"Let me up." I groaned.

But Ryder ignored me. I gripped his arm to push it off me, but he tensed up, making me struggle.

"Let me up." I repeated.

"No." Ryder sighed as he held me tightly.

"I need to get up." I argued.

"Not yet."

I groaned again.

"Momma!" I heard Rowan as my alarm went off. I took my phone and turned it off. "Momma!"

"Let me up." I hissed at Ryder.

Ryder hesitated before releasing me, letting me climb out off the bed. I snatched up a gown and wrapped it around me, doing up the sash.

"I'm coming!" I called to Rowan as I went to the door. Ryder sat up in the bed, rubbing his face. I gave him a quick glance before leaving the room.

His dark blonde hair was messy and I had to admit, a bit sexy. I shook my head, trying to get the thoughts out off it as I went to the kitchen.

"Breakfast!"

"Did you go to the toilet?" I asked him as I turned the kettle on.

"Yes Momma. Jam please."

I smiled as I placed two slices of bread in to the toaster and made coffee. I made my coffee and I hummed about Ryder's but decided to do it.

I buttered the toast, slapping the jam on and placed them on a plate for Rowan.

I cradled my coffee, feeling regretful. What the hell did I do last night? Why did I allow myself to do that?

"Momma?" Rowan pulled me out off my thoughts. "See daddy today?"

"Yeah, sure, baby." I muttered.

"Now?" he asked with a mouthful of toast.

"Soon."

I drunk my coffee before placing it on the bench, my head next to it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I heard running water in the pipes and assumed Ryder was in the shower. That's what I need. A shower.

Rowan gobbled his toast down and came to me. That's when I noticed he was dressed already. "Dad?" He asked. "See daddy."

"Aren't you eager." I mumbled. I finished my coffee while it was still hot and picked Rowan up, placing him on the bench.

Rowan stood and took my hands. "Go see daddy!" He smiled as he climbed on to the bench.

I nodded. "Yes." I told him.

"Did some one say they want their dad?" I heard Ryder down the hall as he appeared in sight. His wet hair slicked back, wearing the same clothes as yesterday.

Rowan squealed and turned to him, jumping off the edge of the bench, making Ryder half jog to catch him and my heart stopping. This kid is going to give me a heart attack.

I looked out the front window to see Ryder's car there. He would have clothes in there.

I slipped away from them as Ryder held Rowan to him, Rowan talking his father's ears off.

I managed to have a shower in peace, plus getting dressed. I was on the end of my bed, tying up my canvas shoes when Ryder came in.

"About last night." He started.

"Shouldn't have happened. And it won't again." I finished.

"I meant about Rowan's day care."

I frowned, but didn't look at him. Instead I undid my lace and retied it.

"I was wondering if I took every Wednesday off, I could have Rowan for the day. Plus you also said the fees were a bit steep, I want to pay for half of them."

"That's nice of you." I told him as I stood up and got my hairbrush. "If you want to pay half, fine. But I'm actually really busy on Mondays. Monday will suit me better because I don't get him from school till five instead of three." I said as I brushed my hair, refusing to look at him still.

"Monday can work for me."

"What about when you travel?" I finally turned to him. "I can't sign him out to four days only and then expect the school to accept him on an odd Monday here and there. They will fill his position."

"That's why I've been travelling. I've been setting up my other companies so I don't need to do it any more, well, not so much."

I turned away as I rolled my eyes, pulling my hair up in a high pony tail.

"Fine. I'll call the centre Monday morning. Give you a trial run. I'm not signing him out if it's not going to work." I put my brush down and left my room, heading to Rowan's for his day care bag.

"And last night," Ryder tried again as he followed me.

I picked up the Paw Patrol bag and checked everything was in it. "Isn't going to happen again." I repeated as I zipped the bag up and picked up Rowan's sandals. "Excuse me, I have to take Rowan to day care. I've put your name down on the paperwork, so if you want, you can pick him up at three. Just let me know later if you can or can't." I left Ryder in Rowan's room as I went to the kitchen, scooping Rowan up and opened the front door, waiting for Ryder to leave.

****

So I did what I said and told the day care centre Rowan wasn't going to be in that day. Ryder came around that morning and Rowan was excited to spend the day with his father.

I gave Rowan a kiss, told him to be good as I buckled him in to his father's car and without knowing why, I said thanks to Ryder as well.

I didn't say anything else since I was still avoiding him whenever possible and went to my car.

I had a coffee date and I didn't want to miss it. Luke had surprised me, yet again but this time, ringing, asking for the coffee date.

I reversed out off my driveway, Ryder driving east, me, west.

****

I stayed at the table we were at and ordered another coffee. Luke long gone to the magazine and I needed to think.

All we did was catch up, mainly Luke talking about his work in Hong Kong.

