《Humans: A Mythical Manual》Chapter 7: So Long and Thanks for All the Gold!
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Chapter 7: So Long and Thanks for All the Gold!
There was something about the way he smiled that ticked her off.
It wasn’t like he was actively being insulting or annoying. There was a sense of elegance and decorum. A sense of pride and austerity.
But there was no respect.
How was he able to communicate that so effectively without breaking etiquette?
“Prime Minister Angor, I want to abdicate.”
“No.”
Her eyebrow twitched.
“Why?”
“It’s because of your hair.”
She touched her head, looking shocked.
“I rather think it’s in good taste.”
He simply rolled his eyes in response. Seeing her little joke die as usual, she decided to humour him. She sighed again, thinking that the action would become habit before too long.
“We don’t even know what it is,” she said, holding aloft the strand.
“It is a good thing.”
“Anything that extends my reign is a horrible thing!”
She wanted so badly to chuck it out the window but it was undeniable. There was something deeply strange about the strand of hair.
In just over a month the tides of battle had changed. It had changed not through action, or planning, or cunning, creativity or courage, simply…
The Prime Minister smiled wanly. “Luck is on our side.”
He was right. Swathes of disease riddled the enemy. Misfires, accidents, false messages, coincidental timings, assassins being revealed through sheer and utter serendipity. The enemy troops were starting to flag simply because word had spread that maybe they were cursed. Or rather, attacking their kingdom had brought some sort of curse down upon them.
The enemy was in disarray. Their morale was destroyed. And yet, the Queen was not appeased. The situation that has plagued them incrementally year by year, that they spent innumerable hours agonising over, was now simply gone. It left her with a sense of dread, almost as if…
“You call this simply luck? It’s more like the hand of something greater.”
“Do you believe in the mythical?”
“No, but couldn’t it be some other rogue element of the Empire?” The Queen rubbed her brows and sighed. “Everything changed when that… thing came in.”
“Why don’t you just call it what it is?”
“Excuse me, is that the way you should talk to your Queen?”
Her Prime Minister was hardly contrite. “I’ll start talking to you respectfully when—”
“—when I start acting like one! I understand!” Lithis broke eye contact and gazed toward her study’s window. “It had rounded ears.”
“You can say what we’re both thinking.”
“Okay, okay, it was a human! At least I think it was. You think so too!”
“Well, my Queen, it certainly was powerful enough to materialise and disappear on but a whim.” His eye subtly twitched. “Whilst also getting past our defences with ease… and you cannot deny the biggest effect it had.”
He was right. General Teilson was only alive because of that creature. And he went stark raving mad afterwards. Not overtly, of course, but he set up an altar and offerings… thrice daily.
Lithis felt a headache oncoming. “Rain for our starved crops, money, alliances and talent blossoming.”
“All for a small sacrifice.”
Lithis groaned. “Why me? I never wanted the crown, but now, this… it’s like my duty made material.”
“You cannot let it go.”
“I know,” she groused, “but you try holding onto something all hours of the day! I can hardly get things done without letting go.”
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The cavalcade of bad luck and simultaneously good luck depended on her touching the strand of hair. It was unfair, she thought, that the creature didn’t decide to stick around. After all, if she could find someone else to hold hair or something, she could be free of this burden.
But the moment she let go of the hair…
“I know what you’re thinking,” Angor said, “but you need to hold onto that hair strand. No one else can, remember? We tried.” He coughed. “Better yet, we should put our efforts to thinking of the future, your Majesty.”
“The future is bleak.”
“Not so. Without an existential crisis we can start thinking of what to do.”
“What future does this country have without a strand of hair?”
At that, surprisingly, Angor finally had a good answer.
“Indeed, a country cannot not rely on one strand of hair.”
There was something off about the way that Angor smiled that sent shivers down the Queen’s spine.
“We need the rest.”
—————————
“Reporting.”
“Commander, there is no need to stand on ceremony here.”
“I am humbled by your magnanimity.”
“Rise, child, I want to see your face.”
He raised his face and then the rest of his body. Every movement was executed cleanly. He moved with the precision only a military-trained officer with unspeakable dedication and training could.
“Victory was had,” he reported. “Decisively.”
“There is no victory in war. Only silence.” The Wisewoman chuckled at his expression, albeit minor. “There’s no need to be so serious. I’m both gladdened and saddened at the outcome. We won, but at much cost.”
A sombre mood filled the room, but the room wasn’t silent. Faint sounds still leaked in from the outside. Carousing and clamouring filtering through the gaps in the walls as the citizens joined the soldiers in wild celebration. The people, at least, were happy. Perhaps that was all that mattered in the moment.
