I just don't feel right. My practices are turning more and more awful and I just don't have the tolerance for it anymore. I need to be as perfect as possible this weekend and with dad breathing down my neck my stress is up ten-fold.

Every turn has to be perfect, every jump has to be graceful. I can't even focus on skating with emotion when he's screaming at me every five seconds.

He hasn't let me out of his sight all week, he's tracking me and everywhere that I'm going. He hasn't let me go anywhere other than practice, school or the ballet studio. He's extended all of my practices by an hour so I'm getting even less sleep and he's planning on pulling me from school if I make it to nationals.

If I lose school than I'm going to break. I need school it's the only thing that makes me feel normal. Even there I get made fun of and tormented and it's still better than spending time at home.

I tried to talk to mom the other day and all she talked about was skating. I wanted to talk with her about school but she deflected the conversation. Then I tried to talk to her about going out sometime this week just to unwind and she told me whatever dad said went.

Mom tries so hard to stay out of dad's way. She's becoming more and more negligent of the things going on in mine, Alex and Nik's life. She does everything in the effort of pleasing dad and it's getting exhausting. Half the time when you talk with her you just get a brick wall, no connection, no interest.

I was the only child left in the house that dad would speak to. Alex and Nik were only spoken to when dad needed something from them. I knew that it was better by far to hate my life as a figure skater than be ignored by my parents. Part of me always blamed myself for the way Nik and Alex were treated. I'm sure if we'd all quit our family would be very different.

When I get home after ballet I'm ready to pass out from stress alone. I needed to talk to someone but because of our new agreement Nate and I were only texting. It wasn't enough truth be told, I wanted him back here the way he was, running his fingers through my hair and holding me tight. Why did I even tell him to give me space? 

I needed his support but I'd feel so sick with myself after we'd kiss. Not just because I thought he was doing the same thing with his girlfriend but, no matter who he was dating, that was cruel. And who was I to do that in the first place? It made me question so many things about how I felt about myself and especially about Nate.

I decide to take a seat and look at my Nate scrapbook. He laughed when he saw it, saying it was well done. I had all the best pictures of the two of us, all the valentines and notes he'd given me. Looking at this made me feel alright, like I had him close by.

"Jeez Sash that's the third time this week, is everything alright?" Alex asks walking past my room and I immediately shut the book.

"I-um...yeah." I say quietly then toss it back onto my floor. 

"Uh-huh." He says and leans on my doorframe. "Have you been seeing him much?"

"No, not in a while." I say and he looks instantly angry.

"I can't believe him, ditching you-"

"No, I asked him to." I quickly defend and he furrows his eyebrows.

"I....thought you said he was good for you. That you liked being around him...did he try something?" He hisses and I shake my head.

"No." I answer and stand up off my floor. "I'm just really busy right now and there's a lot riding on this. I'm trying my best to win with the choreography I hate, a dad who'd rather be my coach and a limited amount of sleep."

"So then why ask him to stay away?" He asks and I groan laying on my back. "Did something happen?"

"It's just.....a lot." I huff. "We get along great but it's impossible for both of us to have a friend that we need to keep a secret." I leave out the details of my feelings or me kissing him. I didn't particularly want to share those with my brother, who already wants Nate dead. "I told him that I reserved the right to pull out of our friendship if I got overwhelmed."

"Sash, that's not how friendship works." He says shaking his head. "You don't just stop caring about someone because they complicate your life. It's just going to hurt you and him in the process."

"I'm already hurt." I mumble.

"I thought you said-"

"Not by Nate." I tell him shaking my head. "Dad."

"I know." He sighs.

"He's the one that ruined that friendship four years ago. He treats me like an award winning show pony and he treats you like you're destined for the meat truck. He ruined our relationship as kids, he took away my childhood, mom isn't really a mom anymore.....life is just messed up now because of him." I sigh. "But Nate is a great person who's in with the wrong crowd. I know it isn't fair for he or I to have to make a decision and choose something over something else." 

"I know my place with dad, alright?" He asks quietly. "I know dad doesn't care about me or Nik and that's just the way things have been. You can't worry or think about me too when you're dealing with all of this stuff. One thing at a time." He says and I nod.

"Sometimes I wish I didn't ask him to go away." I mumble. "He really helped me last time before my qualifier. He came to one of my morning practices, but now that dad's watching me like a hawk that's not an option. He helped me land a triple that I've been struggling with for years."

"Is something else going on here?" He asks quietly, raising his eyebrows and I'm quick to shake my head. 

"Of course not." 

"Then why are you having this great internal conflict? You clearly miss him, just call him." He sighs and I think about that for a second. "I'll do you one better, I can take you to see him."

"What?" I ask feeling confused.

"Sash, I haven't seen you like this in ages. You don't stand a chance this weekend if you're like this." He insists and I press my lips together. "And if there's one thing I know about you, you think you're strong and that you can deal with everything by yourself. But you need someone, I think....as disgusting as it is.....Nate could be your someone."

