+2 HP

I still live.

I'm starting to heal.

The pain begins to fade.

Until it's just a memory. And fear.

I stare down at my hand and watch as the sore that had consumed my world begins to smooth and fade. It’s like the video of a popped zit played in reverse. It's not the bleached skeleton I expect, just a swollen mound of flesh.

The damage of my vicious assault against the bug much obvious then the swollen sting itself.

+1 HP

It heals slowly. Far faster then I have any right to expect from any injury before today. But slower than what I thought. 5%. My regeneration. It doesn't apply to all my health. Just what is missing, rounded up.

Still, it’s a miracle. A bitter miracle. Because even while the buzz is gone, the other sounds of the jungle intrude on my thoughts.

The howls and barks continue, but the worst is the silence that follows the roar. A distant thunder that leaves the whole jungle gasping for breath. Still.

And I know. That if a bug can do that…if I barely survived a sting. Already, I feel myself digging deeper into this ravine I fell in, trying to bury myself, so I can hide in the muddy depression -

Just for three days! I can do it, so what if it's uncomfortable, it doesn’t matter, as long as I survive. I’m already wet, anyway.

Wet.

I look down, and I feel my face burn and the tears begin to fall. Not in relief, not because I've found a way to live.

Shame.

I pull at the wet center of my shorts, feel how they cling to my skin in fading warmth, and my nose won't let me lie.

Piss.

And I hadn’t even noticed,. Hadn’t cared. I’d been so busy running from the buzzing.

Laughter.

Hiding from the bugs.

Pain.

Only to survive. To realize how awful my life has become, to know I'm going to die anyway. And the first solution I can think of is to what? Make it worse. To squirm through the mud like a worm. Just for I can have a few more miserable moments?

Why?

I couldn't stop the tears - hiccuping over the erupting humiliation. I couldn't swallow the shame, couldn't handle another bite, and it finally poured out. I stripped off my soaked shorts and underwear and threw them.

And I looked down - at the only argument I even have for being a man. A small argument.

Like last week, in the locker room - the last, worst day.

As I pulled my shirt over my head and felt hands, fingers slip into the band around my waist and tug -

As they made crude jokes and pointed at me, at the ‘little guy.’

As the laughed.

And I laughed, too - I was proud that I did. Because I was embarrassed - but it wasn’t like I should be fat and ready, not there.

All while Derek danced around me, fingers up, like he’d scored some points in a game nobody told me we were playing. Nobody told me the rules to -

I ignored him. Ignored all of them like I always did. Because it was easier. Easier to tell myself that I was being the bigger man, even if I was small. Felt small.

I waited for the laughter to stop, then I bent down -

*Slap Slap*

Laughter.

Pain.

It got worse. Not better. And even though I spun, my arm outstretched and swinging as he dodged back it was already too late. Even if I hadn’t tripped over my clothes and fallen flat, he'd already won. As he escaped into his group of buddies. I let him get away.

Pussy.

I'd been ignoring the problem. I gave it permission to continue.

“Turtle, Turtle.”

And that was just one - the latest. The worst.

But at some point they were all the worst. Now those days are just bad. Even that day is just bad, now. To avoid the pain of the bugs again, I’d do anything. I’d beg Derek to -

What was that compared to this? An inconvenience - it happened so slowly Just words at first, little pranks. And each time it only got a little bit worse -

I didn't do anything. Now it's too late.

I dumped out my back pack in a pile, reaching for a change.

*Snip Snip*

Not my clothes. I need to change. I grasp the scissors tightly, bright orange handles. Cheap blades, barely sharp enough to cut paper.

*Snip Snip*

I tried being the bigger man. Tried ignoring the pain, tried hiding from it - until I wasn't a man at all. I'm not doing it anymore.

*Snip Snip*

Maybe a bigger man wouldn't chase revenge. Maybe it makes me small.

*Snip Snip*

That's okay. I'm already the ‘little guy.’