and traveled slowly and ponderously deeper into the dungeon. Passing the last beautiful painting like light portrait I walked through another archway into a large circular room with 3 doors. Each door had an obvious alignment with the previous hallway. The obvious takeaway is to open the doors and solve their challenges in the order presented in the hallway. That would mean the door with two figures first, then the door of the old lady and cabin, and then finally the door surrounded by hunched winged figures.

Walking up to the door with two figures charged into the surface I looked at the artwork. It showed two figures mirroring each other split by a line down the middle. It seemed like an obvious mirror puzzle room. The next door of the old lady had a quaint countryside cabin carved into the dark wood. It was immaculate in detail and even though it was a mono tone door I could clearly imagine the scene in any beautiful Bob Ross style painting. Possibly a rest-room? Seemed too easy. The third door didn’t have anything special but was a thick slate stone archway with a large thick sturdy door with thick iron furniture. A knocker ring sat in the middle and too both sides of the door were small mini gargoyles.

That seemed like the boss room for sure. Before proceeding I taped off the doorway into the circular room and the doorways to each area. Then I looped the two gargoyles in tape and pulled them off their pillar and sent them crashing to the ground. I didn’t know if I would wake anything up or cause any later issues by breaking the statues but these stupid things were not going to wake up and attack me if they were in nine thousand pieces.

Heading back to the first logical door I stepped into a room with blank walls on 3 sides and a mirror on the far wall. A copy of myself stood in the far mirror holding a bucket. Stepping into the room and looking around there was nothing on my side of the room. It was completely blank but in the mirror there was a well and an impoverished kid in dirty rags collapsed in a corner. My reflection followed my movements holding the bucket. The solution seemed pretty easy. Pantomime getting water from the well and trying to save the kid. I assume some sort of washing or giving the kid water. It seems like the only thing to do.

I went through the movements but when I kneeled down by the kid to force my mirror image to help him, the kid jumped straight up and rushed at me from the mirror. When he hit the boundary that was the mirror he crashed through in a cacophony of shattered glass.

By this time I was already on my feet with STOP! Shield out front and spear at the ready pointing at the kid. Apparently my quick actions were pointless as the kid ran straight into my spear and came to a rest about a third up the shaft when his momentum came to an end and feet dangling in the air.

The kid smiled at me before going limp. Some blood dripped out of his mouth and onto the floor. The kid didn’t look like a devil or a fiend. Just a starving kid with skeleton like body and skin taught from extended time without eating.

I hoped this was a creation of the dungeon and not a real kid.

“Awwwwww… You failed a puzzle room. You will receive 10% less loot and further rooms will be 20% harder from this point out. At least you’re alive still”

the popup showed in my mind. I was pissed. This seemed like a bullshit puzzle. What the hell was I supposed to do to save the kid? I then realized I was holding up a 60 ish pound dead kid on the end of a spear. I tried to shake the kid off my spear but it couldn’t be so easy. I hauled back and push kicked the kid off the spear and his body flew off and tumbled across the room.

I decided then that I didn’t care what Lela or anyone else said, the kid had to be a monster and I was not going to dwell on it. I walked back to the circular room and steeled myself. I opened the beautifully carved door and stepped in.

I appeared in a forest meadow. All thoughts of dungeons and self loathing were set aside immediately. It was a picturesque scene. A narrow walking path of barren dirt gradually curved up a gentle slope of underbrush and moss. The path budded up to the porch on a small humble log cabin. The cabin had a short stout chimney with smoke coming out of the top. The pitch on the roof was steep and the cabin only had one floor, one door, and one window.

My feet started slowly moving up the path. In my right hand I held a dead rabbit and my left held the bow that was used to harvest the animal. We were going to be eating well tonight. Approaching the door I shouted out “Honey I am home!” and my wife came from behind the cabin with a basket full of ground tubers and green onions. My wife didn’t say anything. Gently approaching and taking the rabbit from me. She walked inside and to the fire. She used a small bucket of water and horse hair brush to gently clean the tubers and onions before using a long sharp flaying knife to cut up the vegetables and putting them in the pot.

She gently placed the rabbit in a skillet next to the large cast iron pot and then turned back to me. She walked over and gently hugged me. Speaking softly she said “Pat I am so glad you returned. I was so lonely without you”. I let my bow fall to the ground and embraced her again. I told her to “Not be so dramatic I was just checking the traps for dinner” and that “She knows I would never leave her”. She told me to sit down and so I did. A Happy wife means a Happy life after all.

Thinking of that again and looking at my beautiful young wife I thought something was amiss. Something was tickling the back of my mind but it had been such a long day and I was quite tired. I exclaimed and stood up quickly. “Darling you didn’t let me skin the rabbit before putting it on the skillet”. That was such a silly mistake to make and now the room was filled with a horrendous scent of burning hair. I reached over and grabbed the cast iron skillet and carried it outside. Quickly grabbing a bucket of water I doused the burning fur and then picked out the singed rabbit. Grabbing my knife from my side I sat out to quickly skin and gut the bunny.

A quick light stab near the upper back of the rabbit. I just wanted a hole in the skin large enough to fit two fingers from each hand in. I stuck my fingers in and firmly pulled apart. The skin separated from the meat and skeletal system and quickly I was left with a naked rabbit carcass. I pulled part of the fur over the rabbits head and detached the rabbits front two feet. With a quick snapping motion and a bit of a twist I snapped off the rabbits head and tossed the fur and head into the forest for some predator to enjoy later. Returning to the back portion of rabbit I finished pulling the leg “socks” of fur out and then cut the tail and genital sections off the lower part of the rabbit. With fur completely off the skinned body I gently slid the sharp knife into the top of the rabbits abdomen and angled the blade up and away from the rabbit. Doing this is important as you don’t want to actually puncture any of the guts in the stomach but just cut the stomach lining to easily allow the guts to be pulled out. I turned the rabbit on it’s side with an open belly. Using my left hand as a scoop I gently pulled out the guts and then reached up into the tiny chest cavity to pull out the heart and lungs.

