Captain Lawg sat at the bar, watching various women and observing them as they dismissed his glances and left. His mojo was on empty, and he wasn’t spotting any 8's or higher that seemed interested. He spotted a cute little green number sitting alone and made his way to her table with a fruity drink. Just as he began to enter personal conversation range, a rather well-built black man swooped in and sat down, appearing to have just returned from the bathroom or somewhere. Lawg spun and dodged the stranger, pretending to be dancing, and pretending poorly. For the sake of cover, he approached a rather unsightly species of female and handed her the drink.

"Oh hello, what's-" she started

"My name is not important." Lawg muttered under his breath.

"Oh, how mysterious." said the unsightly rando.

"Listen carefully. I am on an important mission which I cannot discuss and I am undercover. I am improvising here, so just pretend to be dancing with me and take the free drink." he said faking a big smile and looking obvious.

"Really? Are you a spy?" asked the desperate and gullible alien

"You could say there is some spying going on, sure. Just follow my lead." he said badly dancing and guiding her around as a blocker.

"So if this is spy work, then you really don’t want to talk to me, do you?"

"Not remotely." he said poking his head up to see over her shoulder and being more obvious.

"Then what reason do I have to play along?" she asked dryly.

"Free drink and 20 credits cash." he replied

"Okay!" she said suddenly dancing badly with him. "So what is the mission?" she asked.

"Find and eliminate target." he said squinting at the tall dark stranger.

"Exciting…is he a spy too?" she asked,

"Sure." he nodded, dialing up his earpiece.

The dark stranger smiled and puffed on his e-cigarette, talking to the attractive green girl at the table. Lawg couldn’t make out any words, but he could tell they were chatting.

"So, do you have the package or not?" The strange man asked, getting his attention. She slid him something under the napkin and he discreetly slid her a roll of credits. "Thank you, much obliged." he suspiciously said, standing up. Lawg listened carefully for his moment to swoop in.

"So do you work here in Las Vega?" asked the annoying dance partner.

"No, I'm a captain, I live on the ship." he muttered.

"I thought you were a spy." she said raising an eyebrow.

"I said I was spying, captains can spy. I could be a spy and a captain" he said suddenly breaking off the dance and placing a 20 in her hand and downing her beverage.

"Hey, asshole. You promised me free 20 AND free drinks!"

"There is your 20, go get your free drinks." he dodged, sitting down across from the sexy little green gal. "Well hello there, beautiful…you wanna go for a cruise?" he grinned.

"No, I don’t." she said standing up and walking off. He looked perplexed, following her as she left the place.

"Hey, wait…I think we got off on the wrong side of the shoe." he said swiping a random drink from the counter as he left.

"What does that mean, and why are you following me?" she asked, looking aggressive.

"It's an old Earth expression, never mind. The point is I will leave you alone, just hear me out, and give me 3 sentences before you make your decision." he proposed.

"You got 2." she said crossing her arms.

"Okay… you are the most beautiful thing I have seen all week in my relentless search for beautiful things and I would love to take you to dinner or buy you a drink. secondly, I am a Captain, I have my own ship, so that is a notable point." he said waiting for the reply.

"Interesting…go away." she said turning and walking casually.

"Damn…should have negotiated another sentence, could have sealed the deal with the hot-tub…" he pondered. "I HAVE A HOT-TUB!!!" he bellowed. No response. He stood, confused at his massive miss and wondering what he did wrong.

"A ship you say?" said a deep masculine voice from behind him. He turned to see the same dark-skinned individual that blocked him earlier.

"You got the wrong idea, buddy. I don’t fly that rout." he said looking nervous.

"And you got the wrong idea regarding my interest. Roy D is the name. I'm not interested in you…just your ship, specifically where it goes. I need a ride to the next station and I can pay." he informed.

"Absolutely not." said the Captain. Roy handed him 300 credits and his look of alarm turned to cheerful. "We depart tomorrow at noon, so don’t be late. Pleasure doing business with you." he smiled, handing him a card, returning to the bar for space-poon.

You gave your parking receipt to a stranger?" Uka asked the Captain with a look of exhaustion. Marley hopped down from his chair and approached.

"That is a bad idea Lawg." he muttered.

