– 5 days after the disappearance –

‘It doesn’t make any sense.’ Emma mutters. We’re seated in the lunch room, while we should be in class right now. But I couldn’t leave Emma like this. She’s been crying nearly every day and when I told her Finn was depressed, she started all over again; blaming herself for not knowing.

It’s hard to find energy to do anything right now. On top of all the stress I experience, wondering about Finn, worrying about what happened, I will start community service today, right after school.

‘How could he hide all of this for us?’ She whines, wiping the tears off her face. It’s not helping, since they keep rolling down. ‘Did he even consider us to be his friends?’

It’s a thought that keeps running through my mind. Did Finnley still consider us friends when he was able to keep big secrets from me? As it turns out, he started antidepressants about a year ago and his parents thought he told me. I was clueless but I do realize Finnley changed a lot in the last year. There had been a time I was worried, but I guess the medication helped him in some way, because after a short while of worrying over Finnley, he changed back to his cheerful self.

‘I really don’t know.’ I admit. ‘Right now, it feels like he was a complete stranger to be honest.’

‘But the police are still looking for him, right?’

‘They’ll consider him missing until they find a b…’ I swallow back the word I wanted to use. ‘Until they find him.’

‘A body.’ She snaps. ‘You wanted to say body.’ She cries out and covers her face with her already soaked sleeves. ‘He can’t be dead, okay? He wouldn’t kill himself.’ She cries out loud.

‘I thought he wouldn’t keep secrets from me as well.’ I sigh. ‘But I found out he kept two big things hidden from me.’

‘Stop it.’ Her voice is in full agony right now. ‘Stop saying those things! He’s your best friend!’ She starts slapping my chest and I have to grab her wrists to stop her from hitting me again and again. ‘We have to find him, okay?’

‘I want to, I just don’t know where to start.’ I feel hopeless right now. I don’t even know where to look for my best friend.

‘Let’s go and talk to his boyfriend. Maybe he knows something that can help us.’ Emma whispers. ‘Maybe Finn was honest with him.’

‘I feel so guilty Emma.’ I look at her. ‘I feel like I should have known he wasn’t happy. I feel like I should have known he needed help.’

‘But he didn’t tell us, so how were we supposed to know?’ She leans against me and I put my arms around her, taking a deep breath along with her.

‘Because I should have seen the difference with the old Finn. You have to admit he was different from when you met him.’

‘I know, but I figured he was just growing up a little faster.’

‘I ignored the signs. The lifeless conversations and the fact he never spoke about anything as passionate as he used to.’

‘Did his parents tell you why he was depressed?’

‘They didn’t really know, Finn probably didn’t even know.’

‘It’s so sad.’ She whispers, her words vibrating against my chest, making me shiver. ‘To think he felt like that and yet never told us or asked for help. Can you imagine how alone he must have felt?’

‘I could imagine.’ It’s all I can do, agree with her, although I don’t feel like agreeing. I just don’t want to upset Emma by telling her I feel like shit, I feel abandoned by him. I don’t want to admit I’m mad at Finnley for keeping me in the dark. On one hand, I can’t stand the idea of him running away, whether or not to hurt himself. But on the other hand, I don’t want to think about what happened if he didn’t run off on his own free will.

What if someone hurt him?

‘Are you even listening?’ Emma looks up with bloodshot eyes, a tearstained face and lips quivering while she’s trying to hold back her sobbing.

‘I’m not, sorry.’ I look down. ‘I feel so lost Emma.’ I admit. ‘I don’t know how long I can take this.’

‘Did they offer you help?’ She asks timidly.

‘My parents spoke about it since I can’t sleep.’ I shrug. ‘But Finn went to one of those shrinks and look where that got him.’

She hits me again. ‘Stop thinking he did something to himself.’ She hisses.

‘Honestly, believing he ran away is the best possible scenario if you ask me.’ I deadpan. ‘And stop hitting me. I’m not a punching bag.’

‘It’s not the best…’ She cuts her sentence and shakes her head. ‘He’s fine. Just…’ Her sobbing takes away her ability to talk and all I can do is hug her and try to comfort her.

We sit there until lunch. Jacob joins and takes Emma out for a walk, while I go over to my old teammates from soccer, joining them for lunch.

‘Cristian?’ Jaimie gestures me to sit next to him, which I do. ‘Any news?’

I just shake my head. ‘I don’t want to talk about it, okay?’

