Emily I

Eternal friendship is supposed to be eternal, right? We cannot predict it, we cannot see it, feel it. It’s just there. It cannot be broken, merely tested. I think that’s what’s going on right now with Cody and me. It’s been being tested ever since the start of summer. It’s been wrong ever since Cody decided to date, Ellie. He just grew more and more distant until eventually…

Then Ellie died and he hasn’t been the same since.

I close my eyes so I can hear the soft rain hitting my window a bit better. The sun isn’t even up yet. I don’t think it ever has.

Today I feel like an oversized t-shirt whose sleeves cover my entire arms. A red skirt underneath and tights under those. As always, the black bandana around my wrist. I braid the back of my hair into a ponytail and head downstairs to begin the day.

As usual, Dad isn’t home but I don’t ever expect him to be. He always leaves the Keurig brewing just for me and a note telling me to have a good day.

I read through all the text messages I miss. Some from Sara, some from our friend Carlos, even more from Andrew. None from Cody. Reading’s Sara’s text about how Grace never talks to us without us asking her a question reminds me that I never got her number. That’s going to be the first thing I do when I see her.

I close my phone and hear just how quiet this house can be sometimes.

Chris stands in the middle of the school’s entrance staring at the sky. Today marks the 300th straight day I’ve seen him with his green parka. It’s become its own legend at this point. Everyone wants to know exactly what’s in those pockets. The truth is unless we’re going out, there’s nothing. Chris isn’t actually stupid enough to carry with him at all times. He’s far from stupid, to begin with.

I say hi but he ignores me as usual as he’s stuck in his own little world. Sara once asked him why he’s always staring at the sky. Chris said, “I like watching the clouds move by with the birds. The two play this beautiful song of harmonics.” We had no idea what he meant so we just left it at that. Chris is by far one of the most interesting people I’ve met when he’s sober. It’s a shame he hardly ever is. Cody can’t even convince him to quit. The two have been best friends just as long as I've known the two. We all grew up together.

Speaking of Cody, he shows up for school for once. He’s staring at me from across the street. He’s just dying to come to talk to me, just like I’m dying to talk to him. Yet he won’t, but I try all the time. I’ve told him time and time again that I’m not afraid of him but he just won’t listen. It aches me knowing he’s been hurting and won’t let me in. What kind of best friend is that?

How does that live up to the promise we made to each other?

Everyone’s right, his eyes are intoxicating but they don’t work on me anymore. I stare back at him, daring him to man up. I just want my friend back. Nobody can make him break eye contact when he watches you, I can. Cody turns his back and walks away from the school.

I text him: u can’t run 4ever

I watch him read it, then after days of trying, he texts back: I’m not

But he is. He’s afraid of doing what he did to Elizabeth, to me. Cody blames himself for her death. How do I tell him he wasn’t?

What I told Grace two days ago is the truth. Nobody knows what happened. All we could do is put the pieces together, which we tried. There are just too many other pieces missing.

How do I tell him it’s my fault she died too?

How do I tell Grace? The poor girl, I can’t even imagine going through what she went through. Even before then, she’s someone who hasn’t made very many friends. She’s so naive and underdeveloped it’s hard not to feel bad for her. No one deserves to be alone. She’s my friend for that reason.

I catch her putting away her notebooks in her locker. The freshman lockers are on the other side of the building from my class. I stand out from most kids here because of my height, I feel more normal around my peeps. Regardless, Gracie stands out even more. The girl seriously needs some help on how not to look like a stereotype.

“What’s your first class?” I catch her off guard.

“Oh, uh, hi Emily,” she says nervously. Everything she says comes out nervous. I’m not sure she’s aware of that. “I have biology first.”

“Cool,” I extend my palm as a gesture for her to hand me over her phone but she doesn’t get it. “Give me your phone, I’ll give you my number.”

“Oh okay,” I’ll give Grace something, her smile is really cute. She hands me over a beat-up flip phone with a key chain of an anime character I don’t recognize.

