HATE. It’s all we know. They hate us, we hate them. Around and around it goes. When will it end nobody knows. Hate begets hate which in turn causes death. DEATH.

Always death all the time, murder, murder is a crime. It was, now it’s life. Hate will not stop this, hate will kill. It will kill all of us. But reason, reason can. I can. I will.

Can I? My reason left. My thoughts are twisting like the gray bodies beyond the wall. The mind becomes murky and broken. If only she was still here, it wouldn’t be like this. If only I could have, no, shhhhh…shhhh…It will be ok. Everything will be ok.

It is nearly time. Everything will be ok.

-“Doc” Vorran Date: 16 years post poisoning. Too long.

LESEDI:

The fire crackles on a low burn within the hearth of the sitting room giving the room a soft golden glow. The banya bulbs hanging in sconces add to the comforting soothing light. A soft blue sweater wraps around me like I’m hugging a tog. It’s an otherwise tranquil morning, aside from the unruly child in my lap. Zoey wriggles under the brush as I try to keep her head still. Her bright orange hair only goes to her ears but it still takes far too long to neaten, that would be the tangles. I let out a deep breath and sit back to dab more oil on the brush and then start at her scalp again. She must be the most fidgety child alive.

I sigh and let out a slow calming breath. “Honestly Zoey, are you incapable of sitting still?”

The little girl wiggles again scrunching her shoulders. “It’s not my fault!”

I pull the brush through the squirmy child’s hair for a final time and set it aside deciding it’s good enough. She no longer has a mess of tangles at least, not that it matters since she just puts on a hat all day anyways. Regardless of whether we go outside.

I wrap my arms around my dear little cousin and give her a loving squeeze. “We’re done Zo. But I still don’t understand why you don’t let Wren brush your hair.”

She leans back into my arms more and shrugs. “Mom doesn’t do it right. She’s not you.”

I smile and lean down giving her a kiss on the cheek. “That’s sweet. Now go play.”

Zoey leaps up from my lap yelling. “Freedom!” She runs away with her bare feet pattering across the wood floors and yanks a knit hat onto her head.

I lean back in the sofa and reach for my cup of tea. I’ve taken to drinking the same bitter pink water that Wren has all these years. It’s awful stuff, but it makes the nerves feel soft and relaxed without compromising the mind. Unlike the rum that Trigan prefers, though Wren tries to water it down. When he’s had a bit too much, he gets strange ideas that at the time seem brilliant to him. He stumbles over to his drafting table in an inspired fury and draws up designs. But when he sees them by the light of a sober morning, they’re just confusing.

One time he designed a chair with no legs, it balances on a ball underneath instead. Out of curiosity he made that chair, it was utterly unsittable. Except to Zoey who loves it. I smile glancing at the slumped over useless chair in the corner of the room and take a sip of tea.

To say I love my family is an understatement. I think everyone loves their family, but ours feels special somehow. It might be because we’re cobbled together in a way, like the end scraps of a dress no one could use but someone transformed them into a beautiful quilt. We’re each a strange little piece of this quilted family and despite how bizarre each of us is, it works. Of course, families have to be tight knit here in the outlands. I take another nervous sip of tea to finish off the cup.

This moment of restfulness is destroyed by the jarring sounds of banging resonating through the house. My whole body flinches and I gasp with surprise pulling myself to my feet. Still clutching the pink rimmed mug, I travel out into the dining room to find the noise. I hear dishes clanking from the kitchen, but that’s Wren and Alaric washing up from breakfast, nothing abnormal. Though I find it strange they’re not startled by the absurd noise.

I step through the archway leading to the hall and turn right. I hear the noise banging and chewing even louder from my room. I leap through the doorway to see what under Father Sky is happening in my bedroom. Trigan stands in my room holding some strange bracket up against the wall on Talea’s side. His muscles bulge with strained effort as he twists the hand drill into the stone, picks up a mallet and bangs it against the end, then resumes twisting it.

I shout over the noise. “What are you doing?!”

Trigan doesn’t hear me. I huff and step over tapping my hand against his thick shoulders. I yell again louder this time. “Trigan!”

The noise stops. My uncle pauses and looks at me with a smile through a film of black dust covering his face. “Good morning Lesedi.”