And yet…
“I understand.”
And he did. The land was ruined. The economy was devastated. Lives and livelihood were ravaged. They won but they were weak. They couldn’t hope for another miracle. If not the Empire, then who next? Neighbours watched hungrily and warily.
“Commander of the Hellien forces, you must leave your post.”
He stood, mute. In shock. It took a long time before he could find his voice.
“May I ask why?”
The Wisewoman smiled. “There is no strategy needed for a siege. Any one of us should be competent to hold out.”
“But not indefinitely.”
“Of that, I am certain.”
“Then why send me away? I would fight to the death!”
The Wisewoman placed a hand on his shoulder. He was rock-steady in his gait and though the movement surprised him, he remained steadfast even in the great breach in protocol. Perhaps this was the most telling of how things have changed since the start.
“The country is in turmoil. The citizens are spent. The soldiers are weary. The land is ravaged. Yet that isn’t what you think about. You think about our culture. You think about our very core. You think about our salvation like no other.”
She pointed to his necklace. There was a relief carving on a tiny plaque the depicted a simple symbol. A chevron within a circle. The symbol of their belief and partly the reason for this conflict.
“That is one of the reasons why. You never anger. You never shirk. Your resolve is firm and your belief is strong. It makes you the best candidate for this task.”
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He understood. This was a task that could only entrust to him. Even if they could not win. Even if their country falls. Even if there were none left but him.
“From this moment on”, he said, “I am no longer the Commander of the Hellien forces.”
The Wisewoman’s weathered lips cracked into a smile. “You are now nameless. And thus free of our trappings. I have but one final request.”
“Name it.”
“Seek him.”
“As you wish.”
————————
Mina had never left the village before.
There was only one way in and out of the village. A strange air current moved along and around the island of the village. There was one way out which everyone called ‘the Path’.
There were no roads or markings but the Path was always clear to a harpy. A straight and narrow gorge marked the Path out of the settlement. Floating rocks swayed in the winds and littered the Path making it hazardous to cross. Right now though, the winds were no more than a breeze.
For now.
Magister Goner stood just slightly ahead of her, checking his belongings in a methodical fashion. He muttered something and tucked something into the pouch she had seen back in the hut.
Though she had become his apprentice he had only asked one thing of her. He had placed something into her claws and asked her if she could see it. She had tried her hardest, but saw nothing.
Every hour the question was the same.
“See it yet?”
“No.”
Her answer was curt and Mina somewhat regretted it, but immediately swallowed her apology and glared when the Magister studied her with a teasing grin.
“Come here, then. I want to show you something else.” He pulled out a stone from his pouch. It was marked with a symbol that Mina couldn’t recognise. “What is that?”
Magister Goner stroked his chin with a claw. “It’s a little hard to explain what it is, but I can tell you what it does. It shows you the safest path.”
“Safest path? How?”
Magister Goner’s face split into a grin. “Look.” He pointed the stone to the gorge. When it pointed directly at the flight path, it suddenly glowed a bright green.
“Wow!”
“Indeed,” he said while rotating with his arm out. The stone grew dimmer when not pointed to the path and went completely dark until he pointed behind him.
Mina feathers ruffled slightly. “I have a question.”
“Hmm?”
“How does it know where you want to go?”
“Now that’s a good question. It reads your mind!”
“What?!”
“Relax, no need to hop back. It’s not dangerous. I’m just assuming it reads your mind because you need to imagine the path you’re going to take while using it. It’s hard to do while flying but that’s what it needs.”
“So we’ll use the stone to navigate the Path?”
“Yes, and there are other things… but that will be for another time.”
Troubled, Mina followed the Magister as he leapt off the edge. She felt as if this very act had taken her further than she ever thought she’d go. It seemed innocuous at the time, but something inside of her told her that she’d taken a leap from which there was no turning back.
————————
The former Commander of the Hellien forces was deep in thought.
Carefully crossing the streets one by one, the Commander weaved through the revelry decidedly sombre. The Wisewoman was right, this was a temporary euphoria disguising their dire situation. Nothing but a miracle would still turn this around. A temporary setback had occurred. The Empire was superstitious but this would probably only buy them a year at most.
Taking that into account, he would need to act fast and secure the future. That meant getting into contact with the divine providence of the messenger sent down to them.
A human!
He could not help but feel a shiver of excitement worm its way through his body. This divine being had finally interceded on their behalf! He was tasked with making contact. The honour was indescribable but the task’s difficulty…
Incalculable.
Perhaps this had been a once-off divine providence? Something inside the Commander spoke to him differently. No, this would be an opportunity. If he were dedicated enough, he would be able to track the holy human down. Hopefully, they could convince the divine being to rest in Hellien and grant them divine assistance.