I call myself and hand over her phone, “you should get a new one. No one uses flips now.”

“That’s okay, I don’t call anyone except my mom.”

I giggle. “I’ll see you at lunch?”

Gracie nods, holding her phone to her chest and a slight smile that barely shows her braces. “Yeah.”

-

I’ve been friends with Sara since I was a freshman. I’ve always known who she was because of her brother but she never talked to any of his friends. We first talked when we bumped into each other by chance at a Hot Topic in Seattle. I remember she was a bit like how Grace is now. Sara always had her alternative style and has always been pretty. Back then, she was always in the shadow of her brother so she was always shy and had few friends.

Who she was then, isn’t who she is now.

Sara wasn’t hiding.

I think about this while I hear the quiet moans of Lucas while I wait outside of the boys’ bathroom near the gymnasium. Nobody comes here as it’s disconnected from the main building; it’s the perfect place to fuck. This is the fifth time I’ve waited outside this year. I’ve never heard Sara make a pip. I still don’t.

“Hey Ems, she’s all yours,” Lucas says to me with a smirk as he comes out like it’s something to be proud of.

Sara comes out shortly after.

“How long are you going to keep doing this?” I ask her.

“Until I’m fixed.”

I roll my eyes. “While you’re at it, fix being a dumbass too.”

Sara gives me condescending smile, “I’ll try.”

“C’mon, Gracie’s sitting with us again.”

“I’m surprised we haven’t scared her off yet.”

“She’s tough.”

“Try lonely,” Sara laughs. “Whatever dude, you’re not the one who’s gonna be forced to be friends with her after you graduate.”

“She’s just a little lost. I promise she’s cool.”

“You make the weirdest friends,” Sara laughs, then points at herself while we walk to open the doors to head back to the main building. “Exhibit A.”

“Hmm, there’s a long list before I reach you,” I laugh.

We find Grace sitting at our table with Chris. I don’t think the two ever had a proper conversation so they just sit in silence. Shortly after we arrive, our friend Isaac arrives to sit with us. All we’re missing is Cody and Andrew but Cody never comes to school anymore and Andrew is always at Megan’s table.

“So um,” Grace speaks in a lull in our conversation. “I had my very first period the other day.”

That grabs everyone’s attention save for Chris. “Oh my god girlie, no wonder you’re such a little thing,” Isaac says.

I’ve wondered why she looked underdeveloped. I always chopped it up to her being poor or something like that. I guess we were always taught it could happen anywhere between 10 and 15. But then wouldn’t she have a growth spurt before that like everyone else? You can cut her hair and she’ll 100 percent pass as a boy right now.

Sara laughs, “Yo, who starts a conversation like that?”

Reserved now, Gracie says, “Oh, uh, I just wanted to share. I never get to talk about things going on with me.”

“It’s cool, Grace. I was only making a joke. D’you freak out?” Sara asks.

“Obviously!”

“Ew. Like in school?” Isaac giggles.

Gracie shakes her head. “Before I went to bed.”

“You excited?” I smile at her with my head resting on my palm. “You get to catch up to everyone now.”

“Um, I guess.”

Chris looks down from the ceiling for the first time the entire lunch. “Diva de Los Muertos,” he says. Everyone ignores him because it’s gibberish, but translated he said, Diva of the dead. Again, another cryptic sentence. I worry about him.

Before anyone can say anything else, Carlos appears out of nowhere. I’ve never seen him without a smile. I also still haven’t agreed to go on a date with him. Not that he isn’t a bad person, just that I’m done dating now.

I just want…

“What’s up, guys. Andrew found us this dope rave happening tonight. Shit’s gonna be cray, you coming?”

“Yeah, he told me this morning,” Sara answers. “We’ll see.”

“It’s Thursday,” Gracie says.

“What’s wrong with that?” Carlos shrugs. “Come and hang out, show Megan you ain’t a loser, then she’ll stop picking on you.”

“You know about that?”

Carlos shrugs again, “We all know. We feel bad, but you know, It’s Megan, what can you do?”