I gape at him with wide eyes. “What are you doing?”

He shrugs with an unwavering grin. “Project for Talea.”

I frown. “What project?”

Before he can answer Talea steps through the doorway with a beaming grin. “Hey! That looks great!” She rushes over and lays a tight hug on him. “Thanks!” She gives him a kiss on the cheek that leaves a clean lip mark among the filth and a black coating on her own lips.

“Talea what’s going on here?” I frown with utter confusion.

She smiles and puts an arm around my shoulders. “Let’s talk in the hall so Trigan can finish up.” She guides me out into the hall and we hear the chaotic sounds start up again. Following my sister’s lead, we come to the dining room where the noise is much more bearable.

I sit down at the table, but Talea remains standing. She does that a lot now, I don’t ever see her sit. “Talea, what’s going on?”

She gestures back towards the room, her giddy smile still pasted onto her face. Things have been so strange the past three weeks. She’s been unusually happy, which I realize is a good thing, but it flags a warning in my mind. Something has changed and it disturbs me that she won’t tell me.

Talea bends to the left and right stretching while she talks. “I asked Trigan to install a pole for me on our wall. It’ll sit sideways on two brackets.”

I frown harder. “Why?”

She giggles. Giggles? “Sorry, I get why you’re confused. It’s for a movement where I pull myself up until my chin is above the pole.”

My frown stays put. “Then what?”

She giggles again. “Then I let myself down and start over.”

I stand up from my chair frustrated. “For what reason?”

She tilts her head towards me as if her answer is obvious. “To get stronger.”

My chest flutters with nervous ticks. I start to pace. “I don’t understand why you’ve got this obsession with getting stronger. Like that other exercise, you do, when you push yourself up from the floor, what are they called?”

She laughs at me. “Push-ups.”

I glare. “Don’t laugh at me, I’m being serious. What’s going on with you?”

She shrugs and looks away. “I just want to be stronger that’s all.”

I gesture my arms out wide to my sides. “But why? What happened three weeks ago? What’s going on with you?”

Talea’s smile drops away and is replaced by a frowning brow and glaring eyes. “I’m fine ok. I’m happy. Leave it alone Lesedi.”

“But-“ Before I can continue prying Wren pops her head from the kitchen. “Everything alright in here girls?”

A sharp tension snaps between us. Talea forces an ingenuine smile and glances at me. “Fine.” She pauses. “I checked earlier; the suns are out today. Clear skies. I’m going for a run.”

Wren nods with silence. I take a deep breath. “I’ll come too.” I need to know what’s happening. I feel like there’s a growing void between us and I can’t fight the fear that whatever is going on will take her away from me.

“Actually, Lesedi dear I could use your help.” Wren steps out into the dining room with desperate eyes. She knows something. “Everyone has been so cooped up lately I wanted to cook something extra special for dinner. I could use the extra hands.”

This feels contrived. She’s deliberately trying to keep me away from Talea, and I don’t understand why. My stomach churns with frustration, I know they’ve been keeping something from me and it angers me to no end that they won’t tell me what it is. I feel the storm of rage building inside of me, but I will not be slave to it. I take a deep breath and force it to dissipate.

I sigh. “Of course, Wren, I’ll help you.”

Talea gives me a faint smile and a powerful nod to Wren, then shoots away up the stairs and disappears. Like she’s been doing for three weeks. She thinks I’m this pitiful delicate little creature that doesn’t know what’s going on outside of her books. Everyone sees me as this girl that needs to be protected and sheltered. I’m sick of it. I will not be treated like a child anymore; I will not tolerate this patronizing protection.

I will find out what Talea’s hiding.

✽✽✽

TALEA:

The snow crunches beneath my boots with fast paced steps bolting towards the forest. Looking up the sky is dappled with clouds but none obscure the suns. The light is bright reflecting from the sheet of white snow across the plains. Behind me I see the snow-covered blurbs of our farm, they look like bumps in the snow. Today it reaches about halfway up my shins, but it’s hard and crystalized after the freezing rain a few days before.

