“Beshaba,” the Changeling says as the spotlight snaps on, bringing the audience back to the stage in Gehenna. “Goddess of Misfortune and lifetime resident of the Dark Pantheon,” she adds with a bow of respect. She stands again as her smile turns into a grin and a conspiratorial eyebrow arches. “Poor chick’s got a bum wrap.” The Changeling begins to pace around in a slow circle as she begins her lecture on why she considers the goddess her friend.

“Unlike her sister, the goddess of fortune, Beshaba doesn’t like to receive gratitude and praise for no reason. She likes to see what people believe in by praising them for things no one else seems to notice. She craves respect from her peers, but she wants to earn it on her own merits. That’s why I admire her so much. But she does this thing,” the Changeling says, thinking of her friend and grinning to herself with a long-suffering sigh. “She likes to test people’s understanding of the lessons she teaches by putting certain obstacles in their way. When the person that she’s testing is getting close to proving something, she tends to watch them out of the corner of her eye. But she firmly believes in positive reinforcement. She may be a tough old bitch, but she’s a sweetheart.

“Take, for example, the Changeling before you, a wanton Chaos Bomb. Now, she and I met a long time ago at a summit, but she and I had crossed paths before. That’s the thing with gods. Their timelines get screwy because they’re constantly on the move and their memories get jumbled because they spread themselves so thin to keep up with their worshippers. Especially when it comes to Beshaba. Nailing that deity down to get her to sit still is next to impossible. However, I did at one point when I summoned her one day and read her the riot act for stirring up shit, get her to sit still. And when I realized I was in her sights, dead-stare, with no cover, I’m not gonna lie,” she says and her eyes widen a little. “I. Just about shat myself.”

“I remembered in that moment that I was railing against a goddess and I am still mortal which means I am crunchy and taste good with ketchup,” she says. “But I had no cause to be afraid because, even though she was staring, she was laughing. Beshaba knew that I didn’t mean any real anger towards her in that moment. I was just freaking out because it all made sense. Even amid the weirdness and absurdity that is my life, looking at it from the perspective of a friend who was watching my progression made me realize that everything does happen for a reason. And in that moment, I loved her, more than words could ever describe. I ran to her and wrapped my arms around her, thanking her for being in my life.

“The perceived misfortunes made me who I am today. Gave me the proof I need to remember that Beshaba keeps me for a reason. Now, I may not understand exactly what it is that she sees in me, but I trust her judgment more than my own,” she says simply with her smile still coming easily. Thinking of the goddess always made her calm. “Now, Beshaba, as I’ve said is very busy. So, occasionally, I will run into her worshippers and I know our paths cross because of her. She’s making sure I know that, even though she’s always listening, sometimes she can’t be there in person.”

A sly grin spreads across the Changeling’s face as mischief begins to dance in her eyes.

“That’s probably a good thing, too,” she says with a chuckle. “Because I know Beshaba’s weakness. I stumbled upon it, totally by accident,” she explains with a wink. “I maybe might have possibly figured out that her favorite offerings were things that amused her. And she and I have a very similar taste in humor, so now and then, if I can facilitate a prank for her at the expense of another deity, leave smutty images on her shrines, or occasionally leave her something shiny, then she will grant me favor now and then. She even sent me a Paladin,” she finishes with a smile.

“Enter Uriah.”

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“I know you’re around here somewhere, you son of a bitch,” Lilly said chuckling to herself as she scanned the crowd in the Citadel Market for a particular cambion cohort of hers that she needed to see immediately.

Devils and fiends of all shapes and sizes milled around the market streets. Wings and horns weren’t a unique enough trait when finding someone, but she could recognize him anywhere. He was the only cambion she knew that had freckles on their wings. He wasn’t expecting her back for at least a week thanks to her trip, but Dopple-Mom had decided to come home early. That gave her the advantage. Finding a structure that could bear her weight, she got to a higher vantage point than her five-foot-two frame would allow and started hunting her favorite Paladin of Beshaba.

