I laid on the floor of the study late into the night, trying to learn to push back against Esayr's emotions. I'd feel it bubble up slow and languid inside. On its tail came the memories stirred up from the depths like he'd thrown a pebble into a lake. They were so bright it was almost blinding. It was hard to sift through the joy he was making and the joy innate in those memories that got pulled to the forefront. I thought of how the act of smiling scientifically made you happier and I wondered if this was how his power worked on everyone. 

The concept of letting someone you barely knew manipulate your emotions sounded terrifying, but it wasn't. I was laughing and happy and not just because he made me. I had taken to telling him the memories that did me in. The ones that sent me over the edge gasping with laughter, and it was a pleasure to see his face light up. I suspected he just liked hearing about my life and for some reason in that small room, I wanted to share that with him. 

"One time Natalie ordered lemonade --a sour drink made of sugar and squeezed lemons, it's really good. And anyway she ordered a lemonade but they just brought her a water with a bunch of lemons in it. And god bless her she was too sweet to send it back. So, Charlotte grabbed the drink and tried to make lemonade by pouring in a shit ton of sugar. She'd planned on squeezing the lemons into it too, but she ended up just squirting one of them straight into Nat's eye." I wheezed through the laughter. I'd almost forgotten this memory. It had been ages ago. "And that shit burns so bad when you get it in your eye. Oh my god, you have no idea."

Esayr smiled indulgently down at me, "You have good friends."

My cheeks were sore, but I still managed a smile, "Yeah. I really do."

"I wish my Riniere could have met them."

I was reminded of his culture's tradition of Riniere's sending away their friends on their mating. Suddenly the moment felt intimate. That bond tugged tight between us. It didn't quite hurt, but it was an uncomfortable feeling. I tried breathing through it.

Esayr shifted his leg until our knees touched. We'd both moved to lean against the wall side by side more than an hour ago. The tightness faded away in the wake of that simple touch. I let out the breath I'd just sucked in.

We sat in silence for a while before he spoke, "I'm sorry," his voice was soft.

"I'm sorry, too."

"You don't have--"

"Esayr. Just accept my apology please." I looked into those dark eyes that actually seemed to be able to look right into my soul, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not more manageable. I'm scared and that fear turns into anger. You deserved a mating that was easy. You deserved to have your dreams come true without this kind of fight."

Esayr searched my face, "Thank you. I'm sorry that your choices were taken from you and I'm sorry that this bond tries to push you --us-- to places you aren't comfortable with. You deserved to feel secure and loved and, most of all, ready when we began our Temanus Ilharus." He leaned his head back against the wall as he gazed down at me, "I'm more than willing to fight this fight, though."

I snorted, "I don't understand how you manage to be so forward and yet so patient."

He cocked an eyebrow, "How so?" The hint of a smirk teased the corners of his mouth and it was threatening to shift his good looks into something deadly sexy.

"You're always so sure when you talk about us. You talk about our m-mating," I stumbled over the word but soldiered on, "as if there isn't any other possibility. Are you never uncertain?"

He stared at me, just drinking me in. 

No one had ever just looked at me for the sake of wanting to look at me before and it made my breath come faster. I pulled my legs up to my chest and pressed them tight together.

"I can't stop believing in that future. Before I even met you I couldn't stop believe you were mine. If I did, I didn't know that I'd survive. The males that went down before me, the males that came back with no one, were so much stronger than me. They're still waiting, bearing that heartbreak so acutely."

I reached out and squeezed his hand that laid pressed into the floor between us, "I think I could have loved you. If this whole thing hadn't been fucked up. I could have loved you."

He flipped his hand over, letting me press mine into his. The warmth of that connection and closeness flowed up my arm, settling nerves and tension I hadn't known had been there. The bond between us thrummed lightly as if it were pleased.

He brushed his thumb along the back of my hand, and smiled a devastating smile, "All I ever need is to hear you say the worlds: 'I', 'could', 'love', and 'you' in a sentence."

I squinted at him suspiciously, "I think you conveniently left out a few other words in there."

He hummed as he considered it, "I don't think I did." That smooth confidence was back.

The warmth from the bond was making my thoughts fuzzy and muddled. I pulled my hand away and the connection was broken. I felt slightly chilled by the loss. Goosebumps rose on my arms and I felt oversensitive in the soft white clothes the ship had gifted me. I slowly stood up, my joints a little achy from sitting on the floor for so long.

"You should sleep. It's late and I have a ship to show you tomorrow."

I'd almost forgotten. "Can I bathe? I don't want my hair to be greasy when I go out and see everyone.

He gave me a confused look, "You never need to ask. This is as much your home as it is mine."

"Could...do you think you could tell me what soaps are what in the bathroom? I can't read your language and I don't want to use anything wrong."

"Ah of course." He hopped up, quick and graceful for such a large man. "I forget that you can't read and speak Vallen." He led the way to the bathroom, "If you'd like I could take you to the science bay tomorrow and you could get the same language interface that we have. Kados could likely even install it." 

"Would it hurt? How do you know it would even work on a human?" I watched as he picked up three bottles and handed them to me.

"No. He would numb your first, and we make a habit of checking for possible issues with our technology and the races we interact with. We have your genome, remember? The computer can synthesize a relatively accurate view of a creature with the smallest fragment of it's DNA. There's an area right here," he held his hand up and brushed the left side of my head, right by my ear, "that's likely the best place for the interface. Our computer indicates many of your language centers are there."

I unconsciously leaned into the touch. 

Esayr took the opportunity to trace the shell of my ear lightly and it caused me to shiver.

I swallowed back the gasp that threatened to come out as his fingers traced lower down past the hollow beneath my ear to the column of my throat. My nipples pebbled. I folded my arms across my chest to hide the points but sent a bolt of sensation straight down between my legs. You're being too bold Addison. One voice whispered in my mind. Another countered, Bold? You're just standing there, you can be bolder.

I pressed my legs together, I felt warm and slippery.

Esayr took a startlingly deep breath and his tongue shot out to wet his lips. 

I was drawn to the movement, so much so that I rocked forward onto the balls of my feet for a second before I realized what I was even doing.

He noticed the movement, though. In a second every muscle coiled tight. His eyes were dark and intense. I couldn't see his pupils, but I could have guessed they were blown wide. 

This is the moment in the novel where he should kiss me. The nerves came rushing back. I've never been kissed. What will I do? Am I supposed to let him take the lead? Do I start with my mouth open? What if I don't even taste good? I haven't brushed my teeth since I got up here. I don't know how to kiss him back.

His intense look softened in the span of a second. He pointed to the soaps in my hand, "These two are for your hair. This is for your body. They should have a neutral smell, not overpowering. Personally, I prefer the sweet scent you usually use."

"Oh." Vanilla. It was some cheap vanilla body wash I'd gotten from the dollar store. 

He wished me well before he disappeared out of the bathroom, leaving me thinking about the fact that I had wanted to kiss him back.