“I know it's hard to remember

The people we used to be

It's even harder to picture

That you're not here next to me

You say it's too late to make it

But is it too late to try

And in our time that you wasted

All of our bridges burned down.”

Aren't there moments when you are so numb that tears just refuse to fall anymore? When you just remain there curled up in a ball with no response to the world. You just don't care about what is happening in the outer world because you are currently in a war with your inner self.

Pulling my legs to my chest, I rested my back to the wall and sat with my head buried between my knees as my entire body shivered in the aftermath of what happened this afternoon.

Betrayal. Treachery. Punic faith. Perfidy.

This is how the dictionary defined what happened to me. But what I felt was beyond that. Way way beyond that.

It is like having all your dreams, all you've ever beyond right before your eyes. It is like getting to live that moment for a while. It is like touching the most beautiful and magnificent thing on earth. Like a moment of absolute bliss.

But then, everything is taken away, harshly if I may add. And you are thrown into absolute darkness without any support.

You are located in a suffocating dungeon where you bang on the walls and shake the iron bars, scream your lungs out for someone to listen but there's no one to listen.

Till that one time when you realize that no one's gonna listen so you just shut up. But your inner self is still just screaming.

It is like holding all you've ever wanted in your arms like it's yours. But getting it ripped away from your arms before realizing that it was never really yours to begin with.

Next morning I woke up with a pain in my neck and back, because of having slept on the marble floor.

Standing up, I walked like a zombie to the washroom and observed my face in the mirror.

Dark circles bagged under my eyes making me look like I haven't slept in days, my eyes were bloodshot despite having slept for hours. My skin was pale and colourless and they had lost the shine they possessed.

Staring back at myself, I realized how different I had been yesterday. How happy I was about something that was false and deceiving.

The thought made me want to slap myself because of how naive and gullible I had been.

Look at what I have don't to myself. I have lost my spirit.

Lost my wolf too. Yesterday when I woke up, I was ecstatic. I even had a little chat with my wolf. More than anything we have ever done before. It was way more than just hearing her voice occasionally in my head.

But now I couldn't even feel her presence. It was like she wasn't there.

It was like she was dead.

And it was me who caused it. My gullibility. My high expectations. My unrealistic fantasies. And my tendency to forgive to easily.

I looked again in the mirror and scoffed.

How pathetic.

What have I done to myself?

And do I want to continue doing this? Do I want to continue being pathetic? Or do I want to brave up and fight for myself?

Stripping out of my clothes, I went into the shower and made the water as hot as possible.

I loved the feeling of how it almost burned my skin. I loved the sting it caused. I loved how my body was alerted in it's presence.

And most of all, I loved how the pain made me feel alive.

I was alive. And as long as I am, I can endure this pain and many more.

As long as I am alive.

Opening my palm I watched as the water slipped from between my fingers and I decided that I want to brave and fight for myself.

And this time, not for us. But just for myself.

Walking into the common Hall I wished for no one to see me. And if they saw me, I wished for them to not remember that I didn't shift.

Because a fortnight has passed. And I haven't shifted. If anyone knows about it, I would be ridiculed and looked down upon.

They'd think that I am a recessive wolf. Actually what happens is that, if your parents have one alleles of recessive human Gene and another allele of dominating werewolf Gene, then there's a 25% chance of you turning out to be a human. That's just how genetics work.

They'll think I am recessive and human and they'd be disgusted by me because this is really tabooed in packs.

I won't be able to convince them that I do have a wolf that got weak and hid away because of my mate.

They won't believe. Because-

A) they don't know Chance is my mate

B) they love him too much to trust me.

Sighing, I prayed to moon goddess that no one sees me as I made my way into the gym.

No one was here yet. It was too early in the morning.

I took my jacket off so that I was just in my sports bra and capris as I made my way to the punching bag.

Forming a fist, I used all the power of my body and invested it into my arm muscles as I hit the bag.

It barely even moved.

I huffed, and tried again. Forming a tighter fist, I punched it again and again till I was exhausted but everytime, it hardly moved at all.

Frustrated as hell, I let out a groan as I tried to do it once more when a voice stopped me.

"You have to train yourself first, grow some muscles, add nutrients to your body, build stamina and get into the habit. You can't go the punching bag first, just like you can't learn how to form a sentence without learning the alphabet."