From across the way, she spotted him coming out of a shop with his head down as he stuffed what was probably another half dozen books he’d acquired into his Handy Haversack before returning it to his shoulder. He had a halberd in one hand that he used as a walking stick and the other hand was resting on the whip he had curled at his hip as he walked. His shoulder-length black hair was slicked back away from his face, tucked behind his black, ram-like horns and allowing his silver, pupil-less eyes to dance around the area unimpeded. He always seemed to have a smug smirk on his face, like he had a secret and it was that he knew he was great. It was rare that Lilly ever saw him out of his steel studded, black leather armor, but she knew for a fact that seeing him naked was worth it.

Darting across the rooftops of the shops, Lilly stalked him from above until he turned the corner towards Destiny’s shop. Excitement bubbled in her chest as she realized he was going to be passing directly in front of the door, which should be standing open at that point in the day. Destiny didn’t know she was back early, either, but she’d intended to swing by after she saw Uriah anyway.

One of the only people Lilly still knew from when she was studying up on the College of Lore, Uriah was a strange creature. After being abandoned on the Prime Material Plane at birth, he’d been picked up by a roaming band of Bards and wandered with them until migrating to the Nine Hells a few years ago. He could be a bit obnoxious at times, but he had made it his life’s mission to make Lilly smile when she was down. At least, that’s what it seemed like sometimes. More likely, he just enjoyed having an audience that appreciated his music.

Those days, he made a living by tempting mortals down to the Nine Hells at the behest of the Church of Asmodeus. This pretty much meant he threw awesome parties that ended up in some pretty strange places for the unsuspecting individuals that decided to take a drink and dance with him. Hence how she’d ended up on his regular list of weirdos to play with. She’d already been in the Nine Hells but had wandered into one of his parties one night when she was feeling particularly toxic.

A bottle of Incubus Kiss whiskey and a lot of dancing later, she woke up naked under Uriah’s wing with him snoring beside her, a corrupted dryad between her legs, and a grin that just wouldn’t quit. They’d been drinking buddies ever since. He had no idea about her other life in the Abyss. To him, she was just an average tinkerer who worked as a Part-Time Prayer Agent, liked to dance, and was pretty much up for anything. He put up with her shit and helped her with research. And research.

Waiting until he was at just the right spot, she let out a shrill whistle and instant before launching herself at him like a cannonball from the top of the building across the street. Landing in his arms with a whump as she knocked the wind out of him, they went tumbling through the open door of Destiny’s shop where they landed with a slide. Straddling his waist with her hands on his chest, she grinned down at him as she watched his brain process what had just happened.

“Hi, sexy,” she said with an excited chuckle.

“You are so fucking weird,” he said after a moment as he closed his eyes and rested his head on the floor. He was still smiling a little, which for him was the equivalent of a gut-bellied roll of laughter.

She leaned down and kissed him for a second longer than she should have with as excited as she was already. When his hands found her waist and she let out a noise that resembled a pur, Destiny cleared her throat and she sat up.

“What?” she asked with a shrug.

“If you two are going to fornicate in the middle of my shop, the least you could do is charge admission and split the profits,” Destiny said with a bored expression.

Lilly looked down at Uriah and raised an eyebrow in question. He shook his head at her and unceremoniously tipped her off of his waist to dump her on the floor before getting up and helping her to her feet.

“We are getting together, later,” Lilly told him bluntly. “Beshaba did me a solid and she likes to watch, so, yeah, be prepared for that.”

Uriah just blinked at her with a smirk as he tried to keep a straight face and she knew he was on board with whatever her inner hussy was cooking up.

“More smut research?” Destiny asked and Lilly shrugged.

“That and a party,” Lilly said with a smile. “I only had to stay one night in Minarous with Dopple-Mom before she was struck with some,” Lilly took a deep breath as she tried to school her expression, “very bad luck,” she finished as she walked to the counter and leaned on it with her elbows, making sure to wiggle her hips as Uriah walked up behind her and smacked her ass.

“I’m torn between the party idea and wanting to know what happened,” Destiny said with a smirk. After a moment, Destiny set aside the item she was repairing and crossed her legs on her stool. “Spill, bitch,” she said and Lilly laughed in a sharp bark.

