Prologue 2

The afterlife is many things but it certainly isn't boring. Rephrasing a single question hundreds of times to get a viable answer? Getting the afterlife equivalent of being stonewalled? Having a question answered with the question itself. Tedious, hair-pullingly irritating, and maybe a bit retarded, but definitely not boring…well, not as boring as talking to yourself.

[ Is there anything else you would like to ask? ]

Nope. I’m good. You can take that hyper-literal ass of yours and head back to that Entity of yours. Start the missions already.

If I had my hands I would totally be doing the shooing motions right now.

[ I still need to do one thing before leaving. ]

Well hurry up then. The wait is, well, it can't kill be but it can certainly annoy me. I’m sure by now you can tell that I don't exactly have the temperament of a saint.

Too bad I didn't have any hips to sassily lay my hands on.

[ Yes. That much is…obvious. ]

Isn't it? You’d be surprised how many people end up thinking otherwise. I swear, there are way too many people in the world that can be tricked with just a little bit of feigned goodness. I mean, just because I found your dog doesn't mean I intended to return it to you. You just happened to be lucky that you found me before I sold it to a pet shop or a Chinese restaurant. Get what I mean?

[ … ]

Well enough about my colorful life. What are you waiting for? Out with it! Let’s finish what needs to be finished so I can go on and get that new body already! My dick’s never gone unjerked for this long, you know? Have some mercy for my poor, nonexistent blue balls, please.

[ Do you wish to participate in the Entity’s grand experiment? ]

Did I hear that right? What?

[ In line with ethical standards, I must first obtain your informed consent before the experiment can begin. Do you wish to participate in the Entity’s grand experiment? ]

Seriously? You yanked my soul here and your asking me about bloody ethics!? Come on—… Let me ask you a question first. Why are you asking me this?

[ The Entity believes in the freedom of a all living things. It is your right to choose if you wish to join or not. If you do not, then the transitory realm with release your soul and another will be selected in my place. ]

Ignoring the absolute bullshit that is that statement, what will happen if my soul is released.

[ It will dissipate. ]

I assume that means I’ll actually die?

[ In essence. Yes. ]

Fuck yeah, I give my consent!! Like hell I want to die! Who gives a fuck if I have to do dangerous missions and shit, I wanna live! If that Entity of yours popped up and said I’d need to suck His dick for another shot at life, I’d do that too! No-homo, but I just wanna be a-fucking-live!

[ Please refrain from blaspheming the Entity. ]

Seriously! Do you even need to ask that question? Who the fuck would say no to more life?

[ A decent amount of those asked opted to not participate. ]

Seriously? Damn. The world's filled with too many people who don't know how to appreciate life, then.

[ Actually, the data indicates—]

Yeah, yeah. Not interested. I give my consent and whatever you need. Just get going and resurrect me already. I don't have all eternity, you know? Chop chop, please.

[ Alright. Beginning soul transference. ]

Soul transference. With a name as fancy as that it should be an equally fancy experience. Free drinks, scantily clad servers, a waterbed. Everything a man needs to live in the lap of luxury. Was it like that? Nope. Not at all. Before I could even react, a portal that looked like a whirlpool made entirely of fog and swirling lights popped into existence in front of me and sucked me right in.

The inside of the portal looked exactly like how drug trips were portrayed in movies. Rainbows, multicolored light and tons of psychedelic imagery. Oh, was that Uranus over there? Did I just pass Saturn? Man, I thought the rings would be prettier up close. Captain, captain, black hole of the starboard bow! Whoooosh!!

A world of mirrors. A world filled with robot dinosaurs. A world where clothes were never invented. A planer that was really a giant baby head over there, a forest of trees with blowjob lips over there, some weirdo crying over the bleeding corpse of some blond chick waaaay over there. My soul was zipping past countless of places more entertaining than Earth ever was at speeds I was sure were faster than light. I really wish I had asked for popcorn or snacks before beginning this trip. Could souls eat? Sad to say I wouldn't be finding out anytime soon.

As much as I would have liked for this trip of mine to never end, said end was swiftly approaching on the horizon. At least that's what I thought the swirling sphere darkness I was nearing was. Hopefully, it wouldn't be an end in the literal sense of the word and more of a new beginning type deal. That's what that orb lady had promised, but it's quite impossible for a lifelong conman like me to trust anybody at their word. Anyway, as long as it wasn't chainsaw dicks I’m sure I’d be fine.

The sphere kept on growing larger and larger yet I never seemed to get any closer to its surface. Even more terrifying was the fact that my speed wasn't reduced in the slightest. The efficiency of the faster than light travel which could clear several universes in less than second was reduced to less than a snail’s crawl.

Soon the only thing no matter where I looked was the sphere. Shadowy darkness stretched all around, oppressive and all-consuming. I’d be lying if i said I wasn't getting creeped out, but more than creeped out I was sorely missing the fantastical slideshow of scenes that the earlier half of my trip offered. Comparing that to my current view was like comparing the richness, experience and allure of a mature lady to a dull and boring teenage girl—not at all interesting and an utter waste of my time.

“Sigh. I how long is this gonna take…” Teasing me with the promise of a new body yet making me go through all this bullshit. Good to see than even extradimensional entities aren't above making themselves feel important with petty waiting games. Nothing made those self-important types’ dicks harder than having peopl—huh? Wait. “Was that my voi—ugh!”

I slammed roughly against the side of the sphere. Somewhere in between my trip and the impact I had regained my body. Don't ask how I failed to notice that, I just did. Shame on me. That's what I get for letting my mind drift off while in the middle of interdimensional travel.

The surface of the sphere was just as black as it had appeared. It was more solid than I’d expected, however, and sticky too. It clung to my body like tar. Every move I made to pull away only served to tighten its hold over me, wrapping me up bit by bit and pulling me deeper into its cold embrace.

“What a scam. I was promised a chance at life not being a chance at being some black snotball’s meal.” Despite my perilous situation, I wasn't feeling all that bothered. I was technically dead anyway. While not the ideal outcome, I had more or less come to terms with the fact of my demise. The whole ‘new life’ shtick was basically a shot in the dark; I never put much faith in it. What did a dead man have to lose? Some might say his soul, but I’d take a corporeal life of lust and luxury over than incorporeal gobbledygook.

My body was now halfway inside the sphere. Unless anything amazing happened I would be swallowed up without any difficulty. Was this a fitting end for a man like me? How was I supposed to know? All I knew was that dying was a drag, sacrificing yourself was stupid bullshit, interdimensional travel was pretty fun and if I could do it, I’d happily trade places with anybody dumb enough to take my place. Was there even anyone who'd take my place? Probably not. But give me a week and fancy suit and I’d guarantee I’d have at least four such fools ready to go.

Wouldn't my parents be proud of me. Inches away from my, presumably final, death and I was spending my precious time thinking of all the ways I could scam somebody into taking my place in whatever hell this sphere was. Was that my fault? Or was it their’s for raising me so poorly? Doesn't matter. I’m a grown man. Whining about my parents was decades beneath me. And I sure as hell wasn’t gonna give them the privilege of being my last thought before I died. No. That honor was reserved for thinking of the most badass thing I could say before the sphere was done eating me. An awesome, final one liner to cement my going out in sty—

“Shit. I got nothing.”

“Slurp!!”

And just like that I was swallowed up faster than a load of sperm at gloryhole.