But first, the mundane matters called to him.
Leaving the city as the (former) Commander would be difficult to do anonymously. A quick thought about doing it himself was quickly discarded. Yes, he could probably do it, but not completely undetected. If anyone saw him, it could cause some level of demoralisation. He would need help.
There was an individual that came to his mind, but he cringed slightly at the thought.
Sighing, he made his way to her lair.
—————————
Managing to make it with the help of a hooded cloak, the former Commander hesitated at her door. Despite the worn-down appearance, the small cottage exuded a modest aura that seemed at odds with the slum-like buildings surrounding it.
Despite the calm appearance, the presence of gleaming eyes in the corner of his vision made him wary, as it always did. He took a deep breath and gently knocked on the door with a clenched fist.
The Green Witch.
Despite the somewhat dramatic name, the owner of that title was far from the expected appearance. Slim, youthful, with a satisfied imperious look that would not be amiss on any feline, the door opened wide and the sorceress stalked forward making the former Commander step back despite himself.
“So, Lathis, you’ve finally graced me with your presence.” Her tone was somewhat mocking, but there was a faint trace of mirth at his discomfort.
Lathis, the former Hellien Commander was reduced to this. He sighed, straightened and bowed his head.
“Alada… it’s been too long. I need your help.”
“The Stars forbid you’d ever come here for a social visit.”
Silence like ice creeping its way over the surface of a lake froze the air between them. She let him squirm a little more before venting an exasperated sigh of her own.
“I suppose it’s one of your flaws as well as your charms. You come here to ask for help far less than you give it… whether invited or not.” She rolled her eyes and beckoned him with a dark fingernail. “Come in… and stop that embarrassing pose.”
Lathis smiled thinly and followed the Green Witch into her cottage. Although cottage would be a bit of a misnomer, seeing as the inside looked like it belonged more to a noble’s atrium than a humble abode.
“No matter how many times you’ve been here, you always have the same expression,” she teased.
“I can’t get past how amazing this Remnant is.”
“Yes, well, you have no idea the troubles I’ve been gifted with this.”
He didn’t probe any further. In this age, no one would be within the walls of Hellien unless they believed in the country or had no other choice. The Green Witch, however, was frighteningly neither of these options.
“I like you, Lathis, but not enough to convert,” she remarked. “And yes, you’re still as transparent to me as ever.”
Lathis shrugged and took it in stride, much to the amusement of the Green Witch.
“Though I see,” she continued with a wink, “that you’ve gained some measure of composure.”
He was glad, he supposed, that his feelings were so easily read by the sorceress. She probably understood from the very beginning.
“Even I didn’t see what would have transpired in the last few days.” Alada went about her business with an undisguised delight. She trotted up the ornate oak-carved staircase with light feet. “Who would have thought such a strange turn of events would alter the flow I’ve seen?” She paused, then turned around, eyeing Lathis with a look so hungry that it made him pause.
“Actually… you’ve been in contact with that creature. You were there!” She shifted uncomfortably close. “What was it like?”
Lathis couldn’t help but smiled.
“Divine.”
That stopped her. Alada tapped her foot and then abruptly as it began, headed back up the stairs.
“Interesting. As luck would have it, I have completed the necessary prerequisites here. We shall go forth.”
Not for the first time, Lathis was confused.
“We?”
“Of course, I’m coming with you.”
“With me?”
“Repeating my words doesn’t make it easier to discern the truth.”
“Stop speaking riddles, Alada. Who said you were coming with me? I just need your help getting out of the city without anyone recognising me.”
“Ahah, I finally know what you’re up to, dear Lathis. But you can’t keep me in the dark. I can be an asset.”
“You will sully the divine being with your apostate hands.”
“I did once believe.”
“And so did I. In you, that is.”
Alada eyes drew down as she sighed. “Lathis, can we not put the past behind us? After all these years you are still angry with me, but we both know that you wouldn’t be here without me. So what if I don’t believe? I’m sorry that I lied. Does that make me any less than the woman you trusted long ago?”
There was agonising silence, and then…
“No.”
Alada grinned. “Then it’s settled, it’ll be just like old times.”
“No.” Lathis laid his hand on her arm and pulled her back. “It won’t be like old times. I need you, I won’t deny that, but you betrayed my trust before. I can’t get over how painful that was no matter how many years pass.” He released her arm and looked away. “But at the very least I can let it go for now.”
Subdued, Alada nodded and beckoned the Commander to follow along again.
“Well, it’s not ideal… but I was in the wrong there. And I suppose I should be grateful that you were willing to talk to me at all.” She turned a corner and stroked her chin.