“Ok,” Lilly said and then tried to calm herself enough to keep her thoughts in order. “She completely ignored the information I gave her on the region. First, she forgets her cold-weather gear and we arrived two minutes before a new sleet storm rolled in. Then, when we got to the Inn, she tried to use Church Debt to pay and the innkeeper just blinked at her.”

“Church Debt only works in Nessus,” Destiny said with a look that made Lilly think her brain had shut down for a second.

“Dude, I told you she hasn’t been off this layer without the Church’s Perdiem since before I was born,” Lilly reminded her. “That’s why I did so much research and gave it to her. Anyway,” Lilly said, taking a breath to keep her mood elevated, “We ended up having to camp out in the sleet storm.”

“You had the map I gave you of the flood zones and safe zones, right?” Uriah asked seriously.

“Yes, dear,” she said sweetly and smiled up at him. “You think I’m going to go to the Jangling Hiter to research torture techniques for Larry without my cheat sheet of areas I’m less likely to die?” she asked a little more seriously.

Uriah lifted his hands and smiled a little in pride.

“So, anyway,” Lilly said, looking back at Destiny. “I set up camp and got her all set so she was out of the storm and didn’t have to sleep on the ground.”

“Why didn’t you just use that Hut spell we found the other day?” Uriah asked with a frown and Lilly rolled her eyes a little.

“You don’t understand gossip,” she said with a chuckle and looked at him. “Out of the rationality box, babe. Into the story-time box,” she added and then paused for a second as he looked at her with an eyebrow in the air. “You of all people know my magic does weird shit. You have been working with me long enough to have seen the effects when I try a spell I’m not used to. On top of that Dopple-Mom doesn’t know that I can use magic outside the norm for Dopples and Changelings.”

Uriah nodded and then crossed his arms over his chest with his halberd resting in the crook of his elbow, his eyes on her. He had more questions, but he was saving them for later.

“Where was I?” Lilly asked Destiny.

“You set up camp,” Destiny said and Lilly nodded.

“Ok, so, she eventually fell asleep and, oh my gods, sissy,” Lilly said, reaching out to lightly touch Destiny’s arm. “I had completely forgotten what it sounds like when a Doppelganger snores,” she said and then gave her friend a traumatized look as she tried not to laugh. “It drew in a Barbed Devil who thought I was torturing a Hunting Horror without a license.”

Destiny covered her mouth with both hands for a moment as her shoulders started to shake and Lilly just nodded her head slowly. After a moment of trying to keep the giggles at bay, Lilly continued.

“Her name was Vauro and she was lovely,” Lilly said. “After she realized I wasn’t breaking any laws, she helped me roll Dopple-Mom over without waking her and then sat with me by the fire playing cards while I kept watch. Unfortunately, Dopple-Mom woke up and flipped. She’d never seen a Barbed Devil up close and thought Vauro was some kind of beast. Dopple-Mom attacked with a slam and Vauro defended herself by hurling a flame at her. I knocked Mom out of the way, but the flame landed in the tent. Vauro was apologizing profusely as Dopple-Mom was wailing about the loss of her stuff. Right about the point that the hail started falling was when Dopple-Mom called off the trip.”

“I can see why you want to throw a party for Beshaba,” Uriah said with an appreciative nod.

“Oh, I’m doing more than just throwing her a party,” Lilly said with a smug smile. “I am going to turn the Citadel into a chapel for a day.”

“Wait, what?” Uriah asked as his face fell.

“Uh-huh,” Lilly said, nodding her head slowly. “And I’m going to need the Weirdos to help.”

“Oh, gods,” Uriah said, blinking rapidly and Lilly wagged her eyebrows at him.

One Week Later: Beshaba’s Day.

The Weirdos, as Lilly affectionately called them, were a group of adventurers she and Uriah had gathered on a job to the Prime Material Plane. After explaining her plans to Uriah, he’d rolled his eyes and agreed to put them up at the Inn at the center of the Citadel.

