•Unsteady By X-Ambassadors•

This so fucked up.

My fists clench over and over as I fight back the waves of panic and fear that threaten to drown me. I know I'm down for now. Now they just won't send me away, to another crappy foster family, or split us up, now I know I'm going to prison. I'm too old to be placed in another home anyways, but Charlotte isn't. I will never ever truly regret what I did to save myself and her, but in this moment I can't help but wish I hadn't done what I did.

I wish I hadn't had to take a human life.

My breathing comes in rapid gasps and my whole body is wracked with tremors. I can't go, I can't leave Charlotte, I can't leave Casey, I can't leave....fuck!

"Scout!" Suddenly her warm hands are on my face, cradling my cheeks so gently, wiping away the tears that never seem to stop falling. Her sweet voice tells me to open my eyes, to breathe, to tell her what's going on.

"I can't." I choke on a sob.

"Can't what, love?"

"I can't tell you!" I bite the inside of my cheek as I sit there, wanting more than anything to curl up in her lap and let her hold me, let her comfort me, to believe her when she says it will all be okay.

But all I can manage is a sigh of acceptance. Charlotte will be allowed to stay with her. I know it. At least she'll be safe, at least she won't be put into another home.

"Just....take care of my daughter." I swing my eyes open and the stormy panicked ones looking back at me nearly have me sobbing. She shakes her head and her hands tighten on my face, pulling it closer. "No," she growls. Our noses rub together.

"No. Not now, not when I've only just fallen for you."

My heart drops to my knees. Joy threatens to overwhelm me but I can't let it. It will only make this a hundred percent harder. "You.....you love me?" I whisper, my lips brushing against hers as I speak.

Her eyes water with unshed tears and I want to look away because the sight of this strong, intimidating, striking woman losing it in front me is almost too much to bear. "Sometimes, inima mea, you are not the smartest crayon in the box."

I huff out a broken laugh and delay my reply by pressing my lips to hers. Our breaths mix together with the salt in our tears. You can taste the goodbye in the kiss, the love also. It takes everything in me to pull away from her, but I do.

"Promise me you won't let them take her. Adopt her as your own, but please don't let them take her. I won't let her face the hell that I did." Her eyes tighten at my words and even though I haven't told her about what I've gone through, I know she has a pretty good idea.

For a moment I think she's going to deny me but then she glances back the other love of my life and smiles softly. I know she adores her. Her gaze returns to mine after a moment and hardens with determination.

"As you wish, but answer me one question."

I swallow hard and nod. "What did you do?" My hands start to tremble again and I suck in a deep breath. She deserves to know, and I suppose this is the best opportunity to tell her incase she never wants to see me again.

"I killed Charlotte's father." I whisper and step out into the rain.

The drops sting my face as I walk towards her house, crossing my arms over my chest I tell myself over and over that I deserve this, that I took a human life and then ran afterwards like the coward I am.

I can only hope that Charlotte won't suffer because of me.

<><><>

"So, Ms. O'Brian, I don't want you to be alarmed. I am only here to ask you a few questions." I fight to not roll my eyes at the common use of the line. The man purses his lips, and even that simple action threatens to send me into cardiac arrest.

I always, always, have hated law enforcement. Not the people, just the program, the rules. There are so many rules stacked up in this program that you can hardly see which building is actually a building.

My hands are still handcuffed and the metal is starting to cut into my wrists but I don't dare complain. Besides, I've been through much worse than this.

"So ask your questions and then leave me the hell alone." I snap when he just continues to stare at me. He's not a bad looking man- salt and pepper hair with laugh lines around his green eyes and sharp features. He sighs and shakes his head, removing his glasses and shoving them into his shirt pocket before he opens the file in front of him and shoves pictures at me.

I swallow hard and force myself to look at them, the images that are already burned into my brain. Blood was everywhere, his head lols to the side, exposing a stab wound to his jugular.

"Can you tell me who this is?"

"Ezekiel Graham." I say without hesitation, forcing myself to portray a dead expression.

"And who was he to you?"

My fists clench under the table as I struggle to bury the memories. "My foster brother." I grit out.

Her doesn't give any reaction to my words other than a nod. "Did you know that Mr. Graham was stabbed 18 times?"

I did know that, the memories of that night have haunted me and allowed me to never forget. "Yes."

A flicker of surprise lights in his expression at my willingness to be truthful. "And how do you know this?" He inquires.

"I know because I put them there."

He nods nonchalantly, as if this is something he hears everyday. "And why is that, Ms. O'Brian? Why did you feel he had to die, such a horrific death?"

My nails bite into my palms as I clench my fists. "He tried to kill me." I ground out, closing my eyes briefly against the assault of memories. I open them a minute later and level my gaze with the interrogator.

"Because?"

The words are acid in my mouth but I force myself to spit them out. "Because he had been torturing me since the very first day I arrived in that home, and when I finally fought back, he snapped."

"Define what you mean by torture." He prods. My face goes blank. "At first it was almost a playful teasing, gentle prodding here and there, until I went into his room to look for a book I thought he'd borrowed, and then everything went down hill from there. He came in and saw me in the room, and got really angry. He beat me so black and blue that I was out of school for a month. Then it changed, he was very clear about what he wanted from me." I laugh a humorless smile. "He said that since I was stealing something from him, then he had to steal something from me....."

Suddenly I don't feel so secure anymore. The walls seem to press in on me and my chest comes in rapid gasps. My eyesight darkens around the edges, nearly enveloping me in darkness. "Ms. O'Brian, I need you to stay calm." I hear him speaking but I don't understand him. A knock on the door startles me but I can't stop gasping. "You can't be in here!" I hear a couple voices angrily shouting before the most wonderful voice breaks through.

"Let me see her! Why the fuck is she cuffed? She can't breathe, get out of my way Jacobi Ryan or so help me I will have your whole task force thrown out onto the streets like the beasts you are!" She sounds like an avenging angel gearing up for battle.

Then her hands are on my face and I hear someone screaming. Her beautiful grey eyes are "Scout, love I need you to breathe for me, breathe baby." The sound suddenly cuts off and that's when I realize I was the one screaming and then I'm sobbing and I know I'm on the floor and she's rocking me back and forth as I bury my head in her neck and cry.

I cry for my parents, for Charlotte and the fact she'll never be able to have a perfect life the way she deserved, and for my lost childhood and for any other children who've had to suffer through sexual abuse and trauma like mine.

❤️