Grace I

I’m not woken by the sound of my alarm or my mother waking me up. I’m woken by the gunshot that echoes in my head almost every time I think about it. What follows is the faint raindrops that hit the roof and the glass of my room’s window.

It’s raining down again.

I stare at my ceiling not wanting to get up, not wanting for this day to come. I’ve been avoiding it for way too long, but it’s time to return to school. The therapist my mom put me on helps, but sometimes I feel it isn’t enough.

I get up and put on the glasses that I hate, pants that are getting hard to fit into, and a shirt I had since 6th grade. The mirror stares at me back; just a girl who wants to be pretty; wants to have friends. But that will never happen, will it?

Mom hears me move around my room and knocks on the door to check up on me. “Today is going to be good,” she says.

She wasn’t mad when she found out. Mom was actually relieved I had the guts to sneak out like that. Of course, no one expected what happened so maybe that’s why she wasn’t mad. She worries about me and loves me but never enough to have time for me. Her job doesn’t allow it with a sporadic schedule like hers. Still, she tries her best, after all, I’m the reason why we moved here. She wanted me to start anew somewhere else.

So much for that plan.

Mom tosses me a sweater, “Here, it’s gonna be cold today and it’s raining,” she says before taking her leave. “Be ready in 20.”

“Okay,” I say weakly.

I’m ready in 10 and do nothing but stare at my room. It’s nothing but posters of all the anime I watch, a desk with a shitty PC I use just to escape, a single window with white curtains. Across my room is my bathroom that has all the unused makeup that I barely bothered to learn. Mom’s room is close. Then there are the two empty bedrooms. Down the stairs in single hallways connecting everything is the living room that connects to the kitchen. There’s a bathroom that leads into the laundry, then to the garage. We’re lucky to have this house considering Dad’s dead and Mom is constantly working to keep us afloat.

I take a good look around town as Mom drives me to school. We moved here right after middle school ended. The house was given to us by my Dad’s parents, he’s originally from here. Darkwood, Washington, they call it.

The cursed town.

At least that’s what it’s known as online. A city swallowed in rain clouds more often than not. Miles east of Seattle, far enough to be isolated from the world. A city surrounded by mountains. In the center of it is this great forest you can see from almost anywhere. The entire city is sort of a crescent moon that wraps itself around this forest. To the west is where everything is. The school, the shops, the businesses. It’s also where the only entrance and exit is. A lone street that connects to the highway and where the cutest diner lies.

To the north of the forest is where I live. Houses of a suburb, unremarkable but safe. The south of the city is smaller and I have only been there once while exploring the town on my own. It’s not that it’s poor, but not well kept. I often came across a lot of houses that looked abandoned. It wraps around the forest but never actually connects itself to the east, leaving the forest to lead into the mountains. The north is the same, but the further along you travel towards the east, the richer the houses become. On both sides, both areas thin out the further your travel. Right before you hit the forest again, there’s this dirt road that leads east, into the forest, into that abandoned house where it all began.

The high school itself is on the very edge of the west side of Darkwood, directly connecting to the forest. Everyone is either walking here or getting rides, such as myself. Mom stops right at the entrance, next to the big sign that reads: Mickle Ray High School.

“It’s gonna be okay, sweetie,” Mom reassures me. “I’m gonna go to bed, but call me if anything happens.”

I watch her leave as I’m left to myself for the wolves. Nobody pays attention to me, which is good. The less attention I get, the better. I don’t want to be known as the girl who-

Right as I enter the school I see the shrine. It’s in the center of the foyer that connects all the hallways and the upstairs. I don’t watch TV or read the news so I never learned her name. Everyone called her Elizabeth. I get to see her full name for the first time. Elizabeth Wilson. She’s surrounded by flowers, notes, and lit candles. People are still paying their respects. She was that popular after all, huh?

The echo of the gunshot rings my ears again.

The smell comes back too.

The taste of the blood as well.

I’m pushed into the bathroom and my back hits the stall. I’m pushed down to my ass and all I hear is, “What the **** are you doing back?” It’s Megan, the girl who I met in gym class and invited me to that party. The girl who I followed around and got drunk with and thought was my friend. Her blonde friend is with her and is making sure no one comes in.

“Um,” is all managed to say.

Megan kicks me in the chest, a feeling that’s all too familiar. “It’s all your fault! You shouldn’t have been there. It should’ve been you.” She kicks me again, this time my head hits the stall.