"Well…he needed to know what ship to go to. I didn’t have paper and pen handy so I gave him the stub, so what?" Lawg asked.

"You realize he could have just handed that to the desk clerk and got right on the ship, right? Moreover, if none of us were on the ship, he could have stolen it. You do grasp why that is the dumbest thing you have done since you tried to weaponize the toaster?" asked Uka.

"Toast-inator almost worked. Also…he paid 300 credits. All we gotta do is tolerate him for 2 days tops and drop him off at Theta Station 33, which we were going to already. What is the big deal?" asked Lawg.

"The big deal?!?" barked Uka. "You just invited a stranger to our ship, we have no idea who he is, and it's a terrible idea to just be letting hitchhikers tag along on a whim over a few hundred credits!" she hollered as Roy showed up and she caught a glimpse of him. He smiled slightly as he flexed his chiseled arms.

"Hi, I'm Roy. Supposed to be here at noon." he smiled with a gleam. Uka's eyes got bigger then usual.

"Right this way sir." she giggled. "You can have my bunk, I'll sleep…somewhere, it doesn’t matter. Let me get your bags." she said almost drooling. Lawg stood looking jealous as Duffy approached. Marley looked confused.

"That was weird…she sure changed her tune…is it mating season for humanoids?" he asked.

"It is now." smirked Duffy. Lawg elbowed her and she elbowed him back, almost dropping him. Lawg wheezed and looked mad.

"Come on, he's not THAT great looking. That dumb little pink Mohawk tells the story, plus he was flirting with me at the bar." Lawg explained.

"So…you invited him to the ship because you want to expand your options?" Duffy asked, half joking.

"Oh very funny. Three hundred credits is why he is here. We're giving him a lift and that's it. It's quick money for nothing." he protested.

"I'm just busting your twig, Lawg." Duffy joked. "But seriously though, I think Uka may go with him when he goes. Never seen her interested in anyone before. I assumed she was a lesbian." she shrugged. Lawg nodded.

"Yea, when the old Lawg charm didn’t work, I assumed the same thing. Maybe she just wants what she can't have, first the handsomely rugged captain until I flirted back of course, and now the gay drifter. Poor confused little lady." he shook his head.

"Why do we think he is gay?" asked Marley.

"It's obvious." said Lawg. "That tight shirt and the way he moves is just oddly feminine, the pink Mohawk, those ridiculously stylish sunglasses, and that whole bad-boy act that is clearly compensating." he pointed out as Marley just agreed.

"You must be joking. He's not gay." said Duffy. "So he has pink hair, neon is trendy in this sector, maybe he's just stylish. The tight clothes are probably to show off his bod, I mean…he is basically a marble statue of human perfection." she admitted. The Captain looked appalled.

"You too?" he asked.

"Yea right, like he would want the butch mechanic over Uka, but still, I'm gonna make a move later after I clean up. Whippin up the old Duffy breakfast special manuver." she said looking sinister.

"You're gonna drug him?" asked Marley.

"No… pancakes! Damn, give a girl some credit. Fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach…his chiseled, probably freshly waxed stomach."

"Damn Duffy, professional conduct on the bridge, Captain's orders." Lawg said to no effect.

"Hey, you brought the beef onboard…don’t get mad when the ladies get's a little hungry." she said heading to the kitchen to find her recipe book. Lawg tossed his arms up in total disbelief. He stood there arms crossed next to Marley.

"I don’t get it. I put out the vibe…I own a friggin starship…what gives? I work out, I bathe regularly, only person to flirt with me is the gay dude. I'm a prime example of manly stability…right?" he asked Marley.

"Sir, for the record, I am not the one to be asking here…I should point out that I am a straight, unhappily married Delmarian…or what you so often refer to as a space-bunny…so I'm not sure what response you expect." he defended.

"Nothing." he sighed. "Just talking to myself and looking for support from the only crewmember that seems to grasp my awesomeness."

"I am sure regarding your species' standards you are a beautiful male of high desirability, but I have launch-checks to prep for and I simply don’t care about this." he said dryly waddling away, checking his scanner for the checklist.