"I thought you were my someone." I tease and he laughs.

"You told me yourself you like talking with him because he gets you. I do my best Sasha but, it's clear that I'm not always around when you need me." He says and I sigh with a nod. "Come on I'll tell dad you're going to the gym."

"You can't be serious." I tell him shaking my head. "Weren't you the one who hated this?"

"Yeah, but that was before I knew how important this was to you." He says and I smile walking over to give him a hug.

"You know you're the best right?"

"Of course I do." He says and I laugh. "Now let's go."

I grab my gym bag and follow Alex to his car just to make the story believable. We get in and I tell him how to get to get to Nate's. Once we pull up outside I feel my heart leap into my throat.

"I'll be back in two hours alright?" Alex asks and I nod stepping out of the car. I look around just to make sure there isn't a town car anywhere near Nate's house. The last thing he or I needed was to cause drama.

"Thanks Alex." I say quietly and I take a deep breath walking up to the door. I knock on the wood and fiddle with my hands as I hear footsteps inside. 

Then I watch as the door opens and I see a tired looking Nate standing on the other side of the door.

"Sasha?" He says quietly and I nod feeling a wave of emotion wash over me. 

"Hey." I say quietly and he walks forward giving me a hug that I ease into.

"What's wrong is everything okay?" He asks and I nod.

"Yeah....I'm just sorry for what I said. I want to spend time with you, even if it's a risk and everything's a mess." He laughs a bit and picks me up off the ground making me smile.

"I'm sorry too. I was so wrong for what I did." He whispers and closes the door bringing me upstairs. "I shouldn't have used you that way. Even though that's not what it felt like, that's what it was."

"I shouldn't have pressured you about it." I say quietly, shaking my head. "I miss you, this week has been awful dad is working me so hard and-"

"Shh, it's okay." He says quietly running his hand over my hair and I nod. He sits us down together and I just keep hold of him. "I-I want you to know that I'm done with Sabrina. She's out of town this week but when she gets back I'm breaking up with her."

"Why?" I ask feeling sad for him. Breaking up with someone seemed so awful and I knew it had to be a hard decision.

"Because when I left your place the other night I went to a party at Jake's request. When I got there I was trying to find him, instead I found him with Sabrina." He says sadly.

"Did he kiss her?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"No they were....having sex." He admits reluctantly and I clear my throat.

"Oh god, that's so awful." I say shaking my head. "I'm really sorry."

"It's not even her I'm mad at, it's mostly Jake. I should have seen it coming with Sabrina, hell I probably deserved it for going behind her back. But Jake? He's supposed to be my best friend and instead he's sleeping with Sabrina behind my back?" He sighs and I nod running my thumb back and forth over his shoulder.

"I know it's hard." I tell him meaning it in every way, no matter who you are losing a friend is always hard.

"Just means I need better people in my life." He says shaking his head. "People like you. I'm all in alright? I'll be at that competition this weekend, I want to watch you compete."

"Really?" I ask and he nods. 

"Really." He says and I laugh a bit. "I miss you too."

"I'm sorry for how I acted about everything that was going on." I say feeling embarrassed. "If I'd have known-"

"You couldn't have." He assures me cupping the side of my face. "I'm just glad you're back." He whispers then kisses the space between my eyebrows. The tender gesture practically melts my heart. 

"I am too." I say quietly running my fingers through his short hair. 

"You know we need to talk about this at some point right?" He asks and I nod knowing he's talking about the massive elephant in the room. Our feelings.

"I know, after I finish sectionals." I whisper quietly. "I can't take both on at once and I'm trying to go to nationals." 

"Alright." He whispers. "Maybe I'll sneak back through your bedroom window again." I laugh a bit and run my thumb over his cheekbone, observing his eyes. They're this wonderful warm hazel colour, brown with a hint of green. "Why are you staring at me?" He asks in a teasing voice.

"I just love your eyes." I admit shamelessly. I watch as the corners of his mouth quirk up into a smile and I smile too.

"Mine?" He asks and I nod. "I love yours, they're this gorgeous silvery-blue. They're nice to look at."

"Well it's not just your eyes, it's your dimples, the way you smile like you're embarrassed about everything, the crease between your eyebrows. It's all the things that make up who you are." I say quietly. 

"You're gorgeous." He whispers and I roll my eyes. "It's true!" He defends. "I can't believe you don't think that. It's not just your eyes either, it's your eyelashes, your hair, the way you jump whenever I put my hands on your waist." He says and I feel my breath hitch as he makes his point. 

"That's just embarrassing." I protest and he laughs moving his hands back to my hair and undoing the bun to let it fall around my shoulders.

"It's cute." He says back quietly and I laugh. He pulls us both down now so we can lay in bed together. This must have been one of the nicest ways to be, one of the things that I loved most about spending time with Nate. "Tell me everything I missed." He says quietly. "I haven't seen you in days and I miss the sound of your voice.