The anxiety kicks in the panic. It’s middle school all over again. This time I just can’t run away and move again. I feel the salt coming but I can’t even cry because my body won’t let me. It’s not fair. It wasn’t my fault.

I just wanted to apologize.

I didn’t know she was going to shoot herself.

Why did she do it?

My eyes open when I feel slightly sticky water hit my head, spit. “Whatever,” Megan scoffs as she shoves my shoulder with her boot.

I’m left to wince in pain as the bell rings. It’s the perfect cover to let out a small cry. This isn’t how I wanted the day to start. Everyone must know it was me who was there at this point then. Nobody would want to be my friend, not that I ever had any, to begin with. All I have are the people with who I play online games. People who don’t know me and don’t know how I look like.

The dean’s office isn’t any help. I’m flabbergasted by his words, “Megan O’hare? Don’t be ridiculous, that girl is a saint.” He doesn’t believe me. Once again I’m left alone. I read the name on his plate on the desk. Mr. Scrote. “Everyone here is mourning, it’s not good to spread rumors. Now head to class.” He’s serious.

What’s wrong with this place?

At least everyone ignores me and doesn’t talk to me. It’s all I can really ask for at this point. To be left alone? Yeah, that sounds the best. Nobody even looks at me. It’s like they don’t even know. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they do and can’t look at me.

Or maybe I’m just that ugly.

I do look out of place. A freshman that still looks like a kid, wearing an Adventure Time T-shirt. Right, I forgot. I am ugly.

Then, by third period I start to hear the whispers in the hallways. I’m called ‘brain guts’ and hear the giggles and chuckles, but it’s never directed at me. All it does is bring back those bad memories. Not just of that night, but of middle school.

The gunshot comes back. This time with the screaming. I hear the screaming like it’s right next to me. Then all the red and blue lights start flashing before me. Gosh, then the questions. All the damn questions. I start to drown everything out again.

Lunch comes around and I don’t even bother getting food. I just find a spot in the corner of the cafeteria to sit so I won’t be bothered. It’s far away enough from all the popular kids and everyone else. I can see all the different cliques from here. Every school has them I guess. The only people closest to me are what I think band geeks.

While looking around, I spot someone staring at me so I quickly look away. I look back for a quick second and their gaze hasn’t averted. It’s a girl with long, wavy, dark red hair. She smiles at me and I can only look away. She looks familiar.

I keep my head down in hopes of nothing else happens.

It doesn’t work as I feel someone sit across me. It’s her, isn’t it?

“Hey-a,” she says with what I assume is a smile.

I don’t say anything back, don’t even lookup.

“You’re in my AP calculus class. Eight period? What’s a freshman doing in a senior class?”

Again, I don’t say anything back.

“Must be pretty smart then, huh? I didn’t even know it was possible,” she giggles. “My name is Emily, and you are?”

After a long pause of silence, I feel her grabbing my lanyard to look at my ID.

“Grace Ciotta? Gracie, what a pretty name.”

“What do you want?” I finally say.

“To say hi. Thought we could be friends.”

I finally lookup. She’s beautiful up close. Her hair is as large as her body. She has actual green eyes that I never thought were real. Emily wears her freckles proudly and doesn’t hide them. The black cardigan sweater is too large for her but she makes it work. I notice she has a black bandana with red roses tied at her wrist. Emily is so cool.

“Why?”

“Why?” Emily almost laughs. “You’re funny. I like you already,” she smiles again.

“I don’t have friends.”

“Well consider me your first friend.”

“um, it’s okay. You don’t have to force-”

Emily places her hand over my mouth. It’s just her sweater sleeve. “Listen, I don’t have to hear it. It’s okay. I know who you are, Gracie. I’m not here to bother you, just thought you could use someone to talk to after-well-” she stops herself. “Take your time. Uh, when you’re ready, care to join my table with me and my friends? I’ll be right over there.” Emily points to a table past the band geeks.

The table is large but not many people. I can’t see them very well. There’s just a girl with black hair and a guy with a green parka.

I look at Emily’s ID card before she gets up. Emily Crowe, Senior. She’s just another Megan, isn’t she? I watch her rejoin her friends and it’s only until one of the band kid moves is that I see the guy in the green jacket has been staring at us.

