Prologue 3

Hey, everyone! It’s me! I’m alive! Crazy I know, but apparently that orb lady wasn't lying. Shame on me for misjudging her. After being sucked in, I found myself being launched out of a pool of murky black water. I barely managed to correct my self in time before my naked ass crashed down in front of a weird-looking statue. Naturally, being myself, I went about criticizing the poor artistic value of the statue—the antlers were too large to be realistic, the legs were too long and thin to support a bear’s body, the face looked like an ugly mix of a turtle and leopard, the mix of scales and fur covering the body were too haphazard and messy, the wings were useless given the statue’s massive size, etc—when Orb Lady popped out of nowhere and started to berate me like a old Chinese lady asking for a discount.

Apparently the weird statue I was casting judgement on was an avatar of the Entity; that explained why it was so realistic looking. I had previously chalked it up to exquisite albeit poor-tasting craftsmanship, but godly shenanigans also fit the bill quite nicely. The real question in this case was why the fuck did most gods have such bad aesthetics? Call me uncultured but I never got why they preferred bland, white stone over brightly colored paintings to convey their divinity. But was this Entity a god? Hey, it messed with souls and sent me on a hell of a trip, even if it wasn't a actually a god that was enough for me to consider it as one…assuming that everything up until now wasn't just some fever dream brought on by a bad batch of cough syrup.

A few arguments and a failed attempt at swatting away Orb Lady like I had always dreamed of doing to a certain fairy ever since I first played Ocarina of Time, and I was now prostrated on the ground in front of the Entity’s avatar with Orb Lady sitting smugly on my back. She had no face but I knew smug when I saw it. I once owned a pet cat, after all; the damned furball never did thank me for rescuing it from the shelter.

[ Insolent! I can't believe you were so rude to the Entity’s glorious form! Why, I am of the mind to strike you down right here and now. ]

“Hahahaha! Glorious? Ever been to the Louvre, lady? Neither have I but I can tell you that I’ve seen amateur porn that looks less of a train wreck than that piece of shit.”

[ Bastard! The Entity promised to grant you new life! The others of your kind acted humble and thankful before such a gift, what right do you have to act so wretchedly!? ]

“Right? Well first, to quote a wonderful classic, ‘You can't take away people’s right to be assholes’. And second, as anyone who knows me can testify, I am just naturally a thankless bastard. And third, just because you're gonna bring me back to life doesn't mean I’m gonna fawn over you. Let’s get that clear. I’ll suck a dick or two if necessary, but nobody better expect me to play to the eager little buttslut, clear? I’m here for the extra life, not to be some deity’s dog.”

[ They are above common deities! ]

“Well good for them. But I don't care.”

[ The Entity is the grand architect of creation! ]

“Architect? They don't do much, you know. Bring me the engineer of creation, and then maybe, maybe you’ll see some ass kissing going on. Won't be too hot, though. My tongue is practiced against targets of the female variety not…whatever the hell this Entity is supposed to be.”

[ You little!— ]

[ Enough, sister! ]

Another ball of light came out of nowhere and gave what looked like the ball of light equivalent of a headbutt to Orb Lady, knocking her into the distance.

[ What are you doing!? ]

[ Stopping your inappropriate behavior to Creator’s test subject. ]

“Hey, don't call me a test subject. I have feelings, you know. Tiny, immature and inappropriate ones, but feelings all the same.” In this situation shutting up might have been the better option but when I get going it’s really hard to keep me from running my mouth off. Not that I ever regretted doing so.

[ This thing is unworthy of Their gift! ]

[ Irrelevant. He was chosen by the Entity. It is not up to you to decide. ]

“Yeah, Real Orb Lady. Go tell that Fake Orb Lady off!” I was a bit embarrassed that I’d mixed up the two Orb Ladies. They just looked so similar. Was that racist? Orbist? It was something-ist.

[ You’re seriously fine with this trash obtaining a place in the Grand Experiment!?! ]

[ …Again, sister. It is the Creator’s choice. We only follow. Not judge. ]

…

Don't go waiting for my input. Frankly, I was getting bored of their whole back and forth. Patience wasn't my strong suit, remember? It was interesting in the beginning, but its not like I hadn't seen more than enough arguments back on Earth already—Spanish television was really entertaining. So while they were distracted I dragged my naked ass across the ground towards the foot of the Entity’s crappy statue avatar.

Now that I was closer to it, I could see that the statue was actually a living being. Its flesh and scales just happened to be gray and mimic the appearance of stone. When you spent a lifetime talking shit about statues you learned a thing or two how do differentiate them from living creatures. That and hunting gargoyles also served to give me some experience. I’m just kidding. I didn't spend a lifetime talking shit about statues, even I don't have that much free time.

Now, what did I feel like doing? If I was honest, I wanted to stab the Entity’s avatar. Not out of malice or anything like that. I just wanted to do it. You know that dark thought at the back of your head that tells you to drop the baby or kick the child? This was sorta like that. I held it back, though, since I wanted to get that extra life. Most beings tended not to do what you wanted after you stabbed them for no good reason. Speaking from experience here.

