The idea swirling around in my head was deplorable, just thinking about doing it made my heart drop to my stomach, yet I couldn't let it go. The papers in my hands that outlined the exact thing I wanted to do with my life were heavy with possibilities, even if they weren't supposed to be my invitation. Somewhere in the building, a door opened and closed, the sound snapping me out of the trance I was in and I sat the stack of papers down on the desk in front of me. My mind was swirling with possibilities, I needed time to really think and weigh the pros and cons of what I was pondering. I gathered up the stack of papers once more, carefully sliding them back into the envelope and ensuring that I had left none behind.

Closing the door to the office, I hesitated with the door barely open a crack, any further and the lock would engage and I would not be able to get back in. In the office were untold amounts of important research, work that was invaluable to me on both a personal and professional level. I wasn't sure if I could just leave it all behind, it seemed like a sin to let Tammy's life's work be left potentially unused or destroyed. I pushed open the door enough for a sliver of light to illuminate her desk and filing cabinet, my eyes scanning the room as I decided what to do. Ultimately, I slowly closed the door and let it lock, it was not my place to decide I deserved anything of hers, I already felt bad enough even considering the implications of the envelope.

Back home, my hands shook as I took the documents out again, I had half expected to see that they were something entirely different, my brain having made up exactly what I wanted to see. I was relieved that the letter was the same along with all of the accompanying documents. It was real, the organization existed, and I had a shot at becoming part of it. If I could get over the moral implications, at least..

"You're up late."

I jumped at the sound of my dad's sleepy voice. He had come down the hallway, likely not very stealthily, but in my excitement I had blocked everything else out.

"Yeah!" I exclaimed a bit too loudly for the middle of the night. "Just looking over some work," I lied.

His face broke into a soft, but worried smile.

"You just got home and just went through a very traumatic experience, you need time to rest and recovery, work should be the last thing on your mind."

I thumbed through a couple of the papers in front of me, stalling for time to think of a good reason why I was up. He was completely correct, like usual, about what would be best for me, but I didn't think I'd be able to sleep with something this big in front of me.

"It's just that Dr. Phillips had some unfinished business that I know she would want me to take care of," I half-lied. "I just couldn't rest until I went and got what I needed for me.

My dad's eye traveled to the stack of papers in my hand and he shook his head.

"You need rest, whatever it is can wait." His eyes were a little misty, it could have been the fog of sleep, but most likely he was trying to hold back from letting a tear drop. "We both need you to relax for just a while."

I let out a sigh and nodded in agreement. I wasn't going to just drop thinking about the organization, but I wasn't so cold hearted as to not try to relax.

"Good," he said, stepping forward with his hand open and looking towards the stack of documents in my hands.

"Oh," I said, pulling the documents towards me, "I don't think she would have wanted anyone else to see what she was working on," I blurted out.

"Alright," he sighed, "but I don't want to see you working on anything, okay?"

I stood up and gave him a hug, he returned with a long squeeze, his arms shaking slightly. I instantly felt bad for being caught up, he really was taking everything that had happened to me hard.

"How about in the morning you make me your famous pancakes?" I suggested. "Then we can find some dumb cartoons on TV and eat in front of it like we used to do on the weekends."

"That sounds perfect," he agreed with a soft smile.

Back in my room, I closed the door and flipped on the small table lamp at my desk. I sat and put the stack of papers in front of me, already feeling guilty that I still wanted to leaf through them. Hoping that my dad wouldn't come to check on me, I began to read everything they had sent to Tammy. It took until the sun was just cresting over the horizon, but I set the last paper down with my mind buzzing with possibilities.

Tammy had been submitting research to the organization entailing her work on tracing a "centaur like creature" in South America. They, of course, didn't send the actual research, but they alluded it to be very thorough and well regarded, a "shining beacon" of the kind of work they were hoping to include in their ranks. It seemed that she had been working on the case for a while and I just so happened to have picked the perfect topic for my final paper for her to recruit me. I almost seemed a little too well planned on my part, but I only wished I could have taken credit.

Investigation complete, I lounged the rest of the day per my dad's wishes. Mostly I hung out in the living room with him while he acted like I was ten and home from school sick. I wasn't complaining, especially about the copious amount of junk food and soda he had bought specifically to make me feel better. By the end of the day I almost felt normal, the dark thoughts having been pushed farther back in my mind, though I could still feel them lingering, brushing up against the edges of my consciousness.

Just as I was finally feeling like maybe I could get off the couch and do something else, my phone buzzed on the coffee table. It was a message from Jess and I immediately felt guilty, I hadn't told her about anything, not even that I was home safe.

"When were you going to let me know you were home!!!"

"Sorry about that," I typed, "kind of had a lot of things going on."

"I know but still!"

I sighed and looked up at my dad who was busy texting as well, she had probably texted him first to ask about me.

"I know, I know." I typed, then sat trying to think of how to put what had happened into words. "It was nuts."

"I bet," she replied, "I only know what your dad told me, but, are you okay?"

"Yeah, they didn't even notice me when it happen."

"I know that, I mean... I guess mentally."

I sat looking at her text for a good few minutes trying to place into words the state of my own mental health. I was better than I thought I would be, but I was constantly a hair's breath away from tumbling back into reliving my last few moments with Tammy. I didn't know how to word my tenuous grasp on my own reality in a way that didn't sound pathetic in my head.

"Sorry, that was probably a bad thing to ask right now." She said, thankfully relieving me of my plight. "I'm just worried about you."

"I'll be okay."

I wrote it, but I wasn't sure it was completely true

"If you're sure. If you need anything, just let me know, okay? Maybe we should hang out soon?"

"Yeah," I replied, "I'll let you know when I feel up to it."

I tossed my phone back on the table and let out a long sigh.

"She just wants to know you're okay." My dad set his own phone aside and looked up at me.

"I know, I was just doing pretty well with not thinking about the whole thing."

He smiled and nodded his head understandingly.

"Maybe take think about what happened in small chunks, might make it easier to digest the whole thing."

I shrugged my shoulders and pealed myself off the couch.

"I'm going to take a nap," I said, padding back to my room. I was done thinking for the day and was exhausted from waking up in the middle of the night.