‘Right.’ He nods, turning back to Evan and Tom, talking about the game they played on Saturday. I used to play soccer with them, but quit after I lost interest. I just sit and listen to them talking about their weekend and whatever they did.

It’s the most boring lunch I’ve had in years.

I just wish Finnley was here, like I’m used to.

* * * * *

Community service consists of picking up garbage in a public park with some other people who did some stupid shit. I’m totally out of my comfort zone here. Most of them are those type of guys you really don’t want to walk into in a dark alley or something like that; tattoos covering their arms and all. They’re just generally the people I try to avoid. I’m not a saint, but I consider myself just a regular teenager who does crappy shit out of boredom. The people I’m surrounded with right now, might consider turning really crappy shit in a living in the near future.

It’s not that hot outside and by the end of my first couple of hours, I’m exhausted, cold, hungry and moody. I already feel like shit, but even if my best friend is missing these people don’t care. It’s the consequence of doing something that is against the law; you have to suck it up.

My mood changes from moody into sad, the second I see Emma and Julia waiting for me. Along with them, is a guy I’ve never seen before. His hair is black, short on the side, a little longer on top. He seems a little older, but not that much.

I frown while making my way over to them, considering the possibility this might be Nathan. Emma has been bugging me about wanting to meet him the whole freaking day, up till the point we got in a little fight about it. And now she’s forcing me to meet him, one of the secrets Finnley kept from me.

I never knew it would hurt this much to find out Finnley didn’t consider me a close enough friend to share important things with.

‘Hey.’ Julia looks at me with her head cocked to the side a bit. ‘You okay?’

I shake my head and shrug, before looking at the boy.

‘So, this is Nathan.’ She gestures to him shortly, before putting her hand back in her pocket. ‘Finn’s boyfriend.’

I just stare at him. His face is familiar, I just don’t know where I’ve seen it before. We share an awkward silence while we look each other up and down, before I turn towards Emma and Julia again. ‘Why are you here?’

‘I thought you’d like some company…’ Emma looks down. ‘I could use the company.’

‘Why is he here?’

‘Cris.’ Julia smiles carefully. ‘He’s just as worried as us.’

‘Did you ever try to meet any of Finn’s friends?’ I look at Nathan, feeling a little hostile towards the guy. I just don’t like him, since he was kept a secret and he might even have alienated Finnley from me without me noticing. He was probably the whole reason Finnley never hung out with us after school anymore.

‘I did.’ Nathan keeps looking straight at me. ‘He just refused because you guys didn’t know about him being gay.’

‘Did you know he was depressed?’

‘Can we go and sit somewhere to talk?’ Emma complains. ‘I’m freezing, honestly.’

‘I just want his answer.’ I keep looking at him. It’s starting to become a staring match and I’m not going to lose this from him. ‘Did you know?’

‘He told me a while ago.’ Nathan tells me without much emotion. ‘He was ashamed of it. Thought you’d judge him for being weak.’

At least this guy is telling me why Finnley never told me anything. But I just don’t understand why Finnley would think I would judge him? Haven’t I told him enough I would never accept us drifting apart? And did he not respond with the fact he’d never allow it too? But he did and he knew. He let us drift apart and this sucker in front of me is one of the things he kept hidden.

I can’t picture him with Finnley at all. But I guess this is the guy Finnley picked over me. He told him the secrets he couldn’t tell me and that fact makes me hate both myself for not being there for Finnley, and Nathan for taking my place.

‘You should have convinced Finn I would have never judged him.’

‘I didn’t know you. For all I know Finnley had every reason to not trust you enough.’

‘He hated that name.’ I snap at him. ‘Don’t call him like that.’

Nathan is the first to remove his look from me, looking at Julia and Emma shortly, before looking back at me. ‘I’m not doing this.’ He holds up his hands. ‘I’ve got enough to worry about with Finn being gone. I’m not gonna stand here bicker over the fact Finn couldn’t trust you like he trusted me.’ Nathan turns around and walks away, while I cross my arms and watch him walk away.

‘Cristian.’ Emma slaps me against my head. ‘You’re on the same side! Stop fighting and start looking for Finn.’

‘He wasn’t helping us any closer.’

‘All you did was shoot daggers at him.’ Julia sighs. ‘He’s a nice guy. You’re just upset because Finn kept secrets from you.’

‘It just doesn’t feel okay.’ I shrug. ‘He used to tell me everything.’

‘Could we please go inside?’ Emma pulls my sleeve. ‘Let’s go to your place, so you can take a shower and we can sit and…’ She shrugs. ‘Think about possible places where Finn could be.’

