"i'm fine," she said, like a lair

✧ 

　. . . she thought. You're fucking crazy.

Rue Newby always wondered when the guilt of what happened to Ava Fleur might hit. She didn't expect it to run her over like a train when she was sleeping, reliving the afternoon everything went to more shit than before.

She questioned why she felt so horrible, Rue hasn't cried in months. Why start now? Maybe she went numb for those few months. It was her body screaming at her to stop burying those feelings she should be expressing. Those emotions that made her human.

Angry tears ran down her face as she ran to the bathroom at four in the morning.

　Rue placed her hands on the sides of the sink, gripping it tightly her knuckles turned white. She doesn't even recall what happened that day, only that one minute she was being hit by bats, and the next she saw Ava on the ground, the pipe they'd always joke about, pointing out from her stomach.

She stared at herself in the mirror with; puffy nose and bloodshot green eyes. Rue stood a deep breath, wiping her eyes, she flashed that familiar fake smile at her reflection. And then, she saw it. Her smile no longer looked convincing.

Rue smiled harder, but now she looked insane. Her smile dropped as she glared at herself. Rue felt the word "Murderer," written on her forehead, which was ridiculous because Rue didn't even do it . . . Did she?

No, she didn't! She didn't even touch the guy who crashed her mother's car . . . she only threatened him . . . and Ava, oh, sweet Ava. Rue didn't touch her either. It seemed like this horrible fate followed her, ready to kill. Maybe Rue Newby is cursed? But then why hasn't anyone else died?

Rue looked down at her hands, and for a second, she saw them covered in blood. She shook her head, thinking things were getting out of hand.

She watched as the tears slipped from her eyes, one following the other. Her eyes dropped down the cabinet under the sink.

It felt like a magnet was pulling as she rushed to grab the first thing she saw. Rue's sight was blurry when she stood back up, scissors in hand. Rue blinked away her tears, throat aching as she wiped her eyes.

Her cheeks were tear-stained.

Stop crying.

Gripping the scissor handles tighter, she used her other hand to pull on her ponytail and hold it down, lifting the scissors, ready to cut it.

Rue felt like an old glass doll. Cracking and falling apart. She was slipping from the shelf and going to fall on the floor, shattering. And she wondered, how much longer is she going to hold up this; everything-is-great-thanks-for-asking, act?

It was an impulsive act. Rue had no idea what she was thinking. In fact, Rue Newby wasn't thinking. Her body was doing its own thing as she felt like a ghost watching it happen.

She kept snipping and snipping until she got to the other side of the head. Rue sniffled as her amber hair slid down her shoulders and fell to the sink and floor.

She looked at herself in the mirror again, lifting a shaky hand to run through her hair that now stopped just a little over her shoulders. Rue made eye contact with herself once again, still unhappy, parting her hair in front of her face then cutting it to create bangs.

A bob haircut, how ironic.

Max came to her mind, her smile, her ginger hair, her freckles, her blue eyes. Rue continued to run her fingers through her hair, wondering if Max would like it.

Clearing her throat, Rue passed a brush through her new hair. Now, being able to hear her conscience telling her how stupid she was for cutting it. Why did it speak now? After she cut it.

She ignored it, listening to the footsteps coming towards the bathroom instead.

Quickly, she looked over to the doorknob. The lock twisted shut just by the simple look of her eyes. Rue blinked several times at the action but didn't have much time to think about it as someone tried to get in. She rushed to clear off the mess of hair.

　Rue?" she heard her dad knock.

"Uh . . . yeah, dad?" she jumped up from putting the scissors back, staring at her reflection in fear.

"I thought I heard something — "

"No — no just me, you know?" she shook her head, "S-sorry if I scared you," she stuttered, "I needed to . . . pee?" she spoke unsurely.

Bob was too tired to question her more and nodded from the other side, only to remember she couldn't see him, so he hummed. "Okay — just don't stay up too late." His footsteps started to fade away.

Rue sighed, frowning when she looked at herself. "It looks like Ava's hair . . ." she mumbled.

Staring at herself a little longer, she started to burst into light giggles. "I'm going crazy," she giggled to herself in disbelief, then finishing to clean everything up.

（ ₊˚. ✰┊📼 ! ）

Rue's alarm went off with loud beeps. The girl groaned, shutting it off before pulling the sheets off her body. Rue lazily stood up from her bed, her bare feet hitting the soft carpet in her room.

Half asleep, she grabbed her Walkman from her desk, putting on her headphones and pressing play, then hooking the Walkman to her pants. Highway To Hell by AC/DC blared in her ears.

She bopped her head to the rock song, walking over to the bathroom across the hall. She turned the tap on, rinsing her dry toothbrush before adding the toothpaste and brushing her teeth.

"Season ticket on a one-way ride . . . " Brian Johnson sang, and she hummed along with the song, using her toothbrush as a microphone.

