Hey Journal it's been awhile, I have been feeling some strain lately with day to day life. I do appreciate the good people around me, and wanting to be the gentleman to everybody I meet.

I really wanted to be the amazing impact to people and to myself since I encountered the concept of being a hero. When I saved my friend's little sister at a young age, I fell in love with the idea of being a hero to everyone in need of one who are in need of one. I faced many oppressive challenges as I grew. My siblings being the main target of me wanting to be the best to them till the point I just didn't want the responsibility of being amazing in a consistent manner. I turned negative very quickly with the regular beatings from dad, bullying remarks from friends and family. I was just too sensitive for the time I was trying hard to be the hero.

After several years, the negative spite and hate of everything finally took over. The only positive thing left in my life was my mother when she wasn't sleeping all the time, and my dog. I would keep to myself whenever possible, I withdrew even further because of the constant changing of households and schools. I started creating dramas, adventures, and mystery's with my toys. I would rarely want to spend time with anyone whenever possible. I literally had to be dragged out of houses when moving and eating out at restaurants.

My grandma noticed my negative switch from staying positive to hating everything. She loved it and encouraged my behaviour. Then she spun it around for me to realize that's just the way life is for most people. She saved me when I wanted to watch the world burn, she saved me from becoming psychotic person.

when I got to my high school years my ideal of being a hero to everyone started taking root once more. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone by being as pleasant as possible. By being a positive person with nothing else going on, I can get myself lost in video games and just laying in bed thinking of scenarios of the good and bad with choices I could have made, if I was more social. I envied being a prisoner to the rules and etiquettes of socializing with others. I envied the people in codependent relationships, one person supporting the other.

Because of those things I envied I got into a toxic relationship where I was jealous and the person I was with was jealous as well. I was constantly sought after, but I turned them all down in my belief of being loyal no matter what. The person I was with was sought after as well but didn't turn down those people, but welcomed it. As this went on for a period of time, I just walked away from the relationship, and never went back.

She hurt me a lot for different reasons, one main one was when I needed some time alone and she seeked attention from me. She start hitting me with light objects at first, then heavy objects as I ignored her. Finally until I once more sat her down for the one on one talk that I need my space sometimes just for an hour or two. Then I'll devote the rest to cleaning the place, making food, and giving one sided pleasure, because I wasn't in the mode. My drive isn't as big as hers. At the start I thought my drive for satisfaction was larger, but as time went on. I just felt like a toy for her, an object, and I was treated as one.

Majority of the time I wanted to be a hero for her and everyone, but her jealously for special treatment from me and others grew to the point where she consistently took advantage of me. Sure she would sweetly tell me things to keep me happy for a short while, but her actions suggested a take care of her as if she was enfeebled. I wish for a great partner and she kept promising she was the one for me. I eventually realized how bad it was and left. My standards for my next relationship isn't high, just someone that can cook and clean as well. A simple hi and a hug once a week is just fine for me for a relationship.

Journal my thoughts and actions of wanting to be a hero has evolved since then as well. I toned down how much I put into being self sacrificing for others, and tried just making a nice place where I live. Now how want to tinker with complex machinery in the future. Solving puzzles is one of the things that brings me great joy. The problem solving skills can only help for so long in a relationship one the other side says "sure, I can do that if you do this?". I do my part but the other side doesn't follow through.

Dear journal I don't mind being a sidekick to a different heroic person. I will give my all to the next good person I go with. Sure my confidence is poor in some regards but I love listening to others and help them vent, as well as problem solve alongside them. With that I have high confidence in of being another's confidante. I also make sure to keep secret of anything discussed with me unless the person speaks openly about it.

Until next time journal, I shall remain alone for the time being, and looking forward to studying blueprints on machinery. Someone new will eventually pop up, but my standards are set for sure since my last toxic relationship. This from a happy go lucky daydreaming worker, that shifts into a somber thinking mode from time to time.