The light dims as I hit the tree line in a flash as if entering another world. The snow is much shallower beneath the trees and more manageable to run through. The thick scraggly branches are all heavy with white powder, the only sound I can hear is the pattering of clumpy snow falling from a tree when it can hold no more. I come to a stop taking in the peaceful silence, it makes me feel like I’m the only person left in the world.

My body jerks as a force slams into me throwing me from my feet lurching towards the ground. Before I have the chance to regain my footing, I feel hands grab my forearm and jerk me to my feet and send me into a spin. The trees blur together as I twirl disoriented until my back is pressed hard into the cold bark of a rohedan. The thick tree forms a wall and there is no slipping around it.

I look up into the eyes of my captor, and sigh. “Seriously? Do you have to do that every time?”

Othin smiles at me with my arms pinned above my head with one hand. “Do you have to fall for it every time?”

I nod. “Fine. Good point.”

He tilts his head to the left. “You should have sensed I was here.”

I let out a long breath blowing strands of loose tangled hair out of my eyes. “I uh, I was distracted.”

He hunches his shoulders to lower his head so our eyes can lock. He leans forward and presses his forehead against mine and closes his eyes. “I know. But you must learn focus.”

I breath out and nod moving his head along with mine. “I know. Or else I’ll get killed.”

He frees my arms and moves his hands to rest on my hips. He pulls his head back so our faces are only a finger width apart. “Yes. You need to do better. I do not think I will find another female I can tolerate.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Tolerate? How sweet.”

He opens his mouth to attempt to fix his words, it never works. Othin is many things, charismatic is not one of them. Before he has a chance to speak a sound, I grab the back of his neck and pull myself up towards him laying my lips on his. His skin is warm against mine and smooth like river rocks. His hands move up from my hips to my ribs as he presses me back against the tree kissing me with full nightstalker intensity.

Our limbs tangle together enraptured by our fervent kissing. Nothing else in the world exists, no conflicts lurk on our horizons, no problems seeking to separate us. In this one moment it’s me and him spinning among nothing but each other. As our kissing deepens and I can feel his body tense with the passion I kick my heel into the back of his knee. The kiss breaks and he staggers back at which point I leap into the air and deliver a hard kick to his chest. He falls backwards to the ground in surprise and I break into a run.

Behind me I hear his voice call out incredulous. “Really Talea?!”

I smile and glance back at him while I run. “You shouldn’t have gotten distracted.”

I hear the crunching beneath my boots as I run across the white forest floor. The snow level is up to my ankles here, it takes more effort to run but is much easier than outside the forest. I glance behind me to see how far I’ve gotten from Othin, but he’s no longer there. I smile, let’s play.

With my head forwards I focus my mind like Othin has taught me. I clear my senses ignoring what I hear and what I smell and focus on what I feel. It takes work to use the life sense with intention, but I feel a blip in my mind. I lean into it and soon I can feel Othin, he’s to my right about twenty feet away. I feel him moving as he’s running parallel with me instead of towards me. The feeling creates a kind of image in my mind, nothing specific, but I can see a general blur of where he is past the shrubs and trees.

I leap over fallen logs and dug out pits admiring how much my jumping ability has improved. Othin is still running parallel to the right of me, I keep my sense on him while I run. I won’t let anything distract me. One foot pounds to the ground in front of the other, my heart races with excitement instead of fear, beads of sweat form on my forehead and trickle along my skin with the wind.

I hear a swinging cracking noise within the silence of the wood. Ahead of me I see a log tied by ropes fall from the canopy and swipe towards me. “Suns!” I gasp and drop into a summersault rolling past the flying log. I pop to my feet and keep running before it has a chance to swing back towards me.

Confidence fills me with a smug grin and then Othin tackles me again from the side. This time I dive into the hard snow kicking up dirt and debris that’s been hiding beneath. I roll onto my back groaning and slam my fists into the ground. “I lost you because I got distracted again.”

Othin nods and props himself up on his hands hovering over me. “You cannot let the unexpected draw your focus. If you do you will lose your grip on the enemy.”

I huff with frustration. “I guess you won this round. Again.”

He nods and the tangled white hair pokes at my cheeks. His predatory red eyes stare at me and in them I see a person who cares about me. Not because some bond tells him to, but because he chooses to. I laugh to myself; he shows me he cares by throwing a log at my head to teach me to be safe.

