It was one of those long Summer days, in which a soul enjoys life to its fullest, but the heat reminds him that he is not yet in paradise.

My buddy Mars and I were out quail hunting that day, the wildgrass was a golden ocean containing those elusive feathered treasures desired by the gods themselves. We had just started, and my terrier Jack was itching for a run. I thought he was the best kind of dog a man could ask for on a hunt; smart, fast, and a great nose. This was his fifth hunt, each one before this was wildly successful.

I developed enough of an ego for the two of us, and then-some, I’ll admit. My ten gauge did the job fine every time before this, but after this day with Mars, it seemed like a heap of trash.

Mars was always a weird dude. He’d come to the office, do his work and leave without a word- hours passing by of silent contemplation. I thought for a bit that he might be one of those crazy shooter dudes; the asshole kind, not the cool, hunting kind. That said, we only became friends because of our shared interest of hunting- saw some pictures in his cubicle. One day I asked “Ey, you shoot?” and it was the first smile I saw on his face in all my time working with him.

Anyways, it all started when Jack pointed out a bush and I took the first shot of the day. “So I ‘spose you’ve come along just to watch me shoot?” I said, hitting nothing and scaring out the quail. He didn’t have a thing on him but a great big rain jacket- he looked bigger than he usually did, and he wasn’t a small guy neither.

“No, I’ve come to hunt… Thanks for taking me along by the way,” he said, looking out to the trees.

“Yeah? I hope you ain’t expectin’ to get anything with your bare hands.”

He laughed. “I won’t be using my bare hands.”

“Uh huh.” I took another shot, startled another family of quail. I was getting defensive- I never missed two in a row. “Cool. Well I think something’s wrong with my sights today.”

He shook his head. “What’s wrong is your conception of what hunting truly is.”

This definitely pushed me the wrong way. “Well shit, mate. Saying I have no idea, eh?” I asked him with no reservation on the sarcasm.

“You rely too much on your weapon, the real hunter must be ready to adapt to their opponent in any situation.”

I audibly scoffed at him. “Are you for real?” I said with no small smile as I looked down my sight.

Mars took off his coat, and under it was a full set of assault weapons, a goddamn falcon, and a holstered fucking chihuahua.

“Dude, what the fuck?!” I exclaimed as the chihuahua went nuts due to the change in light after being cooped up in the coat for the entire two and a half hours it took us to get here from when I met him.

Mars held up his hand to silence me. “Watch.” He gently took up the chihuahua like an ancient goddamn relic, held it belly up, and blew into its stomach.

*BERK BERK BERK!* The chihuahua was yelping ecstatically.

Mars then rotated the little dude in his hands and held its ear up to his mouth. “Pico, me gusta la sangre.”

*BERK BERK BERK BERK BERK!*

“D-dude,” I tried to cut in over the dog as Mars laid it in the grass, “what the fu-”

“Magnum,” Mars said.

*CAW!* Went the bird. It was the loudest bastard I’d ever heard. Like a bolt the falcon, its face scarred and its eyes burning like hell, was at Mars’ neck, drawing his blood and lapping it up like a serial killer.

“M-magnum?” I muttered like a dumbass.

“He chose the name himself when he dodged a full barrel from my revolver,” he said just before he whispered something to his bird.

The falcon’s talons tightened into Mars’ neck with furious, murderous intent.

“So where’d he get the scars?” I said as I saw the dog spread out its legs like it was about to get picked up.

Mars coaxed Magnum off his neck, covered in closed wounds, and he motioned the bird off his arm. “As a hatchling his dad tried to eat him.” My face was frozen in shock as he took a dramatic silence. “Magnum ate well that night.” I didn’t answer, I just watched Magnum pick up Pico and take to the air.

It was too much, I fell on my ass, staring up at the falcon carrying the dog. “D-dude, what the fuck?” I sighed out in bewilderment.

A few seconds passed, and then the dog, way up in the sky, hovered over a bush. *berk berk berk!* it went.

Mars pulled out one of the guns, a grenade launcher, and shot into the bush. *KABOOM*

An entire family of disintegrating quail corpses flew out of the bush, already cooked by the explosion.

I started to my feet, my shotgun dropped and Jack whimpering pathetically. “Dude, what the fuck!?”

*berk berk!*

*KABOOM*

*… berk!*

*KABOOM*

“Dude! What the fuck are you doing!? We can’t bring these back!”

Mars shook his head. “I’m wasting them on purpose.”

“Wh-what?!”

*berk berk!*

*KABOOM*

“I’m luring out the true hunt,” he said, eyes focused on Pico and Magnum.

I just stared on as Mars blew up two more bushes, then things started to get really weird. The sky turned dark, and I could hear voices surrounding us. Mars put back his launcher and pulled out an amulet with a crimson gem shaped like a skull, then he took a deep breath, staring at the sky.

“Dude, what the f-”

“I INSULT YOUR CHILDREN’S FLESH AS I INSULT YOUR MEMORY. I BECKON YOUR HATRED. COME FORWARD!” Mars yelled just as he sliced open his hand and covered the amulet with his blood. A patch of ground opened up as an occult red glow shone out from the hole. Slowly, a giant quail ascended out of hell, its three sets of horns bursting into flame once it opened its mouth.

“YOU SHALL BE SLAIN FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS!” It screamed.

“DUDE! WHAT THE FU-”

*berk berk berk!* yelped that stupid dog.

“Now the real hunt begins,” Mars said, tearing off his clothes and applying his own blood as warpaint. Mars pulled out a damn claymore and ran at the giant quail, spewing fire out of every orifice. Magnum, one of his wings replaced with a desert eagle, shot at the quail as Pico leapt from Magnum’s grasp and transformed into a giant werewolf… dog… thing.

Fuck it. I’m done.

Long story short, I’m apparently a bad hunter, and Mars brought back a quail the size of a house. Like, I love hunting, but there are some people that just have no life, you know what I mean?