“So you are in pursuit of the creature.”
“The human.”
She waved a hand nonchalantly. “That is yet to be determined.”
“I believe it.”
She studied his face for a few moments before nodding. “So you do.”
With a small chant and a flourish, the lights flickered on in the dusty old room. The Green Witch settled into her seat, the room seemingly flexing as she did so.
“You don’t seem so impressed,” she remarked.
“I’ve seen it before,” he said.
“Hmm.” Alada let out a soft huff and continued. “Well, I can see you’ve kept your honesty.”
“It’s one of my many charms,” he answered wryly.
“And faults, as it so happens.”
“That I cannot deny.”
They shared a moment of mirth together. No doubt Alada was thinking about the same memories of their exploits and how his strict adherence to not lying also gotten them into some crazy situations.
“I still think that you can do with a bit more flexibility with your thoughts.”
“The noble human wouldn’t and though it would be hard to match their magnificence, I can but try.”
Alada sighed. “I forgot how uptight about that you can be.”
“Thank you.”
“That wasn’t a compliment.”
Their chatter died away as Alada led him through the dusty room, kicking up a bit in the process. As his eyes teared up slightly, she seemed to notice and reddened considerably.
“I-I don’t really entertain many guests,” she just about muttered.
He raised an eyebrow. “I forgot how antisocial you can be.”
Alada grumbled something under her breath and waved a hand, restoring everything to a high shine and polish. It was a long and complicated chant so he had to stand there uncomfortably while she did so. The former Commander suspected it was on purpose.
“I’ve got to prepare a few things so we can head out. We can use these cloaks that I’ve enchanted and a few of my more useful things will come with me. Then we can leave.”
“That simple?”
“Yes, were you expecting something more elaborate?”
“Ahem… like being able to move fast or fly?”
Alada blinked at him. “Sometimes your ignorance of magic astounds even me. I’m not omnipotent, you know. Every elf has their limits.”
Lathis shifted on his feet uncomfortably.
“No harm done,” she continued with a shrug. “But maybe you should learn more about magic. Just because I’m one of the more powerful ones, doesn’t mean that I can do anything.”
Just as she said, she didn’t take very long to prepare. She withdrew two fairly large cloaks and donned a large backpack. She forced Lathis to sit down and wait for her, but it couldn’t have taken more than thirty minutes.
“It’s nearing night,” she remarked, appearing in full gear.
Lathis gawked a little, feeling a little strange about the situation.
“What?” she asked, eyes narrowing.
“Nothing,” he said. “It’s just… never mind.”
“What?”
Lathis cleared his throat and glanced to the side. “It’s just a little strange seeing you in that outfit again.”
There was a pause and then a burst of laughter.
“Oh Lathis, how do you think I felt when I saw you in barely-concealed armour?”
He blushed but didn’t respond.
Once again, Alada led him through the house and closed the door with a sort of finality that snapped his focus back to her.
“You know… I had a feeling you wouldn’t ever see me again.”
Lathis eyed the well-maintained house and the meticulously cared-for garden. “Are you sure you want to leave this?”
Alada flashed him an incredulous look. Then a thought occurred to her. “You know what? I was missing something.” She dove back into her house and came back outside in short order carrying a flat chair.
“You’re carrying that with us?!” He was stumped.
“Yes, you have a problem with that?” She dumped the chair temporarily against the wall and then fished a small key out of her pocket and locked the door. With a grunt she lifted the chair and then glared at Lathis, daring him to say something.
Lathis, wisely, kept his mouth shut and followed the Green Witch as she strode away.
——————
The gate was closed, unsurprisingly. The gates had remained closed for most of the time unless there was a good reason. Guards patrolled underneath and stood on the stone walls in precise and perfect order. He was glad they were so disciplined despite the relaxed atmosphere of victory, although it did make it harder.
Alada pulled Lathis into an alleyway and drew near his ear.
“Okay, these cloaks have a minor concealment on them, but they work on the principle that we do not stand out. Don’t say anything or make excessive noise or movement. Anything too crazy will draw their attention to you.”
“How long does this last?”
“Indefinitely, but the enchantment is easily broken. The best way to use this is to slip in with the guards as they open or close the gates.”
“That might take a while.”
“Yes, which is why I brought this.”
Now Lathis understood why she had lugged a folding chair.
“Oh.”
The payoff for her was sweet and he stood rather uncomfortably realising that he’d have to settle for the relatively unpleasant prospect of sitting on the ground. The city’s ground. The filthy city’s ground that had all manner of unmentionable waste beaten into the cobblestones.
He turned back to see Alada’s satisfied smirk.
“Ah,” she said. “I missed that look.”
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