‘We don’t even know if he ran away on his own.’ Julia starts to walk in the direction of a parking lot and I follow her with Emma next to me. ‘He did try to call his parents, and you.’ She looks back at me. ‘He wanted to go home.’

* * * * *

It’s been a week since I last saw Finnley and I feel empty inside without him around. I’m worried sick, my parents don’t know what to do with me and the teachers kind of ignore me in school since I can’t focus anyway. Julia, Lily and Willow have been hanging out with Emma and me. Jacob even sits with us during lunch, even though we’re not the best of friends. But it’s all so depressing I really just want to stay home and lay in bed all day.

I visit Finnley’s parents every day, together with my own parents, to help them around the house. His mother continues to cry over everything, his dad is a complete and stressful mess and Finnley’s brother Charlie came home during the week. I’m currently in Finnley’s room, seated on his desk chair, slowly turning from left to right and back, just staring around his room. Piles of books litter the floor, but other than that, the room is clean.

I would always feel peaceful, just sitting here, watching Finnley read a book. I’d always feel peaceful around Finnley and now that he’s gone, I feel restless and on edge the entire day. My safe haven is gone and I’m floating around aimlessly through life. It’s confusing to realize for years, Finnley was a stable factor in my life and I took it for granted for him to always just be there.

When I was sad, he’d cheer me up.

When I was mad, he’d calm me down.

When I wanted to do stupid things, he talked some sense into me.

He was always there to steer me in the right direction.

‘Cristian?’ Charlie walks in the room and looks at me, head cocked to the side, arms crossed, worried look on his face. ‘You okay?’

I just shake my head, unable to respond with words because I think I’d cry when I would try to produce sound.

‘They’ll find him.’ Charlie tells me calmly, sitting down on the bed that is still the way Finnley left it a week ago. ‘Did you know about that Nathan guy?’

I respond by shaking my head again, swallowing the lump in my throat.

‘But you did know he was into guys?’ Charlie sounds confused and I get it, because just like me, Charlie didn’t know any of it either. The police told his parents he was in a relationship with Nathan and they were shocked. They didn’t have a clue Finnley was gay, or seeing someone for a fact. Apparently, Finnley always told them he was with me when he left to see Nathan. Yesterday, the police came to pick me up from community service because they needed to ask questions. At least it got me away from those guys that scare the living shit out of me by just sending me those looks. Like they’d love to beat me up over nothing. But when I got back today, they treated me different. With a little bit of respect. I guess they think I’m not the goody-two-shoes they presumed I was. I left it at that. ‘I didn’t know Finnley was into guys.’ I admit. ‘He never told me anything. Not the part about being gay, not the part about being depressed.’ I take in a deep shaky breath before looking at Charlie, who nods with a sad expression on his face. ‘It’s like I didn’t really knew the real Finn, you know.’

‘Because he kept those things hidden.’ Charlie nods again. ‘He was ashamed about being depressed. Apparently, he wasn’t going to his psych anymore and we found a big amount of his medication. They think he wasn’t taking them anymore.’

‘But why would he do that?’ I groan. ‘He needed them, right?’

‘You know how much Finn hates medication.’ Charlie smiles awkwardly. ‘Antidepressants weaken the mind and well, Finn hated the clouded feeling he had when he took the meds.’

‘That sounds fair.’ I shrug. ‘Finn couldn’t stand it if he didn’t understand something, and he absolutely hated being intoxicated by anything.’

‘He wanted to tell you though. I don’t know why he didn’t.’

‘How do you know?’

‘I talked about it with him about every week and he always told me it would be the week he was going to tell you. But he never did.’

‘It hurts, you know? I mean, I’ve known Finn ever since kindergarten and I never kept a secret hidden for him.’

‘Finnley had a lot more secrets Cris.’ Charlie sighs. ‘At least, I think.’

‘Why do you think?’

‘Because he never told us where he went, but he was out nearly every weekend, for the whole weekend. He didn’t study as much anymore. His grades where slipping and overall, I think he just didn’t care about it anymore. It’s the depression, I know. But Finn was acting out a lot, fighting with mom and dad.’

‘I never knew…’ I frown. ‘But the police know?’

‘Mom and dad told them everything there is to know, the weird behavior and the lack of interest. All of it. They still assume Finn left on his own.’

‘It’s the best possible scenario, really.’ I mutter. ‘If he didn’t leave on his own, then what happened?’

‘I have no idea…’