Now, with a fully skinned rabbit I washed my hands of the small amount of blood that had accumulated on them. My wife did not like it when I tracked blood into the living room. I picked up the skinned rabbit and the cast iron pan, and headed back into the cabin. My wife was waiting with hands on her hips and a stern expression. “You know I prefer it when you clean dinner away from the cabin” to which I stammered out “Yes, sorry dear” and she melted in front of me. “Go clean it up” she said, taking the rabbit from my hands and putting the skillet back on the fire. “I’ll keep working on this but hurry back!”.

I did as she demanded and returned back to a table filled with food and a delicious smell of rabbit stew and black berry pie. I must have been gone longer than I thought, disposing of the guts and skin. I hope she isn’t upset with me. Something is certainly wrong though.

Sitting down my wife piled food in front of me on a thin porcelain plate and then sat down a tiny thin tea cup filled to the brim with coffee.

It was the coffee that broke the charm spell. As quick as a whip I realized this was all a delightful dream of what could have been. I grabbed the knife off the table and ran it straight into the heart of the old hag that was pretending to be my wife. I had no wife. That didn’t stop the 5 or 10 seconds of gut wrenching regret while the spell still tried to fill me with visions and emotions of mistake. I watched as the once young beautiful face melted away and an old green hag with a long nose and pointed snaggle teeth. She snarled up at me but. It was too late for her.

By the time the spell ended and my true reality was upon me again I had successfully passed the second room in the dungeon. A part of me longed for the idealistic dream though. A nice quiet life with a beautiful woman instead of adventuring and killing to make it through the day and the woman the hag was imitating was just so kind and perfect. It wasn’t meant to be. An adventurer's life was a solitary life. Even my familiar was silent and brooding today.

The pop up snapped me back into reality.

“Congratulations! You successfully defeated the second challenge in this dungeon. Based on your previous failure the final boss will not be affected in any way. The two cancel out and the encounter will be normal. Prepare yourself! It will be a rocky fight!”

I made Lela identify the knife I still held in my hand. At this time whatever magic was creating the fantasy around me had dispersed. The body of the Hag remained but the cabin, woods, and food all vanished. All but the knife and Hag. I stood in a blank room with a crude wooden table off in the corner. I would loot everything after I finished the dungeon. That seemed like the responsible thing to do and I wouldn’t need to worry about surprises or more monsters then.

Lela informed me I was holding a “Flaying knife of the witches covenant” and that the “impossibly sharp knife effortlessly cut anything but the toughest objects and wounds left by the knife would burn and fester for weeks after being healed leaving the person in constant mind bending agony, if they remained being sane that long”.

I judiciously decided I did not want to fuck with that knife at all and placed it safely in my inventory and would never touch it again. It sounded like a horrific torture implement and something I didn’t want anyone else to ever use. I am a good survivor after all.

No, not survivor that word suggests the wrong thing. I was an adventurer. I chose this life. That thought felt wrong though but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why.

Vowing to not think of it again I calmly walked out of the room and to the final door. The door was slightly cracked and inviting. Checking that my STOP! Shield was strapped to my arm and hefted my spear in a fighting stance. I pushed open the door gingerly with my lead foot and slowly stepped inside the gargantuan final chamber. The entire chamber had to be larger than a football stadium with a giant church on the far end. Between the cathedral and my location was an empty vast battlefield with the occasional skeleton or weapon laying on the ground. Décor was important I guess.

The door slammed behind me as a cackling sound filled the air. On Top of a massive 100’ high cathedral sat a truly giant gargoyle holding his stomach and laughing. He started his evil monologue.

Puny human what made you think you could challenge me? I commend you for your efforts but your broken corpse will just be a snack to me. What made you think you could possibly take on a boss such as myself? The rest of the dungeon was just a taste of some of the power I hold! The magic in my left pinky would be more than enough to crush you but I won’t even exert that. I’m going to come down there and break every bone in your body and make you beg me for the sweet mercy of death. Only then will I begin ripping you apart and bathing in your blood! You are nothing compared to me.

The gargoyle then leaped off into the air and I used my “Shield of Command: STOP!” to stun the massive monster. He immediately fell to the ground and shattered into a huge cloud of dust and shards. My safety glasses were the only thing that saved my vision and even then the debris left dozens of tiny scrapes and cuts on my exposed skin and tore my clothes to rags.

Was it fair? No. Fuck that gargoyle though. Monologuing like that is a true crime punishable by death.

The notifications came over me like a wave.

“Congratulations! You cleared a dungeon! Bonus experience for a solo clear. Bonus experience for defeating a dungeon who’s final boss was more than 3 levels higher than your own”

“Congratulations! You have leveled up. As a lvl 7 Dungeon Inspector you gain:

The Home Safe trait! A +2 in a skill of your choice and a +2 in strength and constitution! Greater familiar bond!”

“Congratulations! You have leveled up. As a lvl 8 Dungeon Inspector you gain:

The Torch spell! A +2 in a skill of your choice and a +2 in strength and constitution! Increased resistance against heat and cold”

Saying screw it I planned on getting the rundown of new abilities and spells in the morning. I looted the gargoyle's corpse and got a feast coupon and a +2 silicone wedding band. Putting the ring on absently I summoned a safe rest area in the side of the dungeon and planned to loot in the morning. After getting a drink of Gatorade, a quick shower, and putting back on my shirt and underwear I collapsed into the luxurious bed. I’d eat in the morning.

There was no twisted dream this night.