I reach a hand up from the cold snow and rest it on his cheek, my fingers warm to his touch. I haven’t said it yet, but I know I feel it. I know because it’s the only feeling I’ve never had for anyone else before.

“Othin I-“

Another voice carries into the forest interrupting me. “Talea!” Lesedi. “Talea!” There’s no urgency in her voice, no emergency has happened, she’s calling me to find me and keep me out of trouble.

I roll my eyes and sigh. I give a soft tap to Othin’s lips. “I gotta go. That’s my sister.”

Othin’s face falls with disappointment. He leans his head down and nuzzles his nose against my neck. “Please stay.” His deep voice whispers into my skin.

I want to. More than anything else in this world, I want to stay. But I push him away and roll out from under him. “I can’t. Lesedi will find me, and if she finds me with you, we’ll have way more problems.”

He pulls himself to his feet and reaches out his hand to help me up. I smack his hand aside and leap to my feet by myself. This makes him smile. I stand on the tips of my toes while he hunches forward to lay a peck on his lips.

“You will need to tell her.” His voice has a groaning tone to it. “This will not last.”

I nod and sigh. “I know.” I rest both hands on his face staring into his eyes. “Wren is sending me off to Thraz in a few months anyways. I’ll go along with her plan, then disappear from the caravan to meet up with you. Then we can be together. My family will think I’m safe in Thraz and be none the wiser. Please, just hang on for a few months. Ok?”

He nods and takes my hands planting a small kiss on them. “You are worth waiting for.”

With a giddy little girl smile I giggle and pull my hands back. I run towards home and glance back at him. “I’ll see you tonight!”

I hear his voice fade behind me. “I will be waiting.”

The trees thin as I get closer to the forest’s edge. I glance back and see Othin is gone. I feel almost sick, like there’s a void within me. It’s getting harder every day to leave him, it hurts more every time I have to go home. I have to hang on a few more months, just a few more, and then we can be together. Though I haven’t worked out the how of it yet.

I have no plan for how this will work, but I have a feeling it’s going to involve some terrible decisions.

✽✽✽

I turn past another tree and see Lesedi standing in front of me with piercing eyes. I suck in an icy breath that I struggle to let out. Attempting to look casual I lean against a white peeling tree next to me and rest my palm against it. “Hey.” I let the word out with a slow, painful awkwardness.

Lesedi crosses her arms. “What are you doing out here?”

I shrug and shove my hands into the pockets of my sleeveless tunic to keep from fidgeting. “Oh, nothing.”

Lesedi turns and walks with me away from the tree line. “Liar.”

I smile with a face wrecked by nervousness. “Look, the woods have less snow. It’s easier to run.” Half-truths make the best lies, she taught me that herself.

She still isn’t buying it. She’s angry and frustrated. “Is that why you’re not wearing a coat? Talea it’s freezing out here.”

I laugh at the subject change. Compared to everything else it seems so ridiculous. “I’m not cold. Don’t need it.”

My sister’s rage intensifies and mixes with hurt. “Fine. Don’t listen to me. You’ll catch your death out here, but it’s not like you care.” She storms off into the snow.

All I can see is my sister’s green and gold hair braided on top of her head floating above the white plains. In the distance I can see the mounds of our home and barn entrances with lines of fencing. The world is quiet, as if it had been hushed by a scolding parent. Save for the angry crunching stomps of my sister.

I break into a run, take a spinning leap above her head, and land in front of her with sharp eyes of my own. I look down at Lesedi, it’s strange, after looking up at Othin so much I forget how much taller I am than everyone else.

Lesedi crosses her arms leaning back without the slightest hint of being intimidated. “Nice trick.” Her voice is flat and sarcastic.

I groan and pull at my hair; I pause as one of my fingers get stuck in a knot. “What is your problem?” I grunt as I free my stuck finger with a ripping sound.

Lesedi leans forwards and pokes me in the chest. “What’s my problem? What’s yours?”

On instinct I grab her wrist and twist pulling the arm to the side disabled. My sister pulls against my grip yelling. “Suns Talea! This is what I’m talking about!” I release her wrist ready to apologize but I don’t get the opening. “I know something is going on. Why won’t you tell me?”

