What on earth am I going to do? It's like I don't know how to survive on my own without Nate, but he just can't be with me all the time. It's also not fair to distract myself with him, I need to deal with my issues.

It also doesn't work to have him running out of my backyard at seven a.m. That's just not fair and probably won't work again, as respectful as Nik and Alex are trying to be about this, I knew if they found Nate crawling in my window or staying with me in my room they'd kill him. Worse would be if my parents found out.

I wanted Nate and I to work and if my parents didn't trust the two of us together, nothing good would happen. Nate practically leapt out of my window this morning to avoid getting caught.

Last night was strangely....therapeutic. I realized a lot of things for myself that I hadn't even been thinking about. Like how much dad struggled when he was younger and how, most likely, that rage had carried over into present day. I realized how much my parents gave up when they were younger and how they needed each other.

It made me ask a lot of questions about myself. Would I be like my parents one day? Could we actually resolve our issues or would we just live with each other until I left? Did dad really care about me or did he care about skating?

All of it was so overwhelming to think about, and I really didn't have answers for any of it. That was why I was glad I told mom I wanted us to go to family counselling. I think dad and mom have a lot of issues they'd like to talk through and I think it'd be great for dad in particular given his unresolved issues from when he was younger.

I now had a short, but difficult-to-achieve laundry list. Number one try to fix my relationship with my parents, number two decide if I wanted to go back to skating at all. As much as it had a part in ruining my life it was also what made me feel like me. And number three, be with Nate and try to get over my fears with personal intimacy.

It seemed like a ridiculous list to achieve on top of everything else in my life but it would virtually fix all my problems. 

My day this far had been rushing Nate out of my window early this morning and then waiting for him to come back and get me. School was as normal as it usually was, I'd get antagonized a bit by a few people but I found it easier to shake off these days. Part of it was because Nate was by my side, but most of it was because I didn't believe I was worth getting made-fun-of anymore. 

Now I was alone in algebra, bored out of my mind and barely paying attention. I found myself distracted all the time in school. Suddenly my phone buzzes and I see a text pop up.

*Hey stranger, how about coffee tonight?*

I smile seeing the text is from Kate and quickly answer back.

*I'd like that, when and where?*

I send back feeling excited and my phone buzzes back.

*Perfect, I'll pick you up at five and we'll go to that place just down the road. Are you still staying with mister dreamboat?*

I laugh to myself slightly seeing Kate's words.

*No I'm back at home*

I say, getting almost an instant reply.

*Aw too bad, dying to hear all about it tonight though :)*

"Mrs. Petrov, are you with us?" I hear and see my teacher looking at me.

"Yes sorry." I say, lowering my eyes back to my book.

I couldn't wait now, I loved spending time with Kate and I was hoping she could give me some advice to help me with Nate and decide about skating. 

By then end of the day I happily walked over to Nate standing in the lobby. 

"Hey." He says and I smile, walking with him to the front doors. "How was your day?"

"Not too bad, Kate and I are going out tonight." I tell him and he nods.

"You and Kate are pretty close huh?" He asks and I shrug.

"She's just always been there for me I guess. I could talk to her about the things I couldn't talk to my parents about. She was also one of the only girls I was friends with, so she provided some much needed girl-time."

"That's great." He says with a nod and I smile. "I'm glad you're seeing her."

There was something off in his tone, something I couldn't pick out. But something was upsetting him, I could tell.

"Is something wrong?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"N-no, of course not." He says, opening the door on his car. I open mine and the two of us slide into the seats.

"Nathan." I say quietly. "I know you, I know something's upsetting you. What is it?"

"It's nothing." He says quickly. "I'm not upset."

"You're lying." I tell him and he sighs.

"I just...don't want it to bother me. Because it's not fair that it does, and it shouldn't." He says quietly.

"Just tell me what it is." I plead and he grabs my hand.

"H-hearing that you're going out with Kate.....well it makes me.....it makes me want to take you out." He says quickly and looks away. "And I know that's really unfair because of all of your other stuff that you're dealing with. But I want this." He whispers, lacing his fingers through mine and I press my lips together.

"I want this too." I whisper quietly. I wanted nothing more than to be with Nate, it was virtually all I thought about. "But I.....I don't want to be unfair to you." I tell him. "I have so many.....issues and it's not fair to do this when I'm dealing with them. I don't want them to be your issues."

"Sasha I think we're past that point." He sighs. "Don't you get that the only thing missing from this is a title? Nothing's going to change, I already help you deal with that stuff. I love you, we sleep in the same bed, we've already done things every couple on the face of the earth does."

I knew what he was saying but it really felt different to say Nate was my boyfriend. Part of me was a little scared to do it when I was so unsure of myself. I figured it could make our relationship rocky, and mess it up before it even got going.