"You're right, little buddy…I am a beautiful specimen…just out of practice, little rusty. Just gotta burn out the cobwebs and get back into the game…" he said looking determined. "We'll see who the alpha male is around here."

Roy stood, holding a rather huge barbell in one hand as the skinny, shirtless Captain wheezed frantically on the floor next to the cargo weight-bench.

"Good thing I came to check on my bike, you could have been killed." Roy said casually laying the barbell on the ground with one arm, as the Captain rubbed his sore arm and lifted the toppled weight-bench back to its upright position.

"No, it's just…old injury. Spaceball-league ultimate manly man-fighting championship of masculinity." he said bluffing under his breath to mask the pain.

"Sounds pretty gay." Roy muttered.

"It wasn’t…it was full of testosteronely masculine…just drop it." he grunted.

"I'm just playing with you. However, you can't be lifting without a spotter. Even medium setting can be dangerous, as we now know. Two hundred pounds is a lot for a guy your size." he said one-handed placing it back on the bench and turning off the gravity switch.

"I just happen to still be sore from unloading our last cargo. Pulled a muscle."

"No you didn’t…probably have now." Roy smirked.

"Alright, tough guy…what is your story?" he said getting puffed up.

"Define story, how far back you wanna go?" he said sitting down.

"This whole…tough guy act. You roll up in a badass space-bike, you never take off your sunglasses even indoors, and you strut in like some Alpha-duck and make me look bad in front of my crew. Get your shoes off, were gonna fight." he said kicking off his boots and talking a comically poor tough-guy stance.

"Wow, you really must have a thing for her, don’t ya?" he said looking surprised.

"Like hell, Duffy is nowhere near my level." he said throwing a proactive air-punch.

"Let's be real here. We're not talking about Duffy. Little guy like you would get killed in a fight with me and you know it…so clearly you are thinking with something besides your brain. I'm talking about the little blue-haired lady that has followed me around like a pet and sent you into showboat mode ever since." Roy leveled.

"Nah, Uka is just a crewman." he shrugged.

"Come on, Captain…we both know that’s a load of crap you can't shovel…or lift. Your blood pressure is elevated, you have a jealous rage to you that I saw at the bar and again when she ignored you for me. It's not difficult to detect, but you have nothing to worry about. I'm not interested."

"I knew it…you're one of those fancy guys." Lawg smirked.

"If by fancy you mean artificial, then yes I am." he said

"You're a clone?" he asked.

"What? No. Clone? Are you serious with that sci-fi nonsense? I can read your blood pressure from 6 feet away, super-strong, and I ride a bike in space with no suit or helmet…and you got clone out of that. Not Android?" he said shaking his head. "My damn name is Andy Roy-D, says on the bike's plates." he noted.

"You're a robot…it makes perfect sense now." he said with epiphany-face.

"Now you get it." he smiled.

"And Uka is attracted to you because she can't have you… Because you are a gay-robot. Typical women wanting what's most unavailable." he said looking more comfortable. Roy blinked a few times.

"Gender preference is a bit irrelevant when you don’t have anatomical needs, or the ability to get dirty. Kinda hard to be gay too when you are a robot, isn't it?" he hinted.

"I don’t know, I imagine so, its tough enough in this universe just being gay, I can't imagine your situation. I feel bad for ya, must be difficult to find other male robots, let alone gay ones." he sighed. "Anyway just wash your hands. I don’t know if robot gay is as contagious as normal gay, but I'm not a risk taker... or a gay."

"Wow…seriously?" he asked with a rhetorical disbelief.

"I don’t know…wait…what?" asked the confused Captain.

"You know…don’t even worry about it. I'm a gay robot…apparently. Whatever makes you feel comfortable." he said patting him on the head as he trudged off to check his bike.

Lawg stood proudly, giving Duffy a look of triumph.

"Yep…called it…gay robot." Captain Lawg said with a smile, now renewed in his own alpha-status. Duffy looked skeptical.

"Can a robot even be gay? I mean…they probably don’t even come standard with genitals unless he was a sex-matron or something. That would be obvious, they don’t make those with personality chips…or faces… usually. I wouldn’t know." she noted.