Rue looked at herself in the mirror, bouncing slightly with the song, her eyes widening at the mess her hair was. Rue, completely forgetting what she did to herself the night before, spits out the toothpaste before washing her face.

"No, no! Oh, God no." She muttered in disbelief, running her fingers through her new bangs sitting on her forehead and her now shoulder-length locks. "No, no, no, no, no! I thought it was a dream!" she said, then running over to the trash to find her long curls sitting.

Rue shook her head, trying to move on and forget about it. It doesn't look that bad — She tried to convince herself — It looks nice. She forced a smile on herself in the mirror, then walking back to her room, the song still playing while she started to get dressed.

Rue decided to keep her hair down, thinking it won't make the new hair cut noticeable. But who was she kidding?

She slid into the kitchen, her head bopping along to the next song Bad To The Bone started to play as she grabbed a bowl for her breakfast. The girl was too into the song to notice when her dad walked into the kitchen, watching his daughter dance as she made herself cereal.

She finally turned around, letting out a screech when she found her father standing there with an amused smile on his face. Rue paused the song, pulling the headphone down to her shoulders and walked over to the dining room and placed her bowl on the table, her face reddening in embarrassment.

"No, don't stop because of me!" Bob grinned, moving to sit next to her with his cup of coffee.

Rue playfully rolled her eyes as he pinched her nose. The two sat quietly, enjoying each other's presence, until they heard a car honk from outside. "Who's that?" her dad asked.

"Oh, crap," Rue muttered, rushing to finish eating and packing her jersey and everything she needs in her bags. "Shoot — " she fell on the floor as she hurried to put on her shoes.

"Who is that, Rue?" Bob asked again.

"It's my friend Steve! I forgot he said he was gonna take me to school today," she said with an apologetic look on her face. "I'm sorry — "

" — Don't apologize," Bob said, giving her a quick kiss on her forehead. "I love what you did to your hair, by the way."

Rue smiled and hugged him, "I'll see you at the game! 'Love you!" she called before walking outside, her school bag on her back, her baseball bag in one hand and her bat in the other. She ran down to the car, struggling to open the passenger seat door, then motioned for Steve to open it for her.

"Jesus, Newby, you going camping or something?" Steve asked, watching as she threw all her stuff to the back seat. "What's with the bat? Who are you beating up?"

Rue chuckled, clicking on her seatbelt. "I have a game right after school," she huffed, leaning her head back on the seat as he started to take off.

"That's tough — " he started, turning out of the neighbourhood, "Hey, I made you a new mixtape," he said, using one hand to look for it in his pocket while the other stayed on the wheel.

Rue's eyes beamed as he gave her the small cassette, "Side A has some Queen, AC/DC, Madonna. Side B has Bon Jovi, A-Ah, The Police — "

"Thank you, Steve," she said in disbelief, the fall air hitting her face from the open window. "This is amazing-"

Steve grinned, staring at the road, his hair flowing with the breeze. "Anything for you, Newby." He said, making her snort a laugh, her green eyes beaming as she replaced her old mixtape with the new one, excited to start listening to it later. "Also," he began, "what on Earth have you done to your hair?"

Rue frowned, passing a hand over the bangs insecurely.

Steve noticed, and his face went soft, "Not that I hate it! It looks great on you — really features your face — is that what you call it?" he asked himself while Rue smirked. "I mean you look like that girl who sits behind me in one of my classes — what's her name? Tibin — Nobin? — whatever. It's like a new you — new — new Rue Newby. Rue without bangs and short hair? Psshh don't know her — "

"You can stop now," she said, and he nodded, turning the corner to the school. "Your hair is nice too," she grinned, leaning over and pulling the sunglasses he had in his hair, putting them on.

"We're here!" Steve said, stopping his car before Hawkins Middle's entrance. "Thank you for using Harrington Airlines," he joked as Rue got out and started to pull out all her bags. "Wait — " he said when he spotted the wooden bat on the floor.

"Here you almost forgot." he handed it to her before she closed the door.

"Thank you, Steve Harrington!" she said through the open window, squinting as the sun hit her face. "I'm keeping your glasses, by the way!"

Steve playfully rolled his eyes and smiled at her, "Anytime, Newby. Good luck on your game."

"Bye, Steve," she laughed as he drove across the street towards the highschool.

　"Was that Steve Harrington?" a voice said behind her, making her jump and turn around to find Dustin. "Did you just come to school with Steve Harrington — ? Woah-ho-ho! Your hair!"

"Nice to see you too, Dustin," she said, trying to shuffle everything in her hands.

"Yeah, yeah — " he nodded, "nice to see you, Rue." He helped her with one of her bags.

"Thank you," she said, grateful that she only had to hold a bat. "Also, for your information — Steve is a great guy."

"Sure he is," he nodded sarcastically.

"Where are the others?"

Dustin looked around the yard, "I was just going to ask."

They both looked around a few times, still finding nothing until they heard Mike's loud voice in the distance.

"Stop being a baby and do it already!"