"Please understand." I whisper and he nods quietly starting the car. "I don't want to hurt you-"

"You don't think it hurts to hear that you love me and then for you to turn around and say that you don't want to be with me." He asks pulling out of the parking lot.

"It's not that I don't want you, I want to be with you more than anyone else Nathan." I tell him. "But I'm not ready." I say confidently. "I'm not, and it's not fair to start this when I can't keep up with it."

"Do you really want to be with me?" He asks and I furrow my eyebrows.

"Yes." I tell him, nodding my head. "So badly, I'm not making excuses."

I watch as my street comes into view and pray this is the end of this horrible conversation. He pulls up in front of my house and sighs.

"Well that's what it feels like." He mumbles and my eyes widen.

"What?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. "Nathan are you kidding me? You only broke up with Sabrina a week and a half ago, who was hurting the other one then?" I defend and he runs his hand over his face. "I told you I wasn't ready to date you then, but I also told you nobody would ever take your spot. I mean that and I'm sorry my life gets in the way of everything but you knew that." I remind him and feel hot tears starting to spring into my eyes.

He told me he'd wait for me, that he'd wait as long as it took. That he wanted to be by my side through all of this and now my traumatized life was about to scare him away.

"I thought you loved complicated." I mumble and grab my bag off the floor. "I guess not." I say quietly and open the door to the car.

"No wait, Sash-that's not what I meant-"

"Have a good night Nate." I tell him and close the door to his car walking up to my house. I made sure to call him 'Nate', I always called him 'Nathan'.

Now I just laid in bed regretting everything, and waiting for Kate to come by so I could talk to her about it 

>

"Oh Jesus, you said that?" Kate asks sitting across from me at the table and I nod putting my face in my hands. "Sash-"

"I know!" I groan. "I don't know what's wrong with me, I brought up his ex."

"What?" She asks and I nod. 

"Tell me how to fix this." I whine and she sighs.

"You two are both so stupid." She says shaking her head. "Why would you do this to yourselves?"

"Because we really do feel this way about each other." I tell her and she nods.

"You've both dug yourselves into the weirdest hole I've ever seen. Why would you not be together if you love each other?"

"I told you why-"

"No, I heard that. It's a load of bullshit." She says and I sigh. "What's the real answer?"

"That was true." I mutter. "But whenever I think about turning this into a relationship I.....I worry he'll leave." I whisper shaking my head. "My family's crazy, I'm all messed-up and weird. I don't want him to.....change his mind."

"Are you serious?" She asks and I nod.

"I want him to be with me, but.....what if he thinks he made a mistake?" I ask. "What if he wants someone who doesn't have any complicated problems or is really willing to sleep with him? Sex seems to come with relationships."

"Not all relationships." She says shaking her head. "He's waited this long, he'll wait until you're ready."

"What if-"

"Enough with the what-ifs." Kate says, raising her hands. "Do you love this boy?" She asks and I nod.

"Yes."

"Does he make you happy?" She asks and I nod again.

"Yes."

"Hasn't he supported you through all of your problems this far?" She asks.

"Yes." I answer, seeing where she might be going with this.

"So then grab the bull by the damn horns, apologize for the ex-girlfriend thing and become official! It'll be easier to deal with your family stuff if you can lean on him. He clearly cares about you, he just wants you to be his."

"I don't know if I'll be a very good girlfriend." I tell her and she rolls her eyes.

"Sasha he just wants you! He doesn't expect things from you, just tell him you love him and make up." She says and I nod. "I know you've never done this before and that all of this is new but you're happy with him. He helps you, just be thankful you found that at a young age."

I can't believe I didn't think about this sooner, I was so busy trying to avoid making things harder that I unintentionally did. 

"I know you want to deal with this last so you guys can have a clean shot but....there's nothing wrong with being with him while you sort yourself out. He's already sat with you through a lot of heartache, he won't stop because you two are official now. It probably kills him that when you go to school he can put his arm around your shoulders or tell anyone you're together. Because let's face it you're as together as together gets."

"You're....right." I mutter.

"Duh!" She says. "I know you must feel like that too sometimes." She says and I nod. "This guy's done a lot for you Sash, he clearly cares about you he's not going anywhere. He doesn't expect you to go on dates or have sex, he just wants to tell people you're together."

"He wants to take me out though." I say, running my fingers through my hair. "Do you think I'm ready for that?"

"I can't tell you if you are or not." She reminds me and I nod. "It's like this sex stuff Sash, only you're going to know if you are." I sigh knowing she was right. "Don't you want to be with him?"

"I do." I say quietly. "I love Nate."

"Then work it out with him." She says and I nod.

"Thanks." I say quietly and she smiles.

