– Fifteen months ago –

‘Finn, where were you?’ I look at him with wide eyes. ‘I haven’t seen you all weekend. And you missed the game!’

‘Oh, right.’ He isn’t looking up from the book he’s reading. I had to go up to the second floor to find him seated in the library on his own after hours. He hasn’t shown up at lunch, ignored my calls and texts.

‘What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?’

‘Huh?’ Now he looks up, a little confused. ‘No, I was busy.’

‘Busy with what?’ I pull away the book from under his gaze, not only to focus his attention on me, but also to look at the book. It’s just some stupid fiction. ‘Reading this?’ I hold up the book in disbelieve. ‘Finn! You know how important the game was. Don’t tell me you skipped for this?’

‘I didn’t.’ He deadpan. ‘I had different plans.’ He snatches back the book. ‘I’m sure the game went fine.’

‘We lost.’ I cross my arms in front of my chest.

‘Oh, sorry to hear.’ He mutters, putting the book in his backpack.

‘Why weren’t you there? Why are you ignoring me? Or avoiding me overall?’

‘Cristian. I have a life outside of you.’ He snaps. ‘I was busy.’

‘With what!? What was more important than your best friend?’

‘You’re really selfish, you know?’ Finnley jumps up and brushes past me after putting his backpack on his back.

‘I’m selfish? What did I do?’

‘You’re oblivious to your own behavior.’ He spins around to look at me. ‘I’m not your slave. Why don’t you ask one of your girlfriends to cheer for you?’

‘I don’t have a girlfriend…’ I look at him confused. ‘And you’re the only one I’ve been friends with for years. I like you to be there!’

‘And I don’t like it, okay? I don’t like to watch. I hate it.’

‘Then why didn’t you tell me? I thought you were fine with watching the game together with Emma.’

‘Well, I’m not.’ He shrugs. ‘Now you know. Please don’t ask me to come anymore.’

I watch in shock as Finnley walks away, wondering what the hell just happened. ‘Finn!?’ I call after him, running after snapping out of my stupor. ‘What’s wrong Finn?’ I catch up on him on the stairs, grabbing hold of his arm.

‘Nothing is.’ He pulls away from my hold.

‘You’re not you.’ I point out. ‘You’ve been acting weird for a month now. What’s going on?’

‘Nothing.’ He shrugs. ‘I’m just tired, okay?’

‘Just tired?’ I repeat after him, grabbing his bag to carry it for him. He lets me, much to my relief. At least he lets me help him. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’ He sighs. ‘Stressed. Stressing over school.’

‘Right.’ I nod. ‘Are you sure this is what you want?’ I hold up his bag with shaky arms because of the weight. ‘Because I don’t get the idea you’re happy right now.’

‘I want this, Cris. It would be stupid not to take an opportunity like this just because I’m a little tired.’

‘Can I help you in any way?’

‘Stop bothering me about Julia, and stop asking me to watch the games. Because I really don’t like it that much anymore.’

‘Okay. Sure.’ I tell him honestly. ‘Consider it done. Now can we please go back to the things used to be?’

‘Yes.’ He smiles, but only partially. It’s like his eyes aren’t smiling along with his mouth. ‘It’s really nothing personal Cris.’

‘Okay, and next time just tell me sooner, okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘And if something is bothering you, you’d tell me, right?’

‘Right.’ He nods, before we head outside, heading home for today.

* * * * *

‘Finnley?’ Emma nudges him while he’s seated in between us, nearly falling asleep during lunch. ‘Wake up honey.’

‘I’m awake.’ He murmurs.

‘Did you sleep at all last night?’ I chuckle, pulling away the hoodie from his head. His hair is messy and the bags under his eyes grow every single day. ‘You look like a zombie to be honest.’

‘I feel like one.’ He sits up straight and yawns shamelessly. ‘I’m glad when this week is over.’

‘Are you coming to my birthday party?’ Emma looks at him hopeful. ‘I promise it won’t be that big of a party.’

‘I’m not really in the mood for a party to be honest.’ He shrugs. ‘I really need to catch up on some sleep.’

