CHAPTER 5

After crying himself to sleep, Kelsen woke up in the middle of the night. He couldn’t hear Ralia, and didn’t know if that meant she’d gone to sleep in her bedroom, or if she was just lying on the couch, awake. Either way, he was far too terrified to peek out and check, or, worse, text her back after the night before. After his threefold apology, she’d tried talking to him softly, telling him she wasn’t mad, asking him to please come out. But he couldn’t. After a while, she resorted to texting him instead, clearly hoping that he’d respond on a different, less demanding medium. Still, it was too much, and eventually she’d left him alone, to sob into his pillow and ask himself, over and over, what was wrong with him, and why he had to be this way—weak, scared, pathetic.

Niko was the only one who knew the extent of his own self-hatred. He had trouble in school, could rarely find work that he was able to do, and was too fearful to break out of his shell. Even now, he was largely dependent on support from his parents and Niko. Niko and Ralia were his only real friends. All he did was play video games, listen to music, and hide away from the world.

He couldn’t be more of a loser.

He’d hoped that coming to Latia would change him, would make him a better person, a worthier person, someone he didn’t have to hate. At first, it had seemed like he was getting better. He’d managed to go out in public a few times, even if it was with two friends to anchor him. Things had seemed promising.

But then he’d fucked it up. One wrong move from Ralia, and he’d panicked. Things were ruined between them. Ralia wasn’t the type to hate, but now she’d never look at him with anything but pity. How could they have any kind of relationship when she had to do everything, anyway? He was just a liability to her. Like he was to everyone.

Briefly, he realized that he was going into a spiral of depression, and knew that Niko was the only one who would really understand, who could help him right now. But Niko was gone. He wanted to be with Pakos more than he wanted to be with Kelsen. That was fair. Who would want to be around him? Niko was probably more than sick of picking up the slack in Kelsen’s emotional life.

Kelsen took out his phone and looked at his contacts. Niko’s name was right there. He could call. Hope Niko picked up. Hope Niko could talk him down.

No. Niko had chosen to leave. To live his own life. Kelsen couldn’t ruin that, like he’d already ruined everything else. He scrolled, and found his mother’s phone number, and their recent text conversation. She had asked about how he was doing in Decegrad, and he’d lied and said things were calm, that he was having fun with Niko. Paws shaking, he began typing a new message.

I think I made a big mistake. Niko is gone and I ruined everything and I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry.

Although it was near the crack of dawn in Brenn, his mother called him almost immediately. He didn’t answer. I’m sorry. I can’t talk right now.

Where are you right now? Text me the address and we’ll come pick you up.

And then Are you hurt? What happened? Where is Niko?

Tears sprang to his eyes, though he managed not to sob like before. Here he was, making things worse, like always. I’m not in Decegrad. I’m not even in Salica. I’m far away. I lied. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Just tell us where you are. We’ll get you home.

He rocked back and forth. Should he tell them? Could he tell them? They’d worry, and then there’d be nothing they could do. He’d already made them upset.

I’m sorry. I can’t right now. I just need someone to talk to. I’m so alone here.

Walk us through it. What happened? Where is Niko? He’s not answering.

Of course they’d already called Niko. Half the time, when things went wrong, they talked to Niko instead of him. All three of them talking about what to do about Kelsen, what was best for Kelsen. Just another sign of how much of a failure he was.

We were staying with a friend, but Niko left with his other friend. Now I’m alone with her and I just can’t do it. I can’t even talk to her.

Niko just left you there?

I told him to. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong.

Kelsen, please tell us where you are. We need to get you home.

I’m sorry. I can’t. It’s too much.

Who are you staying with? Let us talk to her.

I can’t. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m fine. I’ll try to talk to you later. I should go to sleep.

Kelsen, don’t block us out. Tell us what’s going on.

He left that message on read and went back to sleep.

...

Ralia spent a restless night on the couch, going over and over the previous night in her head. What could she have done differently? Not picked him up, for a start. But she couldn’t just leave him in her pocket forever.

Clearly, Kelsen wasn’t quite ready to be separated from Niko. Not in such new and intimidating surroundings. She considered texting Niko and asking him to come back, or for advice, but eventually decided against it. Niko would come back when he was ready. In the meantime, she would step up and fill the void he left.

If she could. The size difference was already a huge factor preventing her from doing so. Add to that Kelsen not knowing her in person for long and his being alone on a planet of aliens—much larger aliens—and it might be impossible. But she had to try. When morning finally came—after a few bursts of fitful sleep where she continued to agonize over how to approach the situation—she rolled off the couch and forced herself to perform her normal morning routine.

When she was done, she began making breakfast, and texted Kelsen that it would be ready soon. He hadn’t responded the night before, but perhaps things had been too raw. She was hopeful when her phone buzzed, but her ears fell flat when she read Not hungry. Sorry.

