Justin

"Justin," Richard said quietly through the door. "It's time to get up. You're meeting with Susan this morning."

I groaned. The clock read 8:30 when I rolled over and I was reminded how much I hated life. "Alright." My reply was groggy.

The temperature was starting to drop quickly. I felt it when I stepped into the bathroom and the frigid tile touched my feet. Nonetheless, I turned the shower knob to the coldest it could possible go. The icy water hit my back and woke me up immediately. I lay my head against the shower door, my skin going numb under the faucet.

It was shitty morning. Richard made eggs but I opted for just a banana instead. It was an asshole thing maybe but it was early; too early to eat.

"I'll pick you up in an hour." Richard said when we pulled up to the familiar place that became my home for the summer.

"I don't understand why I couldn't just drive myself here." I muttered, nursing the warm coffee Richard made for me at home. "And why I still have to do this shit. It's not like any of these doctors really give a fuck anyway."

It was one of those days. "I'll pick you up in an hour." He repeated, unlocking the door with finality.

The women at the desk smiled widely at me, telling me how wonderful I looked that day and how happy they were to see me. I knew in translation that meant how happy they were to see I hadn't been dead and buried yet.

"We'll start whenever you're ready, Justin." Susan said with a kind smile. I stared at the timer next to her, the ticking only growing louder and only annoying me more and more. "Would you like me to shut this off?" She offered.

I shrugged and she did. Then, she turned back to me, waiting for me to say something. She sighed. "Would you like to take your hood off? So I can fully see your face?"

"It's cold in here."

The smile came back. "So he speaks." I rolled my eyes. "You don't look too well today, Justin. Tell me about it."

"I just don't get why I'm here multiple times a week."

"What do you-"

"I've told you my entire life story. I've told you just about every memory I'd ever had before and after the incident. I've relived every single shitty experience I've ever had. What more could you possibly want from me?"

"That's a fair statement, Justin." Susan nodded. "Do you want me to tell you what I think?"

I snorted. "Go right ahead." I sat back with my arms across my chest.

"You've been through a lot; I don't need to tell you that. And I'm not here to tell you that it's important to know that it's not your fault, it never has been and it will get better over time. You don't want to hear any of that. I try not to make it my job to give the stereotypical therapist advice."

"Then what is your job?" I raised an eyebrow.

Susan leaned forward. "You've lived a life of someone else and you've had no control. My job is to finally provide you with someone who will listen to you and do what's really right. You think everyone's against you, Justin. But you have someone sitting right across from you who truly wants to listen, who wants to hear anything you have to say. I just wished you'd take advantage of all of this."

"My Uncle loves me." I defended. "I don't care what any of you people think."

"I know he does." Susan said softly. "But maybe he doesn't fully understand you. I don't think he's ever tried."

"Isn't it your job to also not pass any judgment?"

She chuckled. "Maybe. So let's try again; how are you feeling today, Justin?"

I heaved a sigh, giving up. "Tired. Irritated. Sad."

"Good," Susan nodded. "Let's start with tired." Her notepad was set on the floor and I felt better. I wasn't being studied today. It was just a conversation between two people. The genuine care in Susan's eyes undid the lock. I started talking and didn't stop.

"I'm exhausted. Some days, I sleep so much because I have nothing else to do and really just have to motivation to get out of bed. My mind shuts down and I don't have to think or feel. Other nights, I'm up until sunrise just thinking. About nothing and everything. Like my mind never shuts off. It never stops speaking."

"What does it say?"

"Replays everything. Reminds me. If I had just reacted this way, then that wouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have said this and done that. That if I had woken up just a little earlier that day, maybe she'd still be alive. I should have just gotten into the car and left for Maine; I shouldn't have gone to her house to get my stuff back." I rubbed a hand over my head to drag my hood off. "Jesus, I'm crazy."

"We all have that, Justin. I guess it makes everyone crazier than they're willing to admit. Everything happens for a reason, even in some sick scenarios. You wouldn't be sitting in front of me right now if you hadn't been admitted into the hospital. You wouldn't be getting treatment. Who knows what you'd be doing right now in Maine? Are you controlling you anger?"

I nodded. "I feel the anger but it's really deep. I think I'm too tired to do anything about it. I'm not lashing out anymore. I'm just really tired."

"That's great. What is your biggest regret, Justin? In your entire life, what have you regret the most?"

I chewed on my bottom lip, thinking about it. I had so many regrets, too many to even name. I regretted things I didn't even have control over. I regretted being born. I regretted being a burden to everyone. I regretted not taking advantage of my time with my mom.