‘But it’s my birthday!’ Emma whines with a pout.

‘Don’t even try. He doesn’t even attend my birthday parties.’ I shrug. ‘Let’s hang out on Sunday.’ I suggest, knowing Finnley would rather do something on Sunday.

‘Sounds more like me.’ Finnley instantly agrees. ‘We can go to the mall or something.’

‘I’m not going to the mall to celebrate my birthday, really.’ Emma deadpans. ‘I’m throwing a party and I’ll be asleep on Sunday.’

‘What about Monday after school?’

Finnley shakes his head. ‘Can’t. I have to get home right after school.’

‘Tuesday?’ Emma looks at him a little annoyed by now. ‘Or just the party on Saturday.’

‘I have practice on Tuesday.’ I groan. ‘Wednesday?’

‘I have dinner with my grandparents.’ Emma sighs. ‘Finnley, please come to my party.’

‘I’m really not in the mood for a party.’

‘Just drink a little and you’ll be fine.’ She ignores his complains about not being in the mood. Lately, he’s never in the mood to do anything. He should really reconsider his academic career. I don’t think he’s going to survive if he goes on like this.

‘I don’t drink.’

‘Well, this Saturday you are.’

‘No.’ Finnley shakes his head. ‘And no means no Emma. I’m not coming just because you’re pouting like that.’

‘Well, boring.’ She whispers, slumping down in her seat.

‘If you think I’m boring, then why are we friends?’ Finnley snaps, to which I frown and Emma opens her mouth to respond, but decides against it.

‘Calm down you two.’ I chuckle. ‘You’re not boring. She’s just sad because you won’t come to her party.’

‘I’d be sad if I had to go.’ Finnley tells us matter-of-factly, making me laugh. Emma sighs deeply and nods.

‘Okay, fine. We’ll do something next week.’

I watch Finnley reopen the book he was reading before he nearly fell asleep, eating his lunch slowly while studying in the same time. I share looks with Emma, who seems just as worried about him as I feel.

‘Finny?’ I carefully ask. ‘Maybe it would be better if you relaxed for a moment.’

‘I can’t relax.’ He calmly tells me. ‘Not until after this week.’

Right. Because he feels the need to ace all his tests. Not for once accepting any less. He’s intelligent enough for one of those Ivy League schools and I know it’s his dream to make it there. But is it worth this much stress?

I sigh and decide to let him study in peace right now. I really don’t want to get in a fight just because I don’t understand why this is more important than his personal health. Last year he was fine, studying a lot but also doing fun stuff with us outside of school. But lately, he avoids us outside of school, always busy with school.

* * * * *

‘Is Finnley home?’ I look at Charlie, who opened the door to my surprise.

‘He went out about half an hour ago.’ Charlie looks at me confused. ‘He said he was meeting you.’

‘He was?’ I frown. ‘I must have missed him.’

‘Right, well, tell him to be home for dinner.’

‘I will.’ I smile. ‘Thanks.’ I turn around to go back to the mall, where I was supposed to meet with him to buy Emma a gift. It takes me a while by bike to get there again and by the time I placed my bike in the shed, I notice Finnley in the distance; together with some boy I’ve never seen. They seem to have a normal conversation, but yet I’m always a little on edge when I see some stranger standing with Finnley. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s a victim for a bully.

Before I’m able to close in on the two, the stranger turns around and walks away, while Finnley puts something in his backpack.

I frown at the sight, a little confused what Finnley is doing, hanging around the bike sheds with someone I haven’t seen before. Finnley, in the meantime, is walking towards the spot we agreed on meeting. I jump into action, realizing I’m not in that spot and Finnley might be late, but very impatient when I am late, like I usually am. He doesn’t know I already was there, waiting for him, an hour ago.

‘Finn!’ I call for him as soon as I’m within range.

He jumps and turns around quickly, looking at me surprised. ‘Where did you come from?’

‘I was late.’ I awkwardly scratch the back of my head. ‘Saw you with that guy, making new friends?’ I grin, trying to come across as casual as possible.

