Here I am, confused over my current situation. The thing is I can't decide whether I am floating mid-air in an awfully dark night or am I dead? I am leaning towards death if the memory of me slitting my own throat holds true and was not just another nightmare.

I have been laying immobilized like this for quite some time now. At first, in case I was alive, I had thought about screaming and catch someone’s attention but that thought soon flew away at the thought of that someone being human. Nothing good comes out of disturbing them.

So I did the sane thing, kept quiet. Struggling to move so that I could at least get an idea about my restrains but all I felt was as if I had been mummified because I could barely move a muscle, yet I felt no cloth on me nor had struggle breathing. Had I been paralyzed? Drugged? Part of another sick play?

Please save me, someone.

“The only ones who can do any harm to you here is none other than you and I, child” came the reply. The voice felt strangely genderless and seemed to be coming from all sides.

“What? Who's there!? Please! Help me. I-I am a servant of our beloved queen.” Am I really alive? How long had this person been here? I didn’t hear any steps or doors opening. Are there more around me or is it just him/her alone? What is with this floating sensation then? Did he do something to me? For all I know I might not have cut too deep. It’s not like I had any experience in cutting my own throat before the last try. Maybe they found me and healed me? Maybe they did drug me? I hope this one ends soon.

“I know very well who you are, child. Galtros Longstride, son of Galvasir Longstride and Ragni Longstride, brother to Annazeth Longstride. All deceased. As for myself, you know me as Zelor and Agni and other names which I would share but honestly, there are just too many names and too little time for me to discuss them all with you. “

Was it weird that I thought whoever this was, he was bored and probably reading the information from a book? I swear I heard a page flip.

“Oh, and you may speak your mind. After all, I can hear every thought that passes through it. So, let’s just be open and get this over quickly, shall we?”

“M-mind magic is forbi-” “Not here..”

“Look sir... or ma'am..?” “God would do.” “Ah ok, ‘god’. As I mentioned I am a serv-” “Know it.” “uh, could you please help me. I can neither move nor see.”

The moment those words left my mouth, I found myself standing back in my quarters. This small room has been what I have called home since my service to the queen. Mine and my kin’s. I do a quick spin but detect no other presence. Was it a dream? Did I space out? Then what of last night? I reach for the doorknob hoping to get some fresh air in but my hands pass through it. I try over and over again but find no success. I try to push and bang or simply pass through the door but nothing works.

“Someone… help. I don't understand what's going on? Is this a dream as well? Why can't touch anything?”

“Cause you are nothing but a soul. What you see around you is but a reflection of what comfort and peace mean to you.” Said the same genderless voice that I had almost forgotten about. I try to search for its source but yet again, there is no one around.

“Where are you? Who- what are you? Show yourself,and ex-please explain just what is happening?”

“I am right here. It’s just that you lack the ability to see the divine, and cause I like it this way. Don’t fret. The visions of you dying are true and now 18 days, your measure of time, later you stand before me, so I could pass judgement onto you. Nothing serious. If you cooperate we should be done in a jiffy.”

“Then you are Goddess Nefcia?” “I am whatever you want me to be. Wait. Dammit, I said it again.” I get down on my knees at that confirmation and clasp my hands together, “Why? Why my goddess? Why make me and my kin suffer?” I ask while my emotional dam breaks in front of the one who could finally answer all the questions that are at me all throughout my life. Look at me. Once again being an embarrassment to the fae.

“I had no part in how your lives turned out child. Neither yours nor that of your kin.” comes the reply. For once a hint of emotion in it.

“Bu-but you are supreme! You see all! Know all! Why did you not act even after knowing what the humans did to your children?”

“My children? The humans are as much my children as the fae.” comes the voice followed by the sudden sound of book closing.

“Let me reintroduce myself. I am who you believe me to be and much more. I am the mother of the fae. Father of humans. Uncle of dwarves and yet I am none of them. Those gods/goddess are mere specks of myself, there to observe. I have never interfered. Not in your world. It’s a world designed to study free will. Wonderful stuff I tell you.”

“Bu-but” “Look child. That was the beauty of your world. If you wanted anything, you could have had it. All you had to do was reach out and take it. The humans did what they did because they could. And because you didn't do enough to stop it.”

I couldn’t help but smile in defeat. Now, who else was I to blame if not even the divines were to be blamed for my circumstances.

“I accept my fate… mother? Great one? Let's just get this over with. I am tired of living and remembering my past. Now, do I go to hell or heaven or is it like the Awartaak says that we merge with you?”

“No, that is not how it works. When a mortal dies, their souls flow through me and return back to the Great Cycle and they are reincarnated in another world as another being, born anew to live a fresh life, free from the burdens they had carried only to carry a new load.”

Ah, so its reincarnation, huh. Yodagya finally won this debate, I guess. A new start seems just as nice as an end if it means I don’t carry any of these memories.

