My life spiraled into a pit of darkness after that. That's how Yozo must have been feeling. Being real in the world with no reality or being unreal in a world too real, either way Yozo and Dazai and I, we didn't fit in. It was too much for our consciences to take. We simply couldn't compromise, because lying to ourselves was the greatest pain we knew.

I ran away, finally. I didn't stop for three days, I didn't leave the town though, I was probably too scared to do that. I slept in parks any lonely place I could find. But I was never much of a sleeper anyway. An hour of sleep would do it for me. I ate in odd places, just enough to keep me going. I had barely any money, it was gone in three days.

During these three days, I met Paccon twice. I didn't tell him anything but I bet he figured it out. We talked vaguely about small things and big things, I don't remember.

"I don't think people ought to do that. If you're gonna do that, then you might as well run all over the planet. Ain't nothing to lose, is there?", Paccon was talking about me, or so I imagined.

Back then, I wonder if I had been considering suicide. I've always hated it and yet at some point, it became such a convenience. Thinking back, I bet my world changed quite a bit and drastically too, for me to have changed my ideas so much. I can't say I regret it. I've become much more open to ideas in general. Nothing seems to me repulsive. I can't seem to like anything. I can't seem to feel a lot either. I just go on and on and on. I wish I would just stop.

I saw Paccon the night of the third day. He knew just where to find me. We reminisced about the old days, with the club and with Kuma and with his friend who was always late. He saw him quite often these days and he said we'd soon be the three of us. I thought that would have been fine. And then we stayed silent for a very long time.

"Paccon", I figured it was time for me to leave, "I'm going home."

" I see"

"But I'll be back."

"You would."

"Yeah. Very soon."

"That's good. He'll be here too by the time you're back."

"Yeah. That'd be great."

"Well. It was nice and all", Paccon said, "It really was. We click good, don't we?"

"I'd been thinking the same."

"Yeah, well I'll be right here when you come back."

I nodded. Promises, promises, promises.

"And well you know, I think I'll miss you", I didn't wait for his reply, "Bye now!"

I intended to go back, I believe. I wish I could. I was gonna go back, right?

Right.

But that's me. I can't do it. I can't live a lie. I can't fool myself. I had to come home. And I did. And so did Yozo. We can't let go of our own thoughts and monsters. We are trapped in there. There's this hell inside and that's what we always come back to.