I had kissed him bye, watching him walk away before taking out a pen and paper waiting for my next coffee.

I actually had guilt eating me up from the inside and so many times I wanted to bring up the conversation of us sleeping not only with each other, but other people as well.

But I couldn't start the conversation. I felt guilty as it was, but it wasn't because I slept with Ashley. It was because I slept with Ryder.

I didn't know if it's because now I felt like I was cheating on Luke or with Luke. I had pulled out my notepad to make notes on anything, but I couldn't get a grasp of it, so instead, I decided to pen a letter to Dear R.

Dear R

I'm a single mother of a toddler. Just recently I decided to rejoin the dating scene. But my dilemma is, I'm sort of kind of seeing my boss, who is offering me the world for my career, even before I was attracted to him. My ex has reappeared in my life, taking on the father role to my child. Then there is a colleague as well. I'm sexual with my boss and the pace of our relationship is at a crawl due to his work commitments and my personal commitments. Then I slept with my colleague in between my 'date' being in and out of the country. But it was a one time thing. Then my boss returned for a couple days before going again, spending a night, then my ex returned from his work, and one thing led to another.

Not once did I feel guilty until I slept with my ex. Now I feel like I'm cheating on someone, and I only want a relationship with one person, at the pace we are at now. I feel lost I don't know how to deal with this, not wanting to get hurt, or my child being hurt in the process.

I reread the letter, making sure I didn't miss anything. Luke is a great guy. He is, and he has offered me so much more. My career for starters. He cares about me, he is kind and he has met Rowan.

I didn't notice that my coffee had arrived and drunk it, now lukewarm. I tapped the pen against the note book, thinking. I do enjoy being in Luke's company, talking to him felt easy. But it was this whole relationship that had me thinking. I do enjoy this pace, but I suddenly felt it was too slow.

If I kept seeing Luke this way, once a week, we might not move any further with each other, just sticking to the same routine.

I don't want to be a single parent forever, but I also didn't want to wait till Rowan was graduating primary school by the time Luke and I stepped up in this thing.

I didn't bother finishing my coffee and placed all my things in to my bag as I got up and went to the car.

****

Ryder had notified me, telling me he will be back with Rowan around seven, giving him dinner.

So when Ryder did return, I was a bit of a wreck, my anxiety with Rowan gone so long had kicked in.

I saw the lights pull up in my drive way and went to the door and opened it, waiting for Rowan to come running up.

But instead, I saw Ryder carrying Rowan asleep on him.

I moved out off the way, letting them through before Ryder returned alone. "Hold on, I gotta get his bag."

I waited for the familiar bag as Ryder stayed outside and handed it to me.

"I'm sorry, Rhea." He said as he also gave me a thick folder of paperwork.

Frowning, I looked at it in my hands before facing Ryder. "What's this?" I asked, concerned.

"I can't let you take Rowan away." He said to me.

"Away?" Oh. "New York." I placed the bag by the door and shoved the folder back in to his chest. "You don't need them."

I knew immediately what they were. It was a preventative order, to keep Rowan in the country.

"Actually, I do."

I curled my lip up as I shook my head, going back inside. "No you don't." I stated.

"I want to stay a part of my sons life. I can't do that if he is half way across the globe and I can't relocate myself."

"I'm not taking it."

"Rowan is my son, I want to be able to see him whenever I want."

"I'm not going." I tried again.

"The time zones suck. I'll never be able to catch you to talk to Rowan."

"Ryder!" I nearly screamed.

"What?"

"You're doing it again." I sighed.

"Doing what?" Ryder asked as I rolled my eyes.

"You're not listening." I cried out to him as I folded my arms. "You never listen. Especially when I'm trying to talk to you."

"Alright, I'm listening." Ryder frowned as he placed the folder on the bench. I walked over to him, my arms crossed, irritation written on my face.

"No you're not." I told him, pointing a finger in to his chest. "While you were busy ranting, I tried telling you. I'm not taking the job." I sternly told him. "So stop fussing about yourself, because that's not going to cut it. Being a parent is being selfless and thinking of your child before yourself." I raved as I kept poking him.

"You're not taking it?"

I groaned. "No." I pouted.

I saw Ryder's face light up as he took me by the shoulders and kissed me. "That's great."

I stilled as I widened my eyes, looking at Ryder.

"What are you doing?" I whispered.

"I'm happy you aren't going."

I could tell. "I'll be happy when you let me go." I snipped at him.

Ryder released me and I stepped back.

"I think you should go." I said softly, stepping out of the way.

"Rhea, do we have to continue doing this?" Ryder sighed out.

"Yes, Ryder. We do." I spoke. "Because I've already told you, I'm not repeating our history."

I kept my head down, looking at the ground as I waited for Ryder to leave, locking the door afterwards.