“And that my child is another thing that you are wrong about” dammit, mind reading... do souls even have a mind? I mean don’t we need a brain to think and make sense? “You see, a soul is like a flat paper that is being held by the corners. The deeds, memories and the lessons learned are spread over this flat surface and they keep accumulating as life goes on. Now, this is alright, as the soul can handle it if the weight is properly distributed but what happens if say it all ends up being focused at a point or a limited area?”

“I believe it tears through the paper.” Right? How am I supposed to know? Maybe the weight rolls over and falls down?

“Yes, that is correct and that is what happened with your soul. The memories and regrets that you hold centered around your lover had torn your soul. Souls that come to me are supposed to have freed themselves from all their connections back from the mortal realm so that they can start afresh and yet here you stand still holding onto your memories. “

“So what, can’t you just erase them or maybe repair my soul? You are Supreme, must be something you can do.” I am not liking the tone here. Mother always said. People who talk too much are usually trying to lead you somewhere.

“Yes, a lovely child she was. Ahem! Well of course, but what’s the fun in that?” For the first time since I heard this genderless emotionless voice, this was the first time I was sure I could feel an upbeat in the voice. It was not hard to imagine the smile forming on those lips, again at my expense.

“Don’t be a spoilsport. There is more to it than just that. Like I said, I am a mere observer and you aren’t the first to come to me with his soul disarrayed. You will reincarnate just as everyone, including you, has done before, just this time like a few similar beings who share your condition, you shall be born with your memories. After all, time heals them all eventually so why should I be bothered to do so?”

That did not sound as bad as some may think. I mean yes, I would remember all the highs and lows of this life, but maybe this once my regrets will become my strength. Yes, that sounded nice. To have the strength to obtain happiness.

This time, I should learn from my mistakes. I will try to do it right this time. To be someone who not only finds strength from others but one who becomes a strength for those around him. Seems like a lot of work. Not good but I will do my best!

“Seems you are ready. Very well then, I have a job to do, people to stalk and places to be so off you go. Oh, as a parting gift, well more of a sign of pity I give you two gifts. First... would you like to be born as a male or female this time?”

“Wait, is that not fixed!? I mean, have I ever been a female before this lifetime? Nono, don’t answer that. I will want to stick to being a male. Of course, if that is ok with you.” Da-dammit! Look at me being a coward again...

“Well, some before you had opted for a change. You should try, after all, it might be fun to discover a new self.”

For a moment the thought of being a lady flew through my mind but the realization of the what they have to go through, both in society and... by themselves. I mean I have heard of their special time during the months and the changes they go through during labor. The thought was enough for me to feel that maybe God wasn’t all that unfair towards me since he allowed me to be born as a guy the last time.

“Forgive me, Supreme One. I have no intention of walking the road of self-discovery any further than I already have, especially not when the road and reward both have changed and I prefer to stay on the giving side rather than the taking side... so let's move on.” Hoho! Much better. Aggressive and witty. Better.

“Well, if you say so. The second gift you should receive when the time is right. Other than this you will not be getting any help from me. You will not see me again till you will and if all goes well, you will be same as all blank souls and not recognize me or remember our meeting when you return here. I bless you, well not really, since that is some powerful stuff but ya, hope you make the right choices this once, my child.”

I take one last look at the room, trying to take in as many details on them I could. The small opening at the top of the wall being the only source of light. A mattress lay to one side. Faithfully serving as my bed, my chair, my table. A cupboard to the other side. Filled with 2 pairs of uniforms. 1 pair of civil clothes. 1 stolen shorts. A small mirror to the cupboard’s left. A small room. A prison I called home.

I didn’t realize but somewhere along all the staring and learned in past memories, I was no longer standing in my room. The weird darkness was back but this time I was moving. I had no control of the movement but strangely it felt as if I was moving through the streets of my city, before the humans came, running back home, true home, rather than drifting with the river flow, not knowing whether the river curved or was there a fall.

It went on for what felt like hours but soon there were others floating beside me but they were different. The others, probably other souls were bright figures but with no features to help distinguish them. They had no face, no texture to the skin, no way to tell their sex and no reaction to the others around them, whereas, I still had a strange whitish body to resemble the one I once had. I believe it may be because I remember what I looked like even now when I am dead.

I looked around, hoping to find another like me but even when the number of souls increased, I couldn’t see another like me and then finally the view changed. We were finally out of the place wherever we had been. The place looked like a ball of darkness, never changing, and streams of darkness branched out of it, going in all directions to places I could not even see.

I was now in one such stream. The souls were no longer moving in the same direction as mine, rather many were going back to wherever I had come. The journey went on for what felt like a couple of days and many times I wished I had been like these souls around me, empty and unaffected by the boredom of this continuous traveling but we finally reached a planet.

It looked like a ball of blue and green, assuring me that this place may not be much different than my previous world, since blue and green meant only two things to me, water and trees. The whole planet was covered by the black smoke and the souls stayed inside of it, rising and falling to the surface, confirming my theory that this stream was a path connecting wherever God resides and his worlds.

All in all, this journey has confirmed one thing for me. The world is highs round. Or at least this one is. Maybe the previous one was flat as most said. What matters is this one is round. Yes, decisive. Good going, me!