Well, she would simply have to keep trying. She put aside a portion for him, to heat up later if he changed his mind, and ate alone.

...

Late morning found Pakos and Niko back in Teromod. They’d discussed their plans for the day earlier that morning, and were civil but not quite friendly. Things were still tense from the night before, and Niko was doing his best to move past it. When Pakos suggested they visit some of the museums they’d missed before, he readily agreed. He even agreed that it would be just the two of them, as neither Kelsen nor Ralia had messaged either of them about the day, and Pakos said it would work out for the ‘getting to know each other’ Niko had mentioned. Niko had found the missed call from Kelsen’s mother strange, but was too distracted by his current situation to call back.

Things started off well enough. The Museum of Aviation was fascinating; initially, the pioneers of Latian flight had gone a totally different route than Moccs when it came to approaching the problem of getting airborne. The Museum of Archeology was all right, but Pakos seemed bored with it, while Niko was trying to pay attention and learn about all the similarities and differences in their respective histories.

Worse, they received a great deal of stares, far different than those that had been directed towards them when Ralia and Kelsen had been around. Niko tried not to think about why, and did his best to be cheerful and friendly, but found that it was hard without Kelsen around. He’d spent so long knowing that he was Kelsen’s anchor and support that he’d never fully realized that Kelsen was playing an important role in his life as well. They’d never been apart for long since grade school, other than Niko’s unfortunate forced visits to his parents, where he’d always chalked up his poor mood to their verbal and psychological abuse. But maybe, in order to keep up his optimism, he needed Kelsen as much as Kelsen needed him.

...

After breakfast, Ralia took care of some work business on her computer, mostly just making sure her boss hadn’t tried to foist any extra work on her during her week off, and then browsed the internet for a bit. She hoped that giving Kelsen some more time would help, but worried that this wasn’t something time would solve. After an hour or two, she sighed, and went over to the small Moccan dwelling.

This time, instead of saying anything, she carefully laid down next to it on her back, and stared up at the ceiling. She began to hum one of Kelsen’s favorite songs, one they’d sung together a hundred times, loudly enough for him to hear, but not so loud she’d be overly disturbing him if his Earplugz weren’t in and active.

After she’d gone through it three times, her phone buzzed. It was Kelsen.

I’m sorry.

Holding back her frustration, she typed back. You have nothing to be sorry for. I should be sorry for not being careful enough and startling you.

It’s not your fault. It’s mine for being like this.

Please don’t think like that. It’s not your fault. Kelsen, I’m not mad, or disappointed, or anything. Just a little sad, because I miss you. If you can’t come out, please at least talk to me.

“...What do you want me to say?”

She perked up. He was quiet, and sounded more upset than she’d ever heard him, but he’d spoken. “Just anything. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me how I can help.”

“You can’t. No one can. Only Niko, and he left.”

“What does Niko normally do to help?”

“I...” Kelsen seemed caught off guard by the question. “He knows what to say. To make me feel less like...” He paused.

“Less like what, Kel?”

“...Less of a burden on everyone.”

She’d known of Kelsen’s deep melancholy and sometimes depression over his anxiety, but he’d never been so blunt about how he felt before. “Kel, you’re not...”

“Don’t lie!” His response was sudden and passionate. “You know it’s true! I know it’s true! Everyone knows! I’ve been nothing but a burden my whole life! My parents, Niko, the government. Now you. Everyone’s nice, everyone’s understanding, but they’re still above me, because I’m nothing but a liability, someone to take care of! It was always true on Moccs, but here on Latia it’s much more...obvious. I’m worthless!”

Ralia blinked back tears. How could she never have realized just how badly he was hurting? “Kelsen, please, listen to me. You are not a liability. You are not a burden. You are my friend.”

“It can be both.” From the sound of his voice, it seemed he was crying again now as well. “It’s worse when it’s both. I’ve been stealing away Niko’s life as long as I’ve known him.”

“You know that’s not true. Kelsen, my life is better for having you in it. I know Niko thinks so too. You are kind and wise and strong. You are so much stronger than you think you are. How many Moccans are brave enough to come to Latia? To leave everything they know behind and go somewhere all new, all strange, all huge? You did that, Kelsen. You’re here. Even if things seem hard, you made it here.” She paused for a moment, but he didn’t say anything. “Remember when my dad was in the car wreck, and he had to go to the hospital, and they wouldn’t let me back with him, and I had to stay out in the waiting room? You stayed up with me all night and kept me from losing my mind with worry. You kept me sane. You weren’t a burden. You helped me during one of the most difficult days of my life. And it’s not just big stuff like that. You make me smile every day. When I have a bad day, I know I can count on you to make everything better just by being there. No matter what your anxiety is telling you, no matter where your thoughts go when you’re depressed, it’s wrong. You bring joy to my life, Kelsen. I love you.” She’d said it out loud before, but never with so much conviction.

