“Okay, it’s down!” SheezyPop04 shrieks amidst the taser’s rattling.

The black-green creeper plops to the side with a crazed hiss, its four limbs jolting crudely under the mid-day sunshine.

At once, the whole group is upon it. Sk8rn3rd666 is the first on the site, flipping it over and pulling out his iron sword with Sharpness III to commence the cutting.

“Are we really going to do this?!” Jingle2008 asks, taking cover behind a just-placed block of cobblestone just in case.

SheezyPop04 scoffs the way only a 15 year old playing Minecraft could as he catches up to the rest. “We’re doing it now. Open it up!”

Sk8rn3rd666 isn’t the leader of the group, but he sure has the diamonds to be the one. Egged on by other four, he begins cutting into the creeper with a rigid, nervous sawing motion. The creeper hisses over and over in immaculate pain, but every time it flexes to explode, the electricity of the taser holds the reaction at bay.

“We’re almost there, we’re almost fucking there!” xXxCawdGawdxXx yells with a bated breath, looming over the brutal surgery with vehement trepidation.

He’s so excited; they’re all excited. They all remember Botch’s last will and testament after his legendarily-cool assisted suicide at the top of one of his sixty four mansions, broadcasted around the world just twenty minutes ago:

“Huhuhuh- I partnered up with Epic Games and hacked back Minecraft from Microsoft. For the next thirty minutes if you can cut open a live creeper you’ll get something sweet. Better get it before the update because it’s getting patched out,” he said before he burst into flames projected by Zeelon Nusk’s single malt whiskey flamethrower.

Those words stuck with the gang just as much as the sound of Zeelon Nusk’s manic laughter overcame their smartphones’ speakers, backdropped by the crazed screams of Botch over the flames.

Now the four of them are here, cutting open a paralyzed creeper.

“Looks like it’s working!” Sk8rn3rd yells with a victorious abandon as he speeds up his pace.

“LOOK!” Jingle2008 yells at the very top of his pre-pubescent lungs.

They can all see it from where they are. The convulsing creeper’s wound is widening and deepening steadily to reveal that sweet, wonderous blue essence of power and wonderment that no human can resist.

xXxCawdGawdxXx can hardly speak. “V-v-vvvv-vvvv-”

“V BUCKS!” the others cheer with bestial hysteria, the most primal noises imaginable expelling from their bodies, all instantly overtaxed with adrenalin and excitement.

It’s true.

From the creeper’s entrails, a generous wealth of Epic Games lootboxes containing beautiful, pale-azure V Bucks spew forth.

It’s a miracle.

Instantly all the boys drop all pretense of society and civility to transform into their basest, most animalistic forms. Using their parent's credit cards, the group had prepared for this event by buying a conjoined worth of $2,000 of lootbox keys. Each player struggles against the others to shove their faces and hands as deep as possible into the wild blu-razzberry flavoring of the V Bucks torrent, the slimy consistency running through their pixelated hair and into their eagerly-opened eyes. They’re unlocking the lootboxes too quickly, the casings shattering and showering them with more unbelievable blue juice.

The horrific orgy of V Bucks collection reaches a fever pitch as xXxCawdGawdxXx attempts to crawl inside of the creeper by forcing his head into the wound.

Jingle2008, the youngest and most susceptible of them all, begins slashing at the others wildly with his sword. More Bucks for him, after all.

It’s an insane, godless slaughter filled with shrieks, moans, hisses, and the cutting of flesh.

From a far away hillside, viewing through twitch, a lone man born in the 80’s simply shakes his head.

“What has it all come to?” he asks himself before taking a sip from his zero calorie monster energy drink and getting back to his old school Runescape session.