Sitting outside at a black iron table, Lilly took a deep breath and smiled as she put her hands comfortably behind her head. Beside her sat Kitty, another Changeling who had a problem with her Divergent Personas. Unlike Lilly who had trouble keeping herself from getting lost in them, Kitty had trouble holding onto hers. She tended to shift through them wildly, but she’d settled on a halfling female in a flouncy dress that day. She looked like a little kid kicking her feet under the table as she drew in her sketchbook with colored pencils. Across from her, Eva chuckled.

“You look rather relaxed,” Eva said with a smirk. With soft, short napped fur the color of Lilly’s favorite latte and long, curly dark brown hair, she was a Tabaxi worthy of her station as a Cleric of Sharess. The knowing look in her emerald eyes was very nearly always present, but Lilly didn’t mind.

“A job well done always does that to me,” Lilly said with a grin.

“Are you talking about the mischief we’ve been getting up to or the fact that you were holed up with Uriah in his room every night for the past week?” Eva shot back instantly.

“Can’t it be both?” Lilly asked easily and Eva snorted.

“I still say you should drop Beshaba and come worship at Sharess’s temple,” Eva said.

“I don’t worship at any gods’ temples,” Lilly reminded her easily. “Although, Sharess and I are on very good terms. Getting licked by her is a divine experience.” Lilly shivered at the memory as her legs clenched hard enough to make her hips twist and she giggled a little. “If you should ever find yourself in such a position, I would very highly recommend it.”

“I keep forgetting that you know gods personally,” Kitty said.

“Don’t feel bad,” Lilly said. “So do I.”

“So, if you don’t worship the deities, how do you keep their attention?” Eva asked.

“I never said I didn’t worship them,” Lilly said with a shrug. “I said I don’t worship at their temples. Going through mortals to worship leaves it open for convolution. I, personally, would rather speak directly to them so that they can see my gratitude is genuine. As for keeping their attention,” Lilly said and then shrugged. “That all depends on the god. The tricky part is getting their attention.”

“How did you get Sharess’s attention?” Eva asked, leaning into her elbows on the table.

“Well,” Lilly said and chewed the inside of her cheek, “it was after Bob and I broke up. He and I were still sharing a bed because I don’t like sleeping alone and he likes to cuddle. I was having trouble with the whole sex-without-romance thing because, to me, sex without romance is like science. Science without emotion is just cruel. I didn’t want Bob thinking that there was still a chance for us to be romantically involved, but I didn’t want him thinking I wasn’t attracted to him either. I am, and I do still love him. But I can see what dating me does to him. The only person I could think of to ask for advice was Sharess. The fact that I was willing to walk into her domain without any intention of indulging in any sexual activity was enough to make her look at me strangely.”

“How in the Nine Hells did you resist?” Eva asked.

“Simple,” she said. “I shut my emotions off. Anything I saw I looked at through a filter of science and medicine. She could feel the total absence of pleasure in my heart and decided to try and help me personally. Thankfully, by the time she was done, I realized that pleasure and enjoyment are both emotions. If I trust someone enough to love them and I happen to be attracted to them, it’s ok to have that connection. This is why, when you came along,” she said, pointing to Eva, “I had no issues adding you to the party. The fact that you are a blast to hang out with is why I keep you.”

“So, what’s your explanation for Thett?” Kitty asked with a raised eyebrow.

“He may be a Barbarian, but he speaks fluent Bard and I don’t mind playing prey when I trust the predator,” Lilly said, wagging her eyebrows at Kitty. “Speaking of which, if you ever decide to challenge him to a game of tag or hide and seek, make sure you have a safe-word beforehand,” she said with a wide-eyed expression as her eyebrow twitched.

“That explains the Bardic Wailing in the distance that night,” Eva said with a chuckle.

“Says the bitch that woke up half of Coppertown with her yowling the last time we were at ‘The Thirty-four Rules of Pleasure’,” Lilly said with a pointed look.

Lilly snorted at Eva’s shameless shrug as she spotted a femininely shaped Gnoll draped in elegant black gossamer, accented with silver bangles. Lilly tipped her head back and whistled, to which he responded by raising his club in the air and letting out a cackling growl.

Gnolls were traditionally of Abyssal blood, which meant they weren’t prominent at all in the Nine Hells. But, after the Weirdos decided to summon Asmodeus in exchange for help during their first adventure together, Thett was corrupted with Infernal blood. In exchange for his feminine shape and added natural equipment below the belt, he became the progenitor of a new Infernal Bloodline of gnolls and gained a proficiency in Double-Dick damage.

