Alean felt a chill settle in his body

He remembers now. He was dying.

He can already feel his consciousness fading, scattering as his memories and feelings shattered into a million pieces. The world, once bright and full of hope, is now dyed in black, sticky tar.

How pathetic. Even in his death, he couldn't prove anything. He knew that dying is pathetic, but he did it anyway.

In this dark, lonely void, he cried out in anguish. His truest of thoughts.

'Help...somebody...I don't want to die...'

He missed it. The warmth and laughter. The simpleness of his life before. The light so precious now lost to him forever. It's funny. It seems that only death could make him remember the joys of life. Regret griped his soul once more.

But in this dark world, he saw something else. A rectangular barrier-looking thing. Its appearance's an anomaly in this world. It shines with blue-ish white light, casting the world in its eerie glow. When he gazed upon it, his mind was sent reeling. Memories. Concepts so foreign and strange flowed into him, threatening to crush his own fragile being. Among it, shined the most brightly, was a craving for life that he had never felt before. A craving to live another day.

Then he woke up.

===

With a gasp, Alean woke up from his dream.

He brought up his hand and touched his cheek. Wet with tears. But this time not from pain and anger like before, but relief. He lived, for another day. But why did he feel like this? He was so deep in his pain that he felt death was better, and when he got what he wanted, he realized that he wanted to live instead? He was confused. Alean face scrunched in thought. Hmm

The curtain around his bed was pulled open, pulling him from his own thoughts. This place...seems to be the infirmary. Behind the pulled curtain was a lanky man. His curly black hair sticks out like a surly mop. His thin, gaunt face makes one wonder if he has enough money to eat; his pale green eyes sunken, framed with heavy dark circles. His expression when facing a conscious Alean was first confused, then quickly morphed to surprise.

"Ah. You mustn't sit up. Your wound is still not healed properly." he quickly exclaimed, moving to push Alean back onto the bed.

Alean just mutely obey his orders, too out of it to care. He guessed that this person must be the school's healer. Healers are Mages who specialized in learning the art of healing with magic. The principles of healing magic are very complicated, so healers are always geniuses when compared to him.

Alean asked, "How long was I out for?"

"Only a few hours." the man replied "You lost a lot of blood, so you must rest some more."

He seems exasperated. "Usually, you would have to sleep at least overnight with your injury, but it seems that you are quite hardy."

Alean also wished to sleep some more, but that dream kept bothering him. And then he suddenly remembers.

"Ah! That scrawny redhead, where is he? Is he okay?"

The healer looked at him weirdly "He's fine, just a bit of a headache due to excessive casting."

Alean released a breath that he did not know he was holding. Alean wanted to kill himself, but he didn't want to drag others into it.

And that was what it was, the truth.

He told himself that he wanted to prove his strength. That if he proved his martial prowess to the Gods, then maybe they would rethink his Awakening and made him a Knight instead. It was childish and reckless. He knew that he has a high chance of dying, but he didn't care. He thought that if he died, then that was fine too. It just means that he was too weak. So he went on that suicide mission with such a mindset.

Now that he got to think about it calmly, he realized that he was an idiot. An A-rank idiot like that redhead said. He was so self-centered that he didn't realize the pain his death would cost to others. His parents. His siblings. The friends he made in his hometown. He would hurt them if he were to die.

When his family sent him to the Royal Academy, he was furious. He thought that they were disappointed in him, that he was a disgrace. In his anger, he lashed out at them too, saying hurtful things. Now he had only regrets. They were merely looking out for him. A backwater countryside like his hometown isn't a place suitable for a Mage to grow, he knows that in his heart already. He was so blinded by his own darkness that he thought the entire world was against him, but it was wrong. His eyes tear up again. Ahh, what an idiot I am.

The healer, seeing Alean suddenly crying in front of him was stupefied again. The young man was just talking to him normally but then started tearing up.

"Hey...if it still hurt a lot, I can give some medicine..."

Alean quickly shook his head. After clearing his voice so he wouldn't sound too pathetic, he asked "No, it's fine. Rather, can you call the red hair guy for me, I wanted to thank him."

The healer visibly relaxed at his words.

"Oh, that's fine. He is still here actually, alongside miss Gentielle, let me call them over."

After a moment, two more people entered Alean's sight. The short, skinny redhead that casted the fire spell, and a gorgeous looking lady in a purple robe. Seeing the two of them, he is a little confused. He only remembered seeing the redhead, the lady was someone he hadn't seen before. But seeing her here must mean that she's somehow involved. Alean sits up slightly, then lowers his head towards the two.

"Thank you, for saving my life."

Yermen saw how calm Alean was acting, instead of feeling relieved, he felt alarmed. His calm, steady voice was so different from the desperation he had before, Yermen thought he was somehow faking it. In fact, he felt that Alean's subdued actions meant that he must have given up on life entirely. The guy almost died, yet he is so calm? After all, when he was still lashing out and causing trouble, it was probably his way of crying for help. Now that he was so calm, Yermen felt like he didn't want to be helped anymore. It was like that time all over again. Thus, a misunderstanding was formed.

"You were the one who cast the spell, right? What's your name" Alean asked.

"Yermen. Yermen Caliser." Yermen answered woodenly.

"And miss?"

"Gentielle, Grace Gentielle. I'll be your potions professor in the second year."