Emily felt nice. Her voice was really warm and I do feel like I could believe her. She couldn’t even mention what happened, maybe in consideration of me. She was at that party, I’m sure of it. I want to trust her.

It’s just like in the anime I watch. I can’t make friends if I don’t try. I have to try and before long I find myself standing over their table.

Emily smiles at me and motions at me to sit down. The girl with the black hair completely ignores me. The guy in the green parka stares at me, never looking away. “Chris, Sara, this is Gracie. She’s new here.”

The girl with black hair finally looks at me. “‘Sup,” she says. Her voice is a sharp contrast to Emily’s. Opposed her Emily’s soft and warm voice, Sara’s is sharp, a bit harsh, but sweet at the same time. She scares me.

Sara is in all black, like a poster child for a goth kid. Or is it punk? I’m not sure. Her jacket is all black with small metal studs. She’s wearing a black crop top underneath and I can see her belly button is pierced. Her earrings have earrings and I’m not sure to wear one necklace ends and begins.

Chris, the guy with the jacket hasn’t moved at all. He honestly looks homeless, as in someone who doesn’t take care of himself at all. A weirdo is what comes to mind. He doesn’t even say anything either.

I catch Sara looking me up and down. “Cute,” she says.

“Right?” Emily follows.

“Uh,” I mumble.

“Chris, stop staring, you’re making it weird.”

Chris’ brown eyes move down to the table. “Sorry,” he says. “Got lost in my thoughts again.”

“Sorry about him. He’s high again.”

“Again? You mean still,” Sara laughs. “Question is on what.”

“Mushrooms,” Chris answers.

This is wild. I’ve been here a total of a minute and I’ve already felt so unrelatable. The only thing I’ve done is get drunk and that party was my first time too.

This is also something I heard about this city. There’s nothing to do so it’s an open secret that everyone party as hard as they can. I should’ve known that the party I went to was held on a Tuesday. Who does that?

The trio leaves me alone for most of the time they talk. Emily and Sara are the only ones who talk, Chris never says a word. It’s all high school gossip, just like in the movies. Who hooked up with her, who has the latest beef with who. What she said, he said.

Not once is Elizabeth mention. The only time I feel like she’s referenced is when they talked about how Megan is becoming the new queen bee of the school.

I guess I only mention that is because I feel safe. For once, I’m around people who aren’t hurting me. I’m not being bullied or picked on and people don’t mind my presence. It’s nice. Real, nice. I want this to last.

“Grace, where are you from?” Emily asks me. “Not many people move into town.”

“Oh, uh, um. California.”

“LA?” Sara asks.

“No, um, Reddings.”

“Where’s that at?”

“Like way north. I’ve never been to LA.”

“Oh cool, why’d you move here?

Before I can answer, someone screams, “WHAT THE **** ANDREW?!”

All of our attention is diverted to the center of the cafeteria. Megan is the one who screamed, she has soda spilled all over her shirt. A dude is on the floor laughing his butt off. That’s the popular kid table, where everyone wants to be. Where I want to be. Besides Megan, and don’t recognize anyone there.

“I was wondering where he was at,” Emily says.”

“And Cody?”

“Still nowhere to be seen.”

“You know where to find him, you just don’t bother,” Chris finally speaks. The way he enunciated his words is odd. It’s like he isn’t human.

The bell rings and it’s only then I realize how much time has passed. I was so caught up enjoying their conversation that I forgot.

“See you in class, Gracie,” Emily says standing up. “Sit next to me.”

“See ya, dude, hope you stick around,” Sara says to me.

Chris is the last one to stand before me. He watches them leave with me and then turns to me and says, “but suicides have a special language. Like carpenters, they want to know which tools, they never ask why build.”

“Huh?”

Chris just smiles, “The devil is everything you wish for,” he says and just leaves without another word.

“Weirdo.”

That hour was the break I needed. Hell returns the second I walk back into the hallways. People seem to notice me more and I hear their snickers as I walk by. Megan finds me and pushes me into the lockers. “Freak,” she snorts and walks away.

I look around me and it’s nothing but stares. I guess I had myself fooled that everything would turn out okay. Still, I guess I have some little hope left. Whatever it may be.

That hope comes in the form of Emily who is waiting outside of our last class for the day. She spots me, smiles, and continues to look around as if she was waiting for someone else. “Sit next to me?” She says, walking in when I approach her. Standing next to her makes me feel like a dwarf. I never realized how tall Emily is.