"Sorting things out with your family is a long and winding road. It won't happen quickly, don't force yourself to wait, just be happy." She says and I sigh with a small smile of my own.

"I'll fix it." I say quietly. "Thanks for helping me sort it out Kate."

"No problem, it's so sweet to hear about the two of you together. It sounds like you're really....in love." She says, reaching across the table to hold my hand. "That's so exciting!"

"I just hope he isn't really upset with me." I say quietly. "I'd break if he didn't want to talk to me."

"He's probably doing exactly what you are right now." She assures me and I nod feeling hopeful that was the case. "Can I give you some advice?" She asks and I nod.

"Sure."

"Alright, just.....when he asks you something hard like that don't feel attacked. He isn't trying to upset you, just recognize that he's feeling a certain way and he's trying to tell you that." She says and I nod. "Does that make sense?"

"Yeah." I tell her. "I don't know why I acted like that." I mumble running my hand over my face.

"Well it's all in the past, all the two of you can do is move on together." She reminds me and I sigh with a small nod. "So tell me, has anything exciting happened recently between the two of you?"

"Well just normal stuff I guess." I tell her and my cheeks heat up when I think about the two of us in the shower.

"What is it? You're blushing!" She says in an accusatory tone and I laugh.

"Well.....we've made progress." I mumble.

"Progress how?" She asks excitedly and I laugh. 

"Saturday afternoon, after you dropped me at home....." I say and take a deep breath. "We sort of.....made out?" I tell her, feeling my cheeks get hot. "I let him see my boobs." I mutter and look away running my hands through my hair.

"What?!" She asks excitedly and I laugh. 

"But on Tuesday-"

"What happened Tuesday?" She asks, cutting me off and I sigh.

"We took a shower together." I say quietly and her eyes widen. 

"Shut up." She says and I nod, feeling mildly embarrassed. "So you've gotten over some of your worries?"

"Yeah we've actually been naked together." I say quietly. "Big step."

"Huge step!" She encourages. "So what does he look like?"

"Well he's tall, muscular-"

"No, no, no. Not that, I mean.....you've seen....." She says raising her eyebrows and I feel my eyes widen. 

"Oh." I say quietly. "I don't think I should really say anything." I tell her shaking my head and she laughs.

"Big?" She asks quietly and I hit her.

"Stop!" I tell her and she laughs. "I don't know, I've never....seen one."

"Okay, okay." She says. Then my mind starts to wonder how big is big? Is it bad one way or the other?

"W-well what do you think big is?" I ask and she laughs.

"Somewhere between eight and ten inches?" She says with a shrug and my heartbeat picks up. "What?" She asks and I clear my throat.

"N-nothing." I mumble and she hits the table with a laugh.

"Oh no fucking way." She says. "Mister perfect is packing? You lucky bitch." She says narrowing her eyes and I laugh. "So what exactly happened in this shower? Did you two just shower or.....did something more interesting happen?" She asks and I sigh.

"Something more interesting happened." I say quietly and she perks up. 

"Well details, details!" She says and I laugh. "Tell me, you know I won't tell anyone."

"Well I sort of...."

"You did something?" She asks and I nod. 

"I-um....I touched-"

"No you didn't." She says and I nod, laughing quietly. "Did he....." She starts and then stops giving me an odd look. "He did! Sasha Petrov, you deviant." She pretends to scold and I just laugh harder. "Did anything else happen?"

"Yes." I say quietly and she smiles.

"Did he return the favour?" She asks and I shove her again, feeling embarrassed. "Oh my god." She says shaking her head. "How was that?"

"Nice." I mumble and she laughs. 

"Yeah, I'll bet it was." She says and I feel heat rush to my cheeks. "Good for you Sash, that's good for the two of you." She reminds me and I sigh. "All joking aside, this is a good healthy step towards having sex. I know that's something you worry about and everything."

"It is." I admit and she smiles. "It's just nice to tell someone about all of that."

"That's the best part, the girl talk that comes afterwards is what's fun about it." She says and I laugh. "Thanks for coming out Sash, I miss seeing you all the time."

"I do too." I tell her and she smiles. "I miss skating with you."

"Same here." She says. "Have you...you know thought about doing it again?" She asks and I sigh. "I know it's a source of lots of your stress but....god you're so gifted. You really are, and I'd just hate to see you waste it." She admits and I shrug.

"I've....thought about it." I tell her. "But I think I'll just take some me time before I start with that again."

"I'd say that's fair." She says. "Whenever you're ready, Johnathan and I are here for you. We're ready to help you again. If you're never ready....we'll just keep doing stuff like this." She tells me and I smile standing up to give her a hug.

"Thanks Kate, that means a lot." I tell her and she smiles.

"Now come on, I'll drop you off at Nate's so you two can work this out."