Behind him was Sneek, a lithely built suit of armor that was blessed by Mask and gained a certain amount of sentience. No one was sure where he came from, other than Lilly, but they enjoyed having him around as the party’s Rogue. He was weirder than Lilly at times, which she found both endearing and sobering. Thankfully, he was also immune to her magic. Uriah trailed behind them as they made their way towards the table from down the street. The smile on his face told her they were successful in their mission, so she reached into her Bag of Holding to retrieve their rewards.

Aside from the valuables they had stolen from each of their targets as proof that they completed the jobs they’d been given, Lilly also had a couple of gifts she’d collected for them to show her gratitude for helping. For Thett, she pulled out a wrapped bundle that was the size and shape of a humanoid leg because it was. Even through the wrappings, she could smell the spices she’d used to cure it after she’d purchased it from the gladiator pits in Minauros before she came home. Slow roasted with a combination of spices guaranteed to numb the pallet with a pleasurable burn without causing the taste buds to become overwhelmed, preserving the flavor.

Sneek got a portable hole she’d stolen from a Devil Lord in Dis, along with a new set of adamantine tools for the apparatus integrated into his hand. Uriah already got his present.

Once they had received their gifts and the small band of hired Bards arrived carrying their instruments, it was time for the fun to begin. Looking around to make sure no one was paying attention to them, Lilly directed the group to the absolute center of the Citadel Marketplace with a grin. The work the group had done was just the groundwork for the plan, the spell she’d woven still needed to be triggered. That was going to take a lot of energy. She’d already spent the last week charging bottles of ink with chaotic sexual energy with Uriah’s help, then used the ink to write up pamphlets on the glories of Beshaba. They’d spread the leaflets out over the city, making sure a few key targets had them in their possession long enough for the energy to transfer.

“Alright, babe,” she said looking to Uriah, who pulled a horn out of his bag of holding and licked his lips before setting the mouthpiece against them. “Set it off.”

With a crescendo blow of his horn to get the center of the Market’s attention, the hired Bards took the cue to start with an upbeat, jazzy song with low growling strings and heavy drums as Lilly started to dance to the music. Allowing the fast tempo and intoxicating beat to move her without care, she could feel magic charging the air. Before she could control herself, lyrics laced their way through her mind and she sang of wolves in sheep's clothing getting their comeuppance at the hands of Karma. If there was one thing Beshaba couldn’t stand, it was a narcissist that tried to blame her for their victim’s misfortune. To thank the goddess for keeping an eye on her, Lilly used the music and the excitement it stirred to create an opening for the goddess to invade Asmodeus’s stronghold and target every narcissist in the Citadel directly underneath Fortress Nessus.

As the Weirdos made their way through the streets, spiraling their ever-growing parade of depravity outward from the center, Lilly could feel the familiar sadistic glee of the goddess as she watched everyone who refused to take ownership of their mistakes, and learn from them, fall victim to their folly, lust, and greed. She knew, before she’d even started the prep work for the spell, that she was in for a tidal wave of retribution from the Archfiend in response. She had no issues unapologetically facing the proverbial firing squad as the Mastermind for the incident because she never apologized when she did something on purpose.

The Weirdos danced and celebrated the Goddess of Misfortune for three hours by the time Asmodeus thought to send constructs to collect her. However, the music didn’t stop once she broke from the group and started leading the constructs on a merry chase with Sneek beside her. Like the Warforged, the constructs Asmodeus sent to collect her were immune to her magic. But she had an advantage. She knew the city inside and out, including all of the best hiding places. With Sneek helping her stay ahead of them, Lilly made her way to the surface of the plane and climbed the side of the fortress wall. Once inside, she made her way down the halls to the center where she knew the Archfiend kept his chambers. Befriending the Asmodeus’s harem had a lot of benefits.

“Honey,” she announced as she kicked the door in and walked into his room with her hands in the air to find him sitting on the edge of his bed, naked and fuming. “I’m home!”