"I don’t know the details, but rest assure, there is no problem anymore. He doesn’t like women, and he won't be after me because I'm not a robot…the universe solves its own problems once again. 300 free credits and smooth sailing." he smiled as a sudden shutter rocked the ship, sounding like weapon fire.

"Smooth as bark, Lawg." said Duffy. "Someone is shooting at us and we have no weapons…why didn’t the alarm go off…?" she paused. "You unscrewed the proximity alarm light to replace the fridge bulb again, did you?" she said looking pissed.

"Nn…no." he lied suspiciously, rushing to his stations. "Fire the heat-seeker!" he ordered. Marley hopped into position for evasive steering.

"Cant…we used that on the evil shrimp last month." he reminded.

"Damn shrimp." he said dramatically shaking his fist.

"What the hell was that…you trying to lift weights again?" asked Roy.

"Nothing to worry about, just your regular ol' weapon's fire." shrugged Lawg.

"How often do people shoot at you? No, don’t answer that, I don’t wanna know." Roy said running to a terminal and putting his hand on it.

"Hey, hands off the weaponry controls." barked Lawg.

"You got no damn weapons! What could I possibly hurt?" he barked back.

"Touché… as you were." he squinted.

"So, this ship has nothing…stealth drive offline, no cloak, no guns, and one empty missile tube…did you lose a bet to end up with this shit-heap?" he asked.

"Hey! The SS Tast-E-Chill is a historical relic and a damn good ship, not a world war-craft, or even an updated star-craft. She wasn’t designed to fight, only to deliver sweet goodness to all the children of the galaxy. She carries love, not war…sweet sugary, frozen love." he said almost in tears.

"Man, I have no idea what you are talking about but it's creeping me out and I don’t care. Fact is we have a Delmarian fighter on our ass and he is hailing us. I can get us out of this but you gotta trust me." he said.

"Do we have a third option, aside from trust a gay-robot with my ship or be shot to pieces by space-bunnies?" he asked hesitantly.

"Nope." Roy said calmly.

"Well shit-pickle." Lawg muttered. "Do whatever it is you do then."

"Captain Lawg sat silently with his head down as 3 armed Delmarian warriors boarded the ship, and the crew of the Tast-E-Chill stared at the barrel of a Delmarian gun.

"So as you can see…" explained Roy. "This ship is not even worth stealing, so how about we just go our separate ways and you take a crate of Orangelo liquor for the trouble." he suggested.

"This ship is supposed to have Frozen Dairy aboard. This is not a cargo vessel!" said the lead rabbit, angrily flaring his ears up.

"Look, I'm just gonna level with ya. This aint my ship or crew, I'm just riding with them to the next base so how about you just let me go and I'll show you where the Captain keeps the valuables." he said as the women looked shocked and betrayed.

"Okay, we will accept the valuables…do you object to us killing the crew?" asked the leader.

"I'd wait till you get the stuff from the safes in case they have a safe password…unless you wanna just assume everything is just "password". After that I really don’t care." he shrugged

"You man-toaster-loving man-toaster!" barked Lawg as the armed guard stuffed a rag in his mouth.

"And what about the bike in the cargo hold?" asked the lead bunny.

"That's mine, so it doesn’t go with the rest." he said looking irritated.

"And what If that is the valuable item I want?" he smiled with a yellow-toothed grin.

"Shit…I need to get a cover for that thing." Roy sighed, kicking the lead bunny and disarming him. He turned and placed 2 rounds in the guard's back before aiming at the last one and raising the guard's gun to his accomplice. "Now we got a new situation. The bike is not for grabs but the other take just doubled." he smiled.

"What do you mean?" asked the new lead-bunny, cocking the gun.

"I mean the cargo just doubled because you got a 2 way split instead of 4. Cuz I shot 2 of you. Nobody pays attention. So you wanna be a smart bunny and take the deal, leave my bike alone, and let me go…or do we have a problem?" he asked.

"Deal." it nodded.

"Good, now can you hand me my keys so I can go?" he asked. The bunny turned and looked for the keys. As the second turned his head, Roy fired one shot into each and quickly gathered the guns, handing them to the crew. Captain Lawg pointed the gun at him and looked as if he was about to quote a western, creating a tension in the air as an ominous western whistle in the background distracted Marley.