He blushes a little, and his eyes widen for a second, before he looks down towards his hands. ‘Oh.’ He shrugs, failing at coming across just as casual. ‘He’s a friend of Julia. She asked me to pick something up while I’m here.’

‘Why here?’ I frown, trying to look into his eyes.

‘He eh… works in a store.’ He smiles, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. The bags under his eyes are prominently there.

‘Did you study late again?’

‘Uhu.’ He chuckles. ‘Tomorrow is the last exam.’

‘Right.’ I nod. ‘Happy when that one is over and you can go back to hanging out with us some more.’ I wink and pull him towards the stores. ‘Now, let’s pick up a gift.’

‘Do you have something in mind?’ He asks, following me willingly after shaking my hand off his arm.

‘Not really.’ I admit. ‘I have no clue what to give a girl like Emma.’

‘I was thinking, maybe we can go to the bookstore…’

‘She’s not that into reading like you, Finn.’ I let out a soft laugh. ‘I don’t think Emma likes to get a book as a gift.’

‘She has been talking about reading.’ Finnley deadpans. ‘She actually reads a lot.’

‘She does?’ I frown. Normally I know Emma better, since we hang out a lot more at and after school.

‘She asked me about a book and all.’ Finnley shrugs. ‘She was thinking about buying it, but I don’t think she has.’

‘Well, if you’re absolutely sure, then we’ll buy the book.’ I follow him around the mall and into the bookstore he always drags me in to buy himself a book. He searches the shelves for the right book, while I just saunter around feeling highly out of place as usual. Books are not my thing.

He finds the book eventually, but it takes him longer than normal to locate it. I thought he knew the books in here like the back of his hand by now.

‘Could you pay? I’ll pay you back but I forgot my money.’ Finnley hands me the book and I frown a little, before shrugging.

We pay and head out for a drink which I pay too, before going to his place. I haven’t been here for a while since Finnley always seems busy lately.

His mom takes her sweet amount of time to interrogate me on how things are going in school, with soccer and like always, girls.

‘And Finnley?’ She looks at her own son, who leans on the counter in the kitchen, biting an apple and seemingly in thought. ‘How about your lovelife?’

I smirk, Finnley frowns.

‘I don’t have anyone.’ He shrugs and returns to his own thought, his mom turning back to me.

‘Is that true, or is he holding something back? He seems to be a little… off lately. Dreamy.’

I make a face, telling her I have no clue. ‘I don’t think so.’ I tell her honestly. ‘He didn’t tell me anything.’

‘Well, let’s just leave him in his own world. He’ll tell us who’s making him happy when he’s ready.’

Happy? Finnley is highly stressed and he’s acting off, that’s right. But happy?

She teases her son some more before she lets us go upstairs.

‘So, really no girl?’ I wiggle my eyebrows. ‘You’re always busy lately.’

‘I had to study, remember.’ He deadpans. We enter his room, piles of books, notes and other school-related stuff litters the floor and a big part of his desk. It’s like entering a really, really messy study room that conveniently has a bed placed in it.

I take a seat at his desk chair and he flops down on the bed. ‘Want to watch some movie?’

‘Shouldn’t you study for tomorrows exam?’ He is looking up towards the ceiling, chuckling at the thought of me actually studying for an exam. He knows me better.

‘I’ll do it tonight.’ I shrug, turning around to wake up his slumbering computer. I enter his password, but it fails. ‘Did you change your password?’

‘Yeah. I think mom was snooping on my computer.’ Finnley gets up and walks over to me to enter his new password instead of just giving it to me. He closes down some screens and opens Netflix before going back to his bed.

‘Is there a reason your mom isn’t allowed to snoop through your computer? Does it contain any info that isn’t school related?’ I grin. Finnley never even plays games or whatever. He just studies. He doesn’t even own a Social Media account of some sort; saying that Facebook and other Social Media are just diaries for people who pretend their lives are so much better than they actually are. Sometimes his train of thoughts are depressing.

But I guess that’s just Finnley’s way of looking at the world.