Silence falls over us, the wind picks up and all I can hear is a howl of the cold breeze. My voice loses its confidence and falls to a meek whisper. “I can’t tell you.”

Lesedi reached towards me and grabs my forearm. This time I restrain myself so I don’t throat punch her. She turns my arm over to reveal half a dozen bruises in different shades of purple. “You can’t tell me about these?” She grabs my other arm revealing more bruises up my biceps. “Or these? I’m not an idiot Talea. You’re doing something dangerous.”

I shake my head trying to look nonchalant as I look away. “Psh. Come on, I’m clumsy. I’ve been doing a lot of new exercises, sometimes I mess them up.” I look back towards her, she’s unconvinced. “Oh! I’ve been running in the woods, those branches can smack at me and I-“

“I know you’ve been sneaking out at night.” The sentence falls on my ears and I feel my chest tighten. I can’t breathe. My stomach ties in knots fluttering so hard I feel like I’ll vomit.

I open my mouth to make a defense but nothing comes out. I stare at her gaping in stunned silence unable to utter a sound. How does she know? I’ve been so careful, well, at least I’ve tried to be careful. Maybe she doesn’t know, maybe she’s guessing or trying to rile me up. Too much time passes without me saying anything, I can feel it. But I can’t think of anything to say that will make this better.

Lesedi lets go of my arms, sighs, and walks away. “That silence? That’s you confirming my suspicions.”

I run after my sister feeling panic rise like floodwaters. “Lesedi wait!” She doesn’t turn around. “You don’t know. I can explain.”

She spins around in a flash and steps towards me with enraged eyes and a face full of fury. She’s boiling inside and struggling to keep her rage in check. “Now you want to explain? You’ve been lying to me for almost a month and now you want to be honest?”

I sigh feeling my limbs go weak. My whole body feels heavy and my knees are shaking. It’s like a boulder fell out of the sky and crushed me to the ground. That might be a bit better. “Ok, I’ll tell you the truth. But you’ve got to promise to not freak out about it and tell the family.”

She crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow. “I will promise no such thing.”

I roll my eyes and groan. “Lesedi!” She stares at me in silence. I take a collecting breath and grunt one more time feeling beyond frustrated. “Ok. Yes. I’ve been sneaking out at night.”

Her voice is monotone and sarcastic. “Oh wow. I’m so surprised.”

My brain races trying to find words to say, I’m terrible with words. All I manage to do is dig myself a hole. “I’ve been training, trying to get stronger. Faster. Better.”

Lesedi shakes her head. “Why? Talea what caused this obsession? You’re already stronger than the rest of us, you even beat Alaric arm wrestling the other day!”

I shoot my arms into the air and take an aggressive stomp towards her. “It’s not enough!”

“Why?!” Lesedi’s bellows her words with a hostility I’ve never seen in her before.

I shrink back. My voice falls quiet. “I can’t tell you.”

I hear a sharp intake of breath through Lesedi’s nostrils as she makes a desperate attempt to keep her composure. She’s got a temper as hot as mine, but it’s so important to her that she leashes it. “Tell me everything or I tell Wren you’ve been sneaking out.”

“No, you can’t!” She stares me down. She’s so much smaller than me, I could snap her like a twig if I wanted to, but she still intimidates me. She has this presence that’s so much more powerful than she is. I relent. “I’m being put out at the end of lune.”

“What?!”

I ignore her and keep talking. “Trigan knows people in the caravans. They’ll take me on and get me to Thraz.”

Lesedi’s anger boils again. “How can they do this to you?! They’re just going to drop you into a slum full of thugs? Alone?” I nod. “This is ridiculous! I need to talk to Wren.”

She storms off towards the house. On instinct I reach forward, grab her wrist, and spin her towards me pinning both arms behind her back. “You can’t. Wren asked me not to tell you.”

My sister grunts trying to struggle against my grip. “Why would she do that to me? I deserve to know if my sister is leaving. We can figure this out together!”

“That’s why. She’s afraid you’ll come to Thraz with me and get hurt. It’s not the place for you.”