"You must have saved my life as well. Thank you, miss." Alean bowed even deeper.

The professor seems a little flustered "No problem. It's my duty to protect the students, after all."

Yermen seeing this display of courtesy was even more convinced that Alean had given up somehow.

"Hey, why were you there, anyways" he asked.

Hearing this, Alean's mouth clicked shut. Ahh, he felt so pathetic, thinking about it again. He could lie. He could tell that he was just strolling about. But that would not sit right with him. It felt like he was running away from his own problems. Besides, Yermen was in danger as well, so he felt like he should at least be honest with him.

"I...was trying to prove myself."

"To prove what exactly?" the red-haired boy asked.

"I thought...that if I could defeat a strong monster, I could prove to the Gods that I was worthy of being a Knight."

Saying it out loud makes Alean feel even more pathetic. Is he some 8-year-old kid or something? His expression became even more gloomy. Hearing this, Yermen felt for the first time, anger at this person. How could he think that was a good idea. It sounded so idiotic and suicidal, that he would throw his life away, for what, some recognition that wouldn't even matter if he died? It reminded him so much of his idiotic older brother that he was fuming inside.

"And why would you need to do that?"

"I thought my family was disappointed in me. Our house has always been known to produce powerful Knights. So me being a Mage, it felt I was wrong somehow, that I was un-needed." Alean answered, his voice smaller by every syllable.

"Did any of them say anything like that? That you were a disappointment? That they would rather you died in a ditch somewhere than be alive and well."

Alean once again felt deep shame. "No...Once I awakened to become a Mage, they all tried very hard to comfort me. They knew all my life I wanted to be a Knight, so they knew I was heartbroken. I was too childish to hear any of it. It all sounded hypocritical and condescending to me at the time."

"So what you meant to say, is that your family who loves you and supports you, the people that will unconditionally be always there for you, and you felt that they are ridiculing you? That they abandoned you and wanted nothing more than to be rid of you? Is that what you're saying?"

Alean nodded his head. Yermen was fuming, now he was furious. It was so much like last time that he wanted to puke. His brother must have felt the same way. His big brother had told him that he felt inferior. That he wasn't good enough. Yermen at that time only said what he thought was true.

That even though that he is slightly further ahead of his brother in his enchantment studies, his brother would catch up in no time.

That even if his brother was not as good as him in drawing charms, he just needs to put a little more effort into this certain line.

Yermen was trying to help, but it only pushed his brother more over the edge. And his stupid big brother loved the little brother too much to infect him with his jealousy. Only when it was too late did he realize. Yermen was mad at his brother and mad at himself. Mad that his brother would throw his life away in such an idiotic matter. Mad at himself for not realizing sooner.

This anger that had festered inside of him for 2 years was unleashed right at this moment. Without any conscious thought of what he was doing, Yermen throw the hardest punch he had ever made onto the face of the guy that reminded him so much of his brother.

"Do you realize how stupid you sound!! What prove your worth! Do you know how your death will make your family feel, huh? You are such a spoiled brat that you don't even realize, huh? How precious family is! Do you know how it feels like to blame yourself for the death of a family member? Do you know how many sleepless nights they would stay up and wonder, how could I have been so blind to your troubles, huh? You complete and horrible fool! You dare subject your family to such mental torment that it leaves such a heavy scar that no amount of time could heal! That it changed their lives forever! Answer me! Answer me Drieze !"

Panting and out of breath, Yermen snapped out of his outburst. He was so into it that he didn't realize that he called Alean by his brother's name. Ahh, he messed up. Alean head was still snapped to one side due to his punch, so Yermen couldn't see his face. Yermen didn't mean to suddenly yell at Alean. He knew that Alean was struggling with himself, so suddenly being yelled at like this must not be good. He himself is not a mind healer, so he knows precious little about how to help with mental patients. After calming down with a few more breaths, he began again.

"Look, I'm sorry. That's not what I-"

"You're right" came a reply.

"Huh?"

"You're right. I'm a spoiled brat and an idiot. What I did would have hurt my family more than I could imagine"

"Wait a sec-"

"But. But now, I want to be better. I want to be strong. Truly strong. Not just physically. I want to live my best life, to thank my parents and my brothers for the life that I was given. I want to learn, and grow, to continue living."

Alean train his gaze onto Yermen. His steel-gray eyes, once clouded with anger and doubt, now clear and steady.

"I'm not good at this. Growing up I mean. So I want to ask you to help me. I need someone smart to stop me from being dumb. So please, would you be that person? Would you like to be my friend?"

Yermen was exasperated. So he knew already? He was actually calm, huh? This guy...

"Sigh...." Yermen gaze at Alean again. Now that he looks more closely, he can see it in the guy's eyes. There was anticipation, anxiety, and fear. It seems like he was afraid that Yermen wouldn't accept. But most importantly, what he saw, was hope. Yermen wondered how someone's eyes could hold so much emotion. It was as if he was an open book if one were to look closely at his eyes. Seeing such burning hope, Yermen couldn't help but agree

"Sure. I'll be your friend."

"Yessss!!!" Alean yelled out loud, making everyone wince.

"But there's one more thing." Yermen calmly added.

"Anything, best friend!!" Alean was too excited to even care.

"You never actually introduced yourself to me, so I don't know your name."

Alean was dumbfounded. "Huh?"