When Kelsen continued to stay silent, she spoke again. “I know you don’t feel ready, but please, come out. Come be with me, and we can face what’s bothering you together.”

The next few moments seemed to drag on for hours, but eventually, the door to the Moccan house opened. Kelsen shuffled out slowly, rubbing his eyes. Ralia glanced at him, but did not move from where she was. Kelsen walked over between her and the shelter, and then lay down on the carpet as well, eyes staring straight up. After a few minutes, he spoke up. “I’m sorry.”

“Kelsen...”

“For yelling. I should have never yelled at you. You don’t deserve it.”

“If you feel bad about it, then I forgive you.”

Another minute of quiet passed. “It doesn’t change what I said, though. It feels like all I do is drag people down. I hate it. I hate me.”

“Can you try to tell me why?”

“Because I’m different. I’m wrong. I’m always afraid of everything and everyone. Going out in public terrifies me. Talking to strangers is an ordeal. I can barely get anything done. Everyone else gets along fine, but I struggle to do the most basic stuff.” He sniffed. “I can hardly work, so my parents had to pay for my tuition. I can barely focus, so my grades suck. Half the time I’m lost in my own head, and only Niko can get me out. He spends half his time, half his life just stopping me from losing it. He’s the only reason I even made it this far.”

Ralia restrained herself from reaching over and pulling him into an embrace. “Well, you got two things right.”

“Huh?”

“You are different. You’re kinder and wiser than anyone else our age. You think a lot more, too. And that’s both good and bad. You’re thoughtful, but sometimes you think too much, about the things that can go wrong. And you are wrong—about yourself. Kelsen, most people are afraid of things. I hate needles and doctors, because they terrify me. I don’t like driving, because I’m scared I’ll get in a crash, ever since my dad got hit. But I go to the doctor when I need to, and drive when I need to. Fear doesn’t make you weak. Facing your fears makes you brave.”

“Well, I can’t. I can’t face my fears. I am weak.”

“That’s not what I’ve seen. Like I said, I think coming to Latia was incredibly brave. And since you got here, we’ve been out in public quite a bit.”

“I was hiding the whole time.”

“Not the whole time. And even when you were, you were still there. You’ve talked to several strangers since coming here. And you’re clearly afraid of me, but you’re around me all the time, and you’re making an effort to overcome it.”

“No...”

“Yes, you are!”

“No, I mean...I’m not afraid of you.”

Ralia glanced over and gave him a sad smile. “Sorry, but it was pretty clear last night.”

“That’s different.”

“How so?”

“It’s...hard to explain.”

“Can you try?”

Sighing, he did. “I’m not afraid of you like I’m afraid of, like, Pakos, or that tiger at the theater. I know you. You’re my friend. I know you wouldn’t hurt me.” He paused, and she prompted him with a raised eyebrow. “I’m afraid to touch you. Because then it’s real.”

“What’s real?”

“The size difference. Online, I could forget. Even since I got here, sometimes, I can forget about it. But not when we touch. When we touch, it’s real. You’re big, and I’m small.” He choked back a sob. “We’re doomed.”

“What on Latia do you mean by that?”

“We can’t be...what I wanted to be, when we’re so different. We can only be friends. At best.”

“You...you’re afraid to touch me because then you have to think about how big I am, and that makes you think we can never be intimate with each other?”

He flushed. “Yeah. I guess.”

She regarded him sternly, rising to lean on one elbow. “Kelsen! You said you’re not afraid. I am going to pick you up. I am going to touch you. And I am going to show you how real it is.”

“No, wait...”

She sat up and reached a paw towards him, and then stopped, inches away. “Trust me. Please.”

He froze, staring at her outstretched paw, and then started breathing rather quickly. It was clear from his face that he was thinking furiously. Probably overthinking. But after a few moments, he closed his eyes. “Okay.”

Finally, then, she did what she’d wanted to do since they’d met, though slowly and carefully. She picked him up and brought him over to her face, bringing up her other paw as well, and gently hugged him to her cheek. “This is real. We are together, and it is real. I feel you close to me, and it’s the most real thing I’ve ever experienced. We’re different. It’s true. But we’re better together like this.”

He began to tremble, and for a moment, she feared she’d gone too far. But then he grabbed onto her with both paws, and began to sob, clinging to her more desperately than he’d run from her the night before. She found tears in her eyes as well; they mixed with Kelsen’s to dampen her cheek. But, like Kelsen, she wasn’t crying because she was sad. It was an outpouring of emotion at finally feeling the embrace they’d each longed for for so long.