Lesedi thrashes against me so I let her go before she hurts herself. Her body trips forward and she catches herself. Trying to keep her proper composure she smooths out her dress and takes a breath. “I’m sick of people trying to decide my future for me. I make my own choices and to the void with anyone that tries to manipulate me otherwise. I’m coming to Thraz with you.”

“No Lesedi you can’t!”

She points at me with one finger. “Never tell me I can’t again. I will do as I please, I’m not a child. Besides, you clearly are strong enough to keep me safe. I bet you could give those northern thugs a run for their money.”

I have no words to say. What could I have to add that would deter her from this? She can’t go to Thraz! I could beat up some brutes for her, but I can’t protect her against the black blossom and the disease infested rikue. I have no skills that could make us enough coin to live anywhere but the dankest of grottos.

Lesedi tilts her head to the side and pinches her chin. That’s never a good sign for me, it always precedes her figuring something out. Which always lands me in trouble. “Who trained you? I have no books on fighting. Trigan and Alaric are carpenters. If you’ve been sneaking out at night to train, to whom have you been going?”

My heart stops. I have no lies to give her. No half-truths. I hang my head in shame giving in. “I met a man.”

Lesedi gestures her hands into the air and shakes her head. “Of course, it’s for a boy.”

I wish this was only about a boy, it would be a lot easier. I look around to check if anyone’s eavesdropping. I take a moment and close my eyes ignoring the sounds, the smells, the feeling on my skin. The world blackens and I can feel no one in it. We’re alone.

“Talea what are-“

I hush her with my finger and open my eyes again. “The family can’t find out about this. They can’t.”

Lesedi frowns. “About your mystery man? Is he really that bad?”

I stutter out some squeaking sounds trying to answer. “Uh, no. It’s just complicated.”

Her face loses emotion and goes cold. She clasps her hands together in front of herself and straightens her back. Oh no. “Is he a murderer?”

I pause, is what Othin does murder? No, no he kills idiots that challenge him even though he’s undefeatable. That’s self-defense. “No, not a murderer.”

“Did he commit a crime? There are bandits and other outcasts that roam the plains after being banished from the cities. They tend to not live long, but Talea if that’s it the family can understand it.”

I shake my head. “No, he’s not a banished criminal.” I let out a quiet laugh like it’s ridiculous until I realize the truth is so much worse.

Lesedi’s previous cold burning anger transforms into grief. She can’t even hide it in her face. Her voice is quiet and hurt. “Then he’s a nightstalker.”

I can’t breathe. I try to speak but all that comes out is pathetic squeaking noises. Lesedi shakes her head again. “It’s the only logical deduction based on the context I have. Only a bandit or a nightstalker would be reckless and wild enough to take you out at night. You’ve discounted one, thus it must be the other.”

I puff out a long breath and flail my hands to the sides. I lean back and drop to the hard snow. “Why do you have to be so smart?”

“Perhaps to compensate for you.” She picks up the long panel of her veya, this one has long dark blue sleeves, and tucks it under her legs in neat Lesedi fashion and kneels beside me. “One of us has to be able to think.”

I feel moisture absorbing into my tunic, but I’m not cold. Not on the outside anyway. I keep my eyes focused on the blue sky above unable to look at my sister. “How did you know I was sneaking out at night?”

I hear her sigh. “You kept leaving the door unlocked. I’m the first one up most days and I kept noticing the door wasn’t locked at sunrise.”

I gasp and sit up. “What? No, I’m careful! I bring my key with me and lock it after I leave!”

Lesedi purses her lips. “Yes, but do you lock it after you come back?”

I groan again and rub my temples. “Ugh. I’m an idiot.”

She stares off into the distance with cold eyes. “Yes.” Her neck cranes as she turns back to me. “This needs to end.”

I cringe as I look at her. “I love him.”

She stands up shaking her head. “Fine.” She turns her back to me walking off into the snow.

I don’t go after her, but I call out to her. “Lesedi, are we ok?”

She doesn’t turn back to look at me. All I hear is an icy voice on the breeze. “No.”

Tears well up in my eyes and my breath catches. Chill feels me and I feel a void crack open between us. The consequences to my choices fall on me like an avalanche. I’m losing my sister.