CHAPTER 20

Dimitri

Well, these past weeks have gone to shit!

They took away my privileges from me. Damn that bastard, superintendent. He was always on my case. But it got worse since my parole hearing was coming up in a couple of weeks.

The fight happened in the laundry room. I got angry. I lost control. I fucking punched him. But I was convinced it was in self-defense. I saw something glint. He had a makeshift blade in his hand. Intended to use it. Pretty sure to use it on me.

I can't be held accountable for my actions. Clearly, the tables were turned, because the inmate was sent to the hospital wing with a broken jaw and cracked left rib. I regretted it. But now I suffered the damn consequences, luckily it wasn't too harsh.

The prison guards gave me a punch to the gut with their baton. Locked me in my cell for two weeks with no privileges.

No runs. No walks. No yard. No work. No telephone calls. And above all, no mail.

The last part sucked. I only imagined what Lillie was thinking and just hoped she didn't think I abandoned her. The thought made my body stiffen.

I scowled.

I needed to keep my anger in check. I couldn't risk losing it again like that. The bigger picture is what I needed to focus on. I needed to change. I wanted to change. I wanted to be a better man. And that meant slow to anger. I took a deep, long breath and closed my eyes. I couldn't let this get in the way of what I wanted.

I felt guilty for disappointing Lillie. Even though it's been exactly twelve days, I missed writing to her. I ached for her letters. I got so used to them. I shook my head. For a person who doesn't read much, I'm sure writing a lot of letters these days, including for my parole.

But the parole letter was my determining factor whether or not I get out of this shit hole. I sat at my desk, thinking about the questions I had to answer.

I had to write about my crimes.

Well, what can I say about that? I need to stop fighting for one. I can be an aggressive guy if you push me the wrong way.

About how I felt about it?

It feels good at the time, but the action is never worth it at the end.

How I did people wrong?

Fuck. I did so many people wrong. I sighed. I can't take it back now.

How I plan to integrate into society?

I thought of Lillie. She was a complete opposite of me, but somewhat the same in some respects. Would she be able to understand me? I can be a complicated person. I don't open up easily.

If I learnt my lesson?

Hell yeah!

***

Two more days passed by. I looked at the four grey walls of my cell. The same walls I looked at for seven years. It was draining. Excruciating.

Days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months. Months turn into years. That's how life was here. Painfully slow and lonely.

The prison guard came by.

Finally.

Releasing me from my punishment. I made it intact. But most importantly, I got my privileges back.

"One day at a time," I would keep telling myself.

He handed me my mail. Two letters from Lillie. My heart skipped a beat. I finally had it in my hands.

I tore it open. Sat back at the desk and read.

The first letter was our normal conversation, that we picked up from before, happiness reflected in her words. The second letter seemed like she was despondent. Her letter was brief, as if she was cautious with her words.

I flinched and ran my hands hard through my hair. Shit! She probably thinks I didn't like her pictures or something and blowing her off. It was her picture that was pushing me through all of this shit.

I needed to do damage control.

I wish I could hold Lillie and tell her. "You not the problem. I am!"