So you’re naked and alone huh, adventurer? Well don’t worry. This guide is a comprehensive walkthrough of how to get from where you are now, to a wildly successful adventurer like me. I can say that with confidence as this guide is almost completely based off my own experiences with my good fellow adventurers. I also understand that not everyone is naked and alone in the same way, so I’ve allowed some freedom of choice for my avid fans and readers. Oh you might need dice. If you don’t have dice then just do your best!

“Well that was heartening. Alright page one let’s go!”

You wake up in a clearing completely naked. A quick perusal of your surroundings reveals you are in a somewhat sparse forest with tall grass filled with flowers ending at the tree line. The scene would be almost picturesque if not for the immodest form of your dress and the fact that the flowers kept yelling things at you like “hope you got a discount at the dick store for damaged goods,” and “Holy shit I saw your ass and thought there was a solar eclipse.”

Roll a will save to avoid being emotionally traumatized.

At the edge of the clearing there is a small lookout post, essentially a ladder and a basket that looks out over a gap in the trees.

You can see mountains behind you and what seems to be a large plain more to your front. Looking closely, you can see a river winding its way through the plain.

I’m assuming you didn’t head for the mountains like a raging cock-sucker because you’re naked you stupid twat, but if, on the off-chance your nakedness and the fact it gets fucking cold in mountains didn’t somehow dissuade you, you start toward the mountains. Suddenly, you hear a terrible shrieking coming from somewhere ahead of you. It sounds like the cross between a bear and some stuck-up brat who wasn’t hugged as a child. Do you continue? If you fucking did then you just got eaten by a troll you fuckwad.

NOW THEN. So we chose NOT to go towards the mountains of death yes? So you head towards the plain. (I swear to god if you say ‘I’ll go ALONG the mountain BETWEEN the options’ I’ll fucking drop you into a portal to hell.) You trudge through the trees, getting plenty of cuts on your feet and spiders on your face as any pleasant hike includes, and eventually make your way to the plain. Holy shit, what’s that in the distance? What? The fuck-huge elephant thing? Haha no, my spot check failed. Oh then the town?

HOLY SHIT A TOWN. You found the town! An elderly gardener emerges from the bushes and sarcastically applauds while grinning with a totally legitimate smile. Don’t interact with him. He’ll just recede back into the bushes, give him time.

Right! So the town. Yes. You uneventfully walk to the town. Actually, fuck it, roll two d10. If you fuckers got below 30 you got bitten by a rattlesnake and are now dying, which would mean you uneventfully SPRINT to the town. Unless that would make you die faster I really don’t know. OKIE. So let’s regroup. Either you’re dying and running at the town or uneventfully walking to the town, either way the guard stops you.

“Holy shit” says the guard. She blushes while her guard buddy starts panting. Her guard buddy is a dog so that might be normal. You say some shit to her or try to run in butt you’re naked so she stops you and asks “What’s that sticking out of your butt?” Im assuming you search your butt you fucking perverts and you’re supposed to find something but if my math is right I’ve already had nine shots so I don’t really remember what it was supposed to be. Oh wait shit I got it. Ok so you find adventurer ID’s in your butts. Riiiiight up in there. She was looking pretty closely, y’know, for bombs and shit. Anyway so you’ve got yer IDs so guard lady’s like “Wow! Holy shit you fucked up motherfuckers keep that in your ass? Ok well I’m sure as fuck not touching that go talk to the adventurer guild lady.”

Hmm you’re naked. You can go to the adventurer guild lady if you want or explore the town. Guaran-fucken-tee one of you shits is gonna be like “I go to the tailor to b-b-buy some clothes.” And then the tailor is gonna call the guards on you spitfucks for not understanding why the fuck you walked into his shop naked and you’re gonna get arrested. “Wait look my ID I just want clothes!” Fuck no they aren’t touching that shit you perverted bastard. Go spend a free night in jail.

Alright it’s morning and some poor slut had to take your ID’s and they found out you’re adventurers so the guild gave you some clothes and now you’re in the guild. Okk. Right. Talk to, like, the guild lady. The tomorrow me will make some shit up for what she says to you. It summarizes as ‘Holy shit how convenient for us and unfortunate for you that you’re here! There’s this weird-sass plague going around that makes people WAYY more manly for some reason. You can see them all over town bench-pressing goats and smacking each other with swords so that their ‘velvety man-paws’ can finally grow into the hands of a real man.’ ‘Anyway we gave you clothes you poor fuckers so solve this shit as payment. Go talk to the villagers and find some shit out.’ You see a villager nearby, at the back of the inn.

Villager 1 (Aggressively chopping wood shirtless):

Villager 2 & 3 (Bench pressing goat, other spotting):

Villager 4 (Practicing Sumo, or perhaps yoga, manly yoga):

Villager 5 (Little girl):

HINT :: the cure is to give a magic goat an erection, but the goat is super turned off by incredible manliness.

Good luck, scrubs.

“Eric Goatfucker who hurt you.” I look at the second to last sentence, “oh…”.