“Hahaha! Well aren't you a unique human!”

“What!? The fuck! Who is this!?

“I’m the Entity those two over there are arguing over.”

“Oh, so you're that guy.” Great more mind to mind conversations. It was more efficient and cooler to an extent, but I really couldn't stand being deprived of hearing my lovely voice.

“Hm? You calmed down quickly.”

“The unknown is always scarier than the known. I might crap myself at a mysterious voice from nowhere, but you won't get a peep out of me if I know who’s talking and where they are.”

“So this form of mine doesn't scare you?”

The Avatar lowered its head and stared me in the eye. Having three sets of bright gold-green orbs, each larger than my whole head, was slightly unsettling. I felt like a mouse being watched by an owl. Not sure if it wanted to eat me. If it did, there would be effort required on the Avatar’s part.

“If you were listening earlier, then you must have heard my opinions on that form of yours. Not sure what is there to be scared about a Romero’s Zoo Two reject.”

The Avatar’s head vibrated as the glow of amusement shone in its eyes. “Interesting. You are the among the few humans to act like this towards me.”

“Really? That's disappointing. We’re a race of assholes and cocks, after all. Its really saddening to see my race abandon its roots when faced with whatever you are.”

“Haha! I can assure you that your kind is still as rude as you claim. The others’ minds were full of insults as well. Only, they didn't vocalize their thoughts as much as you.”

“Duh. Only an idiot would speak their mind. That's the first lesson you learn as a human being. Say what they want to hear, not what you want to say.”

“So what does that make you? By your standards you are being an exemplary fool.”

“That lesson only applies when talking to humans, and only when you're trying to get something out of them. If faking politeness doesn't give me anything, no reason why I should. Besides. Since your servants could read my mind so easily, it's safe to assume that you’d know all the rude things I’m thinking the moment they popped up. No use in censoring myself then, right?”

“I agree.”

“Wow. Is that a grin? Nice to you godly types can smile. Nothing would be more disappointing than an emotionless god.”

“You really are something, Richard. Though, based on what I can read from you, you’d rather be called Dick.”

“Yup. That's what I am, so I better be upfront and honest about it.”

“You really are honest for a human.”

“Nah. If I’m honest, then Hitler was right. In the art of being fake if I claim to be number two, no one would claim to be never one.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! For example: I’ve been acting in a way that would make me most appealing to you. I’m sure your mind reading can tell that.”

“Oh? You actually said that upfront? I’m surprised.”

“If you already know, then what’s the point in continuing? Besides, my read is telling me that you're the kind of guy who likes this type of thing.”

“…You presume to be able to read an entity like me?”

“As long as it has emotions, I can read anyone!”

“And your read is saying that I like upfront and honest types?”

“Yup! Though, I’m not sure how that’ll bite me in the ass later since you obviously know that I am a snake in baby rabbit’s clothing.”

The Avatar gave me one long look before flashing me a grin. Next, it quite literally dissolved into nothing and faded from the space in front of me entirely. Naturally, the sudden disappearance of their god made the two Orb Ladies rush over a panic like a dolphin chased by a great white shark.

[ Creator! Creator! Where are you! ]

[ Where did They go? Did They finish the interview already? ]

[ Interview!? What interview!? ]

[ Mister Dick’s interview, of course. Creator told me to stall you while They spoke. ]

“Hey, if you’re gonna call me Dick, then I’d prefer if you used Senior instead of Mister. And try to do your best Antonio Banderas accent, please. Try to make it as Puss in Boots as possible.” Love Shrek. Greatest animated movie of the century if you asked me.

[ Could! You! Please! Just! Shut! Up! ]

With a dramatic yell—the “I wanna kill you, you annoying bastard” kind that I was so used to—Fake Orb Lady charged at me with enough bloodlust to make me pause for a moment. I blame my new body. It just wasn't as used to danger as my old one was.

Fake Orb Lady transformed mid-flight from her orb form into something resembling an angel with flaming hair, golden wings and a fiery sword. Shame that she was naked, though. Add some golden armor and you’d have a perfect image to put on canvas, currently, however, she’d be nothing more than a dime in a dozen nude angel paintings.

I didn't bother dodging her manic charge. I highly doubt that the Entity would let me die to its servant. It had the air of a warm but strict father. If my people skills didn't fail me, the Entity would intervene in three, two, one.

You're a really cheeky human, Dick.

Thanks. I try to be.

The Avatar’s clawed hand suddenly shot out of a rift in midair and pulled the screaming war angel inside without any difficulty. The look on confusion on her face was certainly a treat. It made the sadist inside of me flutter up on leathery’ misery-fueled wings.

I turned to Real Orb Lady and nodded my head. “Now that everything’s done, I suppose we can get this show on the road?”

[ Yes. The last thing left is the stat allocations. I assume you remember my earlier explanation? ]

The edge of my lip curled up in a smile. “Like a blind man remembers the last image he saw.”