I look over at Megan’s table. Andrew’s sitting next to her, making her laugh. The only reason he’s there is because he’s trying to fuck Megan’s number 2, Amanda. Guess he’s doing a shit job at it since she’s hardly paying any attention to him. Or maybe that’s part of his game? Either way, it’s peaceful when he doesn’t sit with us so I like it.

“You think Cody is gonna go?” I ask.

“Pfft, the entire school is going now. This shit is supposed to be underground.”

I texted Cody hours before I got ready. I texted him before I left and I texted him right after I arrived. Nothing.

None of that matters anymore. I’m just here to get fucked up. It’s been a while since any of us have gone out. People have been slowly getting into things, but it’s been awkward. Most of the time it’s been kickbacks at the forest’s campsite. There hasn’t been a full-blown rager yet, not in Darkwood at least.

Sara and I stand on the street in Seattle the rave is supposed to be at. It’s just us two and we’re not exactly in the nicest of neighborhoods. We hear the bass of the music but we can’t locate where it’s at.

“You see anyone? Maybe we can follow them,” Sara shivers.

I take a look around and nobody is around. There’s an unusual amount of parked cars around so I’m sure we’re at the right place. Andrew never texted us what building it’s at.

“Has he responded?”

“No.”

“Shit.”

Sara and I walk down the dirty road, past a few abandoned buildings to figure out where the sound is coming from. Eventually, we find where everyone is gathering. The warehouse isn’t exactly pretty. It’s covered in what I think are brush branches that climb to the ceiling. Guess it doesn’t matter.

We walk in as soon as we swallow the pills full of MDMA we had ready for tonight. It’s packed, just like expected. I know nobody but that doesn’t matter. I’m just here to get fucked up. We make our way to the front of the stage where we find Andrew blitzed out of his mind. He’s already so gone that I can’t help but laugh.

I want to be that gone.

The drugs take a while but they kick in. The heat, the sound pressure, the sweat, the lights, and all the chaos; I feel it all. It’s so damn good. It’s a shame Gracie didn’t want to come, she would’ve loved this. I get it though, she’s still traumatized. I can’t think about that too long. I don’t want to worry. I just want to have a good time.

Don’t know who I dance with, and I don’t really care. It’s all the same to me, just a body to feel good with. That’s all this night is. Fuck Cody, fuck his issues or insecurities or whatever. If he wants to lose me, he can lose me. I tried.

But it’s never that simple.

It’s towards the end of the night and I’ve lost sight, Sara. It’s too hot outside, it’s even hotter inside. There are no clouds out right now, no stars either. I bet Chris would have something weird to say about the night and stars if I asked him about it. Who knows where he’s at right now.

As I look down I spot a girl with completely white hair walking past me. She takes a look back at me and I catch a bit of her side-profile. Her entire skin is pale and her eyes almost seem like they’re glowing. She’s a damn ghost. It reminds me of a rumor I heard.

I look back up at the sky then straight down just to sigh. What the fuck am I doing here?

“You’re here,” his voice sends chills to my spine.

I never thought he showed. “What are you doing here, Code?” I say to him, not turning around to see him.

It doesn’t matter. He walks up beside me and sits down on the sidewalk. I’ve no choice but to follow. “I came with Andrew.” There’s a few seconds of silence. I have nothing to say to him. Cody looks nice, always does. The hipster girl and skater boy, the ultimate combo. “How’d you been?”

There are a million things I want to say to him, all of them not good. I like to think tough, but I don’t have the lady balls. After all, I’m in love with my best friend. “Been better. You?”

“Who knows?”

“Why do you barely show up to school anymore? Hasn’t your parents noticed?”

Cody nods, “They have. Can’t force me if I still pass.”

“And how will you?”

“I’ll pass.”

There’s more silence. “What have you been up to?”

“Thinking.”

“You’re always thinking. I never see you anymore. You don’t talk to me anymore. Stop pushing me away.” I pull my knees towards my chest and hug them. “I miss you.”