The class seats are divided in the middle with the two sections facing each other. Emily sits on the far left, closest to the window where we can see the student parking lot. “Any trouble?” Emily asks when I take the seat next to her.

“What do you mean?”

Emily gives me a small smile, almost wistful. “Nevermind.”

The bell rings and class starts. The start of the lecture is on integrals which bores me. Everything the teacher goes over I already know so I stop paying attention and look around the class. Everywhere here looks so old, so mature. I already feel out of place with my grade, being surrounded by seniors is a different story. I feel like an alien compared to them.

My desk has Emily’s name written on it with a red pen. I look over at Emily’s and hers has another name written on it. ‘Cody’ it reads. I take out my pen and write my name under Emily’s. She notices and gives me a warm smile. I wonder what she’s thinking about right now.

“Cody, nice of you to join us. 15 minutes late,” the teacher says, bringing my attention back to class.

I can feel Emily’s eyes stare at the boy who just walked in. My eyes move to him as well.

“Yeah, well, I got lost,” he answers with a slight smirk. His eyes move to Emily as he walks down the middle of class to take his seat. He then takes a look at me.

My heart immediately feels like it dropped.

It feels like it’s no longer there.

His eyes are intense as if they’re lasers that are piercing into mine. They dart back to Emily and he chuckles as he takes the seat directly across us. The lasers move back to me. They’re so fierce. They’re analyzing me, watching my every move, judging me and their curiosity doesn’t waver. It feels like they are looking straight into the very being of my soul and ripping it out.

“You’ll learn where this class is one day, don’t worry,” our teacher says.

“I bet I will,” he says without breaking eye contact with me.

I look over to Emily who is staring at the boy. Her mouth let out a silent, “hi,”

He wears clean clothes. A pristine white v-neck shirt that hugs his slender body. Dark blue jeans fade towards the knees and are tucked into his converse. There are bracelets around his left wrist but after that, there are no other accessories. His shaggy brown hair compliments his beige skin.

Crap he’s hot. I can’t look away.

Why doesn’t he either?

Eventually, he does, but I can’t help but look over once in a while during class.

When the bell rings, Cody doesn’t hesitate to leave. Emily doesn’t waste time and chases after him. She walks into view of the class’ window, visibly frustrated.

“Grace, right?” My teacher walks up to me. “Second day, huh?”

“Oh, uh, yeah.”

“You seemed bored today. Considering it rare for freshmen to start with this class, it’s safe to assume you’re a math wiz?”

“Uh, I wouldn’t call it that. I’m no genius.”

“Then what would you call it?”

“Pointlessly liking it for no reason.”

“Liking math?”

“Yeah.”

My teacher laughs. “That’s good to hear. Not many like you these days. If I gave you the final right now, do you think you could pass?”

I shake my head. I don’t know why he’s asking me all this. “No, I wouldn’t go that far.”

“Hmm. Don’t be so humble. It’s impressive really. There’s only been two who started this class their freshmen year. Coincidently they’re in the same grade together.”

“Uh, did you talk to them like you are to me now?”

The teacher nods. “I gave them one of them the final their first day. Passed it with a near-perfect score. Rubbed it in my face. The other declined and told me he doesn’t want to be noticed. Shame that they turned out the way they did.”

“And what’s that?”

The teacher shrugs, “The city ate them alive. I hope it doesn’t eat you alive either. You seem like a nice kid, don’t let it happen to you either.”

His words resonate. It’s just like the online talk. This city is cursed but I don’t know why or how.

I leave class perplexed and with Emily waiting outside. “Are you walking? Want a ride?”

I accept and follow Emily to the student parking lot where everyone is rushing to leave. Sara waits behind a red Honda. “Dude, can you drive me to Lucas’?”

“You don’t have to put on a facade, Sara. Did he not show up to school again?”

“No. Something about getting weed for the week,” Sara’s attention turns to me, “Sup, Gracie.”

“Hi,” I say back.

“So is that a yes?” Sara asks Emily.

“Fine.”

“Great, you’re the best!”

After Emily drops Sara off near the east of Darkwood, she asks me where I live. Turns out we don’t live very far from each other, just a couple of blocks. Then again, the city isn’t very massive and can be explored in a couple of hours of walking.

“Do you mind if I come in?” Emily asks right as we arrive.