Rue and Dustin looked at each other before following his voice. The two walked behind the school to find Mike and Max standing by the garbage bins.

"This is so disgusting. Is this really necessary?" Max scoffed, leaning on a large stick.

"What the Hell's going on?" Dustin asked, waving his free hand in the air.

Mike scrunched up his nose at the question, "What do you think? We're looking for Dart." Mike rolled his eyes.

"We're looking for Dart," Rue mocked him under her breath, then looked up as Dustin snickered.

Two trash bags flew out of the large can, making Rue jump away and stand behind Dustin.

"Jesus," he mumbled as Lucas started to climb out of the trash.

"Well, well, well," he huffed after hopping out, glaring at Dustin. "Look who finally decided to show up after I drew the short straw — really convenient." He put both his hands on his hips.

"You stink," Max said out of the blue, moving away from Lucas to stand next to Rue.

Max stared at her for a while, gawking at her hair. Rue awkwardly tucked a strand behind her ear.

"Where's Will?" asked Lucas, looking over at Rue.

"He wasn't with me today," she shrugged.

"He's coming," Mike said without looking at them. He tossed Rue a stick, Lucas doing the same to Dustin, both of them catching it with their free hand.

"Are you two just going to stand there or are you gonna help?"

（ ₊˚. ✰┊📼 ! ）

"So, why'd you cut your hair?" Max asked as she played with Rue's hair, making her heart race miles per hour.

They sat by the entrance of the school for lunch, not before Lucas and Rue had run into the cafeteria to get those famous cookies, and not just one, but at least ten of them. Lucas sat with Dustin a few feet away, eating their half of the cookies, while Rue and Max enjoyed theirs.

Rue shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know." she mumbled, her eyes fluttering shut as the feeling of Max's fingers running through her hair. She wished she could stay like this forever. Appreciating the sun with Steve's sunglasses, while Max played with her hair.

Mike came running, stopping everyone's conversations. "We need to talk, A.V room, right now!" he said in a rush, all of them hurrying to grab their stuff. "Party members only," he added after he saw the two girls start to climb up the stairs.

"Come on, Mike," Dustin tried to argue only for Mike to shake his head.

"No! This is non-negotiable!" He ran inside, not letting them say anything.

"Sorry," Dustin apologized, only for Rue to shake her head.

"It's fine," she smiled at him, "I understand," she said.

They left.

"Well — I don't understand," Max exclaimed, turning around and stomping down the stairs.

Rue followed her, confused. Just before she could get a peep out, Max spun around quickly, her face burning red.

"Rue, you can't keep letting Mike step over you."

"What?"

Max sighed and smiled at her sincerely, "You know, you can always talk to me, right?"

Rue's mouth opened and closed, and she found herself frowning, "What are you talking about? What does that have to do with Mike?"

"I can tell when something's bugging someone and it's really clear something's bugging you. Maybe the boys can't see through you, but I can . . . "

Rue took off the sunglasses, sliding them up to her head. She could feel the heat rushing to her face at the fact she's been caught in her act. But she wasn't going to give up now. No . . . the show must go on.

Rue smiled sheepishly.

"I'm fine," she said, you know, like a liar.

Max's face went as red as her hair, and Rue regretted pulling the sunglasses away; Max could see the way her face smiled, but her eyes didn't.

"Don't lie! You're not!" She exclaimed, "You're — you're not fine! stop lying to yourself! And everyone else! Stop lying to me!"

Rue felt herself becoming smaller, she felt stupid, guilty, and the weight on her shoulders only kept growing. She didn't like this feeling, she didn't like feeling. Rue wished she could still hold up the: everything-is-great-thanks-for-asking, act.

Grimacing at her, Max knew better than anyone else that 'I'm fine' meant you're not. It was just a cover-up of all the pain someone's holding up, I'm fine was a morse code for seeking help. Max would know since she'd say it all the time.

"You're hiding something, and it's hurting you. It's not healthy to hold everything in, you're going to break at some point."

If only she knew Rue was already breaking.

Rue stood in shock that someone could read her just as thoroughly as she can read others. Rue didn't know if she should feel flattered that someone noticed she needed help or if she should be panicked that Max will throw a pity party.

She could tell Max doesn't mean any harm; she could read it in her beautiful blue eyes that matched the sweater Rue wore that day.

Swallowing her sobs and lowering the sunglasses to hide the way her green eye teared up, Rue bit her tongue down and smiled, like she always did.

"I'm sorry, but I have a game to go to," she spoke slowly. Her voice was low and quiet, scared that if she spoke any louder, she'd burst into tears.

Rue turned around to grab all her stuff from the stairs and walked off. When she felt like she was out of sight, she looked back to see Max leaning on the steps in defeat.

Rue shrugged off the heavy feeling on her chest and kept walking, not knowing that the next time she'd see Max, she would have finally cracked. 

（ ₊˚. ✰┊📼 ! ）

it's nice to know that

max was the only one

to notice rue needed help