"Well fuck." I said outloud as I slammed my hand down on my oak table, a gift from the Yakuza, watching yet another vigilante slice through my guards like they where hot butter.

You would think vigilantes would use guns, or bombs. But noooo that's apparently too normal for them. They use bows or swords like some kind of homicidal LARPERS.

My thoughts continued to trail off for a bit, as I watched the leather clad female baddass with swords, sadly and somehow not the only one in the city, Slice and dice through swarms of well armed men, dodge trips wires, and kill my guard bear for like the third time.

It's about that point I prepared the usual. A cup of red wine and faced my chair the other direction.

I heard the crash of the door, and performed my best James bond villain wheel turn, an art I had perfected over the years.

"Well! Well! Well! look who we have here! Sword maiden!" I say as I sipped on some wine.

The fine deranged murderer dressed in leather pants, a leather jacket, and carrying two katanas with a white fox mask seemed to look really disappointed there for a second.

"Its sword LADY! you killed maiden."

Oh did I? Well I'd killed a lot of masked crazies after a while they all just kinda mix together.

"Sword LADY then, what brings you to my humble multi-million dollar home?"

"For your crimes of..." I stopped listening and let her ramble about the drugs, racketeering, that one time I blew up the mayor. In my defence I did offer a bribe! I yawned which seemed to anger her. Which I expertly deduced from the fact that she was now trying to stab my throat.

I parried the blow with a knife as I pulled a gun discretely hidden on my inner thigh. I tried to fire off a shot, as I began making my way to the window. Using the shots from my gun to keep her at bay. As I made my way to the secret exit hidden behind my wine cabinet.

Preparing my witty escape speech I openend my mouth and BANG.

At first I didn't understand what happend, but then I noticed the gun in her hand, and uttered my last words.

"That's cheating!" Before being shot up with lead.

...................

Uh.....and then I didn't die. I looked around trying to figure where the hell I was. it had nice scenery, everywhere I could look was green pastures, dotted by acient looking trees as far as my eyes could see.

Looking behind I saw Uh...... "when did I start taking drugs again?"

I mused outloud as I came face to face with a man fused to a tree, a gaunt snake dropping venom in his eyes, while some lady tried futility to catch them in a bucket.

"When did you ever stop?" The man in the tree asked smuggly. I tried to retort, puased, opened my mouth, puased again, before replying with "fair."

looking around I began to come to the conclusion that no, this wasn't as LSD trip. It was as wierd as this sounds, somehow real. Man and I thought sword wielding maniacs was wierd.

"Well you are a quick study! Yes indeed this is real. Hello! my name is Loki and you are among the recently deceased." Ah, so I really did get shot, I looked downed and noticed that I was nude. And decided I didn't care too much.

"So not exactly how I imagined hell, uh Loki right?" I asked and loki nodded "so uh what happens next?" I asked honestly just wanting to get to the eternal torment I probably very much deserved.

"Well I was "hoping" for more of a reaction, which is disappointing. But besides the point. I have summoned you to my realm for a deal." The man said with a smile

"Is this one of those deals that I can't refuse." I asked to which Loki nodded and continued on while I actually listened. Which was really wierd, I usually just ignored people.

"See we gods, are not allowed to engage in the world's directly. So we use proxies of great skill like yourself. My offer is a simple one." The man puased for dramatic effect before he continued his speal.

"Be my chosen hero to bring choas to a world full of magic and swords, or go to your eternal damnnation."

I wisely thought about it for about 2 seconds and decided that no.... fire would not be a good look on me. "So uh what is you want me to do? And a follow up question, why me?" I asked genuinely curious. "I am not exactly known for my heroism."

"I simply want you to cause mayham. Also I rolled a dice. Your soul was picked. "

I looked at him, my face entirely blank. "You rolled.... a dice?" "Yep!" The God said in his weird scratchy voice.

"Ooookay then.... so uh how does work" I said before realizing that I was not in whatever green pastures I was in earlier, Instead a quick glance around, showed that I was in an office of some kind.

The walls where painted with murals of warriors fighting monsters. And all around I noticed scantily clad women with wings and the soul crushed eyes that where the staple of office workers everywhere.

"I am Brynhilder, welcome to Valhalla isekai Inc." Said a black haired girl in front of me who I had failed to notice. She like her kin seemed to have wings, but I guess HR let her wear a smart suit and a pair of glasses. corporate bullshit at its finest. Also Man I was really growing to hate this whole teleporting thing.

"I am here to guide you on to your next world on behalf of my client" She said in a clearly fake cheerful tone.

I tried to speak and found I couldn't. "For the sake of time, we do not allow for the soon to be reincarnated to speak, not at all becuase I have become annoyed at the same questions being asked for litteral eternity." Yeah I could almost feel the sheer sarcasm from the last bit.

"So, with no interruptions allow us to carry on!" She said before waving her hands, and for the second time I was really wondering what drugs I was on. As a box of text appeared in front of me.

"What you are seeing is your personal menu, it shows you your personal traits, stats, and race." She puased to make sure I understood, and then continued on as if remembering that she didn't care if I was confused.

"Your personal attribute gives you bonuses based on the choices you made in your last life.while stats are divided into 5 categories. Strength which denotes how much you can carry. endurance which is your natural defences. Charisma which is your ability to understand people on a social level. Mind which is your ability to remember information and preform multiple strings of thought. And finally luck which you will probably want a lot of."

The lady continued on droning about skills and job classes, races, I kinda stopped listening at some point. And when she was done, finally, she looked me in the eyes.

"You may now begin to choose your next life."