Emily is genuinely trying to be my friend, so why not?

She doesn’t care much about the inside of the house. She only calls it pretty and clean. I guess that’s normal, it’s just a house. I just don’t know what to expect, I never had anyone over.

Emily takes a good look around my room. She doesn’t say anything and it makes me nervous. She sits on my bed. “You don’t have any friends, do you, Gracie?”

“No, I just moved here over the summer.”

“No, I mean in general.”

“Oh, um,” I look away. “Uh, yeah. Not really.”

“Then the thing with Elizabeth happens,” Emily sighs. “Gracie I’m so sorry you were at the wrong place. It shouldn’t have happened to you.”

I’m naive about things, not dumb. That’s all this was then? Emily was just taking pity on me? “It’s okay, I’m used to it.”

“Used to what? The bullying?”

“Yeah…”

“I saw what happened before class started.”

“Oh.”

“It’s not complete pity, in case you’re wondering why I came up to you at lunch,” Emily says firmly. I sit down on my chair next to my desk. “I just saw a lot of myself in you when I first saw you.”

“How so?”

“I only had one friend in grade school. I was a dork and a loser.”

I can’t imagine Emily looking anything like me. She has to be lying but then again her voice is sincere. Maybe I am stupid and can’t tell a lie from a truth.

“Be our friend?” Emily asks. “My group is wild and crazy and sometimes insane, but we all look out for each other. Best yet, we can stop that b**** and anyone else from picking on you.”

There’s a moment of silence. It’s odd having another person besides my mom be concerned about me. The feeling’s nice. She’s so kind and cool. “Okay. I will.”

“Glad to hear it.”

Back when I was at that party, Megan would give me a drink every time I finished one. I always heard beer was bitter but I never thought it to be so disgusting. I only powered through to look cool. Looking back at it now, she just wanted to get me drunk so she could mess with me.

I do remember a point in the night where I was outside with her. She was staring at this group sitting down by the porch around a table. They were all drinking and laughing. Elizabeth was with them. Megan was telling me how Elizabeth abandoned her friend group just so she could hang out with the drug fiends. She resented Elizabeth because of it and the two were only pretending to play nice with each other now.

It’s only now that I can remember who was in that group. That crimson dark red hair is unforgettable.

I can finally get my answers.

“Why did she do it?”

“Sorry?”

“Why did Elizabeth kill herself?”

There’s a long silence. For the first time since I first met her, Emily frowns. “It’s best if you don’t get involved with that.”

“But I want to know! I was right there!”

Emily stands up. I’ve upset her. “Sit with us again tomorrow. I have to get home now.”

“Tell me!” I stop her right before she leaves my room. I even stand up. Have I ever been this assertive?

“We don’t know,” Emily says with a sigh.

“Lie.”

She shakes her head. “Then believe what you want. Nobody knows. Everyone has their own little theory but none of that matters. It’s not like she left a note. Just leave it alone, please.”

“Okay…”

“I’ll see you at school.”

I think over the events of the day. The night has come and Mom has woken up to get ready for school. I was wrong. These next few years won’t be a repeat of middle school. Not when I have Emily and her friends by my side. Hopefully. It’s not right that Megan called her a drug fiend. It’s just alcohol and probably weed, it can’t be that bad, can it?

Sara’s a bit scary but just as cool. I thought she would be cold-hearted but based on everything she talked about today, she seems like she’s just trying to figure herself out. She isn’t mean and talk like a boy but doesn’t seem like she’ll be mean to me.

Chris is weird. He kept staring at me but in a way that seemed like he wasn’t paying attention to me either. He doesn’t talk and looks like he isn’t paying attention to anything. The words he said to me, why did he say them?

I think about the eyes that locked onto mine in calculus. Cody’s. Gosh, I never felt anything like it. It was so intense, scary, and exciting. He’s a proper pretty boy. Just thinking about him makes me…warm.

I’m warm inside. I’m warm down there.

I think about him some more. He’s in Emily’s friend group. That means I’ll get to meet him, talk to him. I’ll get to know him. Cody will get to know me. Maybe I can…

I’ve never done it before. It’s fantasizing, right? It’s a bit wet down there. That’s never happened before. Anything about this, really. Especially the naughty thoughts. I reach down. My heart is pumping like I’m on a run.

It’s wet.

Should I taste myself?

Its blood.

“MOOOOM?!”