The Reverend Emanuel Placate of Sleepy Bottom has turned up in Egypt this week and revenants of all persuasions are warned to be on the alert.

He had barely signed in at the King Tut Hotel and dropped off his suitcase than he was assessing the statues and art relics that adorn the foyer. Much to the dismay of the human owner, he took exception to a re-creation of a page from the book of the dead and proceeded to destroy it and lecture the owner, staff and guests on the evils of mummification.

After a short stay in jail for destroying property he paid a satisfyingly large fine and was, unfortunately, released. On the positive side, this disrupted his purification plans for that evening, as he wasn’t let out of jail until the following morning. The reverend then strode with defiant satisfaction to bed with orders to the hotel staff to wake him around 8pm for a full English breakfast.

Nothing more was heard from him until after he had eaten his full English breakfast. He then appeared in the foyer with a back pack and stalked out the door into the night.

Reverend Placate next turned up at the local museum, where they won’t let him in due to an incident a few years ago, and scouted the perimeter, sprinkling holy water as he went. At 11pm he reached the newly opened acropolis, discovered by the archaeologists of New York and proceeded to patrol the area for any ghouls, woken mummies, zombies, or ghosts.

Mensa a well-worn zombie of the area was quickly discovered and dealt with by the experienced hunter and has sadly been dismembered and salted.

One local ghoul had a close encounter with the exorcist when he was trapped in an underground chamber with no exit. Luckily, he managed to hide by sharing the grave of a very tasty lady from the fourth century BC.

Word soon got around and the other two local ghouls managed to slip off elsewhere for their late-night snack.

Four mummies were not so lucky and have been taken off the papyrus roll-call for the afterlife.

One sacred mummified cat managed to get the word out to the right gods who set the dogs on him. Prepared for trouble Reverend Placate threw out extremely large slabs of meat to distract them. The unspecified forces then released a sacred bull who wasn’t too happy at the beef being thrown about to be eaten and went for the Reverend. There was a great deal of satisfaction for the mummy community as they watched the Apis bull chase the reverend through the acropolis and across the empty ground to the edge of the town. The dogs by that time had finished their unexpected meal and headed after the reverend, but by then he was outside their jurisdiction.

The reverend returned to King Tut’s Hotel in the early hours of the morning somewhat dishevelled and dusty with a horn sized hole in his back pack, and a trail of salt that he hadn’t realised was leaking following him across the floor.

After a good day’s rest, the Reverend Placate has checked out of the hotel and has left no forwarding address. Watch out for more on all those Do-gooders.

Byline Quothe the raven