“I know.”

“Then answer your fucking calls! What if I need you?”

“You have me…I’m just no good for you.”

“Bullshit.”

We look at each other for the first time. He’s completely sober. Ever since that night I haven’t seen Cody take a pill, take a drink, or smoke. He’s been pushing against them even before all that. Watching what happened to Elizabeth because of us changed him. It changed all of us.

“Emily, you don’t-”

“Ems,” I correct him.

Cody sighs and drops his head. “I need to be by myself for a while.”

“How long is a while?”

It’s not easy to resist his eyes while being high. It’s been so long since I felt entrapped. It’s his best feature and how he pulls any girls he wants. Everything about him is extra. It’s hard not to fall for him. Plenty of other people have, but they’ll never have what I have.

“Have you gone to the treehouse?” he changes the subject.

I assume he has if he’s mentioning it. “No.” It’s been a while. I haven’t been there since the night where we played hide and seek in the forest. I still remember that night as if it happened yesterday.

We played in pairs and hid in the forest trying to get to bade without getting caught. Elizabeth and I were partners at one point and managed to get to base; which was the treehouse. She asked me if I hated her because she was with Cody. I told her no. I told her I didn’t care that she was dating Cody because I knew I was going to be the one who would end up marrying him.

I shouldn’t have said that. I knew those words made her jealous but I did it anyway because I was the jealous one. She made me feel like I was being replaced and I didn’t like it. I resented her for slowly taking Cody away from me.

Elizabeth asked me if I ever had sex with him.

She asked if he ever came.

That was the night Elizabeth started to hate me.

I miss her.

“If you ever want to find me, I’m there,” Cody says.

“I know.”

We sit in silence until some ruckus near us causes us to look over to see what’s happening. Of course, it has to be Andrew. He’s surrounded by Megan and her friends. Some of the guys are pushing him and he’s just laughing it off.

“What is he doing?” I ask.

“What else?”

Andrew laughs hard enough for me to hear it. He points to each person individually and says something to make the guys mad. I think one of the girls starts crying. Elizabeth’s group one by one starts to leave, saying something to him before leaving. It’s hard to see what everyone is doing, it’s so dark but I know it’s destruction.

One of the girls, Amanda, walks in our direction, she stops and says, “I don’t know why you hang out with that prick,” before walking past us.

“I wonder what happened,” Cody comments.

Andrew’s a walking ball of destruction. We all know he had a hand in Elizabeth’s death but he won’t tell us with what. Cody knows too but won’t tell me. I’ve already figured out what it could’ve been.

I look up to the sky again. I can’t believe Gracie’s desire to figure out what happened is getting to me. It was supposed to be dropped. We were supposed to leave it alone because none of the pieces would fit. But look at me now, thinking about it all over again.

Shit, it’s been weeks and the cops still don’t have a clue.

Nobody does.

Cody stands up and says, “I’m sorry for ignoring you. Just,” he pauses. “Give me some time.”

And just like that, he leaves me alone again.

Alone is what I find myself in when I get back home. Sara bailed on me, Cody is MIA again, and Dad’s not home yet. The house is always so quiet, I hate it. It’s been that way ever since Mom left.

I had fun tonight, danced, got fucked up, felt up, and even talked to Cody. It was supposed to be a good night, so someone tell me why I feel so damn empty inside. That’s when it starts to come back; the panic. I dial Cody, he can stop it. He always does.

He doesn’t answer.

The world starts to blur and shake. My throat burns with thirst and the metronome tick of the clock only gets louder and louder. Tick, tick, tick. It’s getting cold. Everything starts to disappear. Tick, tick, tick.

Tick, tick, tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

My father holds me in his arms. I’m crying like I’m six again and he’s making everything alright again. I just want my friend back. I miss Elizabeth. I don’t want to worry about it anymore. I want everything to be back to normal.

I just want Cody to forgive himself. Why can’t I make it better for him? Why aren’t I enough?

I’m never enough.