It wasn’t my first day on the job, but it was the first one that really counted. I was setting up the bar for a Hollywood party somewhere in the Palisades. As a struggling actor, I needed a gig anyway. It just so happened that getting hired at a bartender service for a party catering service might have been the best thing to happen to me.

I knew eventually I might meet some famous celebrities but didn’t expect it to be a couple weeks into the job. Today might be that day. Who knows who you’ll meet at parties like this, agents, actors, maybe even make some connections?

“You bring up the extra case of whiskey?” asked Tyler.

“Right over there,” I pointed. “So...you’ve been doing this for a while, right? Who’s the most famous actor you’ve met at one of these?”

Tyler scratched his head, “Listen, people are already wandering in over there. Just remember, don’t ask them for advice. Don’t ask any agent to look at your demo. Most importantly, get their drinks right. The best impression you can make is with good service. These people are a different breed. They’re eccentric, weird, demanding. Take deep breaths and keep your cool.”

I nodded nervously. About to ask a question, I heard someone approaching. Not believing my eyes, Jerry Applegate strode over in a white suit with Lisa FREAKIN Woodrow on his arm. Through deep breaths, I reminded myself not to gush about how big a fan I was of both of them. “What can I get you?”

“I’ll take a vodka-bourbon,” said Jerry casually.

I tried not to wrap my head around what he was asking. “A-a vodka bourbon? Did you want two drinks?”

“What? No, neat,” replied Jerry. “Just pour vodka in a rocks glass with bourbon.” Disgusting. I couldn’t find the words to describe how that would taste, other than disgusting.

“Oh, absolutely,” I replied. “And for you?”

“She’ll have a water,” Jerry said coldly, turning away and looking towards the pool.

“That’s right,” said Lisa, “I’m not drinking today.” Leaning closer to me, she put her elbows on the bar, beautiful as ever. “Fill it up with vodka,” she whispered.

“What?” I whispered back. “You want vodka with water?”

“No. I’m. Not. Drinking. Today,” she said, stressing each word. “Get it?” she winked.

“So you would like water then?”

“Listen,” she hissed. “Just fill up a glass with vodka and put ice in it!”

“S-sure thing,” I say, my hands trembling as I fill the order. “One vodka-bourbon and one...water.” Jerry takes his drink and walks away. Lisa smiles and puts the glass to her lips and takes a sip. Then another. Then another. The glass is now almost empty when she pauses. “Um,” I set a new glass on the bar top, “Here’s that water you also wanted.”

“Uuuugh,” groans Lisa. “What an idiot,” she mutters, walking away.

Before I could dwell on it, someone else stepped up. “Hey, guy, I need a Hennessy Margarita.”

I shook my head, “Sorry, what?”

“Don’t get smart with me, kid,” said the man. I looked over and recognized him instantly, four-time Oscar winning actor, Eduardo Santilini. “A Hennessy Margarita and two Tequila Old Fashions.”

“Sorry, sir, grabbing a round for friends?” I say, trying to make smalltalk.

“They’re for me,” he said. He must have seen the involuntary movement of my face. “Do you know who I am, asshole? Do you know how hard I work?!” he yelled. “I think I’m allowed a few drinks at a goddamn party.” People were staring. I made the drinks as quickly as I could, asking Tyler what the hell I’d even use to make them.

That’s how it went for the entire night, horrid drinks ordered by horrid people. Jerry Applegate and Lisa Woodrow argued constantly until Lisa, insisting she was alright, vomited in the pool. She’d had three more “waters,” on no dinner. Eduardo Santilini drove his car into a palm tree, causing it to buckle under its own weight and knocking the white powder off his mustache.

&&&&

I left as soon as my shift ended. Walking down the side of the house, Jerry and Lisa were arguing in the front. “Hunny, calm down,” said Jerry.

“You dun evn...you dunt know,” she slurred. “Are we gun do this here?” I stopped in my tracks, trying to stay out of sight by the side of the house. Normally, I would eat up a celebrity meltdown like that but now, I just don’t want to get roped in.

Jerry apparently drove off and Lisa rambled something incoherently. I waited a moment and then started walking towards my car when I ran straight into Lisa. She squinted and looked at my face hard, then shrugged. “Hav you ever had an affairs?” she asked.

“What? No. I don’t-”

“You do now,” she said, throwing herself into me. I moved back east the following week.