"Where did the music come from?" Marley asked quietly. "We need to get the coms fixed."

"What the hell, Lawg?" asked a very casual Roy, crossing his arms.

"Now I have the gun, and I make the rules." he growled.

"You dumbass, I just saved the ship and shot all the car-jack-rabbits. Why are you pointing at me?"

"I heard your plan, leave us to die and save yourself." he said angrily.

"That was just a distraction. I can only shoot two people at once and he had a gun on you. I bluffed them the whole time you brick-headed lunatic. Why would I give you the gun if I was on their side?" he asked.

"That is a good point. Why would you risk your life for us?" he asked.

"I'm a damn robot, I didn’t risk shit. I could have taken 20 shots from these guns and been just fine. Minor repairs. Only part of me that isn't titanium reinforced is my damn aftermarket aluminum ankles. I didn’t want anyone shooting the crew or my bike, so I took a gamble. That bike is more expensive than I am. I'm a model 33." he explained. Duffy chucked to herself. Lawg gave her a look of confusion so she stifled her chuckling.

"Magic Model 33, I thought I recognized the model. He's a Dance-bot." she cackled.

"An upgraded Dance-bot, thank you very much!" he corrected.

"Wait…what is a dance-bot?" asked Lawg. Roy looked like he had been put under spotlight. The lights flickered from the shootout, placing a convenient spotlight on Roy.

"The Magic Model company ran the stage and choreography business for like 10 years. Every pop-star in the galaxy went through MM and they found out that they could retrofit the old combat android 33's that the military decommissioned. The Combat Android 33's were designed to be sparring robots for troops to train on so we were made to move and move well. Moreover, the cheap-ass ankles made us targets for the sparring soldiers and then they kept trying to trip everybody on the battlefield. Big lawsuit, lotta deaths. They re-programmed us as choreography drones for the pop-stars because we cost less then hiring actual dancers and we never forget a move, plus it's not like anyone at a concert is gonna shoot you in the ankles. I was worn out, so they threw me out, forgot to turn off my hard-drive first, so I just walked away before the trash truck came. I got some aftermarket combat programs re-installed in case they came looking for me and I am in the process of upgrading my drivers so I can make a life for myself." he finished as Duffy snickered.

"So you are a sparring robot, re-programmed to be a dancer, and reprogrammed again to be a sparring robot again?" asked Duffy.

"Basically. I liked the Dancing gig so I kept both. That flash-drive I bought at the bar…was a hacked mod boot-up to let me keep both my programs." he explained.

"Then why the secrecy?" asked Lawg, putting down the gun.

"It’s a pirated version…I bought it off some space-pirates a week ago and made the drop today. Until I wipe the security codes, I'm a wanted mandroid." he said adjusting his shaded.

"Oh come on, Illegal downloads are a minor offence. They would just fine you a few credits and let you go." Lawg said skeptically.

"Sure…if you are biological. They crack down on you if you are a robot. Illegal piracy is a deleting offence for a defective dance-bot. The pop-music industry takes its piracy very serious in this sector." he explained. Marley climbed the table and checked the back of his neck.

"Yep…it’s a USB7, that’s a problem. Anything old enough to have those ports is really too outdated to handle the cracked software encryption. Gotta do it manually. I can whip something up that'll bypass the copyright signal. Give me like 2 hours, I'll patch something together." Marley said

"Really? You'd do that for me?" he asked.

"Sure, technically with the codes you'd be our property anyway so they couldn’t confiscate you without our permission as long as you stayed with us. We could use an android with combat files and you could use the cover." suggested Marley. Uka cleared her throat.

"Wait…is anyone else really uncomfortable with this subject?" she asked "…a white Captain exploiting a legal loophole to own a black android as property?" she asked. Marleuy broke the silence.

"I vote we immediately dodge the uncomfortable topic before we offend anyone and just pretend we didn’t point that out. Then, assuming any outsider skipped that part, he is just one of the crew and we narrowly avoided a very dark and ironic subject that would probably be overanalyzed and mistaken for racism, otherwise driving us away from a lighthearted and generally relaxed existence." said Marley, ignorantly raising his hand as if to vote. Everyone casually shrugged and muttered in agreement as Uka threw her arms out in frustration and walked away. Roy seemed fine with it. "So I guess let's welcome Roy as our newest crewman and weapon-specialist." said Marley, followed by several awkward cheers and handshakes. Lawg leaned in mid-shake as if to challenge.