"I regret telling her to leave that day."

"Do you miss her?"

"It's hard, knowing that her house is right there and she's so close. It hurts."

"Tell me about it."

"We're not right for each other. We're so alike but at the same time, we're so different. And we say mean things to each other."

"All couples do that sometimes."

I shook my head. "Yeah, but they don't mean them. But us-we say horrible things to each other and the problem is that they're true. We use our weaknesses against each other and that's not a healthy relationship. Neither of us deserved that. I'm not good for her and she's not good for me. We both knew but it took one of us to do something about it."

"That's a very mature decision." Susan nodded. "So why do you regret telling her to leave?"

"I should have sat her down and explained that to her. I should have talked things out. That's another issue we have, we don't talk about things. We just jump to conclusion and that's that. But just sending her away, upset and confused, that wasn't fair. I regret my selfishness."

"Do you still love her? Even after not seeing her for a while?"

"I'll always love her. Even if I never see her again, I will always love her."

Susan nodded and I raised an eyebrow. "What? No opinion?"

She smiled slightly. "What about the sadness?"

I shrugged. "Not much to tell. I'm always sad. Always depressed."

Susan didn't find the joke funny. "Do you find the antidepressants work?"

When I take them? "Sure."

"Maybe we find some things that you like doing. You can try to manage the sadness."

"What's the use? It will still always be in the back of my mind, a dark blur of nothing. There's no point in denying it. The darkness is a part of me now."

"What's your biggest fear, Justin?"

"I've been through it all." I said darkly. "I don't fear anything. Not anymore."

One of my favorite things of being a mental case was watching Richard dance around me on his toes. He looked terrified to set me off. It gave me a rush of smugness because I used to feel the same way about him. It was nice to see him when he couldn't control things.

He was standing at the kitchen counter chopping vegetables for dinner. I was bored and needed something to do. Richard was the only target.

I opened the snack pantry and leaned down. "There are no fruit snacks left." I deadpanned.

The knife stopped in his hand. "Dr. Mare said a lot of sugar isn't good mixed with all of your medication. Besides, we're eating dinner in about an hour."

I sighed loudly. "I don't eat them that often. I haven't had a lot to eat today and I'm hungry now." I whined a bit. "Damn it." I added for good measure.

"Would you like me to go get some after dinner?"

"No forget it." I slammed the pantry door shut.

I didn't miss Richard's flinch. "It's alright; I'll just go and grab some while the food is cooling down. Okay?"

I smiled. "Great, thanks Uncle Richard."

After we ate dinner, I took my new box of fruit snacks out onto the back patio. The October air was frigid so I wrapped myself in a blanket and sat on my usual old plastic chair. The sound of the wind mixed with the sight of the moon on the edge of the lake was beautiful.

I leaned back in my chair and stared out, inhaling and exhaling along with the wind. I didn't remember when we moved here but I could imagine that my mom took one look at the view and took it right away. The house could have been a thousand years old and haunted but she still would have recklessly bought it. Because when she saw something and she wanted it, there was no stopping her. Regardless of the consequences.

I was so graciously blessed with the privilege of being so much like her; we were the same person in two different bodies.

I mentally apologized to her for making such a mess of the only living representation of her that was left anymore. I apologized for making her have to watch.

I was out longer than I'd originally thought because Richard came out to get me. "It's getting late Justin, you should get to bed."

"I'll be right there." I said distantly.

He stepped out next to me. "What are you thinking about?"

"Mom," A firefly rose from its spot in the grass and floated up. I watched it until it was too far for my eyes to see. "I miss her."

"Hm." Richard huffed and I knew that was agreement. We were quiet for a few minutes. It was actually nice. Then, out of nowhere, I felt pressure on my shoulders that immediately hit me in the stomach. It was a tight, uncomfortable feeling and I didn't like it.

Richard took his hands off me right away when I flinched back. He watched me in confusion and a bit of hurt.

"I'm, uh, I think I'm gonna go to bed." I turned without another word or look.

I stayed up once I shut my bedroom door. Richard was just trying to be comforting. But I didn't like being touched. I never really had a problem with it until I hit my teens. Then, I flinched away at any touch that didn't feel right. Especially that felt too intimate.

It was one of those nights where I would lay in bed, staring at the wall, until 6:30. I knew it was going to be a shitty day when Richard knocked on my door at 9:00 on the dot.

Hope you guys liked this chapter! Thank you so much for all of your love on this story so far.

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