Restless and tired was all I was feeling. I could not get out the fact that my own fucking teacher slapped me. The scene replayed every time over when I lose my eyes.

It was six in the morning and I still couldn't keep my eyes close. I was definitely not attending school today, not after what happen. My cheek still hurt when I touched it.

So many thoughts are running through my head on what to do today. Laying in bed was when I finally decided to do something I was suppose to do long time ago.

STAY AWAY FROM MS ISAACS!

And I promise to stick by this rule. I will not fall victim to love, oh hell no! I will not keep on getting hurt in the end. I have endured enough theres last past years and I'm done falling victim to everyone's shit, just DONE!

I will still be like I always have been, invisible. That is what best for me. I will not shed tears on people who do not deserve it.

I knew it was impossible for a teacher to fall in love with a student, then why was I even still bothering and daydreaming about with her. It was just useless and a complete waste of time. And I was not going to waste my time in forcing someone into a relationship with me.

Something that was also on my mind was that, would I ever be able to get rid of this love or crush I have on her. Would I be able the ignore my feelings when Im close to her? Am I strong enough for this? So many things I have think of and yet I did not have one answer to it. Doubt will always be part of my thinking. I could never think of something positive without having doubt.

Self-esteem is something I have to work on. I have tried to do it, but with people always bringing you down, you don't exactly have a choice but to accept what they say.

I could have been strong and held my head up high, but I guess I did not have it in me. My parents would be so disappointed in their only daughter, who is not even able to fight or stand up for herself. But that is not who I am, you know and that honestly sucks.

I know what I'm doing is just degrading myself, but is it inflicted in me to think that way. Okay enough negative thoughts now. Less cutting and harming myself, and more healing.

And that's exactly what I did.

I painted my nails a gorgeous nude colour. Washed my hair and gave it a little of a trim. I used face masks for my skin and actually ate a healthy meal for once. Now this was self-care and I feel happy and reliefed. Smiling to myself, I feel okay!

This is what I needed. All negative thought gone and happy thoughts with my parents. Thinking of them still brought tears to my eyes. Honestly they were the absolute best. They gave me love and support, although I did let Carla's words get to me, but I knew better. Even though they were always busy, they made sure to tell me they love me and shower me with gifts. I just wish to see them and for one more hug, that's all. I wish heaven had visiting hours.

You know, I always wondered why I was not able to make friends. Like why it was difficult for kids to become friends with me. I wasn't exactly quiet but more so reserve. I tried to talk to them but they ignored me and believe me I'm still shocked to this day. Through my life I did not have a single friend and it is so weird, because how is that even possible. I was made to be a loner and damn it hurts like hell. But its okay I grew a custom to it but it doesn't mean I want to grow alone old. Everyone wants at some point live and happiness, I'm one of them.

That's how I'm keeping distances from her, if she was meant to be mine she would have been mine long ago and not be my teacher. Love comes in mysterious ways I know that. But I have enough drama to last a life time.

Loving ain't easy and it got me messed up. Even though I love her and all that does not mean I'm willing to go through a lot of hardships. I have been hurt a thousand times and I'm not ready for a heartbreak. I know I won't be able to take it.

I'm sorry little heart, but I can't get hurt...

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Thanks for reading 🍁.