"Just don’t make yourself competition. I have a standing reputation as the Alpha-duck in this sector and I don’t take well to competition. Can you promise me you won't block me again like you did in the bar?" asked Lawg, raising his rifle just slightly.

"Did you really miss that whole conversation about how the woman you were after was actually a pirate and just selling me activation codes…and the other part about me being an android…a re-programmed dance-bot that wouldn’t even have genitals?" he reminded.

"Oh, right…I got distracted by the tech stuff." said Lawg, scratching his head.

"You might look into upgrading your own RAM too, I think you may be running software more defective than anyone." Marley said peering into his eyes like he was looking for something way down in there that resembled life. Lawg stepped closer with an intimidation stance.

"I don’t quite get what you are implying, so I'll just be blunt with you. I don’t care of you are a gay, black, neutered or android, as long as you and I are on the same page that I don’t swing that way, and you can control yourself, we can be friend." he said firmly.

"Seriously?" he asked dryly as if realizing the argument was in a hopeless loop of stupidity and contradiction. "Fine, you have my word as a gay robot that I'll control myself. You're not even my type…cuz I only like gay robots." He nodded, just to move the plot forward. The captain smiled and shook his hand. He suddenly walked away, took the helm and Roy stood there with Marley just shaking his head slowly.

"Your Captain is a complete idiot…isn't he?" Roy asked.

"Oh yea, dense as a lead ingot." Marley yawned.

"He does understand that you can't have a gender preference without gender…right?" asked Roy.

"Nope…probably better if you just don’t explain it to him. He has enough difficulty just remembering to remove the parking break. He managed to get a landing gear stuck in the hull last week, had to cut it out with a torch, took 6 hours."

"I thought these dairy-haulers didn’t have landing gear." he said looking perplexed.

"They don't. That’s what makes it so spectacularly stupid. Never underestimate the truly mind-numbing capacity for that man to screw up anything…and then immediately get so insanely lucky to negate the problem he just created. Welcome to the SS Tast-E-Chill, where space is weird and weird shit happens in space." Marley said with ears drooping as if to give a moment of silence to intelligent potential long deceased.

"Well, you did get pretty lucky. If I hadn't showed up you would have probably all died." he smirked.

"Na, their guns would have backfired or something. He is basically invincible due to the sheer level of impossible fortune that Chaffee's seem to have. Pretty ironic, since they have almost gone extinct from being so dumb." Marley yawned.

"So what is that blue-haired chick so pissed about? I don’t take up a bunk, or food or water, or oxygen so you gained a crewman at no cost, an android capable of reducing the workload and requiring no significant cut of the resources, plus whatever weaponry we can scavenge off a Delmarian Fighter craft, and you dodged certain death without an injury. I'd call that a good day." Roy noted.

"I dunno. She is mad a lot. I think everyone else is psyched about having a robot and she is mad because you don’t have functional pants-parts. I think it's mating season for her species and…well, you met the captain so even she has standards." he said, hopping off the table.

"That poor humanoid, girl. What species is she exactly?" he asked.

"You know…I keep wondering that myself, but we never seem to get anywhere with that question… it's like every time I want to ask, we get side-tracked." he said scratching his furry head.

"Well…I'm gonna work on my bike. Maybe Duffy can help me figure out why the radio won't work." said Roy.

"I mean, you are riding a bike in the vacuum of space. That might be the problem; I'd guess the radio requires a helmet and suit to make that whole thing functional. Then again she got the external ice-cream jingle speaker working fine, so what do I know?" he shrugged, heading to his bunk for a soda and a nap.

"Well…this is an interesting bunch of weirdoes…beats getting my hard-drive formatted though." Roy said making his way to the corpses, heading to the air lock with the dead bodies trailing by the ears. He pressed the button and de-pressurized. "Overall, not a terrible evening." he smiled as the 4 furry corpses frosted over and silently drifted away. He began whistling and shuffling a little number as he went.